Abandoned

I've been in a relationship but I haven't seen him for 3 full weeks. We do live in the same city, he knows my address, my phone number, my e-mail- and still I'm all alone. Three weeks? I don't know what I did wrong. It was him who said 'I want a relationship with you', I'm not making that up, I had him in bed saying that. I stopped cutting and burning myself for him, now I gladly returned to both. I can't eve inform him I'm breaking up with him because what, 'We shouldn't see each other?' We're not anyway! I feel like a total idiot. And people make it clear I should be grateful he even looked at me cos I'm a filthy rape victim. The fact that he didn't force me to have sex with him makes him a perfect guy whereas I'm the guilty one, ungrateful cold *****. I was happy living on my own, I don't need other people to feel good, but now I feel awful because it seemed to be ok and I destroyed it unknowingly. Now I'm all alone in the dorm, listening to 'Someone like you' (I don't even like Adele!), crying and cursing myself for believing a guy. I should've known better, men cannot be trusted and I'm a stupid disgusting ***** whom no one would love. I thought I could once in my life be like a normal girl of my age, nope, I can't

awww you have been through so much. dont talk down about yourself based on things you couldnt control.

Bathony...please, that's not true. You're far from the things you've said about yourself...you're not to blame if he stopped contacting you. That is on him, and only him. It's nothing that you've done. Please, try not to return to self injury. That's not a good way to handle this, and you can run the risk of infection in the wounds.

Do you have any way to contact him at all? What was your last contact with him?

Please know I'm here if you need me...you can PM me at anytime.

Bathony,

Nobody's perfect, right? Right.

So, why can't this entire issue be your (ex) boyfriend's problem? Maybe he's not good at tending to his relationships, and they fall apart. That's not your fault. If he looks down upon you for the pain that you've been through in life, than he surely doesn't deserve your love and sympathy.

Maybe you should stay away from men until you have developed a little bit of self-acceptance. Instead, jump into your studies, artwork, or volunteerism for a while. You'll develop some skills and not an absolute sense of self-hatred and disgust 100% of the time. You do deserve better ~ believe it or not. Yes, you do.

none of this are your fault, but have you try to contact him ?and asking why?

I wanted to find out if I can be in a relationship, have consentual sex and not freak out, let someone be close. I was so close finding out these things but it's over. I don't understand, I don't know what went wrong. I have a new roommate, so when she told me she would be out the last weekend, I texted him. It was Thursday. I don't wanna him to think I'm a clingy girlfriend who keeps on texting a guy till he dies. I wonder when he would finally contact me. At least I can carry on my self-injury and no one asks questions. I don't know what I did wrong. I tried, really tried.

Look at yourself, not him. You tried. That's what matters. Yes, we might have say that you "lost", but if you don't try, you never win, but always stay "lost". Look at yourself, and see that you tried! That means you can do it. He couldn't. Try again .

Please take advantage of the counseling that is available at your school. And please keep in mind that your self-esteem is not dependent on what faithless men or other people say. Men in college are often still boys who have figured out a few tricks to get girls to give them what they want. You deserve better.

Err, college, school? What made you think I go to college? I study at the Adam Mickiewicz University (no bell ringing, I know, but the name is so fancy), we don't have here any counselling. Did I sound so immature? I'm getting my MA degree in a year, I'm 23.

And people make it clear I should be grateful he even looked at me cos I'm a filthy rape victim. The fact that he didn't force me to have sex with him makes him a perfect guy whereas I'm the guilty one, ungrateful cold *****.

I'm curious about those people who think you should be grateful to be having consensual sex with a guy. I certainly hope these are not friends of yours! This guy is definitely not perfect but sometimes relationships just don't work out. He may be one of those guys who just disappears (some do, they just can't handle confrontation) but you shouldn't blame yourself for his failings. Honestly, until you find the relationship that does work, they will all end in some way or another...and, you may go through a bunch of them. At 23, you are not kid. BUT, you are still young and there is NOTHING wrong with you if you don't have a boyfriend. For Pete's sake, you're working on your masters and probably have tons of other stuff going on....I'm not sure how recently the rape happened, but it may not be your time to date...it may be time to just focus on yourself and getting as healthy as you can be....

I did not mean to offend you. In the US, the words college and university are sometimes used to mean the same thing. I meant young men of your age in a university setting.

Arr, that's exactly the point, I was abused from 1994 to 2004, so I finally wanted to have someone! I was one of those sad lonely teens who never have friends and never date. All normal teens do have friends and do date, I want my stolen normal adolescence. I'm less experienced than my students. I moved last year from my home town, now I live in a big city, I want all the perks. But apparently I made some mistakes, I'm hideous and repelling. Well, at least I don't have to worry about telling him about the abuse or fainting during the intercourse, now I can come back to being an antisocial weirdo, and cry cry cry

With such long standing abuse (from age 5 to 15?), I don't know how possible it will be to get back your stolen adolescence. But when you do find someone (and you will), he will have to be the type of man that deserves you. He will be the man whom you can tell about the abuse and who will take things at your speed. It is always better (regardless of abuse) to have someone who matches you well than to just settle for anyone. Honestly, I didn't date in my teens (by the way, I really don't think there is such a thing as a "normal teen") and only really had serious boyfriends in my 20s. Before that point, I found that the men I was meeting really were not mature enough to handle a serious relationship. And, I also made mistakes. I probably scared away plenty of good, mature guys due to my own issues. Honestly, at any age, it's really about trial and error...what makes two people a good match is not definable...that's why there is an entire forum here devoted to relationships and communication....WE ALL struggle with relationships...romantic, familial, platonic friendships....

Why do you think you're hideous and repelling....?

Oh, yes, yes, sorry for generalising. I do divide people into the ones like me, sexually abused and the rest that I label as 'normal' or 'normal-ish', regardless of their issues- just because they haven't experienced that kind of abuse. I know one issue doesn't compare to another but I don't care.

I'm struggling with several things labelled as self-injury, that doesn't make me less ugly, no doubt. I still have acne and that destroyes my self-esteem. Doctors didn't help. I'm fat and the exercising and diet didn't help. I'm 1,55 m and I look like a 14-year-old, everyone says that. The fact that I look like a teen, given the circumstances, makes me furious. And about repelling- I do have my issues about intimacy, I'm more than scared of that thing, that ex of mine must have thought I'm a virgin. Anyway, it's all just pointless, I should have died, I'll never have anything back, my life is destroyed for good.

I don't think that's true Bathony. You're still very young, and you have plenty of time.

I know acne sucks...I get frequent outbreaks on my back and chest, around the shoulders. I'm fortunate it's not visible, but it's still very embarrassing. What worked (as in it lessened the outbreaks) was drinking more water over things like soda, and I highly recommend Noxzema acne pads. I swear by those things.

As far as your appearance goes, I can guarantee you that you'll be able to find someone who appreciates you, not what you "should" look like, if that makes a bit of sense. A man who would ask you to change yourself for him isn't worthy of you, period.

And Bathony...given your past, it is completely, totally normal of you to be afraid of intimacy. That is not at all uncommon. Please don't beat yourself up over that.

I don't know how much help I can offer, but if I can do anything, please let me know. My PM box is open all the time, and I don't mind talking or at the very least being there to listen. I only ask that you be patient with me in the coming few weeks if you take my offer. I'm starting work, and I don't know what to expect.

Please take care Bathony. Hope to hear from you soon.