Marriage Help

Me and my husband have been married for almost two years and we still live with his parents. We are now currently working on getting a house and moving out. I was so happy when we first got married but some issues arose between me and my fil so its tense at moments but not horrible. My husband was married before and had a kid with her. He said he was never in love with her that she was manipulative the whole time. As a result his whole family claims they hate her for how she has done him but they still talk to her like there stilk married and it makes me feel uncomfortable. On my end, i had just quit drugs a coupoe of months before we married so even to this day its hard for me at moments with cravings and really breaks me down. We split up over some issues involving his family being so close to the ex wife and during that period i contacted my ex boyfriend but never saw him or had sexul relations. But with our beliefs thats still cheating so were still healing from that. Within the last week i have gotten super depressed over me cheating and the cravings are hitting me hard. It seems so impossible for us to get a house but i know it wil take time. I have made myself very unhappy about everything. My husband has forgave me but i cant get to the point to forgive myself and move on from everything. I need advice on forgiving myself and moving on to be happy. My husband hates his ex wife and its so hard to move on from that wit the family wanting ti be so close. I came to the point where i wish i wouldnt wake up. I just want to be happy again and forget the past as my husband has. What do i do?

Hello Linkg11, welcome to PC! I'm glad you've found us so that hopefully you can find some support.

I guess the first thing I would recommend would maybe looking around your community for some therapy. Because I make almost no money, I am actually able to go to the community mental health center and receive free appointments with both a therapist (T) and a psychiatrist (pdoc). I also attend a group there as well. I have found both of these services to be extremely helpful. I know my center also has a group for dual diagnosis, and you could find support from others who have recovered from addictions (way to go, btw! You're doing great!). If you're in the US, you can also look into NAMI groups or groups similar to AA for support.

In regards to your husband's ex wife... I can sort of relate. My husband has an ex girlfriend from high school (I know, right?!). She treated my husband absolutely horrible, but she has a great personality. His family fell in love with her. And even though she was an exchange student from Germany, they still talk to her and visit her whenever she comes to the States. My husband finally had to tell his parents that we simply didn't want to hear about her anymore, and we both completely blocked her on facebook so even if she writes on my mother-in-law's page, neither of us see it. That has relieved A LOT of stress. Granted, we live several states away, so even our contact with his family is limited. Maybe you and your husband could take a similar stance. Unless they are talking about something involving the kid, I don't see a reason to mention his ex in front of you or him.

Also, is there any way the two of you could move into a small apartment together? I know it would take some money to do so, which might make getting a house harder, but at the very least, you'd have your own space.

Stay strong, you're doing great! You can get through this! Feel free to come and vent as much as you need!

Hi ~ I think Roman made some great suggestions. It really HARD living with inlaws and especially hard when your husband has been married once before and the inlaws are still in contact with the ex-wife! I think it stinks that they talk about her in front of you. That's like a slap in the face, and they ought to have more sense than to do that. If they have anything to say about her, they should talk about her privately, and not in front of you. It just isn't necessary.

And Roman was right about getting a small apartment too. Granted, it might stall getting a house, but it sure would be better than your current arrangement. At least you'd have privacy, and wouldn't have to hear about the ex all the time. I'm sure you'd be happier.

And contrary to what you think -- you did NOT CHEAT. Talking to an old ex is NOT CHEATING. I don't care what you say. Cheating is having physical contact with someone, and you didn't. Talk is not cheating. Talk is just talk. So you have nothing to forgive yourself for. So what if you talked to him? If you saw him on the street, would that be cheating? NO. So stop punishing yourself. You didn't cheat. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

Hi there. My husband has been married before with 2 kids and for the first 10 years of our relationship I had to put up with frequent references to her and contact. He used to take her out for dinner every friday night and I tolerated that. He still to this day claims to "love" her and says he always will because she is the mother of two of his children. It was very hard to tolerate but I did and now after 20 years she only rarely comes into the picture. I have accepted it under the belief that she bears no grudge with me; is not threatening to my relationship and is not harmful. You have to understand that this woman will always factor in his life because there is a child involved. You are his current partner and hopefully his love and loyalty is with you. As long as you feel secure with him then she can come and go and you won't feel threatened. Work on trust in your relationship to help you through this and then both of you will feel secure with each other and be better able to tolerate contact with ex partners. Your love for each other needs to be strong enough to carry you through these petty jealousies. Whatever you do don't go back on drugs as there is absolutely no benefit either for yourself or in your relationship. It's just a quick fix but not a solution. Go easy on yourself and focus on your relationship and strengthening that. All the best

Thanks everyone. Youve all been extremely helpful. It never bothered me had an ex wife but where the issue lies is the multiple lines she crosses. My husband told me he was never in love with her that he had self confidence issues at the time and i believe him. The issue is that she has professed her love for him on a few occasions and also uses the kid as a pawn and is to stupid to realize who she is truly hurting. He has talked to his parents but it goes through one ear and right out the other. His whole family told me in the beginning they hated her but still have over the line contact. So with that i feel lied to and feel like they wanted me to feel welcome but never realized the hurt. I know my marriage certificate doesnt have his family written in but to me its important to keep things civil since my husband is very close to them. And i try to keep things at bay with everyone because me and my husband have a 9 month old and he doesnt deserve to put up with all this non sense. But now my patience is running thin with everyone and i hate to put it that way but its like they just dont care. The call his ex to get the kid then tell us that you have him today with absolute no consideration of plans or other things. Im just so mentally exhausted from all this crap. I love my husband to death and wouldnt trade nothing for him but this is insane!!!