[doggiedo]

Again, sorry for posting so much but I'm still in a undecided state. I am taking time away from my bf and promised to give myself space to decide if he's the one. Not texting or calling, but the no texting didn't last long.

I miss him. The question is do I miss him as a friend or as a lover?

Since I have been taking a break, he has donated his half marathon medal to a girl who is dying of cancer ( she is the reason why he runs and he does all this fundraising). I mean geeze - how unbelievable is that?

He's so supportive and perfect. So what the hell is holding me back? I haven't talked to him on the phone or seen him in person since Sunday last week. I miss him. He's the first person I text in the morning and the last person at night. I wonder what he is doing and how he is. Tomorrow he's going to this tag sale place that I love to go to...I wish I could go with him. On Tuesday I found out our library is doing a lecture on a local historical site where we usually hike - its definitely something I'd love to invite him to.

I'm just not quite sure how to I ferret my feelings....

My mom thinks I should know if he's the one by now - after a year. If its not there, then maybe it's just that we were meant to be friends, she says. I really just don't know. I miss him a lot.

[Confusedinomicon]

I think you should write everything that makes you afraid of being in a relationship with him. Then I think you should read over it and show him. Then I think you need to discuss what you wrote down with him over a few days.

Your breakups sound like insecurity.

I don't know if doing something like this would cause a permanent break-up, but I did something like this and it helped my relationship.

I think you should ask him to do the same thing. You'll probably end up hurt by some of the things he says, but he'll probably be hurt by some of the things you said. However, it can help you compromise and discover whether or not you guys are really compatible long-term since it would require both of you to make some behavioral changes to compromise for one another's happiness in the relationship.

But mostly, you sound insecure.

[greenvalley]

Originally Posted by Confusedinomicon

I think you should write everything that makes you afraid of being in a relationship with him. Then I think you should read over it...
.

Extreme ditto on the first part. Why are you afraid of being in a relationship with him?

If that doesn't elucidate matters, then you can try looking a little deeper into childhood issues. What was your parent's relationship like? What were your thoughts about their relationship as a child? If your parents relationship was normal enough then this likely won't reveal any cool insights. If that doesn't work then move on to explanation #3

#3 Explanation #3 is that he isn't an easy unconscious match for you. There is a reason they call it "falling in love." You actually have to "fall". Unconsciously there has to be some trust that the love object is safe or familiar. And familiar is more important than safe. This means that he isn't pushing the right buttons to your unconscious mind for you to "fall" or in more psychological terms regress. Although from what you have described it sounds like you really love the guy and just are afraid.

[BDPpartner]

Hi i too kept questioning whether this was the "one". When you watch tv and films it makes it out that suddenly you'll meet someone and it'll be like a flicking a light switch boom your in love, you've found your soul mate. In reality i don't think this is always the case. If you want to share everything with this person, look forward to their morning text etc. Perhaps stop questioning it at just let it happen

[Suki22]

if he treats you well and you miss him, well that's a lot right there! I want a boyfriend to be my best friend and lover. are you sexually attracted to him? that's key--not that the world is about sex, but that's the difference between a boyfriend and a friend. like BDP said, stop second-guessing and let it happen.

xoxo

[doggiedo]

Making a list and discussing it with him might very well be helpful - put everything on the table. It might cause a break up but it might also be what we need to take the next step. Good suggestion, thx.

Am I attracted to him? Yes and no. I don't have any real sexual desire for anyone, and I think that has a lot to do with the medicine I am on. As a result it's kind of a null-in-void issue. That's why this is so hard. If I knew if I was attracted to him sexually, it would be easier. We have been intimate and at some instances I have felt sick to my stomach bc it grosses me out- but that has a little to do with his hygiene I think.

Asking myself if he's the one? Yea, I agree that society puts this expectation out there of how we are supposed to feel, right away - to know of someone's "the one." I don't know if he is. I don't know if I see myself spending the rest of my life with him. Am I cryin and stuff bc I miss him, nope...bu do I miss I'm, yes.

I don't know if I'm just feeding into the idea that I'd rather be alone...the dangerous part of depression, you know? I have been with him for a year and I keep questioning it, so that's why I'm torn...wouldn't I know by now?

My parents relationship is a very loving one - they have been happily married for 36 years and are as in love more than ever. It's a wonderful example for me. I always wanted that.

Mom aske me the other day if my ex just hurt me too bad of if I was capable of love- that's sad to think...that I allowed my ex to havethat much power where he 'broke' me in a sense. And that I'm not able to love again. I don't want that at all.

At any rate, thank you all for your responses and challenges. This is exactly what I need.

[doggiedo]

Idk what to do. He thinks it's just a matter of time before I break up with him...he wants to come grab his stuff and drop off mine.

[Confusedinomicon]

Doggiedo, you can't expect him not to have that perception of the situation. You either have to try again and stick it out and get over your insecurities or let him go. Let him be a part of that journey or not...I don't know.

However, we can't choose for you to stay in a relationship with him. We can't choose for you to stay committed to him. You can't continue to wavier at the point where you're unsure of yourself and want others to make the decision of the relationship for you.

It also doesn't sound like you ever talked to him about the hygiene thing. If you continue this relationship he's going to expect you to be sexually active with him. You need to decide whether or not you want to pursue that type of relationship.

Is there any way you can visit your mom for a weekend? Maybe some R & R would help.

[doggiedo]

I actuall have today and tomorrow off- and all next week. Nice little vacation. Today I went for a hike with the dogs and took a nap. Tomorrow I might go see a movie or something - keep busy.

I know you guys can't tell me what to do. Although I wish you could! lol I feel like you have a better idea of what I'm dealing with than my mom might, for example since she has her own opinions, etc. She also has met him before, so I'm sure that slants her advice. you guys are almost like a clean slate - and have no slanted opinions either way. THat's why I value your advice.

Anyhow, I am still struggling. I did talk with him about everything that was bothering me. I feel a ton better. We also exchanged stuff when we talked, so if we decided to break it off, it will be one less thing to do later.

We shall see... I do sometimes think it's too overwhelming and feel like all I ever do is hurt people. Maybe it would just be better if I wasn't around. The idea of suicide has popped into my head, but I don't want to go through with it. I just feel like that's the easiest solution right now. Less trouble for everyone, u know? I was doing so well yesterday and today and now I feel like my life is a big pile of s*&%!

I started T 7 months ago with great success thus far. We were able to manage over 1 GIANT hurdle. I have a few more to go.

I haven't considered dating ANYONE at all since my fiance passed away.
Lately, I am feeling as if I am coming out of my shell a bit and perhaps I might even be inching toward having a date. again. some day. (right! so I may not be the old lady with lots of cats afterall)

She told me that it's good to NOT date until I am in a stable place. That I should give it about a year. And we haven't even BEGUN to delve into the BIG stuff.

How can I be good to someone else if I am not even good with myself. Yet?

(just a little food for thought)

[doggiedo]

So sorry to hear about your fiancé. I guess you have suffered quite a loss and it's understandable to not date until you are in a strong, solid place. Sounds like your T is also very helpful. Glad u r making it thro