[isadora]

I been feeling sad confuse I just need to tell someone how I feel and whats going on.

So I been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and I'm 6 month pregnant. He doesnt like my family at all, he give me a decision to make it was either him or my family. I love him alot but I also love my family it kills me that he wants me to choose. I been stressing out I dont know what to do. My family has always been there for me. They have never turn there back on me when I told them I was pregnant, they have been supporting me. My boyfriend has also been there for me and through out the pregancy as well.
All I want is for him to at least try to get alone with my family. I dont know what to tell him.

[faerie_moon_x]

This is terrible!

No one should ever, ever, ever, EVER make you choose. No one should make you choose "either be my friend or their friend." No one should make you choose "me or your family." No one should make you choose!

This is an abusive statement: "you choose me or you family, and if you choose them I'll leave you." He can't isolate you away from your family. That's also an abusive behavior.

I know you love him. I know it is hard and you are pregnant. But he cannot make you choose. Tell him you will not choose. That is wrong of him. If he leaves you, then you must be strong. But, I have a feeling if you stand up to him it may cause a big fight and be scary. But maybe he will see. If not... well, then you have just escaped an abusive life.

[Leed]

I agree with Dark Heart --- He's being controlling. He CANNOT make you choose between him and your family. Your family came FIRST before HE was there, so your family will always be there. He won't. So do NOT go against your family. They are all that you really have! He's being very abusive by suggesting that you leave your family behind. I'd tell him to go fly a kite!

Tell him you will NOT choose. It's not fair for him to even ask that. And if he doesn't like it, he can just leave. I doubt he will. He probably has never had anyone stand up to him before. He sounds like a spoiled little boy.

Stay close to family. Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

[isadora]

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

This is terrible!

No one should ever, ever, ever, EVER make you choose. No one should make you choose "either be my friend or their friend." No one should make you choose "me or your family." No one should make you choose!

This is an abusive statement: "you choose me or you family, and if you choose them I'll leave you." He can't isolate you away from your family. That's also an abusive behavior.

I know you love him. I know it is hard and you are pregnant. But he cannot make you choose. Tell him you will not choose. That is wrong of him. If he leaves you, then you must be strong. But, I have a feeling if you stand up to him it may cause a big fight and be scary. But maybe he will see. If not... well, then you have just escaped an abusive life.

Thanks dark heart. I agree with you he cant put me in this position I'm scare to tell him what i feel about it cause i dont want to start a fight and not in my condition. I couldnt sleep all night i got so stress. I know if i would of put him in that position he would of chose his family over me.

[isadora]

Originally Posted by Leed

I agree with Dark Heart --- He's being controlling. He CANNOT make you choose between him and your family. Your family came FIRST before HE was there, so your family will always be there. He won't. So do NOT go against your family. They are all that you really have! He's being very abusive by suggesting that you leave your family behind. I'd tell him to go fly a kite!

Tell him you will NOT choose. It's not fair for him to even ask that. And if he doesn't like it, he can just leave. I doubt he will. He probably has never had anyone stand up to him before. He sounds like a spoiled little boy.

Stay close to family. Best of luck & God bless. Hugs, Lee

Thanks Leed. I just what the best for my baby. I know one day he might leave me and the only people ima have is my baby and my family.
It hurts me deeply that he even told me that. I'm hoping me and him can work something out cause at the end the only one thats going to suffer is our daughter

I agree with dark heart and Leed your boyfriend shouldn't be making you choose between your family and himself, Why doesn't he like your family anyway?

[isadora]

Originally Posted by Kittyclaws

I agree with dark heart and Leed your boyfriend shouldn't be making you choose between your family and himself, Why doesn't he like your family anyway?

He doesnt like them because he says that there nosiy people. He got mad cause his parents just found out we are having a baby and cause it was my sister fault, that his parents know. I'm 6 months and he didnt told his parents about it. it hurt me that he didnt had the guts to tell his parents about it

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by isadora

He doesnt like them because he says that there nosiy people. He got mad cause his parents just found out we are having a baby and cause it was my sister fault, that his parents know. I'm 6 months and he didnt told his parents about it. it hurt me that he didnt had the guts to tell his parents about it

Here's another thing about relationships.... if you keep your relationship and what happens in it totally secret from everyone, that's not healthy. Maybe he had a reason to not want to tell them, but you have to tell them eventually. It's a baby! Maybe they are upset at first, but except in extremely abusive situations grandparents usually come around.

[isadora]

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

Here's another thing about relationships.... if you keep your relationship and what happens in it totally secret from everyone, that's not healthy. Maybe he had a reason to not want to tell them, but you have to tell them eventually. It's a baby! Maybe they are upset at first, but except in extremely abusive situations grandparents usually come around.

Well it seems he wants us to have more like private life. And for the grandparents i think they are upset cause he didnt tell them right away. It wasnt my fault i kept telling my boyfriend to tell them but he would always tell me later and later He promised me he was going to tell them in feb but he didnt then he told me in march and nothing. I got tried of telling him over and over but he never listened to me. Right now he's not even talking to me just because what happen that his parents already know.

[Harley47]

I don't mean any disrespect towards you or your boyfriend, but...well, how on earth did he intend to keep the baby secret once born? That seems...odd, to me.

At any rate, I am sorry. It is absolutely unfair of him to "make" you choose between your family and him, and honestly incredibly childish. You don't need stress like that during your pregnancy.

It's not his place to make you choose...a stable relationship doesn't work like that. If I were you, I would tell him that. How would he feel if put in the same ultimatum?

I hope you two will be able to work this out, and congratulations on becoming a parent!

[isadora]

Originally Posted by Harley47

I don't mean any disrespect towards you or your boyfriend, but...well, how on earth did he intend to keep the baby secret once born? That seems...odd, to me.

At any rate, I am sorry. It is absolutely unfair of him to "make" you choose between your family and him, and honestly incredibly childish. You don't need stress like that during your pregnancy.

It's not his place to make you choose...a stable relationship doesn't work like that. If I were you, I would tell him that. How would he feel if put in the same ultimatum?

I hope you two will be able to work this out, and congratulations on becoming a parent!

Thank you for your advice. I know i dont get why he would want to keep our baby in secret to me it hurts cause i think about it every night why in earth he would do that, a baby is a bless we both are HAPPY about our baby. I dont know whats going on inside his mind.
Thanks for the Congratulations

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by isadora

Well it seems he wants us to have more like private life. And for the grandparents i think they are upset cause he didnt tell them right away. It wasnt my fault i kept telling my boyfriend to tell them but he would always tell me later and later He promised me he was going to tell them in feb but he didnt then he told me in march and nothing. I got tried of telling him over and over but he never listened to me. Right now he's not even talking to me just because what happen that his parents already know.

I'm sorry to say but I know what it is to have someone who gets mad over totally unreasonable things. Having a "private life" does not mean that you keep your baby a secret. That's ridiculous. I see you saying "it wasn't my fault." That really rings a bell in me. I know what it is to be in a relationship where everything is "my fault." I'm going to tell you that if you're in that situation, it isn't going to get better. It is going to get worse and it's exhausting.

This is a situation where I think you don't have a partner. You have a person who may be controling. I'm sorry, but you're right. Even if he doesn't physically leave you, the only people you're going to have for help is probably your family. If you cut them out, that would be a bad idea.

[isadora]

Originally Posted by dark_heart_x

I'm sorry to say but I know what it is to have someone who gets mad over totally unreasonable things. Having a "private life" does not mean that you keep your baby a secret. That's ridiculous. I see you saying "it wasn't my fault." That really rings a bell in me. I know what it is to be in a relationship where everything is "my fault." I'm going to tell you that if you're in that situation, it isn't going to get better. It is going to get worse and it's exhausting.

This is a situation where I think you don't have a partner. You have a person who may be controling. I'm sorry, but you're right. Even if he doesn't physically leave you, the only people you're going to have for help is probably your family. If you cut them out, that would be a bad idea.

Yes we always fight and he says its my fault cause i dont listen to him. And i'm really getting tried of all this. And right now we been arguing more because im way to sensitive because of the pregnancy.
And i really dont want to cut my family they always been there for me when i told them i was pregnant.

[Harley47]

Might I ask, is him accusing it of being you fault for "not listening" the norm? Maybe it's just me, but I see that as a bit of a red flag for controlling behavior....

[Zenster]

He sounds abusive for certain and they only get worse with age. Stand up for yourself or ask for couples counseling so this can be resolved.

Be well! Don't let him operate from a one up mindset.

[dailyhealing]

I mean no disrespect also, but he does sound very controlling and unhealthy. I am curious about this whole idea of private, not sure what that means. But if it means keeping secrets that is likely a major problem! I didn't read every single post in this thread, so I apologize if you already said this, but have you talked to him about it being unfair to put you in this position. If he is unwilling to have conversations with you about how you feel then that will be a big problem long term and not good for your coming child. You find yourself in a rough spot, I am glad you are here posting about it! I hope you are able to find some resolution!

[isadora]

Originally Posted by Harley47

Might I ask, is him accusing it of being you fault for "not listening" the norm? Maybe it's just me, but I see that as a bit of a red flag for controlling behavior....

Yes he says i dont listen to him that i make simple things difficult. He says i dont do things he's way.

[isadora]

Originally Posted by dailyhealing

I mean no disrespect also, but he does sound very controlling and unhealthy. I am curious about this whole idea of private, not sure what that means. But if it means keeping secrets that is likely a major problem! I didn't read every single post in this thread, so I apologize if you already said this, but have you talked to him about it being unfair to put you in this position. If he is unwilling to have conversations with you about how you feel then that will be a big problem long term and not good for your coming child. You find yourself in a rough spot, I am glad you are here posting about it! I hope you are able to find some resolution!

I know i need to talk to him so we can come to an agreement cause i dont want to put our baby in that position.

[isadora]

Originally Posted by Zenster

He sounds abusive for certain and they only get worse with age. Stand up for yourself or ask for couples counseling so this can be resolved.

Be well! Don't let him operate from a one up mindset.

thanks i really hope things get resolve soon all this is making me stress and im very tried of it

[Harley47]

I don't like the way he accuses you of doing things wrong for not doing things "his way." That is controlling behavior.

Do you think he might consider couples counseling? Him attempting to control you isn't healthy, and you don't need the additional stress whatsoever while pregnant.

[isadora]

Originally Posted by Harley47

I don't like the way he accuses you of doing things wrong for not doing things "his way." That is controlling behavior.

Do you think he might consider couples counseling? Him attempting to control you isn't healthy, and you don't need the additional stress whatsoever while pregnant.

I doubt he will want some couple counseling if we cant come with a solution it would be best if we break up, but im also thinking of my baby she needs her dad with us

I'm over stress with alot of things going on right now

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by isadora

I doubt he will want some couple counseling if we cant come with a solution it would be best if we break up, but im also thinking of my baby she needs her dad with us

I'm over stress with alot of things going on right now

I am going to tell you the #1 thing that you need to know about having a baby.....

Yes, he is the baby's "father" but that doesn't necessarily mean that he is going to be the baby's "dad."

"She needs her dad with us." Does she need the right to know her father? Yes. Does that mean that you need to be with him as a girlfriend/wife? No. A child does not need to grow up with one parent abusing the other.

Now, this is hard for me because I am starting to think my husband might be abusive, which kills me. Because I love him to the depths of my soul. He's not only acting abusive, but an addict, which also kills me. I have two kids with him. So my advice to you is this.... Go now. Go now before the baby is born. Go now while you're family can still take you back. Go now before you are crushed so low below his boot heels that you can barely get out of bed. I've dug myself into a hole so deep, I don't know which way is up anymore... and getting out is so much harder

Give him the rights to see his daughter. Give him the chance to be "dad." But there is no shame in someday finding someone else who will love you and treat you with respect and treat your daughter well. By doing this you are thinking of your baby.