I know what and how I should do, but can't do it....

My situation is really complex. I am writing here, as I cannot talk about this to my family and friends.

I (sort of) have an affair with my brother-in-law. I say sort of, as we are 1000 miles physically apart living in two different continents, but in constant communication (up until now) via email. chat etc.

This got started about a year ago, when he mentioned to me about another affair he was having with a girl who is 23 years younger to him. During the course of their affair she got married to another person as well. But they have continued to carry on even after that. My brother-in-law told me about this. I helped him to see things in this case. Told him that he is actually ruining this girls life and if he really loves her (as he claimed) he should let her go. He actually took my advise and stopped the communication (as per to him) with her. But not necessarily stopped thinking/loving her.

However, in the process he gradually got me lured into an affair with him. I am also happily married and have a successful career, so is he. Truly I have nothing to complain about in my life. But, it was not possible for me to resist him. I got attracted to him. We do not actually have not any sort of physical interaction, though we chat/email about very intimate things. We keep separate accounts just to communicate with each other.

He continued to miss his former girl friend and time to time goes into moody situations. Because I love ( I think I do - but I can be wrong) him now, I cannot bare to listen to him talking about his former girl unlike before. I get paranoid when he does not come online or does not send me emails.

I decided to stop this affair. So I told him that we will stop communication. But it is really hard. I am still feeling extremely jealous and paranoid. I hacked into his Gmail account (as I knew kind of passwords he would be using) and got all photos of the former girl and her contact details, etc. (I don't know why I did it. I feel really bad about it.)

In the rage I sometimes think about making her (former) affair disclosed to her new husband. I don't want to do these revengeful things. I just want to go back to my normal life. I want to take care of my kids and family and not worry about this nonsenses. I want to concentrate on my work. But I cannot, becuase my brother-in-law is constantly on my mind.

We both are learned people (doctors). I know what I should do. I should forget about him and carry on with my life. It is easier said than done. I even know the techniques. That I should spend time with my husband and family, avoid time online, etc.. But I cannot get to do it. I am constantly checking emails from him, even though I know I will not be getting any. Because I told him not to.

More than getting replies, just writing about my problems here made me feel a bit better. But, if you have experienced something similar and have some advise for me, I would like to hear about it. Specially if you have any particular techniques that practically helped you to get out of the situation I would like to hear about it. I don't need textbook theory stuff.

Please do not reply to this message if you are here to judge me; As it is I am not feeling proud of myself. I am here for some help.

Masterplan

I don't actually have any advice for you, but your last comment made me want to reply. I certainly don't judge you, and I hope you are able to work through this. I appreciate your honesty in this as it is a hard thing to talk about! I wish you luck and hope you keep posting on here. There are MANY wonderful and supportive people around, and I'm guessing some of them may have experienced something at least somewhat similar! Take care.

Unfortunately I had a similar situation many years ago, except it wasn't a long distance relationship. We lived in the same neighborhood, and we worked in the same building, just doors from each other. I saw him VERY often, as he and his wife and my then husband and I were "close friends" and we often went out together. That's how things got started.

When I decided it HAD to stop, of course I told him, and I avoided him like the plague. As far as going out as couples, I just told my husband that I thought we were seeing too much of them and I was getting "bored' with them --- white lie, I know. I threw myself into my family, started some hobbies that I hadn't taken part in in many years, and just kept as busy as I could. It really helped. Time is a good healer! It wasn't long before I realized that what I THOUGHT was "love" really wasn't. It was really unhappiness at home -- and he was just "there." So I had some work to do at home.

I wish you the very best. Please take care of you -- perhaps counseling will help? Can't hurt. I went and it helped. God bless. Hugs, Lee

thanks dailyhealing for your kind words.

Thanks Lee. I think you are right. What I am feeling towards for him is not real love. Also I think he actually does not love me. Sometimes I feel that he is keeping me closer, in the view that it is better to keep your enemies closer, because I actually have so much of information about him and his girlfriend (including photos, etc.). I thought of seeing a counselor. I may be bit difficult to justify that to my husband as to why I need to take counseling.

I have not had communication in secret capacity with my brother-in-law close to a week. Feeling bit better, but sometimes feeling a really deep seated sadness within me, wanting so bad to talk to him.

Yes to Leed's advice. I was single and with a married man who then quit communicating with me. Fortunately I started a new job which "distracted" me some and later, met my now-husband.

It seems to me that long-distance/Internet affairs are a result of one's "real" life not being as fulfilling as one would want. I would take on a new real-world task and try to stay off the Internet altogether more than usual. I think there is a certain amount of technology addiction going on where have-computer-must-check-email rules?

if you want to stay in your marriage committment-then committ to it? i think some "affairs" exist cause one enjoys the secret thrill of it rather than loving the affair partner. just my thoughts.

Agree. In fact that is what is happening to me. By nature, I am an adventurous person. I like to be challenged and do out of the norm things. But my husband (married to him 9 years) is much more of a conservative and homely person. So I think more than anything what I am after is the 'thrill' and nothing else like having a serious relationship or getting together with the person that I have the affair with. The problem that I have right now is my addiction to that thrill, becuase there is nothing else exciting in my life.
Thanks for your thoughts.

Hello......It looks like I have a problem just like yours. I too am a married male that has been having an affair with a widow for the past two years. My wife knows of the affair and we both have known the lady for 50 years. I can't get her out of my mind....I am addicted to her...I am obsessed with her....I believe I have OCD and addicted to her sexually....I too find myself always looking for emails and text messages. I want out of this affair so bad but just can't do it. When I do try my anxiety levels are so bad that I can't even manage the day.....it is so bad......I think of her 24 hours a day...7 days a week......we live 40 miles apart......what can I do to get out of this.......