what do i do? how do i cope?

i have a 15 yr old daughter in jail. i do not want this child to return home. my hsb. is insistent that she should return home as soon as possible and always be welcome here. this child physically and verbally abuses me, steals from her older siblings, has written out detailed plans on how she intends to murder us, etc. etc..my hsb. believes everything she says even in the face of proof that she is lying...this conflict (of shall she come home or not)between us is tearing the marriage apart...my hsb says he will NOT compromise on his position altho he is happy for me to do so....we have been married for over 30 yrs. my depression is spiriling between medium to suicidal. i have seen my shrink,but can't go into the psych hosp. or i will lose my job...which i can't afford to do becuz my hsb is considering leaving me...

What is your daughter in jail for? Is she getting any treatment there, and how long will they keep her? It sounds like she has some serious problems, and whether in or out of jail I hope that she is receiving treatment. I believe that parents who protect their kids from the consequences of their actions are not doing their kids any favor. If my kid were in jail, and it were because they did something wrong, not because of some error or misunderstanding, I would not try to get them out. Once they are adults you can't protect them anymore, and adulthood hits suddenly, leaving them wondering what happens when all at once the kid gloves come off and they are actually held responsible.

I would insist on a psych eval for the 15 yr old, and go from there. You have to take care of yourself. If you don't feel safe and can't control who is in your home, get yourself out of there.

Hang in there and stay safe!


<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

Hello fctwinkie,

I wish I could tell you something that would make things better for you, but atlas, all I can do is to offer you advise on what I would do if it were me.

All relationships are 50/50, which is aparently something you don't have at this point. It is give and take on all parties involved, but you mentioned something I think takes priority over all else.

Her threats to murder you and the husband is something not to be overlooked. Above all else you owe it to yourself to be safe, and if a child, any child, becomes a danger to your safety, well , it is time to take action so that all are safe and well.

If this is the cae, as sad as it may be, please, do not allow her to return home, and if your husband will hear of nothing else, then leave and be safe.

Have you reported these threats to the authorities? If not, then now is the time, before she acts upon those threats. I'm sure there are counselors and other professionals, and programs designed to help someone such as yourself. Please, by all means do check into them.

I'm sorry I cannot see any storytale ending here, but I can see you protecting yourself and the best policy is always preventive maintence.

Take care sweetie, and please keep us informed. Post often and as many times as you feel is needed.

Your friend Sam

"You'll never know what you're capable of if you don't try."

fctwinkie,

First, welcome to the forums, I'm glad you found us.

I agree with Rapunzel and Sam's feedback. Your daughter should have a complete psych evaluation before being allowed to return to your home. And then depending on the result, maybe not even then. You said that she has abused you physically, and I would take the death threat very serious for that, if for no other reason. Has your husband read what she wrote? If so, I'm curious what he had to say about it.

The important thing here is that if you really feel threatened and scared, and you're not receiving any support, then you need to do whatever it takes to keep yourself safe. If that means leaving, then that's what you should do. Has all of the problems with your daughter just started lately, or been going on for awhile?

This is a terrible position for you to be in, but I hope that you're able to work everything out and get your life settled back down. Please visit us all you need to, sometimes it can really help to vent.

All my best,
bptoo

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

I totally agree with everything that everyone else has said and I wanted to add my encouragement as well. Do what you need to do to stay safe. Perhaps there'a women's shelter you could go to on a temporary basis if that's what it comes down to?

You also need to talk with your employer at work to let them know you are going through some personal difficulties. That should help them ease up on you if and when you may need to take some unexpected time off.

Hugs,


Sherry

Welcome to the group, Fctwinkie. Like everyone has said, your safety is the most important thing.

Please do not ignore those threats or think that "my child would never do such a thing". They will.

My oldest son, at the time he was 11, made similiar threats. I thought that my son would never do such a thing and that "Mom can fix anything"...........I woke up one night with him above my husband and myself holding a knife in his hand.

Needless to say, the terror I felt was beyond description. I only woke up because some sense alerted me before something happened.

Don't let that happen to you........please. Take care.

Mary Alice