Am I Wrong?

OK, so I am never sure which one of us is totally crazy, my mother or myself.

A little background, mother had me young (she was 17) and single up until I was 16. Worked many jobs and made many sacrifices for me, but still screwed up in unbelievable ways: too many men to count in and out; sexual abuse on me by her friends; rampant drug use; inconsistent church attendance so that it was confusing; consistent emotional manipulation; occasional physical abuse; superbly controlling (then allowing her new husband to do the same when I was 16 and she married). I moved out at 17, am now 36 mostly stable...normal family, 4 kids, good husband, problems of my own, still hold some resentment towards my mother for my growing up years, while at the same time recognizing that she did the best she could...blah blah blah. Here I am to the crux of my question/problem

SHE DRIVES ME CRAZY...LOL

No, not really, but sometimes kind of. Today the problem lies with the phone. I hate it A LOT. We only use cell phones in our house, and the microphone is broken on mine (I'm waiting for the new phone to come out on T-mobile in 3 days) so whenever I need to actually speak on the phone, I have to borrow my husband's (he's fine with this) but it is inconvenient. I can't stand talking on the phone anyway...ugh...and would almost always rather text or email. I've been sick since yesterday morning with the summer flu, and my mother has been calling and texting with concern...I've answered her texts sporadically but not her calls. Finally called her back today at 3 (because she kept calling and texting me asking me to call) and the information she had to impart was nonsensical. She wanted to tell me where the cleaning supplies were because I am cleaning one of her rentals for her tomorrow because she is too busy. When I remind her how much I hate the phone and that she could have just texted me she gives me this guilt trip about how she likes to hear her daughter's voice....blah blah blah. Then she says I talk to my girlfriends fine on the phone (not true). I even went so far as to check my phone records, I talk to her over three times more than anyone else, and her calls are the longest.

OK...so I understand she wants to communicate with me, hear my voice, she loves me...I get it, I have kids. Here is my point though...just because she wans something...do I have to give it? Because she'd be much happier talking to me on the phone more often, do I have to feel guilty and comply even though talking on the phone, and sometimes talking to her, make me unhappy?

Oh Bless your heart -- you had a VERY rough time growing up. And I can TELL that you still harbor some resentments due to your past. And that is TOTALLY understandable!

But here is the kicker. "There is a saying that I use alot: Resentment is the poison I take to kill you." By harboring resentments, we just eat ourselves alive, because the people we resent don't even know it! All we're doing is hurting ourselves. We carry that garbage around for years, and for what?

I had to learn that the hard way. I resented my parents most of my adult life due to my childhood until I realized they gave me what THEY were given -- which was pretty much nothing! They were emotionally bankrupt, so they gave me nothing. Once I realized that, I had to forgive them.

Perhaps your Mom did the best she KNEW how to do -- yes, like my folks, they could have done better and maybe your Mom could have too, but we got what we got and that can't be changed. We still love them right? Well, forgiveness it the better path to take, and get rid of the resentment!

I made sure my kids were lavished with love and affection that I didn't get. And I'm sure you've changed the way YOU were brought up in bringing up your own kids. lol But you don't want them to detect any resentment you may have towards their grandmother, right?

So just humor her ---she DOES love you. Why not make a deal with her -- if she calls you 4 times a day, talk to her 2 times. The rest of the time, text her. LOL You're NOT going to have her forever and you don't want to feel guilty when she's gone. Believe me, I've lost both my parents now, and I DO feel some guilt about not spending more time with them, when I certainly could have, even tho sometimes it made me a nervous wreck.

I wish you the very best. Please take care & God bless. Hugs, Lee

It's you (who are crazy, not wrong :-)

You remind me of my boss who was looking for me and finally found me, asked me where I was and when I told him he replied, "No you weren't". I got really confused, trying to figure out where I had been if I wasn't where I was?

Let her text and call if she wants; that does not mean you have to reply or defend yourself and actions! You are not a bad daughter but, she can want what she wants. However, her wants are not your command! Your wants are your command. You do not want to talk on the phone that much, you set a boundary and then that's your boundary. "Hey, Mom, I don't like talking on the phone, I will not be calling or talking to you more than once a day, if it's urgent, text me; I'll read it but I may not reply right away" or whatever.

She can rail against that all she wants but probably won't when she sees it does not affect you? People "interact" with us only as long as we interact! They (and we) want others to pay attention, to respond, to. . .interact. If you say I am/am not going to do X, and do/do not do X, then there's no more discussion possible? If, when you do talk to her on the phone she gets into complaining and reviling you, etc. you interrupt and ask her if she really wants to spend her one conversation a day with you in that fashion because it takes two to have a conversation and you are not liking "this" one and will disconnect if she does not get to the pleasant conversing part

I think she is looking for affirmation of your love and respect. If you can in earnest tell her that you love her unconditionally and admire the woman that she is today. Decisions she made in the past had a negative effect on you as a child, however, that doesn't change the fact that you love her. Re-hashing the details of these decisions will not serve any purpose at this time the point you are trying to make is that you love her and will always lover her unconditionally. Intro into the present by telling her that as a busy mom yourself you can not spend hours on the phone. Tell her you keep telling your girlfriends that and they are finally getting the message. You are so grateful because you didn't want to lose friendships but you absolutely hate talking on the phone. End with "Mom, I am so blessed to have you to talk to but I am so out of time", I love you and call if you need me but text if you just want to chat.

I think once she has confirmed that you love her in spite of the decisions she made in the past she will quit calling so much anyway. i have a busy 30 year old daughter and sometimes I really want to hear her voice but have learned to text first to see if she has time to talk. She has learned its ok to text me back with "no time to talk, will call when I can luv u". k

My other half has problems/issues talking on the phone and that includes phone calls to me. Your mother should respect your feelings towards phone calls. I definately think setting boundaries is a good idea, my partner calls his parents once a wk. Any other phone calls that have to be made are done via myself. I know his mum especially likes to hear his voice, she like most parents can tell a lot from the tone of voice etc. If your mother continues to try and lay guilt on you, you could use another of our communication tools. Because of my other halfs phone issues there are times when we are apart and he wants/needs to hear my voice but can't cope with the phone call; so i use the the phones video to record a brief message ( i never video my face when talking; my issue ) and then i just send him that. Whatever you do, make sure you are the one is the driving seat. Your mother will just have to be grown up about it big hugs