[dominique_]

My father in law was arrested in two states and served his time for soliciting 13 y/o on the internet, and it turned out to be undercover cops thank god. When he was first arrested my mother in law told me he may have molested his own daugher when she was younger. She was pretty vague and didn't want to break trust with her daughter. I still talked to the creep because I was trying to be supportive of my hubby. I love him so much. But recently my sister in law told me about it. she told me not to tell him, but he wanted to invite him over the next day. Needles to say i flipped out and started crying. i am no longer in denial about what he is. I think he is dangerous. My husband said when we have kids he wants them to know his father. I don't want any kids near this man, not to mention my hypothetical children. Now I am wondering if I should even have kids with my husband. I am heart sick and don't know what to do. i went into a depression when I found out/ stopped being in denial about my father in law.
Am I over reacting? I talked to someone who was a psych nurse and worked 1:1 with sex offenders including pedophiles. She said its ok to have kids in the same room just not alone with them. I worry because I read about pedophiles grooming children right in front of their parents. I feel sick when I think of him near kids or who else he may have victimized. When I think about him I want to hurt him. I have been having nightmares and feel very protective over my sister in law - we are close. I knew this man for over a decade and feel betrayed by him that he was this secret monster.
Please help!

[princecharming]

I had a similar situation in my family. I was not directly involved, but it affected everyone. It came out in the open and it divided the family forever.
I have children, and I would not let them be around a pedophile.
It seems to me that your husband must know this. I believe in family unity, but at what expense? Would your husband be able to sever ties with his parents?

[Sloane]

I sure would sit down with my husband and have a talk with him. generalize why you do not want your future children in the presence of a pedophile as incest is not a far jump. you do not need to break the secret with our sister in law as he has a record with the 13year old. tell your husband how scared and angry and disgusted you feel. you have to be true to your feelings and comfort level. I agree with your feelings against your father in law, by the way. just reassure your husband that it is not his adult his father is what his father is. you do not hold the sins of the father against the son so to speak. by the same token, I think deep down I would always be watching my husband around our children knowing the kind of home he grew up in...secretive family abuse and incest. your husband may not remember things he knows as his brain protects him from the ugly truth. I say this as a friend of mine is a survivor and her brother claims all was peachy keen when he was involved. tread lightly, but be cautious. best of luck to you. sorry you are dealing with these issues.


Sloane

[Alcinus_of_chell]

I talked to someone who was a psych nurse and worked 1:1 with sex offenders including pedophiles. She said its ok to have kids in the same room just not alone with them.

In your poll I selected the 'Only with supervision' option, but I think supervision means more than just being there (see below). I think that an attitude along the lines of 'You feel that? That's a knife. You blink wrong and all the kings horses and all the kings men won't be able to put you back together again' might be warranted, Though the example is perhaps a bit extreme (then again maybe not).

I worry because I read about pedophiles grooming children right in front of their parents.

I think that it is important to recognize that because the parents are physically there doesn't mean they are There, You know?
Studies have shown that most people most of the time don't pay much attention to their surrounding and are especially unlikely to notice thing out of the ordinary, or that they didn't expect as long as those things are subtle.

[Flooded]

Omg, no freakin' way would I allow my children to be around a known convicted paedophile. Like NO way. Not even with supervision! Hell no!

[Perna]

I think you should talk to your husband and share your knowledge and concerns with him and the two of you deal with it together.

[lido78]

Is there any way of convincing your sister-in-law to talk openly with her brother? I really think he needs to hear it from her or his mother. While you are family by marriage, it's a different thing with blood relations, and he could resent you for giving the him the news first (i.e., shoot the messenger). I would not let this man near any children, real or hypothetical.

[Irreplaceable]

I can't tell you whether or not you should or shouldn't have kids with your husband, but you need to be very careful...The way that your husband is responding to this whole thing is very puzzling to me....I understand that is his father...But wrong is wrong....I would hope that he wouldn't put the safety of his child at risk because "he wants his child to have a relationship with his father"...Exactly what type of relationship is he talking about? Doing sleep overs? Taking them out for ice cream? Babysitting? Doing things that grand parents do with their grandchildren? This man should not be left alone with kids...Period...If you do plan on having kids, I strongly suggest that you and your husband sit down and have a talk about what is acceptable as far as his father is concerned....As far as I'm concerned, his father is a sick individual who needs to be kept away from children...Obviously, the nurse that talked to you has never been abused or had any of her kids abused...If she did, I doubt that she would be so nonchalant with her response...Yea, pedophils shouldn't be left alone with kids...DUH....But the whole grooming thing is what would concern me...Only my 2 cents...

Edit: And I had to add this...There is no way in hell that man would be in the same room as my child...If my husband has a problem with it, then he has a problem with it but this isn't something I would back down from...You know how you have to pick your battles in relationships? Well, this would definetly be a battle I wouldn't let go of...Think about this stat: 60% of children will be abused by the time they are 18 years old...And the majority of those abused, are abused from someone they know....And trust...It really bothers me that your husband is reacting like this/said he wants his child to have a relationship...Maybe if he knew that your sister in law was abused he wouldn't be so nonchalant about it...But that is family, and I don't know if I would get in the middle of that....If the sister in law isn't comfortable speaking on what happened to her, then I wouldn't push the issue for her to tell...But she needs to know this: Her telling what happened to her can prevent another child from being hurt by this man...Yes she may be dealing with shame and embarrassment, but her story can help...What he did is unforgiveable and he should be locked up...He has no boundaries...What man would touch his daughter inappropriately? That takes a sick person...Your CHILD? If he has so freely done it to her, there would be no hesitation for him doing it to someone else...

OMG! Reading this is rather triggering for me as I have been through it all, If I knew what my own dad was like then THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD OF LEFT MY KIDS WITH HIM, I wish I was warned about him, The answer is no your father in-law is not to be trusted with any kids, I don't think think they ever change, They have sick pervert minds.

[dominique_]

Originally Posted by Buttercup.

OMG! Reading this is rather triggering for me as I have been through it all, If I knew what my own dad was like then THERE IS NO WAY I WOULD OF LEFT MY KIDS WITH HIM, I wish I was warned about him, The answer is no your father in-law is not to be trusted with any kids, I don't think think they ever change, They have sick pervert minds.

I am really sorry this triggered bad memories for you. But it just solidfies my feelings about the issue. Thank you for your honesty. As the psych nurse I talked to said ( we were talking about recindivism) rapists generally stop raping around 50ish, but pedophiles are for life. No matter how old they are children are always going to be in danged from these individuals.

[dominique_]

Originally Posted by Irreplaceable

I can't tell you whether or not you should or shouldn't have kids with your husband, but you need to be very careful...The way that your husband is responding to this whole thing is very puzzling to me....I understand that is his father...But wrong is wrong....I would hope that he wouldn't put the safety of his child at risk because "he wants his child to have a relationship with his father"...Exactly what type of relationship is he talking about? Doing sleep overs? Taking them out for ice cream? Babysitting? Doing things that grand parents do with their grandchildren? This man should not be left alone with kids...Period...If you do plan on having kids, I strongly suggest that you and your husband sit down and have a talk about what is acceptable as far as his father is concerned....As far as I'm concerned, his father is a sick individual who needs to be kept away from children...Obviously, the nurse that talked to you has never been abused or had any of her kids abused...If she did, I doubt that she would be so nonchalant with her response...Yea, pedophils shouldn't be left alone with kids...DUH....But the whole grooming thing is what would concern me...Only my 2 cents...

Edit: And I had to add this...There is no way in hell that man would be in the same room as my child...If my husband has a problem with it, then he has a problem with it but this isn't something I would back down from...You know how you have to pick your battles in relationships? Well, this would definetly be a battle I wouldn't let go of...Think about this stat: 60% of children will be abused by the time they are 18 years old...And the majority of those abused, are abused from someone they know....And trust...It really bothers me that your husband is reacting like this/said he wants his child to have a relationship...Maybe if he knew that your sister in law was abused he wouldn't be so nonchalant about it...But that is family, and I don't know if I would get in the middle of that....If the sister in law isn't comfortable speaking on what happened to her,...He has no boundaries...What man would touch his daughter inappropriately? That takes a sick person...Your CHILD? If he has so freely done it to her, there would be no hesitation for him doing it to someone else...

WOW. Thanks for responding. I appreciate your honesty and clarity. He knows about his sister. My mother in law told her son ( my husband about it). My husband told the lawyer defending his father ( the pedophile) but nothing was done about it. ( he or I should have told the prosecutor not the ******* defense attorney!!!!) Looking back on it I wish I could change my reaction to everything. His sister didn't want to talk about it which is understandable and I was in denial too along with my husband. He now says he wasn't in denial because he told the lawyer. Like a defense lawyer is really going to produce evidence contrary to his client . I wish my mother in law would have testified against him. But it all happened very quickly. This was 4 yrs ago. He served 2 yrs jail time for attempted solicitation and contact of a minor ( he was caught in a sting operation just like that show 'to catch a predator").

My husband questioned me last night if his father ever did anything to me. We met when I was 15 so I was still a potential target at the time. I said no. My hubby said that if his father ever touched me or our hypothetical future children that he would kill him. I know he meant that when he said it. So he knows about his sister, but hasn't talked to her about any of it. I told him how much that bothered me that he speaks to his father more frequently than he does his sister. He said its too painful to talk about and he doesn't want to bring it up. I am trying to get him to go to therapy he says its a waste of money and he has already dealt with the issues.
I just feel lost. I am trying to be respectful of his feelings. I am trying to imagine how I would feel. I know you can't say that until you've been in that situation. I still feel like I would disown my father if he ever hurt my baby brother ( who is now in his mid 20's and over 6"! ) I am still protective.
I guess what I don't get is my husband's lack of protectiveness over his sister. He doesn't attempt to talk about it or reach out to her. It bothers me. I know its none of my business.
At least he said he will go to my therapy sessions with me. Its a small first step.

Am I being mean to my husband? Is it irrational to say " i don't ever want to see your fathers face again? ( because I am afraid I will physically maim him), and I don't ever want him near our children ( even if hypothetical).

Is it irrational of me not to go to a holiday function because the pedophile will be there? My husband said well you haven't seen that side of the family in a while and they are asking about you.. what am I going to tell them? Not my problem. My sister in law hasn't seen her dad's side of the family since he was arrested no one is asking about her. They don't know what happened with her but they know about his arrest and supported him. yet they don't question why she stopped talking to him, or if she is ok. Whatever.

I feel like I am in god d*mn bizzaro world. I want to be a rational person and have respect for my husbands emotions. I can't imagine what it feels like for him- but at the same time He asked me to talk to his father because he puts up with my parents. He said I was abused and he hates them for it. I have a good relationship with my parents now ( as good as it will get) and I was never sexually abused by them.

My husband said that his father should always be supervised near children. And that if he found out his dad did anything he would kill him himself.

Is it ok to compromise and say your dad can see our future kids... when it makes me sick to think of a child near his father.

Wow sorry for the long post every one.

[worriedmom913]

I think the answer to this issue would be very clear to you if you had children. As a mom..it is your privelege to keep them safe and secure. Without 100% plus guarantee that your children would not be exposed to this man or anyone who supports this pervert I wold NOT bring children into this family. Children deserve your complete and total attention...and no one, not even a "grandfather" or a "father" with this man's record should be considered safe.

Do what degree would you risk your child? Allow them around a pitbull who seems friendly? Let them get in a car with a stranger because they seem nice? Leave them in the bathtub because you're just in the next room? Leave them unbuckled in the car because you;re just going a few miles? Leave them alone in the car becuase you;re just running into the store?

I severed ties with a) my real father who abandoned me at 2 and only resurfaced when he needed help as an elderly man (gambler, drinker, and assorted unsavory behavior) and b) stepdad who was definately unsafe to be around (overt sexual advances). I kept myself totally safe and secure with locked doors etc. until I was old enough to bolt and then I did. It was very very easy to become the mom I wanted to be for my future kids by knowing how they were going to be protected and treasured. These decisions were very easy for me...there was never any doubt that I would not FALL for a man who did not SUPPORT my values and ethics. I did not let men into my life who were not worthy of being a father to my kids.

Your husband's feelings for his dad puzzle me. Wanting to be with his "father" is something I don't relate to. If a perso nin your life is toxic to any loved ones...they are not worthy. Where is this loyalty coming from?

[Vibe]

I can think of a lot of potential reasons your husband might be behaving this way towards his father. Perhaps he has a very good relationship with him and a very poor relationship with his sister growing up. Suddenly finding out his father was a pedophile wouldn't change that history. On the other hand, perhaps he also suffered abuse and can't face it so does everything possible to block it out, and is still being controlled by his father. Or maybe the idea of his father hurting a child is so repulsive that he is in denial, acting like his father never did anything wrong, and avoiding his sister where the evidence of his father's abusive behavior comes from... I could go on. But since he's not willing to talk to you about it, this is all just speculation. In some of these scenarios he could end up failing to protect his own children. And at the very least I'd want to have good lines of communication open with my partner before we brought children into the world together. I think at least understanding your husband's odd behavior would come first.

As for whether or not you're being irrational - I don't think so. As a mother it would be your responsibility to protect your children. Not wanting your children exposed to pedophiles (especially ones who seem to have not gone through any rehabilitative process and relatives with a history of incest) definitely falls under that category. I wouldn't compromise either regarding letting the kids see his dad. I would also require your husband to be on the same wavelength with you before becoming pregnant (a "yeah, okay, whatever" would not cut it because we all know what that means).

Your decision not to visit the man needs to be respected as well. However, while I think it's important to understand why your husband sees his father so much, I wouldn't stand in the way of it. Since you're both adults, deciding whether to visit or not is your own individual choices.

I guess, in summary, I would want open and relatively nonjudgmental communication with very firm lines drawn.

[summeryoga]

You are NOT overreacting ... AT ALL. I would suggest you and hubby get into couples counseling before you have kids. just to sort this out and so it doesn't become an even bigger when you do become parents. I think your reactions are a sign that you are healthy.

[LylaJean]

Thank you for sharing your issues with your inlaws!! I'm struggling with a similar situation. My husband is the 4th of 8 kids, all of which "re-enacted" various sexual acts with eachother when they were kids... Scary stuff. The oldest is 30 now and the youngest just turned 7, and who knows what goes on behind shut doors, still.... I love the family and can't blame the kids, but it makes me flippin angry that his parents could have been blind to it, and not be doing anything even now that they know! The 7 year old was caught with his same age male cousin doing sexual things to eachother just a few months ago, and while my bro-in-law took his son immediately to counseling, my in-laws have done nothing for the 7 year old. It horrifies me. I also feel like I'm in a "bizzarro world". Like, who thinks this is something to be ignored??!! And when we have children in the future, my husband already knows my rules. My kids won't be playing with their youngest uncles without me in the same room, doors to seperate rooms locked, everything out in the open. That's what the older siblings have done with their own kids. It's unfortunate that I won't be able to drop them off to play at their grandparents' house, but hey, I can't trust them to keep my children untouched. As for you, dealing with it coming from an adult, NO WAY would my kids spend any time with him. Family Christmas once a year? Maybe. But I sure as hell would have my kids dressed in padded clothing so the creep couldn't even see them, and there would be absolutely no hugs, no sitting on his lap, and no communication. If you can control the environment enough, then sure, once a year he can visually see that the grandkids are growing and can speak. That's it. And you should give him a good piece of your mind and explain to him exactly why he won't be a part of your lives.

As for your husband, they say a man doesn't start thinking like a father until the child is placed in his hands. I really believe that when he has a little girl, he'll look at his dad completely differently.

[shezbut]

Dominque,

I feel very passionately about this topic, as my family is sick too. There is no way I could have anything to do with the FIL. It really bothers me that your husband knows about the incest of his sister, yet still wants his father to play a role in his children's lives. I cannot believe that he'd be so forgiving!

It seems to me as though your hub's family still have their heads in the sand. WTH would you even want to bring up the father's past in his defense in court?? To me, that defense solidifies that bad habit of criminal sexual and social injustices committed by the defendant.

It may seem as though the family is being respectful of the wounded, by ignoring the past. However, as a survivor of SA and EA myself, I can assure you that it sounds as though the family is being a lot more supportive of the father by refusing to show him consequences of his behavior towards them. Perhaps your hub was also abused and lives in denial. That's about the only idea that makes some sense to me as to why his family is still "okay" with the father.

Personally, I was the one in my family who came forward to end the sick cycle. It worked. Divided the family ~ it was painful ~ but I also could not stand and watch the cycle repeat itself. That idea was much more painful than the division and sorrow that I did feel.

I hope that you haven't felt as though I pounced on you in attack. I do feel very strongly against your FIL, and have lots of sympathy for you, your hub and his family. I hope that you and your hub do decide to see a counselor, to help both of you work through these thoughts and emotions completely and clearly. I wish you the best!

[dominique_]

Thanks you this was very helpful!

[dominique_]

Thanks for sharing your story and your input!

[dominique_]

"Personally, I was the one in my family who came forward to end the sick cycle. It worked. Divided the family ~ it was painful ~ but I also could not stand and watch the cycle repeat itself. That idea was much more painful than the division and sorrow that I did feel."

I don't feel like you were attacking me at all! I think your message was very straightforward and coming from someone who has obvious experience with dealing with the unimaginable ( SA).I am thankful for your input.