[jaypop30]

So wife wants a divorce and I don't, she says I disgust her, and that she is no longer in love with me. I told her that I would honor her feelings if she wants a divorce all she would have to do is fill out the paper work. I even went down to the court house to get the papers for her. This was a month ago and paper work still sitting on the table untouched. If she says she hates me that much why doesn't she go then.

[Leed]

Perhaps she wants YOU to fill out the paperwork. I would NOt do it. Let HER file if she wants it so badly. OR she might be changing her mind too. Maybe she's thinking she spoke too fast. But don't YOU fill it out. If she wants it, let HER fill it out and leave. YOU stay where you are. YOU don't have to leave the house because she wants the divorce. So she should be the one to leave -- you don't have to.

I wish you the very best. I know this is a difficult time for you. Hang in there. God bless and PLEASE take care of yourself. Hugs, Lee

[jaypop30]

I won't fill it out and stand my ground on that one by telling her so.

[Confusedinomicon]

I just read on a differet topic that the person who files has an advantage in the divorce. If you want to keep most assets and dont want her to use her gender for an advantage I would file. It seems that there have been a few guys posting that are going through a divorce where the wife wants to maintain he r old lifestyle but does not have the skillset to maintain a high paying job. (im generalizing and realize this is not always true) If I were you, I would atleast get a second bank account and have you check go there. Then put enough money to pay bills in the shared. It honestly makes no sense to share income if she wants out. If you go through courts they often make you pay child support and living maintaince anyways. I think she may hate you but realize you can still provide her with security.

[Suki22]

Confused has very valid points. you need to protect yourself financially.

so, was this out of the clear blue or have you been having problems for a long time? how long have you been married? have you been to couples' counseling? on one hand, it sounds like she has her mind made up but perhaps she was just threatening it? it's odd she's sat on the papers this long...unless she's already filing papers with a lawyer without telling you. is that possible?

[jaypop30]

Originally Posted by Suki22

Confused has very valid points. you need to protect yourself financially.

so, was this out of the clear blue or have you been having problems for a long time? how long have you been married? have you been to couples' counseling? on one hand, it sounds like she has her mind made up but perhaps she was just threatening it? it's odd she's sat on the papers this long...unless she's already filing papers with a lawyer without telling you. is that possible?

We have been married for Three years but have known each other for ten years. I really didn't think our relationship was that bad. She had dmention somethings to me about being distant and not sharing my feelings. Which I have decided to go to counseling and got on meds to stableixe myself. I realize that it will fix some stuff but not all and that I need to work on some stuff. I don't feel she is going behind my back with fileing with a lawyer because well I am the only one that works and we couldn't afford that. On the note of couple counseling well she wanted to go about a year ago but had a couple of things running through my mind at the time. One I didn't see the need or that we or I had a problem. Two sehe confided in me that the counsler she was seeing told her to divorce me which I in turn told her I fel that going to this counsler I would feel ganged up on and felt uncomfortable about the whole thing. Now a year later I am suggesting that we go to couple counseling and she says she doesn't want to go because I didn't want to go with her in the past. Its just seems all a mess. I know I am not a perfect man and have tons of faults, but at least I do love her and want to make this work.

[sunrise]

She's probably not filing because she's ambivalent. It's a huge step. It's hard, even for the spouse who wants out of the marriage. You said you wanted to stay in the marriage. How about initiating a conversation with your wife on that? You can tell her you've noticed that she hasn't done the paperwork and ask if that's because she's unsure. Maybe there is some hope after all if she's not rushing to file. Maybe lean harder on the marriage counseling idea. After all, if she's not filing, then she is not in a big rush. Maybe there is space and hope to try to work things out. In counseling, your wife and you can learn to communicate better, express feelings, etc.

I got divorced a few years ago. My XH and I filed jointly. We didn't rush to the courthouse. We'd been together years, no need to tear everything up on a moment's notice. It can be hard enough to get divorced without feeling rushed and steamrolled. Even when one person wants out and the other doesn't, it is hard on both of them. Good luck to you, jaypop.

[jaypop30]

Originally Posted by sunrise

She's probably not filing because she's ambivalent. It's a huge step. It's hard, even for the spouse who wants out of the marriage. You said you wanted to stay in the marriage. How about initiating a conversation with your wife on that? You can tell her you've noticed that she hasn't done the paperwork and ask if that's because she's unsure. Maybe there is some hope after all if she's not rushing to file. Maybe lean harder on the marriage counseling idea. After all, if she's not filing, then she is not in a big rush. Maybe there is space and hope to try to work things out. In counseling, your wife and you can learn to communicate better, express feelings, etc.

I got divorced a few years ago. My XH and I filed jointly. We didn't rush to the courthouse. We'd been together years, no need to tear everything up on a moment's notice. It can be hard enough to get divorced without feeling rushed and steamrolled. Even when one person wants out and the other doesn't, it is hard on both of them. Good luck to you, jaypop.

Tried asking her about that papers this morning on what she wants to do. She said she wanted to go throught the divorce instead of working it out. So I replied okshared a liitle bit on how I felt about it but said I would honor her decision on the matter. Five hours latter she states that she wants it to work out only if she can trust me. She thinkd and feels that I have cheated on her and that is a deffinent NO on my side. The hard thing is she believes it so much that she lloks for everything that could mean that I have cheated on her. For example I had to go on a business tripand when I got back she asked me why I had two empty pepsi bottles in my car I said one for the trip down the other on the way back. Then today she found a cig but on the ground which are not the ones I smoke and questioned me about that. Of course I don't have any explination on this matter except that perhaps someone else who has lived here before smoked those, but she still looks at me as if I am liengto her because she believes that I am cheating. I am about ready to scream and leave on just the fact of being accused of something I have not done.

[sunrise]

If you want to work it out, jaypop, it sounds like there is an opening there. She wants to work it out too. I think it would be absolutely GREAT if you laid down a boundary on this. You could say you can't tolerate being distrusted like this and the only way to work that out would be for the two of you to go to marriage counseling with a neutral therapist. If she really wants to work it out, which includes learning to trust, then she would have to say yes to counseling if you stand firm. If she says no, then she would know that means divorce. I know that sounds kind of black and white but maybe it would jar her into accepting the counseling. To me, someone who says they want to work it out and then says no to counseling is not being sincere--you could mention that to her too and see what she says. GOOD LUCK!!

[jaypop30]

Originally Posted by sunrise

If you want to work it out, jaypop, it sounds like there is an opening there. She wants to work it out too. I think it would be absolutely GREAT if you laid down a boundary on this. You could say you can't tolerate being distrusted like this and the only way to work that out would be for the two of you to go to marriage counseling with a neutral therapist. If she really wants to work it out, which includes learning to trust, then she would have to say yes to counseling if you stand firm. If she says no, then she would know that means divorce. I know that sounds kind of black and white but maybe it would jar her into accepting the counseling. To me, someone who says they want to work it out and then says no to counseling is not being sincere--you could mention that to her too and see what she says. GOOD LUCK!!

never been good with boundries. Never wanted to hurt the other person. but I guess its time to think of myself in this matter. Thank you!!!!

[Victoria'smom]

What if you make the appointment. Tell her your going and you hope she goes too. If she does not go then she is not willing to work on it. Be the first to admit your faults and dx. so it does not become a more hurtful finger pointing session. Best of luck