[salukigirl]

So a lot of you know that I am in Austria for 2 weeks (maybe because I was practically screaming from the rooftops about it). Well I leave Monday and over the last 2 weeks I haven't thought about my bf more than a handful of times. I have been having so much fun and have been able to be myself without worrying about a response or whether I'm gonna have to listen to a complaint about the way I fold my towel or something stupid.

Well he wrote me this long email saying he realizes how much he misses me and that sent me over the edge. I thought...I have been BEGGING you to write me little notes like this FOREVER! And it doesn't happen until I leave the friggen continent?! And when I said that to him he told me I should be more appreciative. Seriously...the last time he did anything sweet like that was at least 1.5 yrs ago.

Just made me start thinking that I really am just done. He wanted me to skype him so I did and he asked me about the email and I told him the truth. That it really just made me angry and told him why. And he started telling me that I'm the one who needs to open up about my feelings now. I asked him how it felt to be begging someone for some kind of response and not getting one and he said it felt terrible. Well that's what I've been fighting with for 2.5 years.

I don't know if I over-reacted but I feel like it was just the straw the broke the camel's back. I have been literally begging for some kind of affection like a little note or something and not once does he do it. Yeah, he'll bring me flowers the next day but then nothing until the next huge fight we get in.

I think I have realized that I don't have to put up with a guy who takes me for granted until I leave the country. I deserve a guy who will do sweet things like that for me without me basically bawling my eyes out to do it. I deserve a guy who doesn't need thousands of miles to see that he loves me.

Now I know everyone is going to tell me to leave but it's complicated. We live AND work together. I, personally, have no problem continuing to work together, I think he is the one that will have an issue with it. But I have to get out. I feel so suffocated. Being here for the last couple weeks has given me a new perspective and I think I just have too much resentment for the things he's done to move on. I don't think I could ever give 100% to this relationship and that's when it's time to leave.

Getting that off my chest felt SOOOOO good!

[torotsigns]

Trust your gut salukigirl! I haven't physically seen my ex in 2 weeks, though we text everyday. And honestly I just miss him more even knowing he's got a crapload of issues to work out.. if being out of the country for 2 weeks just made you realize that you're over it, then you're over it. I was married years ago and it took me 2 years to finally leave. When I did I didn't look back and I didn't miss him at all. It's amazing how differently I feel this time! You just gotta trust yourself and your feelings. The other stuff will work itself out. Maybe find a new place before you drop the bomb because living together after breaking up is PURE HELL and I'll never do it again!

[Leed]

Good for you Saluki ~ You're right - you DO deserve better than this. Who needs having to beg for attention?!! Who wants to be nagged at all the time? Find someone who WILL pay attention to you and WILL treat you with the respect that you deserve!!!

Be careful about the resentment tho -- it eats us up. Here's a saying: "Resentment is the poison I take to kill you." Makes sense, doesn't it? The people we resent don't KNOW we're resenting them -- so all we're doing is hurting ourselves!! This resentment in us keeps growing & growing until WE are so sick that we blow!!! Let go of the resentment and just "consider the source." He will get his just desserts at some time or another.

It may be difficult for you to "leave" -- but it's best for YOU. You still might have to work with him, but that doesn't mean you need to LIVE with him. Even if you have to "bunk" with a friend for awhile until you can get your own place, it will be worth it.

Best of luck ~ and God bless! Hugs, Lee

[Perna]

Originally Posted by salukigirl

I thought...I have been BEGGING you to write me little notes like this FOREVER!

And so he finally "got it" after a long time and wrote her a little note and she rewarded him lovingly for it and they lived happily ever after.

It is a little unfortunate, that you want something, he gives it to you, and that makes you angry. What does it matter where you are? You all haven't been that absent from one another that often have you, that he could "learn" what you mean to him when you are away from him? Absence can, in fact, make the heart grow fonder; when you're there with him, doing for him, probably bugging him as much as he bugs you, just in different ways that are only bugsome to him as his are only bugsome to you it probably is hard for him to "understand" the need for him to write little notes to you, how much they mean to you (until he experiences how much your connection means to you).

I think resentment is ours; kind of like disappointment. My T actually made me "meditate" for a week on "disappointment". Naturally, I was immediately disappointed numerous times with my DH, LOL. But what I learned was what I had been "taught" by my stepmother and "believed" to be true was what was causing my disappointment. I was thinking completely in terms of what was "right" according to my teachings/habit rather than the actual situation.

When resentments get to be too thick, I think they come from holding on to other situations we haven't dealt with when they came up?

[eskielover]

Think that listening to what your heart is telling you about your BF is very important & it's telling you so much more than you probably even realize. It's very important to listen to what you are now feeling. It's probably MORE than even just resentment.

I think that being away from a person & not even thinking about them & not having your "heart grow fonder" is a very important sign that there are not the true feelings there necessary for a real relationship with the other person.

I know that when I went to close on my farm & was away from my husband who I had been with for 33 years, I had absolutely NO feelings for him & had no desire to ever be around him again. It was a complete relief & it gave me the space to really analyze my feelings....looked back & realized that I hadn't really ever LOVED him from the beginning of the marriage & there had always been issues that were there that caused me not to respect him which is a key ingredient to a successful marriage. I can't love (in the marriage way) someone I don't respect.

I'm guessing that all the things that have been bothering you about him are things that in the back of your mind from the beginning were things that made you uncomfortable about really wanting to commit to the relationship in the first place.

Yes, being taken for granted & not being told that you are cared about is a key issue to an unsuccessful relationship. When you just go from fight to fight in order to get him to say or do something nice for you, it's a key to his background & the way he saw things as he was growing up.......but it also could be key to the way he really feels about you also.....because it's at the times of the fighting where he may fear loosing you (or at least having you around to be his GF). That doesn't show real love or caring for you. However what you may be expecting is the PERFECT person in a relationship & most of the time there are always BUGS that need to be worked out in any relationship.

Only you can analyze the whole picture in your relationship. I know for me it wasn't just needing my H affection....it was 100's of issues that we had between us & they were all different things...& being able to trust him to take care of things when I couldn't was the biggest. I knew after all we went through that in our old age, I couldn't trust him to take care of all the things around us if I were the one who was needing the care & wasn't the one to be doing the caring. I couldn't get true answers to questions I asked in order to base important decisions I needed to make (had nothing to do with cheating). I realized that I was so much better off knowing everything about my own life & business as I couldn't trust him for valuable input either.....when I listened to him & followed him advice, I always ended up doing something really wrong........it was all these things about him that caused me to feel absolutely NOTHING for him when I left thinking at first it was only temporary

Use your logical mind to analyze your relationship & if there are more things going on that you haven't realized under it all, then your gut feeling is probably guiding your thoughts in the right direction. If it's just the affection issue (which is a large one in a relationship) then maybe he really did "get it" & things can possibly really change now that he realizes how it really feels.

[kitten16]

Go girl! He's really insensitive. Your resentment is most emphatically NOT misplaced. One response here implied that you need to be responsible for your own resentment. WTF? My old therapist used to feed me that stuff. No.

You've been with him a long time, you've given him many chances, and you've asked him for what you want. You've been straightforward and sweet and willing to put up with him. He doesn't change. Multiple red flags here.

The abusive tenor of his treatment of you was clear to me when you said that you thanked him for the note and wished he would do it more, and then he turned on you AGAIN and said that you're the one who should be more aware of your feelings or whatever. God! You can't win with this guy!

So glad you're out of this weirdness. I admire your awareness of what this is, and your courage in making the break. You're an inspiration to others

Originally Posted by salukigirl

So a lot of you know that I am in Austria for 2 weeks (maybe because I was practically screaming from the rooftops about it). Well I leave Monday and over the last 2 weeks I haven't thought about my bf more than a handful of times. I have been having so much fun and have been able to be myself without worrying about a response or whether I'm gonna have to listen to a complaint about the way I fold my towel or something stupid.

Well he wrote me this long email saying he realizes how much he misses me and that sent me over the edge. I thought...I have been BEGGING you to write me little notes like this FOREVER! And it doesn't happen until I leave the friggen continent?! And when I said that to him he told me I should be more appreciative. Seriously...the last time he did anything sweet like that was at least 1.5 yrs ago.

Just made me start thinking that I really am just done. He wanted me to skype him so I did and he asked me about the email and I told him the truth. That it really just made me angry and told him why. And he started telling me that I'm the one who needs to open up about my feelings now. I asked him how it felt to be begging someone for some kind of response and not getting one and he said it felt terrible. Well that's what I've been fighting with for 2.5 years.

I don't know if I over-reacted but I feel like it was just the straw the broke the camel's back. I have been literally begging for some kind of affection like a little note or something and not once does he do it. Yeah, he'll bring me flowers the next day but then nothing until the next huge fight we get in.

I think I have realized that I don't have to put up with a guy who takes me for granted until I leave the country. I deserve a guy who will do sweet things like that for me without me basically bawling my eyes out to do it. I deserve a guy who doesn't need thousands of miles to see that he loves me.

Now I know everyone is going to tell me to leave but it's complicated. We live AND work together. I, personally, have no problem continuing to work together, I think he is the one that will have an issue with it. But I have to get out. I feel so suffocated. Being here for the last couple weeks has given me a new perspective and I think I just have too much resentment for the things he's done to move on. I don't think I could ever give 100% to this relationship and that's when it's time to leave.

Getting that off my chest felt SOOOOO good!