once again i come back....

okay... so the past few weeks.... or months.... since august really.... have been really hard. the past few weeks more generally, though. so me and my boyfriend started arguing about a few things... mostly that we could never spend time together, and whenever me and him would have plans, and he couldn't go and do whatever it was we were gonna do, he'd go and make other plans... i feel detatched and not myself when i can't be with him, and it was at a time when i REALLY REALLY needed him... we almost broke up but we didn't... and i thought things were getting better.... but yesterday we went to a friend's party, and he wouldn't hang out with me... i couldn't help thinking that it must be all my fault... and that maybe he wants to dump me again... he came to talk to me because everyone was telling him how sad i was... and i started crying to him that i was still paranoid and insecure... and he practically yelled at me that i had nothing to be paranoid about... i didn't get upset at the tone he used tho, becuse of the content of what he said.... but i realized in the last few weeks that my first psychologists thought for me about being Borderling (personality disorder) though not correct at the time.... is correct now.... but i can't help how paranoid and insecure i am! and my boyfriend doesn't do much to reassure me. He knows of all these things and my problems... but when i asked him why he wouldn't hang out with me he said he didn't know... whenever i ask him anything he just doesn't know... a lot of times, i think he legitametely doesn't know, because he does have lots of trouble pinpointing his thoughts and feelings... but when i have nothing to go on... i automatically assume its all my fault. and he doesn't understand why i do this! i told him that i don't have anything to go on... that i can't make any other conclusion from what i've been given... we've agreed to try and make an effort to understand each other... but this is the first incident from when we agreed... and it didn't turn out all that well. The other reason he didn't want to hang out with me was because he wanted to hang out with 'his friend' even though, i was in the same room as all of his primary friends... and i asked him why i couldn't hang out with him WITH his friends... he just kinda shrugged. His friends are my friends, too... but he just didn't want to hang out with me, and i don't understand why... i am completely dependant on him... though i know that isn't healthy... i can't help it.... at the time when he was dependant on me, i truly made an effort to do what would make him happy... but he isn't doing the same for me... the rest of the guys who i was hanging out with... were kinda pissed of at him for it.... i just dont understand and i don't know what to do, because i feel like the more i ask, the more annoyed he is going to get at me for asking... i just don't understand... and i still think its all my fault... (i thought it was all my fault because i tried to get him to stay in the room with all of... well most of our primary group of friends... and he wouldn't, and he got annoyed at me for trying to push at it, because i didn't want to hang out downstairs with a few people that i am not completely comfortable with.)

i hope everything i said was followable... im not exactly sure how coherent i am at the moment. any response would be helpful.

~Julie

"Sometimes it takes us to the bottom of our misery to understand the truth..."
~Gustav Havel - existentialist

HI Julie... welcome back
Hey... why don't you try giving him all the space he needs and wants... let him plan the stuff. Just my first impression here, but it sounds like he loves you but really needs some personal space. Guys need to do guy stuff with other guys sometimes. Let him do that for sure. If you do this... even play hard to get a little... the pendulum may swing in your favor.

its just that... he spends SO much time with his guy friends... i've tried to make myself do the hard to get thing... im just too dependant on him... its in the times when i need him the most that he refuses to be there for me. that time is now and i can't deal with things alone.

"Sometimes it takes us to the bottom of our misery to understand the truth..."
~Gustav Havel - existentialist

Hi JuliBean and welcome back again sweetie. (((((HUGS))))),

I can tell you that as speaking as a guy, most guys just don't hang with someone unless they want too. The question I have for you is this ... If he has a problem hanging with you, what are you doing with him? He clearly has a reason why he doesn't want to be with you in public so that has to mean something, regardless of how stupid it may be.

I think you owe it to yoursel to be with someone that likes you and loves you over any group of friends and one that would be anxious to share you with people, or even, keep you to himself!

I realize you have feelings for this guy (although I wonder why after the way he has teated you), but hey, you're important too and need to look after yourself. You definately deserve much better!

If it were me, I'd be making some plans, plans that didn't include him, and those plans would be to find a man that would make me the center of his world.

Wishing you all the best and hopes it starts to work out for you,

Your friend Sam

"You'll never know what you're capable of if you don't try."

If I can guess at what is happening based on my own experience of being a probable borderline--you always have a reason to REALLY REALLY need your boyfriend if his attention isn't primarily on you. If I can make another assumption, it doesn't matter what your boyfriend would give as his reason for not spending time with you--you would still find a way to link it to you being the problem. You claim your boyfriend isn't trying as you tried to make him happy, but I bet if you could hear him, you would learn he views this differently. You said he wouldn't spend time with you, but also said you "didn't want to hang out with a few people that i am not completely comfortable with." You apparently chose not to spend time with him because it couldn't be on your terms, but cannot see it that way without deciding that you are a bad person, which you are not. It is not that your boyfriend needs work to understand and be there for you--it is that your perceptions need work to even know when he is there for you. For that, you should probably seek a therapist.

conklinca... i agree with you on a lot of those points... its just that after we had that argument and he said those things and i said that i was uncomfortable with those people... i eventually agreed and went with him... at which point a couple other people followed because they are our primary friends, at which point, he left again.... so i dunno. i didn't want to go down there with him, but i did, and then he left.... so... i dunno.

and Sam, thank you for the support, i appreciate it a lot. the things you said made sense too... but i don't know... i can't let go of him at all. i wouldn't be able to find anyone else just cuz of my state of mind.

"Sometimes it takes us to the bottom of our misery to understand the truth..."
~Gustav Havel - existentialist