I am having trouble matching my actions with my feelings in my marriage

Please help me and my wife!

Here is the brief version... My marriage of 3.5 years basically failed because my wife never developed emotional or physical intimacy with me. A lot of damage was done throughout those years. After refusing to go to counseling, I left her. She then went to counseling to try to salvage our marriage, and got me to go. There she was diagnosed as having PTSD (which I originally thought was BPD but never mentioned to her).

Long story short, when I decided to leave, I took a job out of state to get away, but we have tried to make the marriage work again (and I leave for my new job soon). She has improved tremendously and the counselor is impressed with her. I believe the change is real and our life has improved considerably together.

The problem is now I am having trouble with my actions towards her. I want to stay with her and feel the emotions of love, care, and desire towards her. However, besides physical gestures (hugs, kisses, etc.) and words (telling her I love her), I am having trouble showing her these things. She feels like I am embarrassed / ashamed of her and I can't think of anything to show her this is not the case. I can't think of much to do to make her feel wanted.

But it is beyond that. We go to counseling and we have conversations outside of counseling about the status of our relationship for hours on end. I have trouble paying attention during these talks. She has expressed all of her issues with me and has given me questions I need to answer, but I have trouble remembering them. I can sit for hours and try to think about how I can help our issues or answer her questions and come up with little. I have even had trouble identifying my emotions on various topics - I don't even know how I feel. I have done some things (or not done other things) which she feels push us apart, and I don't mean to do these things. Anytime she asks me about why I can't do actions which help show her love / care / support, etc, my answer is "I don't know," which is the truthful answer - I honesty don't know why I have trouble matching my actions and words.

I can't remember conversations we have, think clearly, or do the appropriate things to help out situation, yet in almost every other area in my life, I do just fine. I have no trouble focusing on work, conversations with others, etc - only our relationship. And as a result, it is driving us apart.

Please help - why am I stuck and how can I overcome this???

Hello, well, I think I have some things for you to help. I actually feel that my husband is deeply embarrassed by me and completely ashamed to have me as his wife. This is very strong in me and I am very heartbroken. But I don't feel I can talk to him because he blows off my feelings as being "crazy, jealous, etc." But I can tell you exactly why I feel the way I do. I will make a list so it doesn't get long.

1) He doesn't want me to be part of his social circle. He doesn't introduce me to friends, doesn't like when I'm around his friends, and often will snap at me to "be quiet" if I say certain things or use certain emotes (so that they can't hear.)

2) Along that same thread if he's talking (his friends are online) through a mic he will turn the mic off if I enter the room so no one will hear me talking. Also he will close his door to shut me out so no one can hear the embarrassing noises of his family.

3) He doesn't want me posting any pictures of myself where his friends might see them. He says it is to protect himself because his "haters" will use my picture to make fun of him. He insists this is not because I'm "ugly" (although I feel tremendously ugly everyday and this makes it worse,) but because people might Photoshop me somehow. I just feel it is an excuse because he's embarrassed that I'm not as pretty as the females he is friends with.

4) He no longer holds my hand in public. I had a lot of touch issues as a kid. Such as, I wasn't hugged much. And my ex, well, I didn't want to hug him. So when I met my husband he said he would always hug me and hold my hand so people would know we're together. That's all gone now. Instead he just walks as fast and far ahead as possible and gets mad if I can't keep up.

5) He never tells me I look nice. Never. But he won't hesitate to point out when I look terrible. The only time he compliments me is during sex.... telling me I'm sexy, well, I don't feel that way.

6) He never talks of my accomplishments. He never says "He, she did this and it was great." Or "Hey, she really helped me out a lot with this." Often he takes things that I have done and then when he talks about them he says "I did this." I never get any credit for what I do to the people he knows.

7) He doesn't care about what I'm doing. I'm working on my novel again and he doesn't say anything encouraging. He thinks me trying to write is not a smart idea and would never say he is proud of me for at least trying instead of just giving up.

8) When I talk to him he often acts annoyed. He doesn't act happy when I come home from work, just like the annoying person is back and now he has to deal with me, because I will want to talk to him and take focus away from his friends.

So you know, he hugs and kisses and cuddles with me where no one can see. He tells me he loves me everyday. And he says thank you to my face if I get him something or do something. But then he never passes that along to other people that I do all this for him. Or cuddle or hug or kiss me where people see he loves me. I feel like the invisible woman.

And that is why I feel he is embarrassed and ashamed of me.

Dear_Heart_X - wow, it sounds like you have a terrible situation to deal with, I really feel for you. I am sure you deserve much better.

Please, any help from anybody out there?

From reading your post, this is the picture that came to mind.
Have you ever had an old car you loved desperately, but it kept breaking down? You've replaced the alternator, the tie rods, the steering rack, the fuel pump, even the transmission. Then, one day, the engine goes. The car has been around x amount of years and has kind of outlived it's life, and you just can't bring yourself to put that kind of effort and $$ in to fixing it, so you go out and buy a new one, even though it's sad to see the old one go.
Maybe a poor analogy, but that's kind of what I thought of when I read what you wrote. Is that right?

Has she told you specifically what it is she would like you to do? I actually have a similar problem with my fiance. The way I feel love and the way he shows his love don't really add up all the time, plus he needs to be told exactly what I want him to do in certain situations simply because the things he would want in that situation are different than what I want. Plus, for whatever the reason, he struggles a little with empathy/hypothetical situations. Maybe the next time you have one of these conversations and she says "show me love!" say to her "What can I do that would show you that I love you?" Tell her to be specific. I tell my fiance that petting my head, tight hugs, and singing are way of showing me love (We've even started listing random things in bed at night because his voice helps calm me and listing things is easier for him than having a conversation). She might get a little offended that you don't simply know what to do (Trust me, it took me some time to emotionally understand that my fiance couldn't read my mind. If I'm already upset, I still struggle). Just try to gently remind her you are human, you can't read her mind, and you do want to make her happy and loved, but don't know specifically what that looks like to her.

In regards to the problems you're having with the conversations... I kind of wonder if you're getting a little burned out on those? Is anything new being said? Or are you guys simply rehashing the same things over and over? Perhaps trying to limit those conversations and get back into talking about normal day to day things ("I sat with Joe at work today; his wife's having a baby" type conversations. I've read somewhere that couples that discuss the minute details of their day are happier than those who just answer the how's work question with "fine" without further discussion). Also, maybe the time of day you're having those conversations is affecting your ability to concentrate. If I try to have a serious conversation at night with my fiance, I'll end up repeating myself a million times, getting crazy frustrated, and not actually solving or make any sort of progress on any of it. If we want to talk about something important, the earlier in the day we do it the better (but I'm not a morning person, so there's a little bit of a balancing act going on...).

I hope some of this helps! I'm sorry you're having trouble right now! You could always try talking to your counselor about this. Good luck!!

All that came to my mind was something similar to what Havest brought up. Knowing she has this PTSD diagnosis, do you somehow view your wife as damaged now, you dont know what to do with her? Dont know how to treat her? Fear that you may do something wrong that may trigger her, damage her more? That she is somehow too fragile to deal with, that you have to tread too lightly, walk on egg shells so rather than make a mis-step, you take no step at all? Is it all too much to cope with and that is why you cannot process or retain any of the information you discuss?

It sounds to me that individual therapy is what you may need to sort thru what you have written here. There is a definate block keeping you from being able to engage with your wife. It sounds like you really love her and want to make this work and I think a therapist is best qualified to help you sort out these feelings you are describing.

I would maybe find a therapist of your own for awhile to help you with all of this. I was struck with the feeling that you all are overdoing it, all the hours of talking, you are too hyperfocused; it reminded me of your wife's illness and sort of how she might be feeling.

I know when I was in therapy my therapist would often point out how the way I was interacting with her, and how she felt, matched my symptoms; if I was feeling overwhelmed, for example, I would overwhelm her (with words) or if I was confused, I would emit confusion/not be clear so she could understand. It could be that you are just being sensitive to your wife and trying too hard to understand where you have not had any practice or experience.

If you did not have the time, energy, inclination to seek out your own therapist, I would maybe buy a little notebook or sit with your wife with a pad of paper and write down questions and comments? Perhaps that will help both of you focus on the same issues? She can name some ways she would like you to support her and together you can think of the details.

I would not worry too much about explaining your feelings and actions to another. That can be a can of worms and the more the other pushes with "why?" it can start to sound like an inquisition and then you will naturally resist. You do not have to defend yourself to another and they do not have to defend themselves to you.

Think of your original set-up of the whole situation. Your wife was behaving in ways you did not wish to live with; you did not try to change her or argue with her, you suggested, "let's go to therapy" and she said, "No". You then followed through with the consequence of getting a job elsewhere and moving. All of that was straightforward and very good (in my opinion). We cannot change another person but we do not have to want to live with them if they are not healthy for our own selves! You did the best you could with options; let us both go to therapy or I have to leave and then followed through.

Therapy is the same way; you are in therapy because you want help for your wife and you want to be able to live with her. Whether she can live with you, is not an issue here! I think you have forgotten yourself in this round of transactions. You do not have to behave in certain ways for her; you have to behave to suit yourself! If she gives concrete ways in which she feels you are not supporting her, you get to decide if you wish to change your behavior! Having decided that for yourself, you then will have no trouble changing/not changing in those ways! But vague, "you don't want me" statements are her problem; you cannot make another person feel wanted! That is wholly their self-esteem issue.

I am probably going to catch heck for those last two statements but what I am saying is that it is not as if you are directly saying, "I do not want you"; if you or I said that to one another, we would know to move on; if we loved the other, it would be sad, etc. But that is not what is happening, I do not think.

Your wife's/illness is using the situation to try and control you. No matter what, she is in control of what she does with her feelings, how she checks them out to see how correct they are. If she loves/trusts you and you say, "I love you and want to be with you" then where's the problem? If, however, she does not trust you for whatever reason, that is still her responsibility to act in her own best interest.

She cannot change you, cannot decide for you whether or not you love and want to be with her. If she does not trust your words and actions, that is her problem which you cannot solve for her! No number of times saying, "I want you" or any action can make her trust and believe you and saying/doing those actions to reassure when it clearly does not, is letting the other person call the shots/your behavior. You become a puppet saying "I want you" and may start resenting it and eventually may not want anymore because of your resentment.

And some of that is what I am afraid is starting to happen for you. All this talk about the relationship and what she needs is leaving you out and what you want and need. We all are working to run our own, individual lives; some of this appears to be trying to move her forward through your work (listening endlessly, discussing her topics, and you did not sign up for that).

Yes you have a marriage and a marriage requires a lot of give and take but each person has to find their own balance not dependent on the other person's. If my husband is taking, I get to decide when/what/how much giving is appropriate for me, not my husband! When I am taking, my husband can decide to give or not, based on his own criteria, not mine.

I think a lot of marriages get in trouble when we assume too much about our partner. There are no "rules" in marriage; because a wife cooks dinner and has it on the table when the husband comes home does not mean that has to be done that way every day! Because the husband does not remember a wedding anniversary or wife's birthday does not mean he does not love his wife; the problem comes when the wife makes a "rule" of her own (if he loves me he will give me a card) and then thinks it is real/universal.

I think your wife may be doing a bit too much assuming about you and putting any help you might be to make her feel better over her own search for self-esteem and abilities to make herself feel better.