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#1
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* (Long rant ahead, Sorry)
Hi everyone, I would like to start off by saying, that I do not have a very close relationship with my mother. I mean we do care for on another but would I say that I could freely talk and express things to her? No. But I still listen to her and respect her wishes whenever she tells me to do something (because hey it's her house right?) . However sometimes it can seem a bit odd....for example today I asked how she slept when she awoke this morning and she said, “Fine...” and I replied “That's good”, but then all of a sudden she asked me a question that was in my opinion, random. She asked very seriously “Are you angry?” and I looked at her a bit surprised and replied “ No, why?”. Then she goes on to talk about how she just had a a dream where I was very angry to the point it was scary and that she “Did not like that”. Which ok that's fine, but then she starts bombarding me with odd questions such as, “Have you been talking to your cousin online?” (I should mention that my cousin is into some pretty weird stuff and suffers from depression and anger problems so she believes he might be influencing me somehow). I reply a little shocked “No, I don't”. I've never talked to anyone in my family via email, IM, Skype etc.. So I couldn’t really see what she was getting at. Then she went on saying “I'm also going to check those oomin books you've been reading” (She meant Moomin which are a series of finnish children books, but she mispronounced it because she was angry) Implying that I might be reading something odd... and I replied“ Ok, that's fine I'll go get them for you.” I mean, I could understand if I “actually had some sort of violent mood swing, but doing all of this based off of a dream? I don't really understand that reasoning. It knocks me off guard the things she comes up with. I guess that it's just because she cares and doesn't want anything “negative” to influence me but how she goes about as seeing almost everything that she either (a) can't comprehend (b) dislikes all of a sudden out of the blue, as negative baffles me. From movies to TV shows and video games even books. It could be “approved” one minute, and then she'll get into some weird mood and promptly decides that I am not allowed to play/watch/read whatever it was that was once allowed. Now when I was younger (Around middle school) I was stupid and decided I was going to like those things anyway. That ended as you can imagine, very poorly. Eventually as I got older I wised up and decided whatever my mom told me she didn't like I wouldn't like it anymore. Whether I thought she was being unreasonable or not. Also my mother is the type of person who wears her emotions on her sleeve ( she has one nasty temper if she's provoked) and always believes that she is right. She will openly voice her opinion about something but if you happen to disagree she will get upset. Maybe it's partly to do with her upbringing and also maybe from the volatile relationship she has with my father, I'm not sure. It can be very emotionally draining and sometimes when I was younger I would break into tears from their fighting (on top of other things I have to worry about such as middle-school). Which she would shout and tell me to “stop crying”. Which ok maybe I got over emotional...but why does she get to express her feelings but not let me express mine? Also one time when I was younger she was very upset with me because I wasn't working the coffee pot correctly. She backhanded me and I started to cry. She did apologize later..but if I were to bring up that moment today she would not remember and probably think I was making it up or mis-remembering. Now I only have one more year of high-school and then I will be out of the house. It's just makes me a little sad not being able to talk to her about these things. *Phew* I feel better now. I know I'll probably come off as a whiney teen, but I'm glad I was able to type this out...and if anyone had any advice with dealing with this...I would be very appreciative. |
![]() Matsudoki
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![]() Matsudoki
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#2
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I think you're handling it as best as you can. you sound very reasonable. you know to play by her rules and you know you will be out of there soon so you have that. I know my mother was confused by me, my depression (though I wasn't diagnosed at that age) and what I was into. she'd listen to my music, looking for "hidden messages" as to why I wasn't "normal." thing is, those thing weren't the reason, they were the reflection.
I was going to suggest therapy with her and you, but she sounds a lot like my mother. my mother was from the generation that if you saw a therapist or needed meds, well you were CRAZY and not normal. I doubt your mother's as old as mine, but I'm guessing she's not going to be open to therapy... Perhaps someone else has something better to say. I just wanted to tell you you're handling it well. Keep calm and carry on. Best wishes to you!
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yes, I'm in therapy (DBT). ![]() |
![]() Matsudoki
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![]() Matsudoki
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#3
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Quote:
Thanks, suki! Yeah she wouldn't be open to therapy for her and me. But who knows? Maybe one day I could somehow get her to go. ![]() |
#4
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It's hard to know for sure but from your post, Lavilov, it sounds like she's experiencing anxiety which she's projecting onto you. I think the important thing to remember here is that her issues are hers and not yours and that you're not responsible for her. You seem to be aware of that already, which is good (& in no way do you sound like a whiny teen to me).
Part of growing up is that we start to see our parents as people (rather than just in their role as mother & father to us) and we become aware of their frailties/flaws etc, it mightn't be that she's changed but just that you're noticing it more now (or it could be that you growing up has triggered her anxious nature). Much like you I care about my mother, knows she cares about me, but we're not close in that we can discuss everything - it's something I've got used to over time (I'm much older than you & married with my own family btw) although I do wish it wasn't like that sometimes. Not much in the way of advice I'm afraid, but I hope you'll take comfort in the fact you're not alone. ![]() |
#5
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Hi Lavilov ~ What I see happening here is her suffering STILL from her past! I have a feeling she's STILL living out her resentments from her upbringing as well as her relationship with your father.
![]() I know you're getting the brunt of all this - but she doesn't see it. She's just lashing out at anyone who is closest. ![]() I know it's hard, but try to be patient with her, cause I have a feeling she's suffering. She probably wouldn't admit it to anyone -- but she sure could use some therapy. I don't know what would happen if you suggested it -- you know her better than anyone. Would she lash out at you and become enraged? I wish you the very best, dearheart. I know you're in a tough spot. God bless and just do the best you can. (((hugs))) Lee ![]() |
#6
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Your mother sounds very like my stepmother was; I left home (when I was 22) because she called me "stupid" one time too many; I had not made the Good Seasons packaged salad dressing correctly, had put the oil in before the vinegar or vinegar before the oil, whatever the "opposite" is. Now it is a little funny how dramatic we made it, as if it mattered which way it was made?
I'm 61 now and if I could do it all over, I think I would try to be a little more "forgiving" and try to see the humorous in situations instead of taking them as seriously as I did. I'm not stupid and have never thought I was and was in no danger of thinking that, I mostly just had my feelings hurt because she called me a name; if you think about it, it's very like little kids where one kid is slightly stronger or smarter in a mean way, etc. That incident actually ended up a bit helpful to me because I "quit" and stormed off up the stairs to my room and she called me back but I did not come; all the time in my life before I had been afraid of her anger but I was so angry and unhappy that I didn't "care" this time and the realization that I was bigger than she was physically, and younger, etc., there were a lot of old things between us that I was still paying attention to, even though 10-15 years had passed and situations had changed; I was locked into the habitual way of relating so hadn't noticed the changing situations! That's "learned helplessness," http://www.ppc.sas.upenn.edu/lh.htm
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"Never give a sword to a man who can't dance." ~Confucius |
#7
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@ toastie
Well, she could have some anxiety because of me growing up plus her relationship with my father. That would make sense. I have heard her before, telling my father that she feels she always needs to be on her guard around him. So I guess being in a relationship like that would cause someone to be anxious over a period of time. And thanks! It's nice to know. Since it seemed to me that most of my friends could talk to their moms openly. @ Leed Thanks, leed. ![]() So maybe it's a combination of anxiety (like toastie said), depression and anger? I guess those all go hand in hand sometimes? I would mention therapy, but she wouldn't be open to it. |
#8
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@Perna
(Ahh sorry if this becomes a double post, My replies show up later since I'm a newbie here and the mods have to check them out before they're posted) That's very interesting. But yeah, I think understand what you're saying. Thank-you for the link I'm reading it right at this very moment. ![]() |
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