Emotionally Stable - I wish!!

Hi folks,

As I've mentioned to a few people, I have been having some success in 3d recently, as my depressive phase has gradually lifted. This has brought me back into the social 'bump and grind' (pardon the expression).

Anyway, I'm very worried about overeacting to people as the pressure builds. I have been insulated from this stuff for a couple of years, by isolating, but now I'm picking up responsibilities pretty quickly. I don't want to blow it.

Three small incidents recently:

1. I was being hassled on by a nervous trumpet player whilst recording a demo CD (I was laying down the core track and leaving him some space). I stopped the session on that day, saying I felt pressured. I later told him I couldn't work with his vibe. I tried to take the blame, but he got very defensive. I still see him socially but I don't enjoy it; he knows I dumped him and makes me feel it.

I postponed the recording until I have settled who I want to work with, maybe I'll be happier solo.

2. I have taken over a poetry/music event, as the people organising it were burnt out after running it for a year. It's only once a month but people will be relying on me. I have told them that from here on I will be running it my way. It's cool with them though, and they will still come as readers. To avoid group dynamics I have told everyone,in a newsletter, that this is an open event - not a group of any kind. We'll have to see how it goes.

3. A neighbour was organising some holiday accommodation for my wife and I but she never got round to it, and time was passing, so I politely took over and booked on the internet. She probably feels a little chagrined, but we now have our holiday booked!

In each of the three cases here, I was polite to the other people involved, maybe more polite than other people would be, but underneath I felt like I was fighting a battle with them.

I just don't like the feeling of having to get around people's feelings all the time. I just want to please everyone, all the time, but I know that would wear me down in the long run. I was doing that when I had my breakdown. I have noticed that people who get things done don't treat everyone as if they were on a committee; they get on with the job in hand. Can I be like that?

The positive thing this time round is that I am out performing my music and poetry as a solo artist, and once on the stage there is no one but me to worry about. That is how I really want it, but I am attracting 'collaberators' like bees to a honeypot just at the moment. This used to happen before, and it was always my downfall.

The truth is that I don't want that this time - Hey - I'm answering my own post!!

I'd like to know what you folks thing, from the point of view of what we can maintain when we have the dreaded depression lurking, and how to go through the triggers when they pop up.

Cheers, M

I had to find out the hard way that adding too much, and certainly too fast.. only added to my stress, pain and depression. Because you are giving yourself the "ok" on some things doesn't mean you have to try to add everything back in. You need to, and have the perfect right to, say,"No." TC

Myzen,

Seems like you have a full plate with seconds. WOW. I think that you did handle each situation pretty well. So, please give yourself a pat on the back for that.

I also am a people pleaser, or at least I try to be. However, lately, setting boundaries is my thing. I need to do this for me and perhaps this is something you need to work on as well. When I find myself faced with a triggering situation, well, I cant really answer that because I think I avoid everything I deem to be triggering. Although, things pop up from time to time that do trigger me and I usually remove myself from the situation. Perhaps I am not dealing with it in the healthiest way but right now, that is all I can do.

Back to you, I'm sorry, I can get carried away. I would work on your boundaries. It is ok to say NO. Really it is. I know for people like us, it is hard but you need to put your needs first for once. Please yourself Myzen, then please others around you.

Take care my dear friend.


Huggles,

jen

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jmo531 said:

I also am a people pleaser, or at least I try to be. However, lately, setting boundaries is my thing. I need to do this for me and perhaps this is something you need to work on as well. When I find myself faced with a triggering situation, well, I cant really answer that because I think I avoid everything I deem to be triggering. Although, things pop up from time to time that do trigger me and I usually remove myself from the situation. Perhaps I am not dealing with it in the healthiest way but right now, that is all I can do.

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Hi Jen,

You understand exactly how things are in my present 'recovery'. For a long time 'removing myself from the situation' has been my strategy of choice, well necessity actually.

As I described, as we become entangled in people's expectations again, then it's harder to drop out of sight without causing a rumpus.

Sky, you are of course right in counselling a cautious approach to these responsibilities.

I would like to say to you folks that being able to come here and report on the progress, and the slips, has been the single most helpful thing for me in recent years.

We are people who understand each other. That is a valuable thing in this world.

Good thoughts,

M.