[Burnsrebekah]

After reading several threads and figuring out that this website is truly about self-improving, I thought to myself why not improve myself. My main issue is I get crazy angry when my boyfriend does something that I don't want him to do, for example: last night I stayed at my own house in my own bed alone, without him, because I thought after being up each other's butts for the past couple of days, the little break would be nice and I could wake up the next morning and go over and see him and we would embrace each other and go about our day...but oh how I was wrong. We had a fight this morning over the issue. I wanted to go over there and he still wanted to do some things, which is understandable, but I took it as him not wanting to see me. And it seems that I think that a lot whenever that sort of thing happens, he will want to do something without me and i take it as an insult and assume that he doesnt want to see me or hold me or have anything to do with me and i get super angry and upset. I take his disagreement as rejection and the result is me getting uncontrollaby angry. I yell, I cry hysterically, and in some cases get so angry that I drive to his house to fight with him some more. Everytime we work it out wnd everything is ok, but i justbwant to stop fighting about stuff like that and i want to not get so wangry. We love each other and are trying to learn different ways to resolve our fighting but I get so scared in thinking that the next fight will be the last. I know I need to stop getting so angry because I don't want to lose this relationship. So do I just say to myself "shut up and smile"? We try and talk and sometimes it works, but if we are both super angry, it just escalates until one of us leaves or threatens to break up with the other. Even though I get uncontrollably angry, in the back of mind all I can think of is how I can fix it but I just don't know how to even start getting control of my anger or how to appropriately talk to him without making it worse. And I'm definitely the type of person who says the wrong thing at the wrong time...I suck with words, I always have and it is so difficult to me to talk to anyone but I'm always trying. He is the best thing I could ask for and I don't want to drive him away with my unnecessary anger. I've been searching for someone to listen no offer any advice because I have no idea...that's why I registered...so I could've really figure out what is going on and if I can do something about fighting with him all the time and see if the relationship can be better and not filled with fighting over stupid things.

[Leed]

Well, I can almost guarantee that if you keep jumping down his throat over stuff like that, it WILL ruin the relationship.

It sounds like you have trust issues -- you don't TRUST that he loves you enough. You may mistrust that he's not doing what he SAYS he's going to do. Without trust in a relationship, you have nothing.

Has he ever done anything to make you mistrust him? If he hasn't, you really don't have anything to worry about. If this is the main issue in your fights -- his wanting/needing to do something without you at times --- I'd say you have it pretty darn good! LOL

You would probably benefit from some counseling to help you with your trust issues -- or perhaps your feelings of abandonment? You sure want to get this resolved before marriage!

I wish you the very best. Take care & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[StrongerMan]

You have to get to the root of why you get/feel so angry.. and it probably has to do with poor self esteem. That is a must because there is no excuse for acting the way you are. Therapy will help. I broke up with my girlfriend because of similar behavior. And her silent treatments did more harm than good. I prefer to talk about things like an adult. In the meantime, you can try to improve your communication with your boyfriend so that you avoid being surprised by his behavior or reaction to things you do. You have to tell him what you are going to do and why and discuss beforehand how this is to happen. It seems you may be doing things to test him and provoke a negative reaction.. sort of a self fulfilling prophecy. I think women do this a lot.. at least those who are insecure or have a fear of abandonment, which is far too many. They want their man to act exactly as they expect as some form of proof of love and approval. When it doesn't happen (as is usually the case), they let it tear them down. It almost feels good to them as they can play the victim. The guy is left wondering WTF.

[lido78]

I do some of the same stuff and have recently explored why I do what I do...most of it comes from old childhood events, and I think that I might have borderline personality disorder as a result. I have very intense rages that are out of proportion to what provokes the anger, and I will take a similar situation to the one you've described above with regard to my boyfriend and convince myself that he doesn't really love me, wants to avoid spending more time with me, etc. and I can get so angry...only to calm down later and wonder what the hell was I thinking/doing. I even imagine different things that might eventually break us up so that I can start preparing now for the eventual. Some folks on here have been very helpful and have suggested that the right therapist may be the key to working on this situation. What StrongerMan has written above would also apply to me and I hate that I do this...I'm sure that my boyfriend is often left scratching his head and saying "WTF"? I'm sure that on some level I'm testing him to see if he's like my father, but I'm also pushing him into anger...and this will pretty much ensure a break up if I keep going along like this. So, whenever you feel like you're about to rage at him for something you know you'll regret later...log on to this site and see if the additional perspective helps...it's helped me ever since I joined a month or so ago.

[Open Eyes]

Everyone has good advice here. But I really think that you should look into finding a good therapist, preferably one that specializes in Cognitive Behavioral therapy. You need to learn how to communicate your feelings better. As you are describing here, you know that you end up saying the wrong things. What your admitting is that you speak with your emotions verses logic and constructive communication skills. Your not stupid or a failure you know, you just need to learn the right communication skills and that will really help you learn to control your anger. If you learn to communicate better your boyfriend will learn to react better as well.

(((((Hugs)))))
Open Eyes