Torn

Last night, during a group discussion, one of my friends said that life is a series of cycles and rhythms; birth and death, breathing, heartbeat, the seasons, day and night. Life is also suffering. The suffering comes from the difference between the way things are and the way we think that things should be. Freedom from suffering comes from letting go of our attachments to the way we want everything to be. Often this release comes from being kind, particularly to people we do not like.

Strangely, I came home and had a dream that I was at work and I was yelling at someone because they weren’t doing what I believed that they should be doing.

When I woke up this morning, I realized two things. First, I’m not as kind as I think I am. Second, I am struggling with an apparent conflict between letting go (feeling content), and struggling to achieve my goals and dreams.

Erich Fromm described love as an art. He explained that love requires patience, discipline and hard work. He argues that the “whom” in a loving relationship is irrelevant; that “how” the people in that relationship love each other makes the difference between success and failure.

I’ve been in a relationship for 10 years this month. She has been committed and loyal. Our common interests include travel and photography. I’m a teetotaler and she is a social drinker, so that works. Our work schedules conflict. I work 8-5, she works 3-11. I have 50% custody of my kids, so I stay with her on the weeks that I don’t have my kids, and I don’t really see her on the weeks that I do. It wasn’t always like this. We used to see each other a lot more. I’m really pretty lonely lately, and I am losing way too much sleep. Many of our interests do not coincide.

I am torn. I look at other women and I wonder, not just about sex but what it would be like to find new love. Many of the relationships I’ve been in have been disappointing. I am afraid that I will never find someone that I genuinely feel in love with. I wonder if I am having a hard time letting go of unrealistic expectations, or if I am not working hard enough to build a loving relationship.

Wow 10 years? If you haven't 'combined' your lives by now it doesn't seem as if it will happen. Kinda like a dead end. You need to sit back and really think about what you get and want from this relationship. If you're staying in it as to not hurt her, or due to habit, it's time to move on. I'm glad to see your kids come first in your life and I know it sucks when they're not around. But keep in mind that if you're feeling lonely you obviously need something more. Love will come but you need to be available to find it (or it to find you).

communication, encourage one another, emotional support, respect, these too are traits of a healthy relationship.
when one is lacking its like a domino effect.
reading your thread i notice you never metioned the word love.
i've been married for over 23 years, it has it's ups and downs, but we are still together for better or for worse.
so i think commitment, loyal, and love is what you struggle with.
something in your past makes you put up walls when it comes to relationships.
your good with your children, but when it comes to women, walls everywhere.
i hope i wasn't being too harsh, thanks for sharing (((hugs)))

My dad used to always tell me that love was a decision. Feelings come and go, but if you decide you want to love someone, you make it happen, even if you don't necessarily feel it all of the time. I think part of the beauty of spending a lifetime with someone is going through those cycles together, even when the sex is boring or someone is moody or you can't see eachother how you'd like. You can find a new job, but you can't get back ten years.

The flaw in this argument is that there are not just two ways to see a difficulty?

You cannot force yourself to feel X about someone. Yes, you can love "mankind" or "poor people" or person Y, but that is not about the feeling of love, but actions. You would like to feel love and feel loved in return and there is nothing whatsoever either unrealistic or about hard work in that!

My husband and I fell in "fond" because we were afraid of the "L" word. But we do love each other and "fell" head-over-heels in love but that feeling is better described as attraction and it does not last! I do not think you are talking about that feeling though. We can act loving, do loving things and, as in "Fiddler on the Roof" eventually we realize we in fact "Love" the other person. Or, we can feel attraction for another and build experiences together that confirm the attraction and the loving feelings so when the head-over-heels feeling goes, there is still the respect and desire to continue to act in a loving way. If a person loves "poor people" and works to help them, eventually there will be burn out if something is not gained in return! That is not about the person doing the loving being crass or unrealistic, it is just the way things are. We give and receive and need to do that cycle or pattern in order to be whole and healthy. We cannot just give.

It sounds like what you are receiving is not enough for you and you do not see a means of improving that; I would talk to your girlfriend about where the relationship is going or can go and where you each would like it to go; it takes two, both sides to love, to give and receive.