bang. head. on. wall.

I'm so hurt and angry I could blow a gasket.

I'm not sure if this belongs in Relationships, but I've felt like a caregiver in this situation.

I think I mentioned that I belong to another support group for people who have a depressed/bipolar person in their lives. It's not as easy as many of you may think it is, and having a support group of people who understood the frustration and the stigmas first-hand has been really helpful for me.

However, in this group are some people who are in just plain bad relationships. Maybe their partners are depressed -- some have been diagnosed, but in other cases, the non-"depressed" person tries to find something, anything to blame the bad behavior on.

I developed one close friendship there, with a woman whose boyfriend was VERY emotionally abusive, abused prescription drugs, and did several other bad, bad things in front of my friend and her 8 year old daughter. Things that an 8 year old never should be exposed to. I spent hours, days, weeks of my life with this friend trying to soothe her after the typical eruption that would happen several times per week. Among other tangible and sometimes expensive things that I did to try to support her, I drove 6 hours each way one weekend in September and cleaned her entire house to try to help her feel less overwhelmed during a time when she felt like the walls were caving in on her because of her relationship. He had broken up with her for the millionth time, said all kinds of rude and insulting things to her, and threatened to call the police on her if she contacted him again. She was a complete mess and was crying nonstop for a week.

Shortly after that weekend, I stopped seeing her online and she only briefly replied to my emails, usually days after I sent them. I assumed that she was busy -- I missed her, but I didn't think too much of it. I was just glad that she wasn't crying all of the time anymore.

I emailed her the other day and said that I hoped she was doing well, and she replied, nervously, that she had married the guy but was afraid to tell me.

I don't care that she married him. Truly, I don't -- she said that he's feeling and been treating her better and if that's true, then I'm happy for her. But, I feel VERY used and thrown away, like there isn't much of a need to be my friend anymore now that things are going well for her.

It hurts, a lot.

stinks to hurt from such a thing. sorry to hear LMo.

support for spouses/partners of depressed/bipol ppl is essential in our book and we commend you for seeking that support and glad you've found help from participation there.

our line of questioning begins with what did you derive from this relationship? how was this friendship beneficial to you?

she needed you....based on what you've written....and was very, very fortunate to have someone like you who gave so much tangibly and emotionally...........but...did you need her? did she fufill a role in your life that kept you busy/feeling needed?

these aren't asked to be unkind but rather to ponder what kind of friendship was this when it seems like you gave and gave (of your own choice) and received little in return. if there is more that isn't written here then our apologies for assumption.....

if not then perhaps looking into your friendships online and IRL and how much you RECEIVE from those friendships.......if the balance is way off then maybe reassessing things is in order. it is rare for things to be fifty fifty but when the see-saw is constantly on one end something ain't right.

again, very sorry for that painful feeling of feeling used. we hope you keep your huge heart and perhaps recheck some boundaries if needed.

offered kindly,

I'm sorry and I understand what you are feeling. Being used and forgotten about, is hard to swollow after you have giving so much of yourself and it does hurt very badly. Whether you want or not, in these kind of relationship, you get attached to the other person.

Poeple sometime forget what another person has done to help them out when they feel better. It is really sad but it does happen a lot. If they could only know that a simple thank you, coming from the heart, would do the trick.

(((((((((((((LMo))))))))))))))

Sorry, LMo! I´ve been used too, and it hurts soooooo bad! Remember that you are the one that cared and you are the one that did the right thing. You were a REAL friend! Not much of a comfort...
You hang in there and think about those who really loves you, in good or bad.

(((((((((((LMo))))))))))))

Thanks _zh, time0 and Ninni. I appreciate your listening to me. I feel ok today - I understand why she was avoiding me because truth be told I would have tried to talk her out of it.

_zh, those are the right questions to ask and I thank you for being straight enough with me to ask them. She was a good friend to me for a number of reason - I wasn't taking on a 'charity' case or anything like that -- I truly enjoyed her company and she was helpful to me when I was going through hard times as well. I do know (in the light of day) that she wasn't so much using me as she was scared that I would be disappointed in her, although it's hard to imagine myself as someone who is so rigid that one would actually be nervous about my opinion.

Anyway, I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. I told her that I was hurt, she apologized and asked for a fresh start, and I am thinking about what I want to do now. I just don't know. I have to think more...

Thanks again

I do not come in here but saw this... but pop it up to relationships and I bet more will reply..she was scared...it sounds like her nature to be in that kinda role..the victim...Give her another shot..she didnt use you.....she wants a fresh start ....give it to her for both your sakes

Thanks Sleeps - I am not sure what I want to do. I'm not irreparably upset with her or anything like that, but I'm rethinking how much excess drama I feel like dealing with in my life.

But this does bring me back to something I'm working on in therapy - doing things for other people. As _zh hinted, it's something that comes up pretty regularly with me. My T's goal for me is to focus more on helping organizations/nonprofits and less on individual people. I agree with the theory but it's not like I want to cut friends loose when they're having tough times, and face it -- most of my friends in the other support forum are having tough times or else they wouldn't be there.

Thinking... no longer upset, but I'm spending time considering the lessons I can learn from this experience.

((((((((((((((((((((LMo)))))))))))))))))))))))))

That's tough! I wish her and her child well.

I'm glad that t's working with you on this. You have so much to offer...intelligence, compassion, understanding, time, resources, etc. It's easy for one in this position to fall into a "rescuer" role with people in life. I was so there and my world crashed completely when the worlds of those I tried to help fell.

Having said that, I think that you have A REALLY HEALTHY response to what happened. I really do. Had that been me a few years ago, I would've been crushed and felt responsible.

You carry a very good balance and emotional outlook on many things in your life, lady.

It took me my entire life and many years of therapy to be where you're at with this. It's nice to see.

KD

KD, that is one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me. It means even more because you know me well. Thank you so much. (( KD ))

I moved this thread to Relationships, because now that's what this is all about.

I haven't replied to my friend's last email to me from Friday, where she apologized and asked for a fresh start. I've been thinking about this a lot, and am becoming increasingly annoyed at the whole thing.

The vast majority of her 'crises' were about her boyfriend announcing that he doesn't want to talk to her anymore, and that it's over. It would send her into a full-blown panic attack and she would be hysterical - trying nonstop to call him, driving 3 hours to his house, obsessively searching for him online so she could beg him to reconsider and to apologize for... things she had no reason to apologize about.

Now with me, she simply sent a short request asking for a fresh start, and that's it. She hasn't tried to contact me since then. I didn't notice it until yesterday, how ironic it was that my advice to her has always been to "respect his decision", and now that she's following my advice and applying it to ME, I'm feeling as though she's not really all that upset about our potential "breakup" as friends. However, if she were any other friend, I suppose I wouldn't jump to that conclusion -- I guess it's just out of character for her to not display major separation anxiety.

One of my RL friends said that it sounded to her that my friend is probably embarrassed and ashamed for going against better judgement. I don't know, but that's a more comforting explanation than any I had come up with on my own.

My options are:
A) put it all in the past and email/call her saying I'd like to start fresh
B) let the whole thing die by not replying to her
C) email/call her to discuss "feelings" (this is not my forte and therefore is my least favorite option)

Anyone care to cast a vote?

Just re-reading this. How close could we possible have REALLY been if she got married without telling me? Maybe we weren't so close after all. I mean, do close friends do that? Maybe I misunderstood our friendship.

And am I that scary? Why would she be afraid to tell me something like that? What's the worst I would have done -- tried to talk her out of it? Decided I didn't want to be her friend any longer? Apparently, she's not too concerned about that last consideration, so what's up with not telling me?

Well, um, hmmm.

If you're not a grudge holder and/or want the friendship to continue, go with A.
If you are a grudge holder, or just want to let the friendship go, go with B.
Since you aren't a touchy feely emotional person, just scratch C off the list.

Thanks Wi_Fi

You know, it's not so much a matter of holding a grudge or not (I don't think -- please let me know if I'm in denial about that aspect). It's more that... I guess I forsee much more drama in the future, despite that she says he has changed. I just don't think that people can change so radically in three short months. Here is my chance to avoid getting any more hysterical phone calls from someone who purposefully and mindfully dug her own hole. I miss her a lot, but I haven't really talked to her since September or October at any length, so it's not like our "breakup" is fresh. I've had time to adjust. On the other hand, she has one of my closest friends for the past two years, or so I thought. But what do I need from my friendships? Jokes? She's good for that, but I don't need a close friend for witty banter. Advice? I have a policy about not taking advice from people who are deeper in the hole than I am. Shopping? She lives a couple of hours away from here, and I really can't see myself feeling comfortable hanging out with her and the dude now that all of this has transpired.

Well if you don't take advice from people more in the hole than you, whaddayalookinatmefor?

because you're my HERO!

I have followed this thread from my cave. What a sucky situation. I would go with B.... if she "cares" she will contact you again (from one who suffers from major separation anxiety myself ...)

Sucks feeling that you were close to someone and discovering that they appeared to feel otherwise.... maybe it isn't uncommon for someone who is "deeper in the hole" than you..... they maybe felt "close" when they were more depressed and now no longer need you. Kind of familiar to me also. Good luck with this

I would be angry too I think I know you well enough to know you are not a grudge holder so that isn't as much an issue for you as it would be for some (I hope my "friend judgement" isn't off here..... again ..)

a growly,
Fuzzy

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they maybe felt "close" when they were more depressed and now no longer need you

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Thanks, Fuzzy, this is EXACTLY what I have been wondering. But why should I worry about that? I mean, why wouldn't someone want to be my friend during the good times, too? I think I have a lot to offer as a friend -- I'd want to be my friend if I weren't me... well, you know what I mean. I could look at it from a "well, it's her loss" perspective. I guess I just wish I understood it better, but if I hold onto what my other IRL friend suggested, that my friend is too embarrassed and ashamed to talk to me, then I feel a bit better. I just don't want to be in denial if I contributed to the separation.

Ick.

Thanks, ((( Fuzzy )))