[portlandiagirl]

Hello all,
This is only my second post - first being in introductions. I really need to get some outside input because my own thoughts are spinning right now.
My husband of 4 years (1 child, 3 yrs old) is 3 years sober. Cocaine was his drug of choice but also alcohol. I just saw our latest bank statement and discovered 2 separate withdraws on the same date at a strip club. It didn't state the time, but I'm guessing it must have been during work because I don't remember any unaccounted time in the evening when he normally would have been home. The total amount was $140. For us, this is A LOT of money. He does the banking and we have 2 accounts - one I primarily use and one he does. This was from his account. Money was tight this month but we just moved so I thought that was why.
Here's where my mind is spinning...Is he using again? Drinking or drugs? Both? Why is he hanging out a strip club? This is not normal behavior (or maybe it is and he's kept it hidden?? He was VERY good at keeping the drugs hidden before.) I don't know where to go with this or what to do. I feel like I my emotions are out of control right now.
Any input would be GREATLY appreciate it.
Thank you.

[Purple Heart]

communication communication communication is the key, you need to ask him directly, what is he doing with the money and is he using drugs, being direct avoids mind games, good luck

[Perfecto]

Yeah communication is key. Dont feel reluctant to air your views as you will only bottle it up which I used to do with my wife. Drugs do affect people in many ways and cocaine does induce many problems to the person.

[Sloane]

you need to treat the situation as a possible relapse which means confronting him about the money and possible or probable use of drugs and alcohol. you need to be strong by giving him the option to clean up. if he refuses, you need to have consequences such as leaving with your child until he is in treatment. as we both know from experience, addicts are master manipulators. do not let him talk you out of consequences. he gets clean or you leave. otherwise you become an enabler. I am giving straight talk from NA or AA philosophy. when you confront him, tell him what you know he has been doing rather than just accusing him of relapsing. also, ask him what happened to make him decide to make such a poor decision. this may help you understand what the trigger was. if you know the triggers, you are a step ahead of him.

I am sorry you are in this situation. at this point you need the truth to clarify what you need to do to keep your son and yourself safe. if he starts using cocaine again, it can put you and your son in danger from the psychoactive effects it has like paranoia. I am here to support you as I have beeh there with my brother. you need to be thinking about yourself and your son's welfare over and above your husband's right now, because if he is currently using he is not worrying about your safety or that of his son right now. as I said, and so did you, addicts are great manipulators and will protect their using above all else. I do not mean to sound like I am coming down hard on you. rather, you need to come down on him hard. letting him know what you know prevents him from having the opportunity to lie to you. please keep us posted on what happens. much love and light sent your way. take care and be well. stay safe. feel free to PM me about this if you do not feel like posting. I have been in your shoes and lived the roller coaster of addiction long enough to understand.


Sloane

[unaluna]

Not sure if this kind of thing still goes on, but now that I said THAT, it sounds naïve to me - is it possible your husband was on a work outing? There would be a lot of peer pressure, really boss pressure to participate.

[Perna]

Yes, you have to talk to him, find out the story. He did not have to do it that way, could have used cash or otherwise "hidden" what he did but he didn't, perhaps he wanted you to find it. He could be very conflicted so I would think about what you want and how you feel and know what is what with yourself and then see what is up with him and his thoughts about where to go from here. Then decide what is best for yourself and child in this situation. If he is using again, he needs to get help now and you cannot stay so close or you could be sucked in and taken down with him (not into drugs but into lies, deceit, arguing, etc.) and that would not be good.

If $140 is a lot to you and you were stretched thin this month, it does not sound like he was doing drugs as they would cost more? I would take to him immediately and try to head off whatever problems you can before they get worse.

[portlandiagirl]

Thank you to everyone. I agree - I need to talk to this about it. And if he using again, he is out of here until he gets sober or perhaps forever. That was a bottom line we discussed when he was in rehab and I think I can stick to it.
I was also curious about the "trail" of money he left. Makes me wonder if there's other missing money he was more careful with too. (Withdraws from the bank and took cash with him.) Even if it's not the drugs and is "only" alcohol, this is not okay with me because it's a slippery slope back to drugs and we agreed on a sobriety of abstinence. And even if he didn't use either, I am still not ok with him spending $140 at a STRIP CLUB when we are struggling financially.
The work outing idea isn't possible in this scenario with the company he works with. And, anyway, this particular "club" was where he used to go and use when he was active in his addiction.
Thank you again...

[JLarissaDragon]

This sounds like trouble to me. I think you should monitor your accounts carefully from now on. I would also confront him and ask him what he was doing at a strip club. I know boys will be boys sometimes, but he has a history of addiction and this could be a warning sign, especially if you ignore it

My heart feels for you.

[portlandiagirl]

I agree, JLarissaDragon. I've been thinking a lot about it (pretty hard not to) and it sounds like trouble to me too. If this was a case of boys being boys, why the secrecy? And why go back to one of his old haunts? This is not a high-class club by any stretch of the imagination. It is a seedy, dirty, hidden place. Exactly what you might imagine when you think of a nasty strip club where there is a lot of drug use.
I am so anxious about this...about when to confront him. I don't want to go into the weekend if we have this discussion and it goes badly. On the other hand, I don't know how long I can keep it to myself for either.
Thank you to everyone. Knowing there are people out there to whom I can express my feelings and get feedback and support is helping me keep my sanity and stay strong.

[princecharming]

People tend to think of addiction as an isolated problem. For example, you talk about cocaine and alcohol being his “drug of choice” …right… well what choice?

He didn’t sit down one day and say on the one hand, the advantage of this is that I can get intoxicated. On the other hand, I will lose huge amounts of money, the respect of my wife and friends, the ability to be a good role model to my child, possibly my driver’s license, possibly my job…blah blah blah… the list goes on and on.

He just started using. He just started drinking. It triggered a reward center in his brain and he did not have the self control to say no and he was too compulsive about it to stop.

Saying that he quit cocaine and alcohol is like saying he quit chemotherapy. What about the problem that led him to cocaine and alcohol in the first place? What about the problem with his thinking, with his self discipline and his ability to conduct a realistic analysis of the problems versus the benefit? Did he fix that?

Maybe now his “drug of choice” is naked girls.

I could be completely wrong about that, but I remain convinced of what I said earlier. The disease is the thought process. The “drug of choice” is only a symptom.

[sunnysky07]

I am sorry to hear about your husband spending money you can not afford to spend. My husband also took money from our saving account, that we setup to pay our taxes. This was also a time he said he was not drinking, and once again I kind of believe him. But I was also checking our main account, and it appeared he was not spending very much money. I ended up looking at the saving, and I was in shocked that he spend that kind of money in a month.
He too used the debit card from the saving to go to the bar. What I ended up doing was move what money we have left into a new account, one that he can not get to. I know how hard it is to be dealing with someone that, has a drug problem. I feel for you, it is hard even if they are not doing drugs at this time. It is always in the back of my mind, when is he going to spend too much money on drinking, it is hard to trust. I am trying to get some peace, myself. Take care of yourself and your child. Try to take one day at a time, that is what everybody tells me. And when the time is right to talk to him, do it in a safe place.

[portlandiagirl]

Thank you, Sunnysky. I am trying my best to take care of myself. That is one lesson I learned in dealing with all this... I think the idea of moving the money is a good one. I am at a disadvantage here because up until now he has "controlled" the money (i.e. I stay at home, he works, he manages the accounts, etc.) It's clear that it is time for me to take more responsibility in that arena. Best wishes to you as well.

Prince Charming...when I said "drug of choice" I was using the phrase as it is commonly understood in the drug/alcohol counseling community to mean that is his first choice when he uses. It doesn't mean he has a choice vis-a-vis a conscious decision to weigh the benefits and consequences of his using and then decide to use. That being said, I 100%, completely agree with you in that the root of his addiction has not been properly addressed and that he is probably in the midst of relapse thinking.

Thank you to everyone for your positive comments and suggestions. This is NOT how I wanted to go into the holidays...but all I can do at this point is choose how I react to the situation. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I will keep you updated.