this is the first time that i can bring this here and address it and ask what you all think...you've probably read about Dale here before. we've been friends since we first worked together in a teen shelter. we've been very, very close. similiar interests, love of all animals, social work, crazy, meth addicts in our families, etc.

about 2-1/2 years ago, i suggested that he decorate his house. it looked like a rabbit warren. i didn't tell him that. just helped him pick out some Martha Stewart colors and painted and changed curtains, pillow shams, quilts, tables, cabinet colors, etc. along the way, i gave him several treasured items of mine because i wanted to do it. his excitement over the change in his house was so empowering for him and he really started coming out and getting less shy. people were complimenting him, etc. the things that i gave him, i didn't want to keep any longer. i knew he would use them and i wanted him to have the antiques and such. he has his parent's old bedroom suite and we sorta decorated around that. i had quilts, linens, etc. that complimented the room. a quail print and a fishing lure...you get the pic. country/lodge/homey/warm.

in all this time, he offered me a load of wood for my fireplace one year. i went up and we loaded it and i brought it home.

this year we decided to exchange Christmas gifts for the first time. we talked about it and teased each other about the gifts. i'm poor and i had to really scrimp to buy his. but it's what is in the heart, not the box....he came by the house on Wednesday, before Christmas, picked up his gift and i didn't hear from him until the next week. i was so hurt that i could hardly talk on the phone. i spent Christmas day alone and did not hear a word from him.

the point of my telling you what i've given him is that everything i gave him, was from my heart and i always felt that we shared so much and meant so much to each other and it made me feel really good to give him things that i had treasured for years and years.

my daughter wants me to talk to him and tell him how hurt i am about not even receiving a card, gift or a call. well, i can't. i'll cry. and that's all i'll do. she explained that some people can't give. they can receive, but they can't give. he has called me twice recently but i haven't returned the calls. i'm crushed.

i don't know what to do. it has depressed me beyond belief. he was my main link to everything that a friend could be to me. and i thought i was to him. i feel like an idiot, a loser and just plain stupid and really, really hurt. i held him to such a high standard, in my heart, and now i don't know how to handle this.

i need help. xoxoxo pat

my daughter just told me that i should explain that i told about the stuff i gave him because it gave me such joy to give him those things. i guess i wanted him to feel enough joy to give me a card or something. am i making sense? i don't want it to sound as if i wanted a GIFT just to get a GIFT. that's not it.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Pat if you haven't accepted his calls how do you know he did not treasure what you gave him..I am due to write or call 2 people who gave me gifts..I am a dummy and keep putting it off they were very thoughtful TAKE HIS CALL

it was weeks after Christmas when he called. just recently. i had been upset and knew that i'd bawl trying to talk to him.

sleeps, this is just weird. i have a strange feeling about it. i just don't know what's going on. am i making sense?

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Yes you are making sense but I would still take his call or call him..OR WRITE him a snail mail note..I am guilty of STILL not writing or calling on 2 gifts...So maybe cut him a break..IF it is something bad..its best to know it but I doubt its anything bad ..

i'm not clear. i'm HURT because i didn't hear from him, get a card or any kind of acknowledgement that he knew that it was Christmas for me, as well as it was for him. i know he liked the gift. it's not the "thank you" that i didn't get that hurt me. it was the ignoring of me that hurt me.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Sweetie you are very clear I get you..I know you are hurt but hiding in pain will not explain it to him a snail mail letter to him may help you not cry and get to what is up...like me...he may have just messed up not saying a thing on xmas and the gifts and them I DID the same thing Dale did..though I do not know why he didnt call or stop by..I dont even know why I let these 2 people in my life sit and wonder and wait..I care about them ..I just have kinda went blah and didnt do or call YET

[jmo531]

Pat,

First I want to say I understand why you are hurt and feel you are justified in those feelings. I am really sorry.

I also think that you should take his call, see what he has to say. Perhaps hearing what he has to say could ease your hurt a bit.

Pat, I also want to say that I have always admired your honesty in your posts. I like the foward, straight to the point approach. I think that perhaps you should be this way with him as well. I understand your hesitance to do so but I think getting your feelings out will benefit you greatly.

((((((((((((((((((Pat)))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry that you are hurting right now. I am here for you.

Huggles,

Jen

[LMo]

Hey Pat - just getting caught up. This explains the PM I guess Yeah - why wouldn't you be hurt? I wish I could call him myself and clue him in. This sounds less as though he doesn't appreciate you personally than it does that he might just be a flake. I'm not putting him down -- I'm kinda flaky as a friend, too. A bit lazy, I guess. I'm willing to bet that he has absolutely no idea that you are so hurt. He'd probably be floored if he knew. I'd go for what Sleeps said - drop him a note with a simple confession. Doesn't sound like he's the type to get into a lot of drama, but if he's someone you respect, then I would imagine that he wouldn't have a problem apologizing and making it right.

((( Pat )))

[Beautiful_Pain]

{{{{pat}}}} I hope you can get this worked out, friends are so great to have...keeping silent about this may change your feelings for dale, eventually. I would try to get this laid out and resolved, for you and your peace of mind.

thank you. i realized during the night that what i was asking for was a validation of the hurt that it is causing me and that it caused during the Christmas season.

he is kinda flaky and kinda lazy...i am going to write it out and work on it and see if i can say it. if i can't say it, i'll mail it. lately, everything causes me to cry and i guess i'm tired of the tears.

love, pat

there is a huge fight going on inside me. what if i do talk to him and down the line, this happens again?

[Lexicon78]

Yeah, I'd try talking to him. If you can't do that, just write him a letter and send it to him. That's all you can do from this point. At least let him know why you're so upset.

[LMo]

Pat, I can SOOOOOOOO relate to this! I have gotten myself into similar situations lately, including here at PC. Spent lots of time in therapy as a result.

The fact is, though, that it probably WILL happen again. It's dangerous thinking to put that expectation on him/your relationship. I think you're better off understanding that it doesn't have anything to do with his feelings for you or lack of appreciation on his part, but rather that it's just the way he is. By saying "what if i do talk to him and down the line, this happens again", that means that you're expecting HIM to change, when in fact, the hurt is within yourself because of the expectation.

I went through a similar issue earlier this year with my mother-in-law. I did a LOT for her in the past year and a half, and she seemingly dismissed my efforts and feelings. My T's advice was to:
- start helping organizations instead of individuals (ie, volunteer work). This is a short-term step so that I don't dig myself any deeper into the expectation hole.
- before helping other people with acts that others would consider generous (because it often doesn't feel "generous" to us, but rather just what a friend would do), I need to ask myself "what am I hoping will happen as a result of me doing this", in terms of my relationship with the other person. In my MIL's case, I think that by doing as much for her as I did, I was subconsciously hoping I would develop a mother-daughter relationship with her. When it didn't happen and she moved to Florida without a thank-you or apology (or reimbursement), I was crushed. I now realize that even though I felt like I was giving from the bottom of my heart without any desire for payback, there really WAS an expectation that she would acknowledge it and give me something back emotionally.

Do you think any of this can be applied to your situation with Dale?

IT COULD HAVE BEEN OUT OF appreciation for his friendship, because hardly anyone gets me. and he does. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. i'm a closet decorator and maybe the help doing that was as much for me as it was for him. i love making a place "change" and become what it can be.

we're very unalike, politically and religionwise. we have never, ever discussed either subject. i have too much respect for him to get into that part of our lives.

you've given me much to think about. and he is as he is. i've come to that realization in the past 24 hours. and if i loved him before this, then i'll still love him.

well, well, well. i talked to Dale. he didn't make it easy. i told him how i felt and how i specifically felt as if we celebrated his Christmas, but not mine. he replied that he called a day or two after Christmas but didn't get me. i saw one call. i told him much it hurt to spend the day alone and i had hoped that i would hear from him. his answer was "there's nothing that can be done about it now" and he changed the subject. soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

[CedarS]

Some guys certainly lack in emotional intelligence, I guess some gals do too. Knowing this doesn't help how it feels though I know.

Pat

Sorry you are hurting!