[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 2 years. Our relationship has had its ups and downs and for the most part we stay happy. We laugh together, we share common interests, have fun... He's so helpful and kind. I've had a lot of trust in our relationship over the last couple years until recently. I had a couple of seizures a month or so back and since then things have gone down hill. We fight a lot more. Most of the time we can solve the problems but we are fighting so much more than normal. He's getting mad at me more easily and I'm getting jealous over everything. He doesn't tell me some things anymore because he thinks I will get mad at him I'm sure. A new girl started working at his job supposedly but he didn't tell me. Work is something he doesn't talk about with me. I've brought this up with him before and he says it puts me in a bad mood when he talks about it or because I hate my job he says I talk about it all the time but since he likes his job he doesn't feel the need to talk about it? That's his excuse. Anyways, so apparently there is yet another chick working with him alone. He works with one person a day and when he works with like 8 females and one male... This is a hard fact for me to swallow sometimes with me being so insecure. But now here comes a new chick and he doesn't even tell me. He's been hiding his schedule more and more... I just don't know... I don't think he would cheat on me. He tells me every day so many wonderful things. But the relationship is on the rocks and he's changing. He used to bring things to my work because he enjoyed seeing me, he also would help a lot more willingly. He would cook for me and do things like laundry for me and help with my daughter. But lately he seems to act like it's a pain in the neck to do these things that he has acted like he has enjoyed for the last 2 years.
So now I'm stuck. I've got this fight or flight issue. I don't know what to do. I've always been like this. Everytime he and I argue I argue until I'm blue in the face and if we don't get anywhere and things don't get better I prepare myself to leave. I get panicked and start to convince myself that I will be fine without him, I will make it and things will be OK. I don't like these thoughts, I don't want to leave. With us fighting so much and the fact that I don't feel like anything I am trying to do to get us out of this rut is making much of a difference, I'm getting more and more ready to leave. I don't know what it is. I don't know if maybe I am reading into things far too much and just letting my fears and insecurities take over or if I should be worried for our relationship. I really care for him and don't want to go anywhere. What do I do? Every time I think about it... I freak out. My thinking process basically goes... "He's working with nothing but girls... He really loves his job... With all the girls (when really it's because he loves dogs and works with dogs)... He is spending a ton of time with these girls... Maybe he's not really at work... Maybe he's somehow lying about his schedule... Nah... But... Maybe he's going to be interested in a girl he works with and start realizing I'm worthless... He probably is already starting to see that... He's going to leave me soon.... I've already pushed too far with my insecurities it can't be fixed... He's done with me.... I have to run... Leave before it gets worse and hurts. Leave before he breaks my heart..."The thoughts continue but I love him so much I'm afraid to leave too... But I'm so afraid to be hurt... I don't know what to do... Please help

[emptybee15]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

My thinking process basically goes... "He's working with nothing but girls... He really loves his job... With all the girls (when really it's because he loves dogs and works with dogs)... He is spending a ton of time with these girls... Maybe he's not really at work... Maybe he's somehow lying about his schedule... Nah... But... Maybe he's going to be interested in a girl he works with and start realizing I'm worthless... He probably is already starting to see that... He's going to leave me soon.... I've already pushed too far with my insecurities it can't be fixed... He's done with me.... I have to run... Leave before it gets worse and hurts. Leave before he breaks my heart..."The thoughts continue but I love him so much I'm afraid to leave too... But I'm so afraid to be hurt... I don't know what to do... Please help

If you didn't just describe me to a T...you are not alone at all on that one. Me and my boyfriend were having a disagreement yesterday morning and EVERY time we do, I think that he's going to break up with me because I'll never be good enough to keep anyone around. Then he reassured me because he said without confrontations there can't be any compromise and that healthy fights are good. He also told me that he has insecurites that creep up on him too.

Maybe you can ask your boyfriend if he has any insecurites that may be causing the problem, it doesn't have to be all you to blame.

Hope I helped, even a little.

Best Wishes!

[shezbut]

(((PFM)))

You and your bf are going through some tough times ~ no doubt about it.

Personally, I often try to remind myself that just because I feel "funny" inside, that doesn't mean that the relationship is doomed to failure. I have a very bad habit of pulling back emotionally & purposely bringing up sensitive subjects to test my bf. Pretty stupid, because there really is no answer that he could give to satisfy me. That is due to my own horrible insecurities. Knowing that about myself, I step away.

I don't know what to say. My insecurity and self-hate are very core issues of who I am. I don't like it ~ these problems create a lot of stress for me and people who do care about me. But, I'm active in therapy and in the "outside world". What else can I do? I can sympathize with you. Try hard not to let your paranoia rule your actions. Try not to accuse your bf. Instead, stick with the "I feel.." Try not to bring these same events up over and over ~ as it automatically puts him on defense & makes the guy want to run.

It is hard, PFM. Try to be gentle on yourself ~ it takes a lot of practice!

p.s. Coming up on your neuro visit soon, I hope? Time seems to be dragging in this part of your world, which is engulfing!

[Leed]

Hi ~ I'm sure you don't want to KEEP living like this. But if you don't do something about it, you WILL. Why not go for couples counseling? It sounds like both of you could use it. Communication is almost nil with the two of you. You should be able to TALK about things and work them out without fighting.

If you don't think he will go to counseling, then I'd get out. No one wants to live like that. The fights will only continue and probably get worse. You CAN make it on your own !!! You're an intelligent person -- don't stay in a relationship that doesn't have any future but heartache.

Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thank you for all the replies. He and I got into an argument right after I posted this. We both calmed down by the time I got off work and were fine again but I kept noticing little things. I don't know if again I'm exaggerating them or if it's legitimate concerns... He's just seeming less and less wanting to do things. I have a 3 year old daughter and for the past year and a half or so he's been really helpful on his own with her. He willingly does things for me all the time but yesterday when I asked him (because my back had been bothering me yesterday, I have degenerative disc disease in my back) to help my daughter into her car seat he just sat there for a minute, didn't say anything then went around and buckled her in the seat. When I said thank you he just said "yup". Then we're driving down the road and I ask him if I can turn on my cd since I had made a mixed cd that we both liked. He just said no and me thinking he was joking I said "Man you've had your CD in there for days" so he says "because it's my da** car" He was half laughing when he said that. I just said "OK" and sat back in my seat. He noticed it had upset me and apologized and said he was just joking but I don't think he was.
The thing is, last year he was driving my car with me in the passengers seat and I was laying down in the passengers seat taking a nap. We live in a small town and he was taking me out of town for my birthday when a tow truck came in our lane both of us going 60. He went of the road lost control of the car and went back on the road and into an explorer flipping the explorer. I thank the Lord every day we were alive and my daughter was not with us. My car was totalled. I have no money for another one. Then I make plans to get driving again and had 3 seizures in August. They suspended my license for 3 years. I can't drive and I no longer have a car. I feel useless in this aspect and he knows this so his comment about his dang car hurt me. He blamed his self for the accident and told me that when he got another car he was going to give me the car he currently has. I've always told him it was unnessesary. He would then call it "our" car since we all use it pretty much. He also blames himself for the seizures since the fist one happened because I did something I did not want to do but did because he wanted me to. I don't blame him for either. He was not the tow truck who caused the accident and he was not the one who decided to go through with something they had a feeling not to do. He blames himself but I don't blame him.

I've been trying really hard this past week not to let myself got overly upset over things. Not to get so jealous. He says I get upset too easily and I've been working hard on this. But he notices every tiny thing and looks at it like it's me getting just as mad as if I were yelling at him. He expects me to be happy non stop. He's made the comment before that he wished I could just be happy for one day without something upsetting me. That hurt my feelings. Maybe I do get too emotional.

The night I had the first seizure while I was still out of my mind I asked my boyfriend to marry me. It was something before that night that I had thought of many many many times before but was waiting for him to make the move. He said yes and said he wanted to ask me last v-day and was going to use a family heirloom for the ring but his mom couldn't find it. We decided we were going to wait to tell anyone until we were finished with college, our parents are kinda like that where we know they would rather us wait.

He used to laugh and smile when we would talk about it. Now he doesn't say anything about it. As if we had never discussed it before. He used to whisper "my future wife" to me when people were around. The one argument we get into he tells me "how can I marry you if you're always getting to upset and you don't trust me?" since that day he hasn't mentioned us getting married once. I'm ready to rip everything involving that up and tell him I take it back. Can you do that? I don't want to.... But does he?

Lee, unfortunately I don't think couples councelling is going to be possible for us since neither one of us has insurance and we're pretty broke until we can get out of school. I doubt he would go. He's not the counceling type, none of his family. They are all very hush hush about that kind of thing. I need personal therapy again I'm afraid. I thought I was going well on my own but I'm thinking there's a lot more going on up in my head than I originally had thought.

Up until 2 months ago we didn't fight a lot. We had our moments. When work was stressing us out we would argue, if we had a bad week at work we would have a bad week in our relationship. I can see how my stress effects our relationship. But 95% of our relationship has been good happy and loving. So many people have admitted to being jealous of what we had. Saying we were always happy, they never saw us fight, asking if we ever did fight. Noticing how we always are on the same page. We always agree on the same things, like the same things, do the same things. Everything about us seemed perfect. It was. Every little detail. In the car in the middle of dead silence too many times we both go to talk and say the exact same thing at the same time. We've had the same life experiences but in our own way. His parents were the parents I wanted, my mom was the mom he wanted. It's an even perfect balance between the two of us. But since August things have changed and our relationship has made an unexpected turn. After nearly 2 years of extremely happy times I don't think I'm quite ready to give it up after just 2 months of rocks. I want it to work more than I want to run away, that says something to me.

Emptybee; thank you for your post and I'm sorry you deal with this as well. It's no fun that's for sure. My boyfriend does have some insecurity issues and I don't know if that's a reason. I think most of it is my insecurities but I've noticed something about him when he argues. His parents pointed it out. He's always the victim. No matter what you say he feels like he's being attacked. And he goes into defense mode instantly. Example... About a month ago I was feeling really insecure. The seizures were still fresh in my mind and I noticed all the changes starting in the relationship. He was playing drums for the church and I got insecure thinking her was interested in the female singer. Knowing I was just being insecure in the car I didn't say anything but he kept asking me over and over what was wrong until I had to. I only said "I feel like you were more interested in her then me when you didn't look at me for 4 songs in a row." and he lost it. Got really mad and went off about how insecure and untrusting I was of him. It turned into a HUGE argument where I just sat there quiet not wanting to worsen things and he sat there ranting and raving about my trust issues.

I love him and it's been hard but I've been in abusive and cheating relationships. I know this one is worth saving I just don't know how.

Thank you once again Shezbut for your reply. You're always so helpful and I always find your posts caring and genuine. I'm sorry you're dealing with this as well. I do probably need to just step away and allow myself to see things the real way. He is just on it so fast if he suspects something is wrong. The moment he sees me stop smiling he's asking what's wrong or if I'm ok. Granted I'm terrible at hiding my feelings but he doesn't give me time to even understand my feelings. I've mentioned this to him before but he doesn't seem to fully understand. He says he will work on it but it seems as if he's just looking for me to be upset. It makes things worse when he expects me to get mad 24/7

The doc appointment is still a month and 6 days away. Time is dragging so slow. My health seems to be better. It seems to me that the seizures are stress related since that's when they get at their worst so I've been trying my hardest to not stress. He doesn't think so and doesn't see it but I really am and I've made a lot of improvements. I'm proud of myself but he seems to only see my slips and not the big picture. It's so confusing and I dunno what to do about it.

Thank you again for all of the posts, sorry to write so much I'm gonna go ahead and post this before I write a novel. Thank you again for the kind words!!!

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

We had a long talk last night... I don't really have the energy to go over the details too much but basically he told me how he felt. At dinner with his family mind you. He tells me that he's been doing a lot of thinking about why we're fighting and he's figured it out and we would talk about it later. So later comes and he tells me all of the things that have been upsetting him
How I'm never happy. How no matter how hard he tries he never feels like he meets up to my expectations. How he feels like he has no freedom because he spends all of his time with me and my daughter. How he feels like he can no longer play the drums, something that he loves to do, because he's with me and I'm so anti drums and always think he's choosing them over me and I just wont let him do the thing he loves to do and blah blah blah... I wouldn't be saying blah blah blah if it were even remotely true.
I'm not against him playing an instrument. I just don't want when we both get off work at 6pm for him to go straight to band practice 5 nights a week and be there until 10 at night. I want to spend time with him. I myself like to play the drums, I don't want him to stop playing. I just want him to find a way to balance it. To make it where I spend time with him and he gets his drum time but to him it's all or nothing...
So after this long discussion about his lack of freedom and as he called it his lack of "free will" due to being with me I ended up saying what I've been afraid he would be the one to say. I have had the feeling that since he and I agreed to get married, that that's been the issue and when I hear all of his freedom problems within our relationship it kind of confirmed my suspicions about him not actually wanting to get married. So I said to him "I've been thinking maybe we should put off talking about getting married for a few more years. If you already feel like you're trapped and your freedom is gone, being married is going to make that worse for you." and he AGREED! He agreed to postpone the "engagement", if that's what you want to call it, for a few years.
Just last year though, well about 6 months ago he told me he had been thinking about marriage a lot and that if he asked me and I turned him down that he wouldn't be able to handle that kind of rejection and we wouldn't make it. So what about my feelings? How am I supposed to handle this rejection? Sorry to write so much but this... Is not something I wanted to happen...

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I wrote him a letter. It's long. I don't know if I'm giving it to him or not. I don't know if this is the end or not. It worries me. I don't want to lose him but it looks like things are not getting better.... So worried...

[shezbut]

(((((PFM)))))

Very gentle hugs sent your way. I wish that I could help.

It's a lot easier to put time and effort into our words, when writing it down on paper or online. In person...not so easy! My thoughts are with you. Maybe you could ask a friend for their opinion on the letter that you wrote? To be sure that the words aren't too emotionally charged?

[Open Eyes]

I was just thinking about how you said the two of you think the same thoughts alot.
Maybe he is misreading you and thinking your not in love with him anymore either.
And you do say he always seems the victim and that is often how his mind works, maybe he is also having the same thoughts as you, maybe she doesnt love me anymore, she never seems happy, maybe she wants someone else better than me.

I hope I catch you, before you write that letter are you giving HIM permission to run, are you going to possibly confirm his concerns about you?

I wonder if your both reading each other wrong. Well, him asking about the drums is not so bad, he is maybe feeling the gravity of the situation and is not really sure if you love him or not. His looking for your smiles and wanting you to be happy is not the requests or concerns of someone who is cheating or thinking about other girls.
If that was the case, he would not be asking you those key questions. And he would not get so upset about your trust issues if he was looking to leave you or be with another girl. You cannot see the body expressions you are giving off to him, what he is reading by all your little signals of struggle. And because he assumes things are always his fault, he is blaming himself. You may be feeding him doubt constantly and he doesn't know what to do with those signals.

I think you should rethink that letter, if you keep sending doubt he may run too in fear of being hurt.

Think about it, your both still young yet, guys don't know how to just do relationships you know they really struggle and remember men are fixers so if look broken to him somehow and he can't find a way to fix you, he will get very frustrated with that.
I think you are allowing yourself to think about all the negetives. I think you are both thinging very much the same only you are a female and he is a male and by that alone you are going to register things a little differently.

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

I was just thinking about how you said the two of you think the same thoughts alot.
Maybe he is misreading you and thinking your not in love with him anymore either.
And you do say he always seems the victim and that is often how his mind works, maybe he is also having the same thoughts as you, maybe she doesnt love me anymore, she never seems happy, maybe she wants someone else better than me.

I hope I catch you, before you write that letter are you giving HIM permission to run, are you going to possibly confirm his concerns about you?

I wonder if your both reading each other wrong. Well, him asking about the drums is not so bad, he is maybe feeling the gravity of the situation and is not really sure if you love him or not. His looking for your smiles and wanting you to be happy is not the requests or concerns of someone who is cheating or thinking about other girls.
If that was the case, he would not be asking you those key questions. And he would not get so upset about your trust issues if he was looking to leave you or be with another girl. You cannot see the body expressions you are giving off to him, what he is reading by all your little signals of struggle. And because he assumes things are always his fault, he is blaming himself. You may be feeding him doubt constantly and he doesn't know what to do with those signals.

I think you should rethink that letter, if you keep sending doubt he may run too in fear of being hurt.

Think about it, your both still young yet, guys don't know how to just do relationships you know they really struggle and remember men are fixers so if look broken to him somehow and he can't find a way to fix you, he will get very frustrated with that.
I think you are allowing yourself to think about all the negetives. I think you are both thinging very much the same only you are a female and he is a male and by that alone you are going to register things a little differently.

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

I was just thinking about how you said the two of you think the same thoughts alot.
Maybe he is misreading you and thinking your not in love with him anymore either.
And you do say he always seems the victim and that is often how his mind works, maybe he is also having the same thoughts as you, maybe she doesnt love me anymore, she never seems happy, maybe she wants someone else better than me.

I hope I catch you, before you write that letter are you giving HIM permission to run, are you going to possibly confirm his concerns about you?

I wonder if your both reading each other wrong. Well, him asking about the drums is not so bad, he is maybe feeling the gravity of the situation and is not really sure if you love him or not. His looking for your smiles and wanting you to be happy is not the requests or concerns of someone who is cheating or thinking about other girls.
If that was the case, he would not be asking you those key questions. And he would not get so upset about your trust issues if he was looking to leave you or be with another girl. You cannot see the body expressions you are giving off to him, what he is reading by all your little signals of struggle. And because he assumes things are always his fault, he is blaming himself. You may be feeding him doubt constantly and he doesn't know what to do with those signals.

I think you should rethink that letter, if you keep sending doubt he may run too in fear of being hurt.

Think about it, your both still young yet, guys don't know how to just do relationships you know they really struggle and remember men are fixers so if look broken to him somehow and he can't find a way to fix you, he will get very frustrated with that.
I think you are allowing yourself to think about all the negetives. I think you are both thinging very much the same only you are a female and he is a male and by that alone you are going to register things a little differently.

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

Hey, I am awfully sorry, I don't understand how my post got posted three times.
Thats strange, how could that happen? Sorry, it wasn't me.
Open Eyes

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Thank you open eyes and shezbut. And no worries open eyes, i reread each one... Only because I reread things all the time over and over to fully understand every word, so the tripple posting made it easier

I didn't give him the letter. I ripped it in half and threw it in the trash. I was going to but I decided not to. When he got home from work I could tell he was trying to be in a good mood and he was trying to act like the night before hadn't happened basically. So I went along with it and we both, awquardly at some times, tried to act as if this whole thing hadn't happened. He apologized numerous times throughout the day but that was all that was said about it. I would just tell him "Don't be sorry. You can't help how you feel and you're only telling me how you feel. It's nothing to be sorry for". We made it through Friday pretty well. Things were a little tense but when I saw him trying to put an effort into getting things back to the way they were, I decided not to give the letter. I'm happy about that decision.

Instead for some reason I gave him his birthday present. He was a little confused as well. I just wanted to give something positive to the day and get the good mood started. His birthday isn't for a month. I do things like that when I'm in an argument. That's a whole other topic there lol.

Yesterday was even better. No arguments at all or any uncomfortable or angry feelings. I could feel the jealousy come but the second I started to feel it I would force it away and the day went well. We were laughing and seeming to be back to normal. Then I got online and read these and they helped even more.

What you said open eyes made perfect sense so I brought it up with him last night when we were getting ready for bed. We talked about it for a minute and it seemed like I understood him better and he understood me better.

Hopefully things keep getting better. I just have to watch myself and make sure I don't let my feelings get the best of me. I gotta get going. Gotta get started with my day!!! Thanks again for the replies

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Oh... He said the night we had the argument, that he had a bad dream. All he really told me about it though was that I had seizures and he ended up going to prison. He said he thought he had the dream because he felt like crap and was being horrible to me so he deserved to be locked up in jail.

I don't think that's why he had that dream. I think he subconsciously feels like my seizures had made him even more trapped and he feels like a prisoner to me and the seizure issue. Maybe not me, maybe not the seizures. It could be one or both. But with the dream it seems pretty clear to me he feels like he's trapped in this relationship or trapped due to one of these... I didn't tell him my theory.

[shezbut]

(((PFM)))