I cheated on my bf, how to help him overcome it?

After 6 years I broke up with my boyfriend because he was physically abusive and never put any effort into our relationship. I moved to the other side of the country. I was there for one month, and during that month I had sex with someone else, as well as went on a couple dates with the guy. A lot of drama started with my best friend there so I chose to pack my things up and move back in with my parents. My ex boyfriend at the time calls me up offering to fly out to wherever I was at to drive back to my parents with me and during that drive we would discuss whether we should get back together or not. He was out there by the next morning and right then I knew he really wanted to make things work with me because he dropped everything so quickly to help me out. I never told him about that guy. I didnt feel it was his place to know about the other guy unless we DID get back together. Within 30 minutes-1 hour into the drive back to my parents, my "best friend" texted my boyfriend all the dirt she had on me. Now, my boyfriend knows about the other guy and is mad that I hadn't told him first. We've decided to work things out so I move back in with him. It's been a month and we're still arguing on a daily basis about the other guy. I feel really bad for doing what I did, so during this month I have been bending over backwards to show my boyfriend how much I love him, care about him, and would do anything in the world for him but he's just not having it. he keeps going through my facebook and the other guys facebook to see if there's something else he can find out about my life while we were broken up. He might find a comment where I told the guy he was cute or something and my boyfriend will get mad about that all over again. He already knows I had sex with this guy, he knows I have nothing to do with him anymore, and I've given him my passwords to my facebook and emails and let him check my phone records so he knows Im not talking to that guy or any other guy for that matter. It seems like no matter what I do, he just wants to keep bringing it up. Even when we arent "discussing" the situation, he's always throwing little jabs at me here and there even when we're around our friends and family. And if I get aggravated that its been a month and we're still ARGUING about this on a daily basis, he'll retaliate by calling me a slut or *****, or telling me he hates me, or even walking into our living room and shouting things out to my roommates like "hey how do you guys feel about her ****ing some other guy?!" I understand my boyfriend is hurt, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make things right with him but he keeps digging for more dirt on me, and gets mad when I dont recall every single detail about one of our dates. My boyfriend brings this situation up at the worst possible times (like right before going to a family get together), and he brings it up multiple times a day. How long should I let this go on for? It's been a month, should we still be talking about it as much as we do? Should I allow him to go through my facebook, and his facebook just so he can get mad about certain comments that he and I sent to eachother? How do I help my boyfriend get past this and make him realize that what I did then was a huge mistake and he is all I want and I dont want anything to do with that guy and I just want to move forward with our life together?! Advice needed terribly!!

First, I think you need to rethink a few things. You did not cheat on your boyfriend. At the time you slept with the other guy, you were single and trying to move on from an abusive relationship. Don't let him make you think you cheated.

Next, has he taken actions about his abusive behavior? Has he started any sort of anger management classes or therapy? I think those things are paramount to the success of your relationship. Furthermore, I think he is being emotionally abusive to you right now (another reason he should be going to therapy). Honestly, in my opinion, I think you should tell him he needs to stop verbally beating you up over this one night when you were single, or you won't be sticking around. If you would really like to stay with him, offer to go to therapy with him to help him move past this, but don't let him tell you you cheated. If he wants to make this relationship work, then he has to prove it to you. No more abuse, no more name calling, no more saying you cheated, no more involving other people, and definitely, no more bring up the past. Then stick to your guns.

I hope I didn't come off as harsh, but you deserve better than this.
Good luck

Thank you so much for your advice! Yes, my boyfriend has most certainly been taking anger management classes. He started talking to a therapist the day I moved away, and now that I'm back he's began this anger management program. We have had some heated arguements since we have been back together and he has yet to lay a single finger on me, so I feel that he really wants to change that part about him. We did go to one session of couples counseling while we were on our drive back to his house (and even she said that I cheated), but the therapist he is seeing now doesnt think we should do couples counseling until he's finished with his anger management program.

So to make things clear, we shouldn't be talking about this situation anymore? My boyfriend thinks that if we dont talk about it, I will forget how hurt he is about it and thats why he continues to bring it up. He also says that he still hasnt gotten over it, so for me to say that I dont want to talk about it anymore shows him that I dont care, and I dont feel bad for what I did...

This boyfriend doesn't sound like one to keep to me. He was physically abusive and he is now emotionally and verbally abusive. He is controlling and he is going to continue to tell you who you can go out with, who can and cannot be your friend. You are not the one who needs to change. He needs to change his abusive ways but you can't do it for him.

I've been in an abusive relationship and understand how you can love the 'good' part of him but fear the 'bad' part. Unfortunately you can't have just the good.

Drop this guy and move on with your life. If you have self esteem issues work on that with a therapist. I don't see anything positive in staying with your mean boyfriend.

Second that.

I couldn't have said it any better.

I guess I'm going to give you a little different advice than what the others are saying... I hope no one finds it offensive.

I've been through a similar situation with my fiance, except he was the one that "cheated." He didn't really; we had an extremely messy break up and an extremely messy get back together with a lot of miscommunication, not to mention a 6 hour time difference at the time. It took me a looong time to come to terms with the fact that we both played a part in what happened. I was, to put it bluntly, a b---- to him. I really regret everything I put him through. Your case is a little different, though, because I truly feel that you did not, under any circumstances, no matter how you look at it, did not cheat. You should have absolutely no guilt. I don't care what some therapist says; she's wrong. But here's what I learned from my ordeal... I had to WANT to let it go. Which took a long time. There's something comforting about being in pain; something about being in control when the other is asking for forgiveness (even when forgiveness should never have been asked for). I had to finally say "I am done hurting the man I love. I forgive him. I forgive me. It is time to move on." Since then, I'm able to look back on those events with understanding and no emotion.

Honestly, I'm very lucky that my fiance stayed with me, that he still wants to marry me. He's helped me grow more than any other person, save my parents. But, truly, if anyone came to me and told me they were with someone like who I was, I would have told them to move on, unless their significant other was willing to change, willing to stop indulging in the pain. I guess that's what I"m saying to you. Have a conversation with him. Tell him that you realize he is hurt, and you're not trying to pretend it never happened. If he's not willing to hear you, and understand the pain he's putting you through, and most importantly, let go of the past to save the future, then you should move on. He has to be trying.

I do agree with Yoda, though. If he continues to be controlling, even if he doesn't bring up what happened any more, don't let him continue to abuse you in other ways. Remember, you are your number one priority.

Again, I'm sorry if I offended anyone with my advice, but these are just my feelings, my experiences.

If I might chime in....

A relationship without trust is dead in the water. It sounds like your bf is making progress to overcome his issues but he still has a long way to go. He seems to be overreacting harshly to your perceived infidelity. Either he is a very insecure, jealous and controlling person, or he has some other reason (s) to not trust you. Either way, you need couples counseling to get to the root of this. It could be a matter of poor communication. You need to show him that you acknowledge his feelings and won't be dismissive or angry when he tries to bring it up. A month is really not that long. I'd be patient with him. Try to be measured, calm and understanding when discussing the subject and give him the time he needs to get over this. Calmly let him know that you will not accept him calling you names and continually treating you like he has over this. If he keeps attempting to punish you and make you feel guilty, then his behavior is unacceptable and must either end or you must exit the relationship.

Having read both threads, I would suggest that neither of you have any trust left for the other, and things really do look doomed. If he's been physically abusive you need to get out, and he certainly seems emotionally abusive... also very one sided in the picture he painted of you. You did not cheat, you had broken up from him. And he says in his thread that he gave you money, as though he were a purely generous benefactor, when in fact it was money he owed you... in fact your money to do with as you will.

Having been in an emotionally and occasionally physically abusive relationship with a man in the past, all I can say is get out. Cut your losses and run. I say the same thing to him also, since I'm sure he's reading this thread.

He has no faith in you, you have no sense of security or trust in him... where can this relationship possibly go? It's sad, but it's run it's course.

I just want to add something real quick. I cheated on my boyfriend about a month ago. He is deeply hurt and angry and upset and I'm sure I'm not even beginning to describe the emotions that he's been through over the last few weeks adequately. But, we were officially, honestly, no-doubt-about-it together, unlike you and your boyfriend. Even so, he has been communicating with me in a constructive manner. He does not bring it up in front of other people just to hurt me. He does not say things intentionally to hurt me (I get hurt anyway, but I don't believe he does it on purpose). He has even accepted that I am in a lot of pain as well. I think all of these things, as well as the efforts I've been making, point to the possibility that we'll get back together and work through it (that is by no means a certainty). I do not believe that is the case in your relationship. Yes, your boyfriend is hurt, but he is being vindictive and purposefully trying to hurt you. That is not a good sign.