[emptybee15]

So, the first guy I was ever truly in love with cheated on me and broke my heart. He lied so well it was ridiculous. I loved his family and friends (some of them anyway) and I thought we were great.

Then, I found out he cheated. Being depressed and anxious already, that feeling DEVASTATED me! He took away everything that was good for me, his family had become like my own because I don't have much family that I communicate with. So, while crying for DAYS about how I'll miss his touch and the good times we had and his family and his daughter and everything, I told myself over and over that I will NEVER let ANYONE make me feel that way again. I think that's the point where I turned like 80% cold and I died a little in a sense.

I trust NO man and when I meet someone I like I'm unable to get that good feeling you get when you're getting to know someone and you feel butterflies and things. Now all I think is, "So, when are YOU going to hurt me?" After the incident I went about questioning different guys about IF & WHY they cheat. A lot of them said they did, but "THEY DON'T KNOW" why? ARE YOU SERIOUS?!? You don't play with people's emotions!

So, I've been with my current guy for almost a year (1 year next month). He is so sweet, he does a million things for me, treats me very well, but all I think about is him cheating on me. He will fall asleep early at times, I've been at his house when he's done it, but if I'm not at his house and he doesn't call and say goodnight, I instantly think he had some woman over there and was too busy to call because THAT is what the Ex Cheater did. He would ignore calls and then start texting...when my current does that, instantly I think, "he must be cheating", like there's no other reason to ignore phone calls, but that's all my brain WILL think.

I CAN NOT get over this! I'm mad at him right now because I feel he cheated because he didn't call me last night. I don't know how to separate him from my ex because so many men cheat that I can't believe HE doesn't. On my part, I feel I haven't been good enough for any man, starting with my father, so why would any man truly love me?

These thoughts KILL me. I just want to feel LOVE again, but I shut my emotions down COMPLETELY as to AVOID being hurt. I know you aren't supposed to do that, but I just don't think I can survive another heartbreak, so it's better just not to feel.

Just like I told myself over and over "I will not be hurt again" and it worked so that I shut down now. When they say repeat positive things and it will do the same, I just can't figure out how to do it.

I hate myself, I have nothing positive to say about myself. I feel like an illegitimate, worthless, nothing and I don't know how to change that. Even though I graduated from High School w/ my regents, graduated from college with Merit, still only have ONE kid (but his dad does nothing and I feel guilty because he doesn't have a father) and I work and I'm a very decent human being. Nobody that was supposed to encourage me did though, every accomplishment was so downplayed and ignored it doesn't mean anything to me either.

I just want my brain to stop making all of these thoughts surface on a daily basis. I don't think I'll ever get over this.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by emptybee15

Nobody that was supposed to encourage me did though, every accomplishment was so downplayed and ignored it doesn't mean anything to me either.

I just want my brain to stop making all of these thoughts surface on a daily basis. I don't think I'll ever get over this.

I was in the top one percent of my high school graduating class, and it meant NOTHING. out of 700 kids. PBK, too. Nothing. Reading your post, your last paragraphs jumped out at me. It was a defining moment for me when I realized that all the work I put in thru grade school and high school was for nothing - I wasn't going to get anything more than my brother got for school, and he never did ANY homework. I took extra courses in summer and "zero" hour, never took study hall, and in senior year, actually took TWO classes during the SAME hour and got A's in both! Bumpkiss, that's what I got for it. Cheated? You bet we were. Not surprising that's what we expect now, it was burned into our brains at exactly the wrong time in life with the wrong hormones going on. WTFH. Sorry, not exactly WARM FUZZY supportive, but I getcha. Or you got me.

[emptybee15]

Thanks for responding Hankster, I'm glad we can relate if nothing else. My older brother is almost 40, has done NOTHING with his life but go to jail and have children. My mother treats him like a f**king prince. He has his pregnant, 21 y/o gf living in my mom's house, along with 2 dogs and his older kid, he doesn't work, they have destroyed her house...BUT, Everytime I say something about him, she has a positive about him to counteract it..but me, I guess since I was always good it means nothing.

I swear that BS burns me up man, mainly because it doesn't make sense and I can't understand it. I have the worst time with things that fit in to that category.

Anyway, I think you're awesome! Hope your day is good.

[unaluna]

Thanks, but I WAS awesome. My brother was kinda the same, took FOREVER to get thru school, more wives than a barrel of monkeys - now he's the successful one and I'm the so-called eff-up. DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU! Just kinda kidding! But I did feel like an unspoken pressure to not outshine him, especially being Italian descent, very macho stuff.

I mean, I realize it's hard on the brothers too, but sisters bear the brunt of it in this society, maybe things are changing as young men become more feminist-thinking and equality minded, as I see my friends' sons and even former younger coworkers are.

But your first question? How do you change your mind? That awful cheating abandoned feeling is best worked on OUTSIDE the boyfriend environment, if possible. If you can whine and scream at a T instead... my T threw a doll at me this morning, guess it can go both ways!

My brother once said, when are you gonna get over that WE (he helped make the decision) didn't let you go away to college? I'm like, how about never? It changed my whole life, so how about THAT long?! Thanks, bee, I feel like you're the first person who ever came close to understanding. I mean, I am grateful for what I have, which is much more than most, but it doesn't change the fact that I was tricked, denied, and cheated, by the people who are supposed to care for you the most. As you said, like you're nothing.

And thanks, I am having an excellent day! I am glad to see my T is finally loosening up a little (J/K!), and I walked halfway home from my session, yay for me!

[emptybee15]

OMG! I am dying laughing at the "My T threw a doll at me" thing. I can't even imagine how it got to that point. LOL!

Thanks for making me smile today and I'm glad I could be of some cheer to you also.

[Silent_tsol]

I'm on my phone so this will probably be short. In order to get over being cheated on you have to accept that it had nothing to do with you. NOTHING. Not you, not your relationship, this was all his decision. His decision based on poor coping strategies. And I know it can be terrifying to make yourself vulnerable but have you told your current bf about your past? If he's the right guy for you, he should do what he can to make you feel safe. Whether that's calling to say goodnight or reassuring you that he's only interested in you and that he values your relationship's exclusivity

[emptybee15]

Yes I have told him, and he said he would try to be aware or he would answer his phone when it rings. However, my brain takes it to a whole nother level I can respond to his actions, as far as what he tells me though, it's hard for me to believe anything anyone tells me about anything. That's how much I don't trust anyone.

I am trying to work on the reformation of my thoughts because I know it's my hang-up and not his. All of this was going on way before he came along. Thank you for your advice, I know it wasn't my fault, but when your thoughts take off on there own without warning, it's hard to catch those suckers.

[RomanSunburn]

I'm going to be fairly blunt, but only because I wish someone had been blunt with me (or, if they had, I wish I didn't get defensive when they said it).

The reason you're not getting over it is because you don't want to. You have to REALLY, REALLY want to change the way you feel and think in order to get over the past. It's going to be hard, no doubt about it. But right now you are enjoying the feeling of being in control that you get from not trusting. You have to really want to trust, really want to be allow yourself to be vulnerable, really want to actually feel good about yourself before you can start changing the way you view things. You said you didn't know how to start telling yourself good things about yourself. Well, you do it the same way you did the negative things. "I am a good person worthy of love and happiness" over and over again. No, you're not going to believe it at first, but if you keep saying it, eventually it will start sticking.

The things that happened in the past are in the past. You cannot change them. There is no point in being angry about them now. There is no point on wasting energy on things that cannot be changed. When you start to think about these things, stop. Take several deep breaths, in and out. Tell yourself you are a good person, worthy of love and happiness, capable of trusting those who deserve your trust, and that you are not going to worry about things you cannot change. You might have to do this several times. It's going to be hard. But the more often you interrupt your negative thought patterns, the more you will move away from them.

I hope this helps and that you weren't offended by my post. I understand the feelings that you have, and I am still learning to deal with my own. I'm finding my therapist is very helpful as I learn to remember to breathe and be compassionate towards myself.

Good luck and take care!