[kvinneakt]

My wife of 30+ years spent 1 week of 4 (pre-menopause) a raving *****. I put up with it as it was like she had a multiple personality and the other one was quite lovable. Now (post-menopause) the ***** side had vanished... until the past few months, when it has again reared its ugly head.

It has become too much to put up with. I cannot go anywhere with her that she does not pitch a fit if she does not get her way. Today, while helping do some handyman work at my son's, she could not wait 30 minutes for me to finish and insisted my daughter in law bundle up the baby and drive her home 20 miles in the rush hour traffic. After asking my d-in-law to leave her house keys so I could lock up, as I would be leaving before she returned, my wife relented and stayed until I finished up about 20 minutes later.

That is just one episode. In general, she acts like a spoiled, petulant 5 year old when things don't go just as she pleases.

I am at a point in my life where enduring a toxic personality day after day is more than I am willing to accommodate.

I told her about 30 minutes ago that I was through. I would delay doing anything until post Christmas, and then I would be seeing a lawyer to write up a divorce. I don't want to live the remainder of my life this way.

She said, "I understand." A few minutes later she said she does not want a divorce, and will change her ways. She then put on her coat and said she had to leave the house for a walk, where she is now, I guess.

I have taken a Xanax and drinking a beer. My hands are shaking, but I will get over this. It truthfully is not a big surprise. I had hoped it would never come, but with the return of the *****, I have to find a more peaceful life elsewhere.

This gives me a good reason to quit my job I don't like, collect my pension money, and leave the country to warmer climates where life is cheap and easy.

Thank you for listening. That is how I feel right now. I 80% expect things will be resolved by tomorrow sometime, but I am confident that if not, I can make a happy and healthy turn to a new life on my own.

Comments are welcome.

[bebop]

I am so sorry you are going thru this terrible time with your wife. 30 yrs is a long time to have to give up but not sure I could endure it either. May I ask how old your wife is? Maybe she needs to be on some kind of medication herself. Maybe before deciding on the D word maybe try some counseling? Maybe she is not feeling too much like a woman anymore with having gone thru menopause. Just an idea. Good luck in whatever you decide

[(JD)]

I'm sorry. Is she on any medication or in therapy? Are you? Have you both tried this in the past? IDK.. and no judgment coming from me... no one being blamed. It just gets mighty lonely once you're used to being with someone for so long... I guess a man has a good chance of marrying again though. . . or at least finding someone to have fun with.

Peri menopause is temporary... though can be impossible at times, I'm sure. There is medication to help, even herbs. Somehow I don't think that this is the main problem.

It's up to you. Please take care of yourself during this trying time...and holidays. And also watch for her safety, as she may be overwhelmed also... if you can...

kv...

[hillbunnyb]

Please try to discuss this with your wife when you are both thinking clearly. As one who has had raging hormones on top of everything else, I want to say to you, she can't help it.... going off out of the blue, she can't help it. It's not about you though it hits you in the face. She desperately needs help. I had a heck of a time finding a doctor who could sort me out and get me on appropriate meds and therapy and.......

Can you take a break and stay with a friend or relative for some peace of mind and long term clear thinking time?? Out from under the gun and stress and straws that are breaking your back? Breath some deep breaths, go outside and throw ice cubes against something to make them shatter, take care of yourself, no easy answers to this one. LOL

[nothemama8]

IMO, if she had cancer would you leave her just because she's going through this, have you looked at her side put yourself in her shoes, she is probible just as scared as you are, get her to your Dr and see what can be done to make her life more bareable
I'am sorry your going through this but she's the one living in this h###
Marie

[(JD)]

I can't blame kv for not wanting to live with her. I don't blame my ex for leaving because he "couldn't live with " my disability. I wish I didn't either.

[SeptemberMorn]

Marie, I agree with you. Her problem can most likely be fixed with medication and maybe some therapy.

KV, did you promise for better or worse, in sickness and in health?? You wife needs help right now, not abandonement.

well, you didn't mention seeking help for this. you just made up your mind and acted upon it. do you think it might help if you talked to a T? i understand everything you said about difficulty, but you've never had menopause or suffered through all of the difficulties of it. women have it very hard when it comes to hormones. men don't experience what we have to live through. are you perfect and easy to live with? i'd seek some help, myself, before i just chucked it all and left. xoxox pat

[LMo]

KV.....
Maybe it's not a surprise to you, but it IS a surprise to me. You've never once said anything but kind and loving words about your wife. I'm pretty floored... however I also know you well enough to know that you do NOT make rash decisions, and that you are a generous, sensitive, considerate man. I support you whatever your decision is, however I would hope, if this were my marriage, that my husband would at least call my physician and explain the moods to see if something can be done medically, before he called it quits.

Call me if you want - or meet for coffee?

Love,
LA

[kvinneakt]

Oh, wow! What a wonderful bunch of kind and thoughtful replies!!!

After "chilling" a bit, we talked things over and saw this crisis through. She said she has been depressed and trying to hide it on and off for several months. She, like her mother, is very stoic - not always the best way to be.

We both have a lot in common, too much to toss away in haste. One thing we both have in common is we don't suffer fools gladly. I think that comes with age. It also means we don't put up with each other's crap very well. I have seen this happen to other "older" folks whose cohort I am approaching. It has good and bad effects on relationships of all kinds.

She said she has a doctor's appt in a few weeks where she will ask about anti-depressent meds. That may be helpful.

The truth is we both do love each other in spite of the several ways we irritate each other, too. We had a talk about some of these things and agreed to try to stiffle them when possible.

We are not calling it quits and that is a good thing. I think what we had was a good wake up call and now have a renewed interest in behaving.

[DaveyJones]

This sounds almost identical to what my ex-wife and I went through for 17 years. Her doctor finally figured out that she was bipolar. Hormones of any sort, even the normal swings in levels associated with menses can turn some bipolar women in raving maniacs, literally.

You're doing the right thing consulting your doctor, just be aware that an antidepressant may actually make things worse. I strongly suggest that you all consider a mood stabilizer first, either lithium or Lamictal, which both have antidepressant properties.

Also, if you have a NAMI chapter (National Alliance on Mental Illness) in your area, I highly recommend going to support groups there, together, separately or both...it's a wonderful place to get help.

God bless you in your quest for health...PM me if you want.

DJ