[Emily_Strange]

Mildly pornographic, so beware under 18ers.

Is there a certain point where enjoying porn starts to become a concern?

I'm a happy porn user myself, I've never been squeamish about it...But its strictly a means to an end.
My boyfriend seems to use it just as much for entertainment as he does masturbation. This is very different from other men I've dated. Is this typical?

If you want to read the situation....:
The sports illustrated bikini edition in his bathroom, fine.
But the rotating girls touching themselves on his desktop, google photo searches for "boobs" in his spare time, the topless girl without a face on his phone, the naked stripper girls on business cards in his wallet given to him by a cousin, flipping the channel to Bunny Ranch while I go to the bathroom after sex, checking up on his parents to see if they went to bed so we can have sex, endless text messages about how he can't wait to have sex with me while I'm away on vacation with hardly an "I miss you"....
Now its starting to feel weird. Without an obvious emotional connection to accompany these things, I'm worried he's more narrow-minded than I realized.
At first I thought him swiping my panties was cute [and I enjoyed letting him keep some cause I'm a kinky girl!!], now I'm wondering if its more weird. He mentioned wanting to take me to Victoria's Secret so I could buy whatever, in addition to the gift card he gave me. Some people would find this to be a sexy gift, but it feels like he's more interested in trying to turn me into a porn star instead of forge a connection in the relationship he asked to start.
He's a young, successful strong-silent Wall street type that attended Catholic school all the way through college. He is desperately inexperienced in the bedroom. He's in his early twenties and has only had two girlfriends. Maybe three or so hook up buddies. I don't know if there's some sort of culture clash going on here, but my liberal feminist Jewish mother would think he was pathetic if she knew.
I want to say that maybe I just don't understand him. He does try to show he cares. He admits to doing wrong if he's wrong, he tries to be chivalrous otherwise. If I want to sculpt in the park, he'll join me and make a baseball while I try to become Rodin. I bought a technical analysis book because I've needed to learn, and he would love to talk about it. We try to integrate, and he knows he must take time to do things with me.
Things otherwise seem good, but somehow this porn thing comes across as narrow-minded and boyish. It worries me that his view on women is derived from porn. Add the fact that he'll yell at his mother in front of me, and that just kills my girl boner all together.

Any thoughts?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Emily_Strange

Mildly pornographic, so beware under 18ers.

Is there a certain point where enjoying porn starts to become a concern?

I'm a happy porn user myself, I've never been squeamish about it...But its strictly a means to an end.
My boyfriend seems to use it just as much for entertainment as he does masturbation. This is very different from other men I've dated. Is this typical?

If you want to read the situation....:
The sports illustrated bikini edition in his bathroom, fine.
But the rotating girls touching themselves on his desktop, google photo searches for "boobs" in his spare time, the topless girl without a face on his phone, the naked stripper girls on business cards in his wallet given to him by a cousin, flipping the channel to Bunny Ranch while I go to the bathroom after sex, checking up on his parents to see if they went to bed so we can have sex, endless text messages about how he can't wait to have sex with me while I'm away on vacation with hardly an "I miss you"....
Now its starting to feel weird. Without an obvious emotional connection to accompany these things, I'm worried he's more narrow-minded than I realized.
At first I thought him swiping my panties was cute [and I enjoyed letting him keep some cause I'm a kinky girl!!], now I'm wondering if its more weird. He mentioned wanting to take me to Victoria's Secret so I could buy whatever, in addition to the gift card he gave me. Some people would find this to be a sexy gift, but it feels like he's more interested in trying to turn me into a porn star instead of forge a connection in the relationship he asked to start.
He's a young, successful strong-silent Wall street type that attended Catholic school all the way through college. He is desperately inexperienced in the bedroom. He's in his early twenties and has only had two girlfriends. Maybe three or so hook up buddies. I don't know if there's some sort of culture clash going on here, but my liberal feminist Jewish mother would think he was pathetic if she knew.
I want to say that maybe I just don't understand him. He does try to show he cares. He admits to doing wrong if he's wrong, he tries to be chivalrous otherwise. If I want to sculpt in the park, he'll join me and make a baseball while I try to become Rodin. I bought a technical analysis book because I've needed to learn, and he would love to talk about it. We try to integrate, and he knows he must take time to do things with me.
Things otherwise seem good, but somehow this porn thing comes across as narrow-minded and boyish. It worries me that his view on women is derived from porn. Add the fact that he'll yell at his mother in front of me, and that just kills my girl boner all together.

Any thoughts?

This is far from unusual. Some women find it a problem, some not. It's up you, really.

I have a substantial porn collection but my wife doesn't mind.

[unaluna]

He seems a little one-dimensional, and you are interested in a lot more things - just doesn't seem like a good match. I would be more concerned about that, and the yelling at his mom. Maybe it's just that he's young and hasn't developed many interests yet, so you could train him up the way you want him, but does that ever really work? I would tread carefully out of this one.

[LoveHopeStrength14]

"When people show you who they are, believe them the first time"

Follow your instincts

Both Hankster and LoveHopeStrength14 are correct. At a point in the not-too-distant future, it will bother you that your bf thinks Rodin is a French pornstar. Yelling at any parent, esp. in front of you, is the height of bad manners; you don't need a Jewish mother to tell you that. Everything you detail points to an ever-widening divergence of interests which will ultimately result in a break-up-even if by then you have trained him to be the world's greatest lover.

The porno stuff is all within the societal norm. I think, at least in my orbit, that most men are panty snatchers; they are just a momento and need not always be be seen as a "trophy." I will never understand though, why women would put up with all that other garbage you describe. Again-and I surely am no snob- this behavior too is the height of ill manners.

[Emily_Strange]

Originally Posted by gulas

Both Hankster and LoveHopeStrength14 are correct. At a point in the not-too-distant future, it will bother you that your bf thinks Rodin is a French pornstar. Yelling at any parent, esp. in front of you, is the height of bad manners; you don't need a Jewish mother to tell you that. Everything you detail points to an ever-widening divergence of interests which will ultimately result in a break-up-even if by then you have trained him to be the world's greatest lover.

The porno stuff is all within the societal norm. I think, at least in my orbit, that most men are panty snatchers; they are just a momento and need not always be be seen as a "trophy." I will never understand though, why women would put up with all that other garbage you describe. Again-and I surely am no snob- this behavior too is the height of ill manners.

I feel better now that everyone is assuring me the hyper porn interest is normal!!!

Hopefully, he'll grow out of the other things. I think he has great potential, but you know. He's younger, I'm a bit older...

Honest truth is that I'm just dealing with some anxiety. Despite his one-dimensionalness, its the most healthy relationship I've had in awhile. If I don't figure out what I need to watch out for, I could end up blindsided here. Trust doesn't come easy.

[unaluna]

BTW, the Byz said the correct term is two-dimensional, I didn't want my error to propagate. I should have known better, I was a math major! My excuse was, he likes to get to the POINT, and a point is one-dimensional... ha ha math humor, not a huge seller!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by hankster

He seems a little one-dimensional, and you are interested in a lot more things - just doesn't seem like a good match. I would be more concerned about that, and the yelling at his mom. Maybe it's just that he's young and hasn't developed many interests yet, so you could train him up the way you want him, but does that ever really work? I would tread carefully out of this one.

You always advise caution in romantic relationships, Hankster!

My wife and I took about a week to fall in love. (We were in our early twenties.) We both had issues and the relationship was driven by desperation and codependency and lust. Friends were horrified. But we grew together and we're still together.

I asked my wife once what she had seen in me. "You were smart and handsome and funny and had a good heart." She did NOT think I was reliable and responsible - but I am now!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by gulas

Both Hankster and LoveHopeStrength14 are correct. At a point in the not-too-distant future, it will bother you that your bf thinks Rodin is a French pornstar. Yelling at any parent, esp. in front of you, is the height of bad manners; you don't need a Jewish mother to tell you that. Everything you detail points to an ever-widening divergence of interests which will ultimately result in a break-up-even if by then you have trained him to be the world's greatest lover.

I feel like you just threw me on the scrapheap.

I like porn. I shouted at my mother. I am a good husband.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by hankster

BTW, the Byz said the correct term is two-dimensional, I didn't want my error to propagate. I should have known better, I was a math major! My excuse was, he likes to get to the POINT, and a point is one-dimensional... ha ha math humor, not a huge seller!

Oops! A point is ZERO dimensional. A line is one dimensional. A plane is two dimensional.

[unaluna]

My brain is on point!

We just have different ideas about what is proper, what is not...

I like porn too, who doesn't? But it doesn't mean I keep any on hand if there's a real live beautiful female in my life. That's disrespect in my book. I wouldn't like it if she had a male porn collection; in fact, I would be furious. Personally, I think sex and romance have been hurt by the way porn saturates all levels of society, but that's another topic.

I'm not proud of it but I shouted at my father quite often though never in front of any gf. Can't say I have yelled at my mother. I probably am over-critiquing, easy to do here. But at the same time, I don't think I am holding anyone to ridiculous standards.

But different strokes for different folks...Glad your marriage has lasted, may you have many more years together.

[unaluna]

If I yelled at my mother, let alone in front of someone else, there would be a horse head in my bed the next morning.

[Emily_Strange]

Originally Posted by hankster

If I yelled at my mother, let alone in front of someone else, there would be a horse head in my bed the next morning.

"Oops! A point is ZERO dimensional. A line is one dimensional. A plane is two dimensional."-Cantexplain

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahaha

This entire thread is my life in a nutshell.

Horse heads, planes, and porn.

[Emily_Strange]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I asked my wife once what she had seen in me. "You were smart and handsome and funny and had a good heart." She did NOT think I was reliable and responsible - but I am now!

I was thinking in the car today about things like this. Many of my relationships would have elicited a response like your wife's from me, and its not really a bad thing in the broad sense. It just kinda ended up being a bad thing for me. I decided that there is a difference between a deep connection and love. I would say in my personal experience, deep connections tended to not last as I was simply concerned about that connection I valued above everything...And not the practicals [such as timing/relationship readiness, life goals, and "EQ"]. I eventually stopped being attracted to men who I would have developed close bonds in my younger years because it seemed do more harm than good when I kept getting hurt by men who I deeply connected with but who ultimately weren't ready for a girlfriend when they thought they were. I needed the men to have valid life goals, values, things of that sort in order to then see how deep the connection could go. Otherwise I'd have a deep connection with no foundation. I'd rather there be a foundation first and then build.

Not criticizing at all, just verbal vomiting really.

[CantExplain]

Take a look at my "Pornography and me" thread in the "Sex and Gender Issues" forum.

[standal0ne]

Porn is actually more addictive to most people than cocaine. I read a marriage book with an entire chapter on porn and what it can do to people and a relationship. People think they can handle it, but it sneaks into their lives and starts to replace their partner in some ways. NO ONE can be better at sex than the people in your head you are fantasizing about or people on the TV screen. If you continue to use it, you may find one day it is all you really want. Better be careful. Remember that sex is great, but ost of the time you are dealing with real people in the real world. Sex takes up considerably less time in a normal person's life. There are more important things, ya know. I'm not religious - just realized for myself what it was doing to my relationship and decided to stop.

[Emily_Strange]

I think what bugs me about it is how many people, like my boyfriend, don't realize that women don't really look like the girls in porn or in the magazines...Or even in the strip club!! They have make up, creams, photoshop, lighting, camera or dancing angles, and endless rounds of photos taken just to get a handful of good ones. Just cause it looks effortless and natural doesn't mean it is.
I think that's one good reason why it makes women insecure and men crazed. We are aware of what is expected from us in the media in general...Porn just says it more plainly. Its reaching for perfection, and that's a lot of pressure. I'm not an image on tv. I'm just a regular person....and in general, people are pretty boring. Even in the bedroom sometimes.

I'm not always feeling sexy when you feel sexy, but the girls in porn are. You can't expect the same in real life. If I don't want chinese food, don't take me to chinese! Compromise. Cause that's real life. But if you have a girl who is willing to spoil you and give you whatever you want whenever you want, well...That's what the man will learn to expect and ask for. Men must be taught how to behave properly when it comes to sex in general... and if you don't teach men how to behave around women, porn has the ability to create men who think "Girls in porn are always there to get me off whenever I want, why won't this girl get me off right now? Isn't this how girls are?"

Someone needs to be teaching men how to decipher the world in general before the media tells them how to.

[lad007]

My friend owns a porn store, and he said he thinks as part of a relationship porn is an excellent way to enhance a sex life if that's what both parties want. I think it depends on your comfort level also, I don't want my husband to look at it when it is not part of a pre sex type of thing. So if he was looking at things on his computer I would not be comfortable with that, and would let him know it is not acceptable to me.

[Open Eyes]

Did you ever watch that movie When Harry met Sally? There is a part when they are out at a restaurant and she fakes an orgasm, pretty convincing, that is what they do in porn, its just fake.
Open Eyes

[Yoda]

Like WWF wrestling?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Yoda

Like WWF wrestling?

That's GAY porn.

[Perna]

It sounds like a young guy fresh out of the Catholic school box? Without much overall experience, I don't think he's mature enough to "get it" about relationships yet? I'd talk to him, tell him what you'd like and how he should look around and talk to other guys about their relationships and whether they do (or want to do) this sort of thing around/when they have a steady guy; maybe if you have an older guy in your life that you trust who could talk to him?

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Did you ever watch that movie When Harry met Sally? There is a part when they are out at a restaurant and she fakes an orgasm, pretty convincing, that is what they do in porn, its just fake.
Open Eyes

I agree. Mostly everything is fake in porn. I heard women get abused, women takes drugs and some women get aids and some men and women commit suicide or overdose because porn has been effecting them. Porn is disgusting. I know about this because on facebook, A woman who is a Ex- pornstar is telling people how bad porn is.

I'm not lying. You can find more information here: http://www.thepinkcross.org/page/help-porn-addiction

[Emily_Strange]

Originally Posted by happycheeks

I'm not lying. You can find more information here: http://www.thepinkcross.org/page/help-porn-addiction

See this is the **** I'm talking about. Its too bad the industry isn't more regulated.

The fact that most people are uneducated about how unglamorous it is, it just looks more shallow to venerate it.