reading into things, or am I being messed over?

Hey billi,

My questions to you would be, are you "assuming" things or is it your "gut" telling you something is up? In trying to figure this out, you may get your answer.

Billi: I need to sit very quiet and "feel" that gut. I am learning how to do that. thanks.

As far as your issue with mIRC goes, I used to frequent the mIRC chat program. Netsplits happen all the time.

Billi: Okay, that might be true. Just never had so much trouble getting back in. Never had to deal with so many either. And the people there were very defensive toward me about it, which bothered my "gut" a little.

There are so many servers (many many more than when I was on there) that they sometimes get out of synch and a split happens.

Billi: I don't know why they don't ever use a different server.

If someone was kicking you from the chat room you would be receiving a message that you were kicked and sometimes a reason (if they put one in).

Billi: I dont' get messages like that, but someone could possibly be kicking me in a different way without that message? Not sure. And again, they are very defensive about it and not very supportive, even though I am very diplomatic about this.



sabby

I think you have deeply rooted trust issues. Pinpoint when and why you started to not trust people, this can give you insight to why now you second guess things by reading into things. good luck.

billi, your therapist may very well be uncomfortable with you. it sounded like you got in to see her almost as a favor to your other doctor; she is the head of her agency, so she has more responsibilities than the "average" therapist; and instead of being grateful for, and understanding of, these two "introductory" conditions, and factoring them into your getting to know her, you totally judged her for being late to your first appointment. Maybe she totally judged you for how you reacted to her being late, in terms of, this may not be a person I can work with. She overreacts and is not aware of it, or why. She blames the other person. She has some insight, but only after the fact. I am not sure, but now that you mention it, I think I have had this happen to me, where there is a long wait before the first session with a new T. I DO think they size you up for it, even the receptionists.

Billi: I agree with this.

But I don't blame myself for it.

It's her thing, not mine!

I was somewhat taken aback by your statement that you have a "right" to therapy. You have a right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Some therapists are saying they "don't 'do' borderlines". Do they have that right? What happens when these rights conflict?

Billi: Yes, of course they have that right.

And I have to disagree just a little about what you said about not having an automatic right to therapy. To me, therapy is like health care and I believe we all have a right to it! But some therapists cannot work with certain kinds of people. I do sense an uncomfortability with her, but I do not blame myself for being demanding. In fact, this week, I think she tried to get out of 10 minutes of our session. I called her on it and she denied it. I like her, but I am still not sure I trust her to really be able to deal with me.


What if people ARE trying to let you down easy, so as not to hurt your feelings, would that be so bad? But you see it as a missed opportunity to defend your right to whatever they have, that they are denying you access to. You don't have a right to EVERYTHING, automatically.

Billi: No, not everything. But health care for me is sometimes therapy. And I just have an opinion that we all have a right to it. If I were a doctor, if I could not work with someone, I would still make sure someone else could work with a patient; I would not leave a patient ill for 2 years out in the cold!

You have to earn acceptance.

Billi: Okay, socially, in social relationships, not therapeutic ones! Again, my own opinion.

There are rules. We didn't learn them at home. The only rule I learned at home was, I LOSE. There was no acceptance. I think your home was like mine. That's why Doc John's first rule HERE is support - we are all accepted. Although even here you kinda have to earn your way onto the playground, but eventually you make "friends". You have many friends here. Surely you can charm the outside world as you have charmed us, with the softer side of billi, not the "right" side. Cuz I know I like the side I see here.

Billi: I really hope I did not give you the idea that i am demanding somehow. Even if I did, we have the right to disagree peacefully.

I think this is probably the reason behind all of this. I say this because I'm the exact same way. I always think people are lying to me about their feelings, especially in regards to me. This is due to having a father who was a compulsive liar. I could never trust anything that he said which leads me to have very deep-seated trust issues now. I hope things get better for you. I think Sabby's advice is the best advice here.