I read his text messages....now what?

Hi there,
I'm new to the site and am feeling quite down on myself for many reasons. Mainly because I spied on my BF and I feel I've broken his trust. I am recently divorced and so he is. We both have kids and in the last 4mths that we have been dating, try to spend as much time as we can together. Lately however, I've noticed that he's become more distant and when I asked him about it he told me that he was in a 'just feeling low' but that everything was ok.
He doesn't know that I checked his phone nor the reason why I'm upset. I am trying not to show my emotion about this but I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and let things eat at me from the inside out.
So the other day, he stepped into the shower and his phone was on the coffee table. I took a quick peak at his text messages just to see if there was an explanation for why he's become so low. I honestly don't know why or how anything I found in there could help me help him, but by the time I realized I was snooping, it was too late.
I found texts between him and his close friend and everything seemed fine until his friend asked about me. My bf's response was less than flattering to say the least and he actually said that he might go back online to the dating site where we met and see what else was out there. Now, I have changed up the actual script abit as I don't want to put rude or vulgar things in here but to say I was shocked and hurt would be an understatement.
I wasn't able to read the rest of the text mainly due to my complete shock and heartbreak. My eyes immediately filled up with tears and I just focussed on getting the phone back where I found it before he came back in the room.
Needless to say I was crushed. I tried to pretend I was fine and when he asked me to stay over that night, I hanked him for the offer but tried to leave. I usually stay, so for me to pick up and leave is very out of character. He seemed lost by my response and I decided to stay to keep things as normal as possible.
His touch and kiss immediately felt different to me and my heart hasn't stopped pounding since.
The following morning, he seemed like his normal self and I tried to as well. But...I am lost and don't know what to do. If I contront him then I'm proving to him that I didn't trust him and that will send him off the deep end. If I keep this in, it will eat away at me and I don't want to slip into a depression because of this.
Before this happened, I could feel myself falling in love with him and I can honestly say that my feelings havent changed I am just really hurt and really scared that what I thought we had was maybe just smoke and mirrors.
We have plans to go away this weekened together and now I don't know what to do. I thought that we should still go and this will be the test of whether there is any strength to our relationship and if not, this will be the final straw. I have no intentions on mopin around and having him 'pick up my pieces' considering he doesn't know why I'm hurting in the first place.
I have tried to tell myself that I have to give him the benefit of the doubt as I didn't have a chance to read the entire text and maybe (just maybe) they were joking around (which he does often) and what I saw was just a poor attempt at guy to guy humour.
Either way, I'm torn. I have not mentioned this to any of my friends as I am mortified at what I've done, let alone what I've found. I know my friends would back me up and support me but then they will automatically hate him for this and I don't want to cause anymore drama than I already have.
I welcome any suggestions, comments or questions regarding this post. Please be honest and don't worry...I know I goofed and I deserve my lumps for this one.
Take care.

I snooped in my husband's phone and found porn, don't feel bad. I agree its not the right thing to do, but what is done is done. I'd just ask him where he thinks the relationship is headed? Maybe he'll reveal how he really feels?

Thank you kindly for your reply. I guess it is human nature to worry about self-doubt. I am taking one day at a time and not trying to focus too much on this episode. Only time will tell if we are meant to be.

ya know... someone once said to me, "If it's a joke, it's a thought." So even if he was joking... he was thinkin' it.

What you did was a violation of your bf's privacy no doubt there, but apparently he's also not capable of being forthright and upfront about how he feels with you... so in effect you're both sorta lying to each other. Doesn't sound like much of a relationship to me. Smile and move on to someone you can talk with. Life's short - we all seem to be professional time wasters - this is coming from the president of time wasters are us. Why waste more time - two divorces instead of one?????? hhhhmmm?

Well maybe since you are going thru a divorce you should focus on your children instead of this guy who obviously is not in love with you. If he was he would not text a friend that he wanted to look elsewhere. Why do you even want to be in a relationship so soon if you are going through divorce. You should take time to be alone first.

Its strange because all of the other pieces are there, but maybe I'm just fooling myself into wanting something that clearly isnt. Guess there is no sense in sitting around and waiting to be dumped.

Please don't get me wrong, I do focus on my kids. They are the most important thing to me, but I think I've fallen in love with the idea of being loved. I fear that I am so used to being in a relationship, that I should be in one. I'm not trying to convince anyone that what I have done was right, it just kinda happened. Maybe there's a side of me that is afraid to be alone because in all reality, I have never been.

Well I just don't understand why you would want to pursue a relationship with someone who told his friend he was going to look elsewhere, this is not good for your self esteem or mental health. If he was into you he would say so I would think.

I guess my take on it (and obviously my thoughts are as clear as mud right now) is that our relationship was great before I read the text and since he doesn't know I peaked at his phone, why should I rock the boat at this stage? It plays in my head everyday and I want to confront him about it, but if I do I think I'm afraid of the result. If it was just guy/guy meaningless banter then he's lost my trust for snooping and well if it's the truth, then I've clearly lost him. Maybe I'm just fooling myself and not ready to face facts yet.

...the mere fact that you are "afraid" of the result is a STRONG indicator that you are aware that your relationship was not great. You are confusing - you said early that you felt him pulling away/being distant. It sounds like you're talking yourself into forgetting the whole truth of the matter and just playing it cool, going with the flow, even if it means pretending... Not worth it.

I'm a guy and I can honestly tell you that I would not make less than flattering remarks about my girlfriend to another guy friend unless I meant them. That's not guy talk, meaningless banter, or anything else that I know of. Unless I didn't get my most recent guy club newsletter and I'm behind on a few things...

To me, that's "guy code" for "I'm going to ride this thing out until something better comes along". I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but there it is.

Do you really want to be with someone who treats you one way to your face, and talks about you another way to his friends? I would feel embarrased and humiliated if my wife or girlfriend did that to me with her sisters or girlfriends.

Personally, I think that an important part of divorce is that time you spend alone, being single and getting to know yourself again afterwards. Who are you? What do you really want in a partner? In a relationship? The worst thing you can do is jump into a new relationship out of fear of being alone.

Yeah it's scary. But that feeling of independence you gain from being alone and doing it all on your own is amazing, once you overcome the fear. And yeah, I've been divorced (twice actually, lol) so I'm not just blowing smoke up your rear. I've been there, and I've been scared to death to be by myself. But I got through it. You can too.

Please, just don't settle for less than you deserve.

I think you either have to confess and try to work through the situation or decide to leave the relationship and do so.

You do not know the context of what you read, it was not addressed to "you" and, though it appears to be about you, you do not know if your bf was using referencing you as an easy out for something else or if he truly feels/believes what he wrote and/or where he stands with leaving the relationship himself.

You either have to confess your reading something not addressed to you and further curiosity about the context; let your thoughts eat you up; decide to go with your thoughts and leave the relationship.