Ex-boyfriend just started therapy.. (long!)

I'm trying to get some clarity and hope some of you here can help me out! My ex and I were together for over 6 years. We had an instant connection and pretty much were together all the time after we met. Our connection is still strong and when things were good, things were really good. I've never gotten along with someone as well as we get along. 4 years ago I gave up my apartment and pretty much lived with him in a house with 5 roommates. 2 years ago we got our own place together. Things started going downhill after that. His anger and impatience at the littlest things seemed to come up more and more often. It used to only happen a few times a year, now he was getting mad (never physical) at me for the most insignificant things. Like we would be making tacos and we'd end up in a huge fight because he would get annoyed that I was standing in the place he wanted to be in. He couldn't take any criticism but doled it out no problem. He has this condescending, angry tone that I'd asked him time and again to not use. He was always complaining about people, but was the star of the show outside the house. He's good looking, charming, funny and always the center of attention - though he does talk way too much.

As a young child he was diagnosed as severe ADHD.. to the point where therapists gave up on him and his parents told him he was just a difficult child and he would always be difficult. After doing some research, it actually sounds like he has more narcisstic personality traits (though not all), than ADHD, but I'm not a psychologist. The reasons add up.. his parents did a crappy job raising him. His sister was the golden child who never did wrong. She would just look at him and start screaming for no reason and his dad would come running to chase him down. His dad's an alcoholic who also had "the tone" and would talk down to his mom. He wasn't physical, but mentally abusive. I told my ex a few months ago that I didn't want to be his gf anymore because he treated his clients better than he treated me. I guess I hoped it would force him to be nicer. He cried and told me he was acting just like his dad and all his mom ever asked for was for him "to be nicer to her" just like I was. A month later he broke down and told me he felt like he was abusing me, but he didn't see it changing anytime soon. I took that to mean we were breaking up. Who in their right mind would be told they're being abused but it's not gonna change, and then stick around? He told me recently that he didn't want to break up, he just realized he needed help, but he didn't say that, and that now it's too late. He immediately found someone else to bond with although it was the one thing I asked of him if he really wanted us to remain friends (and possibly get back together one day) was that he not hook up with anyone until I moved out. Thankfully, the first night I moved out, he had an epiphany and realized he was in no place to jump into a relationship with someone else and how he can't believe he hurt his best friend the way he did. That he needs to work on himself before he can be anyone to anybody. And that he didn't realize I really had hopes that we could be together again someday and he was acting like he was still the 21 year old he was when we met.

So now my ex has started therapy with an awesome guy who specializes in everything he needs help with. We're texting, but when I brought up something about our relationship he said he wasn't ready for that. That it would only interfere with our healing. He said he still loves me, but he needs to figure out whether his feelings for me are really his own, or if they're due to fear or just wanting to please people. I said okay - no relationship talk until you tell me you're ready. And no expectations. I understand and I'm so proud of him for taking this step to work on his issues. I know there's a long road ahead of him and right now I'm focusing on myself - volunteering, taking a martial arts class, doing things I let go by the wayside because I was focused on him. So now I'm trying to figure out how to go forward with this. Can I be a semi-friend for him while he figures himself out? I love him and that's not going to go away. But more important right now is that he learns to love himself and gets some coping skills on how to handle his frustrations. So am I handling this correctly? I could really use some input from people who have been there. Thanks so much for reading!

Hello there my friend!

I can't say I'm going to give you advice because I trust you know the situation a lot better than I do, but in a roundabout way I was in exactly your situation. I dated a girl for a year (but it was a very strong bond and I never was in love before). And she broke up with me because of issues with herself (she couldn't mentally be in a relationship). I didn't take it well at first and kept waiting on her, and waiting, and waiting. And I kept forcing the issue. She told me to date other people. I did. But each time she texted or called I immediately ended it with whoever I was dating, only to find out she still didn't want a relationship.

I can tell you what NOT to do. Don't have expectations like I did. It would be great to expect that he'd get better and you'll have that bond again, but you don't know what life will bring you. Don't force the issue. I'm not saying you shouldn't be friends with him, just give space. And don't pressure him. If I were you, I would recommend just being there for him, maybe give him a phonecall once a week or something, and don't talk at all about relationships. It sounds like he is making progress. It sounds like he really really wants a relationship but he knows himself better than you do. So what is left to do? Just throw your expectations out the window. You have to trust in life. Work on yourself, do what you're already doing, talk to people, reach out to friends. I know my ex really did miss me and wanted a relationship so in time, the person will come back. Who knows if it will work, but remember, you threw those expectations out the window. Best of luck my friend. It will all work itself out. Coming from a person who cried his eyes out over the loss of his ex several several nights, I know first hand that time heals wounds.

Thanks for replying AC! It's all just so surreal because I've just felt so lucky to share those kind of feelings with someone else. I've been married before, but I was never in love with him and it took me a long time to get up the courage to leave. So to find a connection like that has been so amazing to me. But I also ignored the fact that the last 2 years have been less great. He said he thought it was me and that I was keeping him from doing stuff like going out to the bars. So he did that and found it wasn't what he was looking for. Tried karaoke which used to make him so happy. Didn't do it. He realized that it wasn't me who was making him unhappy, it was something inside himself that needed to get fixed. He took responsibility for it all, for the first time in a long time. He said "I was blaming you just like I blame you for everything.".

I mean he really did have a breakthrough and I'm so glad because I've been wanting him to deal with his childhood since I met him. He has nightmares regularly about his hometown - usually running or hiding from people or people trying to break into his house. I told him that when those stop, he'll know he's started healing. They'll be his "mental barometer".

It's only been a week and a half since I've moved out. But I'm doing a lot better. I just have this feeling that this all had to happen this way for him to realize he needed professional help. He said he would really try to be more patient and nicer but it just wouldn't last. I told him it's because he doesn't have the tools to do it and that's something a therapist has been educated extensively on to show you how to use them. I am going to do my best to not have expectations. He said the same thing - he doesn't want me to wait for him because I've been doing that for the past 6 years. I'm a natural optimist and try to see the positive in everything - even being single again and remembering the things that I love just for me... not putting someone else's needs first. I feel like this entire situation is bigger than us. So I'm kinda just gonna go for the ride and try to trust my instincts. I'm gonna keep my expectations in check. I do want to be supportive to him because everyone else gave up on him. G*d pisses me off. But I can't put all of myself out there either. So, like the first year and a half where I just let things be until he was ready to do things like call me his girlfriend and say he loves me, I won't push. Sometimes I can do that when I think I'm "helping". So that's something I can work on too. Plus being more social sometimes... it's too easy to say no when you're just as happy to be at home. I'm taking my first Krav Maga Martial Arts class tomorrow so wish me luck!

It sounds like you're already doing a great job!!! You are concentrating on being yourself and being happy and you still maintain a nice and positive outlook. Hats off to you that you are able to do that.

I think you are beginning to see that those 'problems' early on in the relationship had nothing to do with you. They were his issues and not yours. I'm glad he realizes that and is taking responsibility for it.

I'm an optimist too and when I was away from my gf I always assumed we'd get back together....You may, you may not. Who knows for certain??? Who knows for certain anything??? I'd take everything day by day. It will all work out in the end for you (in whatever way that is). Yeah, I would be pissed at God too. I am a strong believer and I know the Lord has to put obstacles in our way to make us grow stronger....hey, if you are at all into Christian rock, go to youtube and watch the video by Laura Story called "Blessings." Sometimes our blessings come through raindrops, sometimes our mercies come through tears....sometimes it takes a thousand sleepless night to know that God is here.

Good luck, my friend.

Ooops just reread my post where I said G*d pisses me off.. oh geeze I SOOO didn't meant that. I missed a word.. shoulda said G*d IT pisses me off.. that so many people gave up on him. I believe in energy and something bigger than us all, though I wouldn't describe myself as religious.. more spiritual.. I love my Tarot Cards.. They read the energy around me and give a birdseye view of the situation with more information than I could've known on my own. I've had them for 17 years and I can't tell you how many times they've been right on. My dad is extremely Bi-polar, and I think shizoaffective because he hears voices constantly and gets extremely paranoid if he doesn't take his meds. So I've been familiar with mental issues for a long time. At one point I wanted to go into psychology and took a lot of college courses. Sometimes I think I really should've stuck with it because I find human behavior so interesting.

BTW AC I just wanted to say thanks again for the support. No one thought I should stay with him going through that first year and a half, but I knew what a great person he is and I wasn't in any hurry to rush my life ahead anyway since I had just gotten divorced. Plus he was only 21 (I was 27) and I didn't want to push him. And thankfully I don't have a biological clock to worry about. I'm now 34 and have no plans to have children and risk passing down all the problems in my family's history. He doesn't want kids either, so we were a good match that way. I just needed to hear that I don't have to push him away either. It didn't feel right to me. I tried not contacting him the first few days and then I just didn't want to anymore because I missed my best friend and now we text every day. I'm just going to give him the space to do what needs to be done. And I constantly remind myself of the phrase "If you love somebody set them free. If they come back they're yours" or however it goes.

Hello again my friend. I believe the quote is "If you love someone, let em go. If they come back to you they're yours. If they don't, they never was." But I believe that was in a DMX song lol??? Well to be honest, everyone should let everything go in life. Clinging is no good for your own mental well being. i.e. if someone at work angers you, let the anger go. Don't dwell on it. I think this issue with you is on a big scale of how you should live every day...just live in the present, do your best do enjoy each moment, and just let go. You don't have to "push away" or "pull towards." Just be, as is. Be a good friend to your friend, laugh, smile with him if you see him, and be there for him. It will all sort itself out.

My religion doesn't support Tarrot Cards. I believe in energy as well but Tarrot Cards is kind of banned I believe. I believe that Jesus came down and took away all our sins and frees us and I know that because I rely on Him I will have eternal life....now some days still stink but I always have that hope. And you are most certainly welcome, my friend.

That's too bad because Tarot Cards aren't anything but a tool to read the energy that's already around you. They don't "tell the future" because that's impossible. There's no way to determine what hasn't happened yet. What they do is give clarity to what you're dealing with in life. There's nothing about them to be banned. Energy is a physical thing. It's out there and I think everyone gives off energy, both positive and negative. You know how sometimes you meet up with someone and you just KNOW something's up without even talking to them? You're picking up on their energy. I'm very sensitive to it and other people's energy can affect me quite a bit. Tarot Cards just kinda spell it out better. As one example of many - I told my best friend she was pregnant before she knew. I kept getting cards that represented pregnancy and I knew it wasn't me. As I was driving to see her, it hit me that it was her because she had gotten married a few months before and was off her birth control. I told her "I keep getting these pregnancy cards.. and I think it's you!" And she got all freaked out and said "Don't put that on me!" lol. 4 days later she had a dream she was pregnant and took a pregnancy test.. and yup! She sure was. You sound like a very nice person AC and you have a lot of wise words.

Hmm I responded to this this morning, but not showing up yet? All my newer posts are appearing immediately now. Guess a mod just hasn't reviewed this one yet?

Aha there it is!