[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Sorry for over posting but ugh... I'm in a unstable mood as it is... My mind is all over the place. My boyfriend isn't answering his phone... All day today... He calls me back but he never picks up when I'm calling. Then he calls back and I'm like "Hey what are you doing?" and he says "Uh... Uh in the bathroom"... I don't think I have reason to think I can't trust him but it's not easy when I'm in the middle of a breakdown as it is... I don't want to push him away with my suspicions... I've done it before... But it's a hard day... It's been a hard couple of months and today I feel much worse... Ugh he just called me back out of breath... Says he's on the way... WHY THE HECK DIDN'T HE ANSWER HIS PHONE?!?! I'm gonna have a nervous break down and wreck everything around me. I see it coming but I can't stop it. WHY WAS HE OUT OF BREATH? I'm reading too much into it... I know I am... But I can't stop the thoughts... I always feel like I want to run away when I feel this way... I'm afraid one day I will... I'm so broken....

[Typo]

((((Purpleflyingmonkeys))))))

I'm sorry. I've had my boyfriend ignore me too. Not a nice feeling. Don't worry about overposting. Keep posting, I guess it's okay to let it out than bottle it up.

[RomanSunburn]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way! Can you try journaling it all out and then ripping it to shreds? Sometimes that helps me get some of my pent up emotions out. I can understand how you're feeling -- my mind would jump to conclusions too. I hope you are able to have a calm conversation with him and he can put your worries to rest.

Sending you lots and lots of warm thoughts and hugs!!

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Just typed a lot and it got deleted...

Bad day again. Went with his family and after he had already told me twice he would stay with me while they did their thing because I have a 3 year old who is too young, he quickly decided to leave me behind by myself. I felt like a third wheel, like you do in high school. I hate that feeling.

Then picture time comes and who is the one taking the pictures? Yup, you guessed it me. "Let me take a pic with him, let me. Can you take the pic of our group for us?"

He and I have been together 2 years. I should be in a photo every now and than. Then his mom says she wants a pic of just me and him. How quickly she forgot she wanted that pic.

I don't think his family likes me. I didn't have money growing up and you can tell that they know that. I'm not trashy, not at all. But I'm not a money hungry greedy person. I'm not always talking about the things I have, the things I could have gotten but got something better instead... Don't get me wrong... His family is very very nice. But I know they wish he was with someone else...

When he and I met 2 years ago he would go on and on about his issues with his family. How they were so different and did such a terrible job raising him. Once he and I started dating and he learned about my childhood, he admits now he sees why they were the way they were with him. He used to do hard drugs, he has been to rehab. He hated his parents. Now he's off the drugs, hasn't touched them since we met, and is over at their house with them now. He likes going over there and they have a good relationship now. I've been trying to get him to realize his parents aren't as bad as he had thought before, and he sees that now. But they still don't seem to like me.

If my daughter were in as rough a shape as he was and she met someone who helped turn him around, I would LOVE that person. When I met my boyfriend, he drank EVERY night. And I mean EVERY night and he got WASTED. And when that would happen he would get mad and hit things and go on about his hatred for his family. He doesn't drink now and he's back in school. He's got a full time job...

He's a wonderful man, but they don't seem to see it. They don't seem to see how good we are for eachother... ugh... Bad day...

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Wish I had a place to go to scream... Need to... I just keep finding reasons to get mad... I don't want to. He was supposed to come by my work again. But he hasn't. His phone is "dead". He's with his family but... UUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I really wish I could scream right now. I'm at work and every single person that approaches me... I want to rip their tongue out for talking to me. I'm in a FOUL mood. I do not like this at all. I'm always so nice... But right now I'm fuming. I don't know why... Grr....

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I'm going to ruin it... Do I want to? Not at all... Do I want to be with him? More than I can describe... But I am not brave enough. I'm not strong enough. I have a very strong urge to rip my hair out, scream and run in circles until I fall to the floor. I guess I'm manic right now... Or psychotic I can't tell. Either way it appears I'm on a path of self distruction.

His words go through me like you wouldn't believe. Every word he says that's not good about me, is so much worse than all the terrible things others have said about me. He's not abusive and mean at all either... Just when he says things like "You're always getting mad, it never stops". Ugh I can't take it... There's too much right now... Too much...

I'm drowning. Bills, medical problems, trying to buy a home, being a single mom... Now this... There is too much going on... I can't take it... I can but I want to run away. It's only a matter of time now I'm afraid... I've pushed too far and it's obvious his feelings for me wont go back to the way they were. I've tried. I've tried to change but today he proved by saying I was the exact same that the last couple weeks of me changing went unnoticed... I don't know what or who to be mad at.

I'm not doing so well today... Not at all...

[RomanSunburn]

((((Purpleflyingmonkeys))))))
Big hugs your way


I'm sorry you're feeling so out of control. Please keep posting if it helps. Try to take deep breaths, square your shoulders, feet firmly flat on the ground. Try to think calming thoughts -- you are a good person, you are strong, you are loved.

I'm sure what I"m saying is just making you angry, and I'm sorry about that, but this is all I know to do when I get upset and feel out of control.

Lots of warm, safe hugs

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by PurpleFlyingMonkeys

I'm going to ruin it... Do I want to? Not at all... Do I want to be with him? More than I can describe... But I am not brave enough. I'm not strong enough. I have a very strong urge to rip my hair out, scream and run in circles until I fall to the floor. I guess I'm manic right now... Or psychotic I can't tell. Either way it appears I'm on a path of self distruction....I'm not doing so well today... Not at all...

PFM

I wish that I could help you feel better.

Life sure can be overwhelming at times. Especially when we're under extreme stress. Have you watched any of the Marsha Linehan videos? "From Chaos to Freedom" is a group of videos that she made to get through our times of extreme distress.

Certainly worth giving it a shot! Not every tip in there works for everyone. But, you're certainly going to agree that some do help you get through these really tough times. And if that isn't enough ~ and you find the other side calling out to you loudly, please do go into the ER for help.

A reality that I'm personally struggling to accept is that you need to be number 1 in your life. Otherwise, not just you, but everyone you're involved with also suffers the consequences. You aren't alone.

Shez

If you know your pushing, then tell him you know that and can't help it. If you know your " reading too much into it" hen tell him . Has he given you a reason to not trust him? If his passed was speckled with drugs and poor choices perhaps his parents are afraid to get close to you for fear he will fall off the wagon at any moment and you'll be gone. I know my family in laws were afraid to accept me as a protection to themselves in the event I was temporary. Being I had my own issues I " took it wrong". Wishing you well.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I talked to him 2 nights ago. He and I started to argue again. About an hour into the uncomfortable feelings I apologized. I told him that I wasn't doing well and about the anxiety. He said he didn't know, and I knew he didn't know I was trying to hide it from him.Since than things have been back to normal. He is a little more understanding. I'm trying to get him to realize that I have no control over some of the things that make me like this... The anxiety, whatever disorder it is, I can't control the out of the blue frequent panic attacks. But I can calm them down and try to keep stable. I do a pretty good job at that. But I can't stop them from starting. I told him that but he seems to think if I stop stressing about things that it will stop them... I wish it were that easy because I have lowered my stress and I have been watching myself and not snapping like I used to. But hopefully he will in time understand it's not something I can just wish away.

Thanks for the replies they meant so much and helped so much!