Run...

I keep wanting to run. I keep wanting to just call it quits. Just get out before it devours me. But it's not bad! My relationship is doing rather well lately. For the most part we do well. For a couple months we hit a rough patch where he called off our engagement but things have gotten back to normal for a while now and we're back to the same old.

But since it's been called off I want to run. I'm tired of hiding the fact that I'm NOT OK with it being called off. There were reasons for wanting to marry him and for me those reasons have not changed but apparently his have. So I want to run. I want to hide. I want to leave before I'm destroyed. Will I spend the next 5 years in this relationship only for him to never marry me and one day leave?

He said I don't trust him... I guess he's right. Since he called off the wedding every slight mention of him with a female makes my blood boil. Is there a way to trust when he says he doesn't want to marry you anymore?

He's a very good man, I guess he just doesn't want to be with me for very long. But doesn't want to lose me now but I'm not that person. I'm not just time to kill!!!!!!!

It's our 2 year anniversary today... Last year he said nothing... Now today we get into a fight. Because he thinks I'm some kind of jealous freak. I've been hiding my jealousy from him. Shoving it way down and grinning and bearing it. But he still continues to insist that I'm jealous. I can't handle this I just want to yell "No no no no no!!!" Run away and start over alone just me and my little girl. Give up on any kind of friendship or relationship. Just me and her, the rest of the world does not exist. Is that healthy? I want to run. I always run. I want to make things work and I've been trying so hard to change and be a better person for him but it's not enough so I feel like I need to leave before he does.

We had a huge blow out fight a couple weeks ago. I apologized and told him I would change and I have. Every day I'm working hard to change but he doesn't see it. The more he doesn't see it the more I want to just give up and go back. What's the point of changing if he's still going to think the same things about me? What's the point of staying if he things so many bad things about me being jealous and upset all the time and all of that... I love him... So much... Enough to run away from the pain if he leaves or pushes me out. I think I'm already being pushed out....

I don't know anymore I just have this urge to grab my daughter from school and leave town right this second. But I have no car no money and a full time job... But I can't just wait for him to decide he no longer wants me!

I'm sorry you argued today on your 2 year anniversary; that's sad.

I hope you can work on your anxieties that he will leave you, that you are not enough in/of yourself that no matter where or with whom you are, you are.

I wrote him an email... Probably not a good idea. He takes things the completely wrong way. I don't know if it will push him away or not but I was honest about everything. How I felt about his calling off the engagement, how I feel about our anniversary that two years in a row he's ignored and how I feel about his feelings toward me. Today was supposed to be a good day. I wanted so bad to have something good worth remembering on our second anniversary. At least I'm sure I will remember it

Can you plan a nice little dinner/celebration of some sort at home or plan a trip out for food/dinner and create an opportunity to talk? Make it a good day for yourself anyway, don't give up, it could end up being very helpful to the relationship, just painful this morning.

I was hoping to go out to dinner. He works until 6. I've asked him for 2 weeks to get today off work but he always "forgot" and now he works until 6. I didn't tell him why I wanted him to have the day off I just said I wanted to spend time together. He has a 3 hour break from 12-3 today and that's when I was hoping he and I could spend time together going to lunch and doing things we both like since my daughter will be in school. But now it looks like it's going to be an awquard 3 hours when he gets home. He hasn't been online to check his email on facebook and if he doesn't before he comes home idk. It's gonna be uncomfortable now no matter what after the email I sent. I've been holding it all in for 2 weeks and just let it all out. I don't know if it's going to make things better or worse but I had to say something. I feel like a punching bag right now. He gets upset and because I'm there he takes it out on me sometimes. He just picks an argument with me when he's upset. Then his Grandma (who we moved in with because HE wanted to) gets onto me saying it's not right for her grandson to wait on me hand and foot and that I'm basically lazy and do nothing and he does everything. But that's far from the truth. He does cook for me and get me things like drinks and such. But it's because we live with his grandmother and I dont feel comfortable going through her kitchen. I do clean and do things, more than he does most of the time but it's all unnoticed. It seems like I'm just not good enough for him or his family. I feel like I'm a punching bag and they're all going to town on me.

He's a good man and does a lot for me. It's so hard to find someone like that. He makes me laugh and so happy. He treats me so well and I love him dearly. But love isn't always enough and it seems like his love is fading. Our relationship seems so perfect, destined to last... But we seem to be programed to wreck even destiny.

I don't know how to fix it. I think he's keeping something from me. He's been having trouble in the relationship and instead of trying to work on it like me, he's keeping it in and not allowing me the chance to fix it or help it. It's like he's made up his mind it's not going to work and I can't change it. I don't know if it's really that way or not but it feels like it is.

I guess the day will depend on how he is when he gets home in 30 minutes. I just want to run into his arms hug him and not let him go. But when I see that look that he's not happy, I just want to run past him as far as I can without looking back.