I Accidentally Called Her the Wrong Name

I have a problem and I’m not sure what I should do. Most of you probably already know me from some of my previous threads on this forum so I am not going write my entire history again but for those of you that don’t I’ll just say my girlfriend and my best friend of eleven years passed away when I was sixteen and I went through a lot of problems after that. I am currently in my first proper relationship since then with a girl named Mandy who I really love and hope to marry one day.

The problem is when I was mucking around with Mandy on the bed this morning I accidentally called her Jessica. She said it was alright when I said sorry but I could tell by the look in her eyes that she was upset and I hope I haven’t hurt her. I don’t know what I should do and I am worried about this. It has never happened before and I hope to avoid doing it again. How would you be feeling if your partner called you by the name of their former partner and what would you suppose they do to make it up to them? I could talk to her and say sorry again but that might upset her.

I never really thought about it that seriously until now but Mandy is similar in many ways to Jessica and that is one of the things that attracted me to her. She has a similar personality (she’s really kind, caring, smart and funny), we share the same connection at times and she looks like her too. In fact, when she saw an old picture of me and Jessica in my room she even she looked a bit like her and gave me a strange look but didn’t say anything else. I wanted to find a girl who was like Jessica and you can’t blame me for that. I know Mandy is her own person and I love her for that.

I feel you have done all you can do. You've said sorry and you were sincere. You didn't mean to do it. She probably was a little hurt, I think that is normal (I've been called the wrong name in a romantic moment once) but trust her when she says she understands and that it is okay. From reading your previous threads, she (and you) sound like wonderful and very sincere people. I am sure she will move on past this.

I'm sorry to hear about your losing Jessica. It sounds like you two had a very special connection, and losing her at such an early age would have been particularly hard on you and everyone who knew her.

I understand that you want to find a girl that was just like Jessica, and as long as you are not trying to create another Jessica, I don't think that's a bad thing. You know you can't make another Jessica out of Mandy or any other person. But the things that you found attractive in Jessica, the traits that you admire and wish to find in a partner, are also there in Mandy. Those are common desires in a partner - kindness, empathy, intelligence, good sense of humor - and wanting those things is natural for anyone.

We all have a tendency to compare our current relationship against previous relationships and decide what we will and will not tolerate, what we do and do not like about people. It is a process of learning. So thankfully, Mandy seems to be the type of girl that is a good fit for you, and maybe you can thank your relationship with Jessica for teaching you that. It's good that you had such a positive early experience with relationships.

As for the slip of the tongue... it happens. It happens to people in equally innocent, and even less powerful circumstances. I've done it. I've had boyfriends do it to me. Our brains naturally associate certain situations or circumstances to those we have experienced before, and with the longstanding relationship you had with Jessica, it's natural that, even though you love Mandy for who she is, your brain can't help associating that wonderful feeling with the feeling you had for such a long time with someone else. When we have lost a person, their name becomes the name of a feeling in our minds, as well as all the other wonderful things they meant as a person. I'm sure that people who have lost spouses sometimes do the same thing. The relationship didn't end with a breakup, it ended in a place where both of you were happy. That's something that's very hard to let go of.

So in a way, Mandy is complimented by the fact that you don't associate anything negative with her. I had a boyfriend who would call me by his X's name when we got into a fight because he was so used to fighting with her. Yours is a much more positive association that shows how much respect, admiration, and appreciation you have for Mandy.

All that means is that Mandy has filled a hole in your heart, but not the hole left by Jessica's passing. She fills the hole where a good partner should fit. You haven't felt this for a long time. Enjoy it, and know that you deserve it, and don't be hard on yourself. Make sure that Mandy knows how special she is to you, and she will understand.

Thank you Sabrina That’s probably one of nicest compliments I have been given by somebody on the internet and I appreciate it. Mandy is a wonderful woman and every day I spend with her I am falling deeper and deeper in love with her. I’m literally head over heels and like I said, I’ve never felt this way about somebody since Jessica passed away. Not even Rachel. When we were at the shops this morning I pretended to fall on her and she grabbed me and I said “Hold me darling I think I am falling into your heart” and she burst out laughing and everybody was staring at us.

I might have made a fool out of myself but it was worth it just to put a smile on her face. She thinks I am crazy sometimes and I am. I’m crazy for her and I want to be forever in her heart. I used to do the craziest things possible to make Jessica laugh when I was younger and that is what I am doing for Mandy. I’m not planning on climbing any trees though but I would if she wanted me to. She is an angel in my eyes and all I want to be for her and what she is to me. She has breathed new life into me and she has saved me from my depression. I can’t thank her enough for doing that I’m still trying to figure out where she hides her wings but I will find them one day.

Losing Jessica was the hardest thing I had to go through Visioneer. I had to go through it all by myself for a lot of years and there was nobody there to comfort me. My so-called friends blamed me for her death because her father was driving her to my house when they were involved in an accident and I spent the next few years crying until I met Rachel. Jessica was my soul mate. Without her I didn’t think I had anything worth living for and tore me apart. Everybody just expected me to get over it but I couldn’t for a long time because we were so close. Losing Rachel was the second hardest thing because even though she was a lesbian I loved her more than anything.

After Rachel passed away I just wanted a girl who would love me the same way Jessica did and with Mandy I have that. She has forgiven me for the mistake and she knows it won’t happen again. I think one of the main reasons I accidentally called her Jessica is because we are starting to really share the same connection and this is the closest I have been with somebody since Jessica passed away. I’m always going to have a place for Jessica deep inside and she has become a part of me. I have never been through a breakup but I know it wouldn’t hurt as much as losing your soul mate.

I think Mandy is my second soul mate. I have said this on here before and it’s because we are alike in ways and we have a very strong bond like I had with Jessica. I told her that the other day that the other day and she just smiled at me and kissed me. I feel like I know what she is thinking sometimes and she knows what I am thinking too. I went to say something the other day and Mandy said it for me before I could and that’s what me and Jessica used to do.

For what it's worth Blades I did the same thing to my husband. We had been dating for 4 months at the time and to make matters worse it was during sex. I went over it and over it in my head and couldn't tell you why the wrong name popped out. I hadn't even seen my exe since he broke our engagement 5 years before. All I did was have a very open honest talk with him. I told him how sorry I was and that I never wanted to cause him any worry or pain. We'll have been married for 4 years on 02/29/12 and we both look back at it now and laugh.