[ACanthony]

Hello all To start with, I don't want the advice to simply 'run for it!' While I see the red flags, my heart is telling me to be patient.

I am dating 'Sara' who is in her mid 20's (as am I). She has a year old baby from a previous marriage. Going into this relationship, I knew that it would be different for me (dealing with a child). But I think Sara is charming, we get along, she is a nice girl with a nice heart, and overall she is pretty nice to me and a good influence. We are officially boyfriend/girlfriend too.

Sara lives with her parents. She can't leave her house too much because her parents insist that she stays with the child (because the parents watch her while Sara is at work). So I am usually the one to travel to her place. When I get there, a lot of times I feel ignored. The concentration is on the baby (obviously I accept that) but there is often little time for me.

Sara makes up for the lack of time with me in other ways, but those ways are getting less and less. For instance, we used to talk on the phone each night for 45 minutes or so. We used to email during work hours. Now Sara doesn't email much at work (she is getting more and more busy at work she says) and whenever we talk on the phone it's usually interrupted by the child.

On top of that, Sara has stress from work, lives with a ton of people in her house, has to deal with her child, etc. I feel like it's a 1 way street where she complains about her life (because of all these stressors she is rarely in a cheerful mood) and I feel neglected with my own issues. I feel like I'm making a lot of sacrifices and not getting much in return. Being that I do see the potential in our relationship and I am patient and I enjoy Sara's company overall, is there anything I can do? What would you do? It just feels like my needs aren't being met but I don't want to come off as demanding, being that Sara has a child and the child is #1.

Thank you

[Astridetal]

This is a tough situation. I can't tell you what to do really as you have to decide this fo ryourself. Maybe it's an idea to play with the baby together when you're at Sara's. If your relationship is serious enough, the baby will have to accept you as a surrogate father so it is quite good if you learn to bond with the baby. (I know this is hard after a relationship of less than a year.). As for spending time togehter or on the phone or E-mail, does she say why she doesn't contact you as much anymore, other than being busy? You could explain to her that while her parents, her child and her work are important, so are you. I hope she will respect that. Good luck.

[ACanthony]

Thank you

When I do go over the house, I do play with the baby. But the baby is very spoiled. She cries whenever she doesn't get something she wants. She constantly wants to run around the house and most of Sara's time is spent catering towards this baby. I don't mind being 'surrogate father' or even accepting those responsibilities.

Also, Sara's parents speak little English. There is a communication barrier. We can communicate but they chose for the most part to speak their native language and most of the time, I just don't know what's going on. So while I don't mind travelling the distance to get to Sara, my time there is spent dealing with a crying child, sitting there awkwardly because the parents aren't very talkative, and also due to her job/child, when Sara and I are 1 on 1 she just wants to cuddle and not talk anyways because she is tired.

[(JD)]

Communication is key. Keep talking with your GF and try to come to set agreements and ideas for the future. You might even try some couples counseling?

[IceCreamKid]

Where is this woman's husband in all of this? Surely you can go out on the weekends when he has the baby for visitation. A one year old child is hardly old enough to be "spoiled" and all babies want what they want when they want it. You can say, gently, to a baby: This cookie is for [someone], but the baby may very well grab it and shove it in her mouth, given the opportunity, or cry because she wants it. I think a better solution is for you to find a woman from your own culture who doesn't have babies, so that your needs can be met.

[Visioneer]

Dating as a single parent is complicated. I know lots of people who have been through it, and have dated someone with children but ultimately realized that I am in no shape to be a parent myself, and that we were at completely different stages in life. That honesty was the best thing for both of us.

At this point, this young woman has a baby to take care of. Of course she shouldn't feel like she has to be alone in life because she now has a child, that would be silly. But at this critical stage, the baby requires a lot of attention, and perhaps that's where her attention should be going (?), especially since her parents are currently caring for it.

The things you have described seem to say that you don't know her very well, perhaps have only been dating a short time. Is that correct? If so, it's pretty early in the game to be torn about things. You said yourself that you are ignoring red flags. Ask yourself why, and whether your emotional need for a relationship is worth the negative emotional reward of this particular relationship. Do what is best for yourself.

I hate to say it, but she might also see you as a way out of her situation. She's talking to you when she needs to talk, and frankly with everything going on, she probably doesn't have time or energy to reciprocate your efforts, whether or not she has any intention of using you (I'm not making that assumption, just to be clear). Do you believe that she is mentally and emotionally ready to have a serious relationship, and to be part of the partnership that you truly desire? She's doing everything on her time and her terms. Let her sort out her own problems and be in a place where she is sure of herself. She's in a position of instability, and that's not a healthy place for you to start.

I realize you began your post by asking people to not tell you to run away from this situation. Just be logical and honest about it.

[Soul Quake]

How long have you been together? Your girlfriend obviously has a lot on her plate; a baby, she's divorced, has a stressful job, her social life seems limited.

What do you want from this relationship? Where do you want it to lead?

What do you expect Sara to change to assuage your feelings of being ignored? Have you talked to Sara about what you have told us?

[mgran]

Originally Posted by ACanthony

Thank you

When I do go over the house, I do play with the baby. But the baby is very spoiled. She cries whenever she doesn't get something she wants. She constantly wants to run around the house and most of Sara's time is spent catering towards this baby. I don't mind being 'surrogate father' or even accepting those responsibilities.

Also, Sara's parents speak little English. There is a communication barrier. We can communicate but they chose for the most part to speak their native language and most of the time, I just don't know what's going on. So while I don't mind travelling the distance to get to Sara, my time there is spent dealing with a crying child, sitting there awkwardly because the parents aren't very talkative, and also due to her job/child, when Sara and I are 1 on 1 she just wants to cuddle and not talk anyways because she is tired.

It is very interesting indeed to me that you say in the above post "the baby is very spoiled. She cries whenever she doesn't get anything she wants."

Obviously you haven't studied infant psychology, raised a child of your own, or been around infants in a caring capacity, or you would know that all babies of a year old behave in this way, unless there is something very wrong. The only way in which a baby can communicate a need is to cry. A year old baby who didn't cry when hungry, lonely, bored, teething, anxious, sleepy, etc, would not be a healthy baby. Being spoiled has nothing to do with it.

I suspect that there is a little bit of resentment on your part that the child is demanding. You have to accept that the child will be demanding. She's a year old baby. That's what they do.

It seems that the situation is very complicated, for both you and "Sarah", and you need to think seriously about what you can do. You need to educate yourself not just on relationship issues, but also on parental issues, so that you will understand how infants are supposed to behave, without imposing a value judgement (eg, "spoiled") onto a normal situation.

[hoping4best]

Any chance she could move in with you?