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View Poll Results: Is it OK for a 45 year old man to date a 20-year-old woman?
Yes 59 59.00%
Yes
59 59.00%
No 41 41.00%
No
41 41.00%
Voters: 100. You may not vote on this poll

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  #51  
Old Jun 29, 2014, 01:34 PM
wajula wajula is offline
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That's a huge age gap.... Ultimately it's up to you guys.. But I really think that down the line you guys will bump heads because of the age difference

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  #52  
Old Nov 15, 2014, 11:13 PM
bea1990 bea1990 is offline
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Im only attracted to women who are 15 to 20 years older. Its never worked out for longer than a year.
Im a 24 year old woman. I think it can work if your both on the same page.
  #53  
Old Nov 15, 2014, 11:24 PM
Tommo Tommo is offline
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The operative word in the title is "date"...not "marry".

I'm 8.5 years older than my wife. Looking at friends and others...I'd say 8 or 10 years is about the limit for a long term relationship. Bear in mind that statistics show women living longer...so a lot of loneliness will hit any woman down the road apiece.

People need to stay on top of their health. That's all I can really say about it.
Thanks for this!
hamster-bamster
  #54  
Old Nov 16, 2014, 02:27 AM
Shadix Shadix is offline
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I can write an entire essay on why it is ok and why people who say it isn't are just narrow minded bigots, but I'll keep it short.

There is no logical reason why it is wrong for a 45 year old to date a 20 year old. The reason people have a problem with it is the same reason people have a problem with homosexuality. A lot of it also has to do with people's automatic assumption that women are weak and fragile and men are always looking to take advantage of them. Most people who would hate a 45 year old man for dating a 20 year old girl would not have the same problem with a 45 year old woman who dates a 20 year old guy. They will probably claim they do just for the sake of not being sexist, but they don't. Many dads will openly admit that they would never want their daughter dating an older man but would be ok with their son dating an older woman. Double standards are a pretty good indication that a person's logic is based on prejudice and ignorance.

Sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings, but quite frankly I think that holding these prejudice views and judging people based on them can be pretty hurtful to those people. So maybe you should rethink your position.
  #55  
Old Nov 16, 2014, 02:35 AM
hamster-bamster hamster-bamster is offline
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Tommo's good catch was that respondents tended to discuss marriage with that big of an age range; OP only asked about dating.

Just for dating, I cannot even see why not - I do not understand why the question is being asked. For marriage, sure, there are issues of health, frailty, the woman's ending up alone in her golden years, and a host of others, but OP asked about dating. So...

-- yes, it is OK, and I regret not dating a particular guy who was 20+ years older than me when I was in my early 20s. I regret marrying my age peer instead. The older guy is a much more interesting person. Note that I regret not dating him - I do NOT regret not marrying him. He has made quite a name for himself and a large following and did eventually get married, but quite late in life; I am FB-friendly with him but I no longer particularly like him or his work, but when he was young (40+ is young), he was intriguing enough and his work back then was stellar (he is a public person and by work I mean what he says on TV). So I only regret not dating him, because back then dating him would have been a very nice and age appropriate experience for me; I do not regret not marrying him. I do not rrrrreally regret, though, as I love the son who was born in my marriage to an age peer, but since you asked for why's and why not's, here is my vote for "go ahead" with this and play it by ear.
  #56  
Old Nov 16, 2014, 02:41 AM
Tommo Tommo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shadix View Post
I can write an entire essay on why it is ok and why people who say it isn't are just narrow minded bigots, but I'll keep it short.

There is no logical reason why it is wrong for a 45 year old to date a 20 year old. The reason people have a problem with it is the same reason people have a problem with homosexuality. A lot of it also has to do with people's automatic assumption that women are weak and fragile and men are always looking to take advantage of them. Most people who would hate a 45 year old man for dating a 20 year old girl would not have the same problem with a 45 year old woman who dates a 20 year old guy. They will probably claim they do just for the sake of not being sexist, but they don't. Many dads will openly admit that they would never want their daughter dating an older man but would be ok with their son dating an older woman. Double standards are a pretty good indication that a person's logic is based on prejudice and ignorance.

Sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings, but quite frankly I think that holding these prejudice views and judging people based on them can be pretty hurtful to those people. So maybe you should rethink your position.
Much of what you wrote are extrapolations made from no source that I know of...but the fact remains that the thread title said "date" and not "marry". These are two different things, altogether. The "hit & run" in dating is exceedingly different than marriage. With the fellow past a few years older than the lady...she's going to spend an inordinate amount of time as a widow.

Parenthetically...how do you say it's the same reason people have with homosexuality? I've read that part a few times and I have no clue what you mean by that...

Here's a parting joke:

This 75 year old cashed up rich guy married a 22 year old model. His friend asks how he ever managed to convince her to marry him. "Told her I was ninety!!!"

Cheers.....
Thanks for this!
hamster-bamster
  #57  
Old Nov 16, 2014, 02:49 AM
hamster-bamster hamster-bamster is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tommo View Post
Here's a parting joke:

This 75 year old cashed up rich guy married a 22 year old model. His friend asks how he ever managed to convince her to marry him. "Told her I was ninety!!!"

Cheers.....
This is precious. Thank you.
  #58  
Old Nov 16, 2014, 03:00 AM
Shadix Shadix is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tommo View Post
Much of what you wrote are extrapolations made from no source that I know of...but the fact remains that the thread title said "date" and not "marry". These are two different things, altogether. The "hit & run" in dating is exceedingly different than marriage. With the fellow past a few years older than the lady...she's going to spend an inordinate amount of time as a widow.

Parenthetically...how do you say it's the same reason people have with homosexuality? I've read that part a few times and I have no clue what you mean by that...

Here's a parting joke:

This 75 year old cashed up rich guy married a 22 year old model. His friend asks how he ever managed to convince her to marry him. "Told her I was ninety!!!"

Cheers.....
Just like with homosexuality, people have a problem with it based entirely on the fact that it deviates from their idea of how people should live their lives and they cannot come up with a single logical argument as to why it is morally wrong. As a result, they either make up bs arguments for why they oppose it or they avoid logical debates altogether.
  #59  
Old Nov 16, 2014, 03:44 AM
Tommo Tommo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shadix View Post
Just like with homosexuality, people have a problem with it based entirely on the fact that it deviates from their idea of how people should live their lives and they cannot come up with a single logical argument as to why it is morally wrong. As a result, they either make up bs arguments for why they oppose it or they avoid logical debates altogether.
And...

As a result, they either make up bs arguments for why they agree with it or they avoid logical debates altogether.

It cuts both ways.
  #60  
Old Nov 16, 2014, 05:58 AM
Shadix Shadix is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tommo View Post
And...

As a result, they either make up bs arguments for why they agree with it or they avoid logical debates altogether.

It cuts both ways.
It's not really an issue of "agreeing" with it, it's more about accepting and respecting it. I am not saying it is BETTER for men to date much younger women or that everyone should do it. I am simply saying that there is no reason why people who do choose to do that should be shamed or ridiculed. Therefore, I am not responsible for presenting any arguments. It is those who believe this practice is wrong who are responsible for presenting logical arguments as to why it is so. If they cannot present any, then my position is correct. Just like people are innocent until proven guilty, a behavior is ok until proven otherwise. Nobody has ever shown me any scientific data which suggests that it is unhealthy for young women to have dating experiences or even serious relationships with much older men.
  #61  
Old Nov 16, 2014, 06:38 AM
Tommo Tommo is offline
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I'm dealing with the thread as it is written. Watching this thread meander doesn't address the question. Dating isn't a serious relationship. Nobody is committed to anything other than just that...dating. It's hit & run. As far as that goes...I don't see any detriment to the age difference.
  #62  
Old Nov 16, 2014, 08:20 AM
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doyoutrustme doyoutrustme is offline
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No. There is something very disturbing about that kind of pairing. A 20 year old is still in the final stages of cognitive development and is being taken advantage of by a man who who is very likely drawn to her because he wants a youthful body. This is not a relationship that should be long term.
Thanks for this!
Creamsickle
  #63  
Old Nov 16, 2014, 08:33 AM
ifst5 ifst5 is offline
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A therapist will only have a personal opinion which to be honest they're not really allowed to share - therapy is about reserving judgment and working on a persons difficulties regardless of whether a situation is 'right' or 'wrong.'

Is there anything inherently wrong about a man of that age dating a 20 year old? Well no, i mean they're of the legal age of consent, they're old enough to be responsible for their own decisions - though how much is something that usually gets better with experience.

My concerns would be focused more on the level of compatability - what would you have in common? What are the shared interests? What are their long term expectations? I think as long as you're realistic about your own expectations and respectful of theirs i don't really see the harm. 20 years olds aren't stupid - not enough credit is given to young adults in my view. They have a responsibility for their actions just as much as you do. It's not always a case of daddy issues or a want for a sugar daddy. Younger people are capable of sincerity.

I hope this is vageuly helpful. Good luck.
  #64  
Old Nov 16, 2014, 08:34 AM
Creamsickle Creamsickle is offline
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I agree with Doyoutrustme above. The man is the one who is getting what he wants out of this relationship. Especially if he never marries her. Dating is not serious until it gets long term. Long term is not beneficial to a young woman who has not had the advantage of time and varying partners as her 45 yr old bf has had. If she wants children, that may be another blow to her if the 45 yr old has his own grown children and is not planning on any more. This is a losing situation for the woman, even though she may not see it that way. 20 is a tender young age. I just see this as a man taking advantage in the long run. Sometimes a relationship like this just has to run its course. Both people have to exhaust their deep rooted needs until reality sets in, and eventually it will.
  #65  
Old Nov 16, 2014, 10:04 AM
Randle McMurphy Randle McMurphy is offline
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a 40 year old woman dating a 20 year old man is affectionately thought of as a "cougar" by society.
a 40 year old man dating a 20 year old woman is thought of as a pervert/creep by society.
Thanks for this!
lizardlady, Shadix
  #66  
Old Nov 16, 2014, 10:38 AM
Anonymous100168
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I am a 45 woman and my son is 19 years old I can not even imagine even dating a 20 year old , but what ever as long as your both adults then go for it.
  #67  
Old Nov 16, 2014, 01:08 PM
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lizardlady lizardlady is offline
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If the two people are happy with the relationship I don't see a problem. I believe they would need to be prepared to deal with negative reactions from others though. Look at some of the responses in this thread.
Thanks for this!
hamster-bamster, Shadix
  #68  
Old Nov 16, 2014, 02:20 PM
Shadix Shadix is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Creamsickle View Post
I agree with Doyoutrustme above. The man is the one who is getting what he wants out of this relationship. Especially if he never marries her. Dating is not serious until it gets long term. Long term is not beneficial to a young woman who has not had the advantage of time and varying partners as her 45 yr old bf has had. If she wants children, that may be another blow to her if the 45 yr old has his own grown children and is not planning on any more. This is a losing situation for the woman, even though she may not see it that way. 20 is a tender young age. I just see this as a man taking advantage in the long run. Sometimes a relationship like this just has to run its course. Both people have to exhaust their deep rooted needs until reality sets in, and eventually it will.

What if neither partner is looking for anything long-term? What if the girl is just attracted to the guy and wants to have a fling? That is the age where people generally play the field and experiment in terms of dating, so wouldn't that actually make perfect sense? How would the man be taking advantage in that case? She is getting exactly what she wants. It is just as likely she is taking advantage of the guy.

And it's interesting you should bring up "varying partners". So you are essentially saying that a young woman should not settle down until she has gotten a chance to play the field? Well I am 26 and I haven't dated anyone yet. Literally 0 dating experience. So am I justified in not wanting to settle down and only wanting to play the field? Because whenever a guy my age admits this, women start foaming at the mouth and calling him immature, shallow, narcissistic, etc. So why is it that a woman is entitled to her share of partners while a man isn't?

Last edited by Shadix; Nov 16, 2014 at 02:59 PM.
  #69  
Old Nov 16, 2014, 03:47 PM
Shadix Shadix is offline
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Also, everyone is basing things on the fact that the 45 year old man has tons of dating experience and the 20 year old has very little. Here's a twist, what if the 45 year old man had NO dating experience? Idk, lets say he was a prisoner of war in a foreign country for 20 years. And lets say the 20 year old has been dating and sleeping around since she was 16. What then?
  #70  
Old Nov 16, 2014, 08:21 PM
hamster-bamster hamster-bamster is offline
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Originally Posted by doyoutrustme View Post
No. There is something very disturbing about that kind of pairing. A 20 year old is still in the final stages of cognitive development and is being taken advantage of by a man who who is very likely drawn to her because he wants a youthful body. This is not a relationship that should be long term.
We do not know what this particular man is drawn to (not there is anything wrong in being drawn to a youthful body per se). We also do not know how cognitively mature this particular 20 year old is. I mean - she is 20, not 15. She can serve in the Army, for crying out loud. She can vote. So we grant that a person is mature enough to vote and serve in the Army, but not select her dating partner herself. ???

I think that being paternalistic to young women (saying that they are cognitively immature and cannot determine what they want from life is paternalistic) makes them more and not less prone to being taken advantage.
  #71  
Old Nov 16, 2014, 08:25 PM
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doyoutrustme doyoutrustme is offline
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I'm talking biologically. The age of consent is based on outdated knowledge.

http://m.bbc.com/news/magazine-24173194
http://psychcentral.com/news/2011/09...ood/29719.html
  #72  
Old Nov 16, 2014, 08:29 PM
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krisakira krisakira is offline
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Since the last time I posted on this thread, we did get married, my husband is now 50 years old and I am 26. He will be 51 in January. We have a healthy relationship, never fight, everything's going smooth...
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Is it OK for a 45 year old man to date a 20-year-old woman?

Is it OK for a 45 year old man to date a 20-year-old woman?
  #73  
Old Nov 16, 2014, 08:31 PM
hamster-bamster hamster-bamster is offline
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Originally Posted by Creamsickle View Post
I agree with Doyoutrustme above. The man is the one who is getting what he wants out of this relationship. Especially if he never marries her. Dating is not serious until it gets long term. Long term is not beneficial to a young woman who has not had the advantage of time and varying partners as her 45 yr old bf has had. If she wants children, that may be another blow to her if the 45 yr old has his own grown children and is not planning on any more. This is a losing situation for the woman, even though she may not see it that way. 20 is a tender young age. I just see this as a man taking advantage in the long run. Sometimes a relationship like this just has to run its course. Both people have to exhaust their deep rooted needs until reality sets in, and eventually it will.
Why do you think that the woman gets nothing of this relationship? Are you also paternalistic towards young women? A young woman can get a ton of this kind of relationship - exposure to a large social circle if the older man is well connected and with good social skills; hopefully an attentive, patient, and caring sexual partner; opportunities to travel if he is able to provide them; seeing the world from a different angle from being with the 40 year old man and mingling with his contacts; more finesse; more polish, etc. Faster intellectual maturation; having a wider circle of interests; reading books and watching movies that her peers might not have watched because they have not been in the social circle of 40-somethings.

This is just a short list. But, for all of that, the man needs to be confident. I am not sure OP is necessarily confident given that he posted the poll instead of just trusting his best judgment. I might be reading more to it than there is, though; maybe OP is genuinely interested in conducting a poll of public opinion. Reading the divergent opinions on this thread has definitely illuminated how touchy the issue is.
  #74  
Old Nov 16, 2014, 08:32 PM
hamster-bamster hamster-bamster is offline
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Originally Posted by krisakira View Post
Since the last time I posted on this thread, we did get married, my husband is now 50 years old and I am 26. He will be 51 in January. We have a healthy relationship, never fight, everything's going smooth...
Congrats, Kris! May things continue well for you - have a smooth sailing!
  #75  
Old Nov 16, 2014, 08:33 PM
Shadix Shadix is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by doyoutrustme View Post
I'm talking biologically. The age of consent is based on outdated knowledge.

Is 25 the new cut-off point for adulthood? - BBC News
Brain Wiring Continues Into Young Adulthood | Psych Central News
So are you suggesting we make 25 the new age of consent and start putting 30 year old men in jail for sleeping with 24 year olds?
Thanks for this!
hamster-bamster
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