[abagail44]

I am a late 30s working woman with a husband and 2 kids. No problems with my family life.

I've worked with a male co-worker for the last 12 years that's leaving the company. He and I always got along well, but he recently went thru a big divorce around 2 years ago. We both got along well because we hate the corporate bs and all the soulless people we run across. I suppose me and him were sort of on the same wavelength at the workplace.

So he announced he was leaving and it really hit me hard. It just wasn't something like being sad that someone is leaving, but it felt a little bit more.

I try to self analyze myself, and it almost feels like I'm breaking up with a boyfriend. I know how horrible that sounds since I'm married, but that's how I am feeling.

When he was going thru his divorce, I will admit this for the first time, I felt like if there was a way we changed our life tracks when we were younger, maybe I would have ended up with him than my husband. I know that sounds terrible, and I really don't know why I thought that since my hubby and I are in a good relationship. I guess it may have been just something like a new opportunity or a new train of thought, but I embarrassingly admit I felt like this. Of course, I never acted out on those thoughts.

But why am I feeling somewhat obsessed with his leaving now? That thought about me and him somehow if the stars were aligned correctly being together now has come back into my mind. Maybe it's the sadness of him leaving the company, and maybe that's all it is, just a sense of loss of a friend, but it feels more than that. Is it because he's decided to take the brave step in starting over into a new career due to his post divorce world view and I feel like I'm stuck in the same unhappy work place? Or did I really have feelings for him more than just a work relationship.

So confused!!

[Perna]

He is a very good friend, you spent 1/3rd of your day with him for 12 years! Too, he was "parallel" to you and your life, and now he is changing his life and that could be stirring up your own life and what you had wanted for yourself? People we have in our lives for that long, you can't just rip that part of our life out and have no problem with it. You "expect" and are comfortable with certain day-to-day activities and now your day is changing without your having decided to make the change.

Think about the last time you changed jobs or went from one grade to another in school, had girlfriends and then got married, etc. When we are making the change, the people we leave behind don't seem to "matter" as much as when others leave us behind. That's because when we are consciously changing we are looking forward but when others around us change, we are "left" where we are and have only a backward look to remember what it was like.

[unaluna]

He's your "work husband"! Some sitcoms a few years ago had episodes about this. I miss all my work husbands...

[abagail44]

Originally Posted by Perna

He is a very good friend, you spent 1/3rd of your day with him for 12 years! Too, he was "parallel" to you and your life, and now he is changing his life and that could be stirring up your own life and what you had wanted for yourself? People we have in our lives for that long, you can't just rip that part of our life out and have no problem with it. You "expect" and are comfortable with certain day-to-day activities and now your day is changing without your having decided to make the change.

Think about the last time you changed jobs or went from one grade to another in school, had girlfriends and then got married, etc. When we are making the change, the people we leave behind don't seem to "matter" as much as when others leave us behind. That's because when we are consciously changing we are looking forward but when others around us change, we are "left" where we are and have only a backward look to remember what it was like.

Thanks this helped. I do have a feeling like I'm being left behind. We both loved complaining about our job, but now he's actually doing something about it whereas I am just talking. but we're in different situations. He can leave, he doesn't need to support anyone now. Me, I have to support my kids, need to work to pay the mortgage, etc.... I get that, but WHY do I have feelings of infidelity with him. I get what the other poster said about work husband, but I still think these feelings of actually being with him I cannot explain. I think at one point we both liked each other but knew we were off limits.

I wonder sometimes if he ever thought like me that fantasy if we ever had a chance in meeting or what it would be like meeting. probably no, but why do i torture myself with this senseless obsession!

[abagail44]

I tried to send a response but it didnt work, so here goes again, maybe it'll duplicate.

Thank you for your advice both of you. I tend to agree that I feel like he's moved on and I'm now stuck in a job we don't really like. He has divorced and doesn't need to support anyone now and can be free of this job. Whereas I still have to work to put clothes on my kids back. He gets to do something he loves while I'm stuck. argh......

But why do I still feel this obsession of infidelity for him? I sometimes think if he has the same feelings for me? Does he fantasize about meeting sometime earlier in life? I think we did sense we liked each other more than just working together once, maybe like 3-4 years ago, but we knew both were untouchable.

I feel a sense of loss and sadness since he's leaving, which I agree has to do w/ the work husband theory. But, I shouldn't feel a sense of attraction or like he's my husband who's abandoned me for greener pastures.

I think I've lost my mind. If I need professional help, do you know what kind of therapist deals with these kind of things?

[Perna]

Originally Posted by abagail44

I wonder sometimes if he ever thought like me that fantasy if we ever had a chance in meeting or what it would be like meeting. probably no, but why do i torture myself with this senseless obsession!

I remember my stepmother use to talk about my mother and father and her 1st husband and she all meeting, if they had (my mother and her husband died about the same time) and how they probably would have been friends, they were that compatible.

My husband and I have a good guy friend who use to work for my husband and he and I hit it off and talk about deeper things than my husband cares for (my husband doesn't do "emotional" generally) and I sometimes imagine if my husband were to die, would I hook up with him, etc. (no, personally he has more flaws than I would like in a partner :-) He and I are only about 6 months apart in age but my husband is 7 years older.

[summeryoga]

abagail44, If I may share a story with you, because I feel like I have almost lived your situation. I am also in my late 30's, 2 kids, happy family life, and working outside the home. I've lived through, oh I hate to admit it here or anywhere, having 2 affairs despite my wonderful husband and home life. Not that you're having an affair, but truthfully, it sounds like you may be heading down that road that I went down, that started just as innocently and confusingly as yours. We women in our mid-late 30's have a lot going on, and it's rarely talked about openly. To put it bluntly, we're at our "peak", and that can manifest in weird ways even when we don't feel like we're at our peak with our hubbies; we're sometimes restless, possibly because we're just so 'settled'; and, yes, it must be said, we are no longer the young hot 20-somethings we once we were ... we are officially on that bridge to getting/being older, and even if we think we are fine with getting older, it does affect us in unexpected ways. For me, it was all of this (plus my own struggles with being Borderline and self-sabotage) that led me astray.

I just WISH someone had said to me, before my feelings crossed over to that inappropriate area: Stop. Look at your life and your husband. Really look at all you have to lose if you pursue this in any way. This other man is NOT as great and perfect as he appears to be. Go talk to a therapist about this and take a break from the other man. If you continue going down this path, you could hurt your husband and kids way more than you can imagine.

I say this not to tell you what to do or come off as arrogant or condescending. But I have been in shoes awfully similar to yours. Please feel free to pm me if you want to chat more about this.

[abagail44]

Summeryoga - thank you for the response. It's been 2 days now since he left and I am feeling better. I am taking your advice as well as others to view my home/work life as a whole. In those 2 days, I opened up to my husband about this and he says he understands, which helped me lift a big load of guilt off my back. But I'm not totally over it. I won't be for a while. But advice like yours really helps!