Help! Practical Help with a 'crush' please!

Not a lot of advice, just wanted to say I'm going through the same thing and I feel for you, because it sucks.

The person I was crushing on apparently had a change of heart (I don't know the details, he won't communicate with me anymore) and now I'm utterly devastated. I took an extra step and told him my feelings, which you haven't done yet. It didn't really do anything for me except prolong the discussion - we hemmed and hawed over what to do, wrung our hands, hugged briefly, and then he decided to disappear on me. Which is probably better for all concerned.

Now I'm faced with wondering what's wrong with my own life and marriage, and that's the real problem. So -

If I can extend anything from my own situation to yours - and I'm still in the teeth of this thing and hurting like hell with no prospect of figuring anything out anytime soon - I'd probably say there are a few possible paths:

- you could tell her how you feel and risk her response. She might see you as a creepy stalker and report you to HR, or tell you to get lost. That would pretty much solve the problem right out of the gate.
I hear what you are saying but I honestly dont think this would solve the problem.

- you could tell her, and she might also have a crush on you and reveal it. Or she might not have been considering you as a romantic option, but your confession might give her ideas and inspire something. This would open the door to a possible affair.

So now you've got to ask yourself: do you really want to have an affair? Risk blowing up the situation with your wife and the kids? It sounds like the prospect of delving into something like this makes you uneasy.

You could tell her you want a strictly physical affair (I sort of got this from your description of your feelings), with an eye to containing the damage. If you're not in love, if it's just physical, then it's less risky - right? Is that what you're thinking? I only recognize this rationalization because I've been guilty of it too, like just last week. (I'm not doing any better than you at the moment, but I'm observing everything I do because it makes me feel less crazy - and I'm hoping to learn from my own nutty mistakes.) I do relate to this; I relate to the prospect of a physical affair and your own way of trying to observe yourself, but if the whole thing was just a physical/sex thing in me, then I'd be pretty happy I could cure it by being open with my wife and working on things positively there.

The only problem with that kind of blistering honesty is that it rarely works as a seduction ploy. Most women want to feel like they're inspiring love. If you present this too clumsily, she'll feel insulted. So maybe best not to go there.

Rather than hitting on her, is there any possibility of your bringing it up as a problem, something distracting that's affecting your work relationship? Again, there's the risk that it sounds like you're coming on to her, trying to engage her, rather than attempting to resolve the problem.
I dont see this as an option in our circumstances.

I do think sexual boredom in marriage is a real issue, and the person who could solve that one across the board would be richer than the Facebook guy...

Someone else on this forum put it to me in a way that helped: this is obviously not making you happy.
correct. Its making me unhappy.

Maybe try to like yourself enough to walk away from something that is giving you pain. Go toward the light - go toward things that make you feel better, not worse. You've already spent two years of your life on a hopeless crush. Your time is the currency of your life. Don't waste any more of it.
This is the kind of practical thought process I was really looking for but this is a train of thought I've been trying to cultivate in myself for a looooong time, and each time I think I'm getting somewhere then 'BAM!' she looks at me or laughs at me and I get that knot in my stomach again. Its relentless.

Another idea I picked up today from this site - the notion of radical acceptance. You can't deny your feelings, and you shouldn't try to. Accept that you're in pain and that you might always feel this way about this woman, and that the situation could remain totally hopeless. Once you realize that it really is hopeless, the pain lets up just a bit. Once you let go of the illusion that you could turn this into anything positive, it's easier to let it go.
I'm a positive man, a 'go-getter'. My whole life, if I've felt such strong emotion about something I've expressed it, in my personal life, and in my working life. Part of the problem here is that I have a huge 'BRAKE' sign in my head which says "DONT act. It will destroy people you care about".

I just feel like this is a teenage emotion set, being played out by a 40-something guy with a nice wife and family, and I need to manage it better than I am internally.

For what its worth, this is where I'd be talking to my dad or my brother but sadly both are no longer here - I lack a male counterpart/voice of experience who can help me through......

Or maybe not, I dunno...

So you need to find a way to get through this. Therapy would be something that might help a whole heck of a lot right now.

Just commiserating with you and free associating here, because I have no real advice.

OK - I'm really looking for PRACTICAL tips and ideas here to help me with my own emotional issue of an inappropriate crush I have on someone.

Please help me.......!

Some background.

I'm married for 13 years to a woman I still love. We have our ups and downs like any marriage but I do still love her and she is a very good friend. We have 2 children and I am devoted to them and love them dearly. I do not relish any prospect of a life living seperated from them.

Alls sounds fine doesnt it.

So why am I infatuated with another woman?

Due to the nature of my work I spend a certain proportion of every day interacting with this lady "Kate". She has a way about her which affects me physically (knots in my stomach - burning in my chest) when I am with her or even when I think about her.

I am not falling in love with her because we do not have a relationship that is anything more than platonic friendship and mutual respect. Don't get me wrong I 'like' her very much but that doesnt mean I am in love with her.

I DO find her very attractive, but this isnt the only aspect of my attraction to her - there are many things she says and does that I find incredibly powerful (un-neccesarily so) eg the way she walks, or how she pronounces certain words.

These signals to me are all about a crush.

But the BIG problem for me is that I've felt this way for at least 2 years. It just doesn't go away.

I've tried tactics to 'cure myself' - Ive talked to a confidant, I've tried to get to know more about her and her own family (she is married with Children too) to remind myself she is happily married and has a happy life with NO intimate connection with me. But I just can't shake these feelings off.

I really need some practical help here guys - I'm going nuts and its not pleasant when I see her every day. I'd rather be in a very different and more content frame of mind, but how do I get there???????????

PLEASE HELP!

PS I CANT leave my job. I CANT avoid her. I CANT distance myself from her to give myself a break......

your feelings for this "other" woman is lust.
you have it all with your wife and children, don't make a mistake and lose it all.
but what is missing from your marriage to lust after another woman?
is it emotional support? communication? physcial?

I'm not sure it is 'just' lust. There is more in there in terms of specific characteristics she has, which may be linked to some of the questions you ask there.

The biggest thing missing for me is 'intimacy' - since we have had children my wife does not get motivated by physical closeness in the way she used to, and I dont just mean sex, I mean all aspects of physical intimacy that you share with your partner - touch, kissing, affection. We have sex, but it doesnt set her on fire like it used to, and she just isnt as 'feminine' as she was.

That sounds harsh, but its not a criticism of her. She is a great mum and when we discuss this she says herself that she is more focussed on being a mum than a partner. She is a woman who is 'on a mission' pretty much 99% of the time. And that means she doesnt have the mindset to chillout, relax, get in touch with herself, and then get in touch with me.

The 'other woman' here does exude femininity, and has certain ways about her which perhaps I have latched onto as a fantasy of that intimacy I crave..........

The more I think about this, the more worried I am that this actually isnt a crush its indicating more important issues with our marriage which I don't think are easily solved.................

i wanted to add that i understand about the "physical" part of your marriage, the hugs, the little kisses, the holding of the hands, i get it, but you can do something too.

maybe when you come home from work give the kids their baths and put them to bed, while your wife cleans the kitchen or puts a load in the washer, and then come together just the two of you watching whatever it is on tv or drinking coffee or wine together and talk about each others day while your giving her a foot message.

do something where you can reconnect with your wife.