[helpmyhusband]

My husband had a rough childhood. His father cheated on his mother, and abused her in every possible way. My husband saw and heard it all. He is the eldest of two boys so he thought it was his responsibility to protect his younger brother and his mother. He now has what we think is PTSD. He doesn't want to talk to a therapist. He says it's useless because he will always carry it with him. He has nightmares and he is very withdrawn. He's not social, except with very close family and a few friends. I don't know how or what I can do to help. I don't want to divorce him because I took a vow and I love him but how can we get through this when he doesn't want to get help? We've been married almost 10 years and I still don't know what exactly what happened in his childhood. I don't know what to do anymore. Please help....

[Leed]

Hi ! It sounds like your poor husband was really affected by the goings on at home. I can understand, as I saw alot of the same thing, and I too felt I had to "protect" my little sister.

Let your husband know that he doesn't HAVE to carry this around for the rest of his life -- that a therapist CAN help you learn to let go, and bury the past. Perhaps he feels guilty that he couldn't do more for his mother & brother -- but it was not his responsibility! He doesn't have to suffer like this forever. I went to therapy and learned how to get thru the past and how to put it to rest.

Perhaps if you suggested JOINT counseling, he might be more apt to go. It's worth a try. I wish I had more advice, but it's very difficult when one refuses help when he really needs it.

Best of luck & God bless. Keep us posted on what happens, ok? Hugs, Lee

[TerryL]

Some people still feel there is a stigma to seeking therapy which is unfortunate. I think if your husband knew or heard of more people (especially men, or someone he admires) seeking counseling he might be more open to it. Or maybe show him the postings on PC. It is certainly easy access, anonymous and totally freeing. I would hate to see him carry such pain inside for the rest of his life. All the best--

[NCsweetheart79]

I know what you are going through my husband had a rough background as well. He developed PTSD on top of his Bi-polar and Depression. We had it rough because he wasn't on any meds and wasn't in counseling. He would have violent and angry mood swings and not remember what happened. Course I loved him and I didn't leave because I knew it was mental illness and anger issues he had. I eventually had to kick him out for him to realize he needs the help and we couldn't do this anymore. He has been in counseling and on meds for over 4 yrs but hasn't had a episode in 2-3 yrs. I am hoping you don't have to go to that extreme but maybe talk to your T and see what they suggest and also you can try to suggest joint therapy but becareful with this because he can transfer blame on to you. My husband did and thats why I finally took myself out of his sessions because he was blaming me for things that I had no control over. Sorry for the long post but just wanted to share I know what you are going through and if ya ever need any help PM me. BTW I have been married 10 yrs.

[helpmyhusband]

Thank you all very much for your advice. Although I don't think my husband will ever believe counseling will help. I offered joint counseling and then I offered just him but no go. He said the damage is done and he'll always carry it. I believe he thinks there is shame in reaching out for help or if people find he's in counseling they will say stuff. I don't know for sure though, but he's not talking to me. He needs to talk to someone or else this cycle we're in will just continue. He'll be ok for days, weeks or even months until something triggers it. Maybe I should buy him a journal in hopes he'll write it all down.

[NCsweetheart79]

He could just be ashamed of his past and that he will be judged for it even though he did nothing wrong. He has that victim mentality that he will always be a victim and nothing will change and that just lets his abusers win. If he could talk to my hubby because in some ways he can relate. Course my husband isn't much of a talker lol.

[TerryL]

I grew up in a culture that never even heard of such a thing as therapy. Maybe you could just show your hubby how to navigate PC and leave him curious, on his own, to investigate it some more..(like leaving a tidbit out and watching your kitty kat sniff at the treat...) Worth a try..??

[helpmyhusband]

NCsweetheart...He may be ashamed of his past but he does tell me that it was awful so why would he want to talk about it and relive it. I tell him so he can get it off his chest and hopefully that will help him and I could help. Although it doesn't work. My husband is not a talker either. Sometimes it feels like I'm pulling teeth to get him to talk.

TerryL...My husband is very computer savy. If he really wanted he could find this website or others like it very easily. I think he just tries to push it to the back of his mind as much as possible. We're doing good now but who knows what and when he will be triggered again. I hate to think about it because it's very stressful and emotionally draining.

[NCsweetheart79]

I think someways he feels guilty that he was put into that situation even though he had no control over it. Course he is a man to and men have a hard time opening up to because they are suppose to be the strong ones and make people think they are unbreakable. We all have pasts that we don't want to talk about because we have lived with it for so long we wouldn't know what to do if we didn't have it anymore. Yeah know what ya mean some days I just want to say spit it out lol. Cause he goes into this thing where I am not ready to talk about it. Course with him he will never be ready to talk about it. Mine does see a counselor and he is just now trying to open up to the counselor and really tell him whats been going on. Hes been going for over 4 yrs.