[pimprenelle]

I need your help here. You don't know me but maybe that will enable you to give me a more 'objective" point of view. I am really wondering what's wrong with me.
The story is complicated, I admit, so bear with me.
I was interested in a guy who had a girlfriend. After a while I realized that he had no honest intentions towards me so I let it be.
I was then interested in his friend, who I thought was more responsible, but it turned out that he was a womanizer and he was very clever at giving very ambiguous answers so that he made me believe that he cared for me. In the end I was the fool misunderstanding everything.
Finallly I met another friend of the group (it is a small place), but he was warned against me. The two other friends, probably pissed of that I wasn't accepting their behavior, told him that I was asking a lot of questions about them (actually I asked very normal questions, nothing special, but I felt I had to defend my reputation so I wanted to put a few things right). So now I have the reputation of being a nosy person (!) and this guy who seemed interested at first won't even talk to me anymore.
He is being very rude to me as are all the people in the group, some of which had no trouble hitting on me not so long ago.
I feel like nobody is caring about me and they are very quick in judging me. The hostility they display is really hurting me. I may have been a bit intrusive due to my insecurities and ambiguous information I was given but is this a reason to treat me like that ? Every kind gesture is now understood as a pushy way to impose myself on others.
Are they right ? Am I inconsistant ? Or are they hypocrites ? Other people have no trouble with my behavior.
I don't understand how people who seemed to like me one day barely greet me a week later ! How can people be so easily influenced by other people's opinion ?
Tonight I was being told I was paranoïd because of a joke I made about a guy "hitting" on my sister who's married. The guy told me I should stop talking about other people in their back but I didn't say anything bad!!!!
A lot of people from the same group distance themselves from me and I am wondering if they may be right. I feel terrible and I don't know what to think anymore. My sister says they are jerks but she is my sister.
Am I needy, nosy or whatever ? Or are they just a group of jerks with different values ? As soon as I voice my concerns I am a "bore", ruining their evening.
Whatever I do I seem to get it all wrong. It would be easy to say all these people are a bunch of idiots and not think about it anymore. On the other hand I tend to feel guilty about everything so it is really hard to know what to think.
I feel really lost.

[Hopefull]

Whatever the problem is, I suspect that the damage is unfixable. I'd just not spend anytime with them and see if you do okey with other people. If you do okey with other people, then they may just be defensive about their own behavior which sounds inappropriate to me. If you have problems with other people, you might consider doing some soul searching. However, I suspect that you will find that it is them.
As for you being interested in a guy with a girlfriend, I find myself being a bit against that. However, it would depend on how long it went on. Also, it would matter if you did anything with him. Besides, we all screw up sometimes. If the guy is a "womanizer" then he probably runs around more than just having an interest in other women. So, my main comment is the damage is done. You can't change things now. So, learn what you can from the experience and move on. I hope you work things out in your own mind and manage to continue to see yourself as a worthwhile human being even if you might have made a mistake.

[pimprenelle]

Thanks for your advice! Well no there was nothing going on with us.
The first guy did hit on me. He then said he had a girlfriend, so I stopped expecting anything but he went on flirting. I flirted as well but there was never an intention to go further given the circumstances. Very recently he became very ambiguous, saying that it was "too hard to brake up" (so he had actually thought about it!). I didn't know what to say. He then stated clearly that he had no interest in me, that if the relationship broke up he wanted to have fun etc... When I said he displayed a lot of bad faith, he said 'true" and that he could take criticism. I was puzzled by this and wrote him a card explaining that I didn't expect anything from a man with a girlfriend and that I was glad we had talked about it again. When I saw him again he went into a rage, saying that I had implied that he was interested, that my words were ambiguous etc... I just thought that my words were too close to home and that he was getting nervous his girlfriend might find out that he had some interest in me. From this point I rarely spoke of him if at all in public, only innocent things actually, but he got angry and talked about me. So I asked him to stop and once again he went mad. I stopped seing him altogether but he goes on talking about me.

His friend seemed very interested in me. I met him shortly after having learned that the first one had a girlfriend. His cousin told me he was single, which wasn't true. I didn't find out right away, but I don't think that was the real problem anyway. He behaved with me as though he cared, he was jealous of my flrting with his friend, but he didn't act on it. When I asked him to tell me what he wanted, he denied having ever stated any interest in me. As soon as he said that he started hitting on me again. I suspect that he was interested but something in my character bothered him. The girl he went with accepted to see him once in a while, never really criticized him, accepted to be a nobody (none of his friends knew about her!!), finally she dumped him. He said that it was normal she had dumped him, but he wouldn't change a thing for nobody.
I told him all I expected was being treated in a decent and consistant manner and that this was not too much to expect from a friend. I said I didn't force him of course, that it was up to him and that we were probably both responsible. He told me I was "masochistic" and "the worst thing he ever met" !!!!!! We never had any relationship!!! I would have understood that he was angry at being criticized, especially since it was deserved (and I don't think I was unfair or agressive), but to overreact like that!!!!

Finallly the third guy had a really weird reaction. He seemed to admire me, wanted to know a lot of things from me, but at the same time he suggested I had a weird personality. He ignored me several times but when I talked to him he seemed overjoyed to see me. Last week he seemed genuinely happy to see me but suddenly he went away without explanation, didn't talk to me the whole evening and flirted with every available girl. I couldn't figure out if he couldn't stand me or if he liked me. Can you imagine what a weird situation ?
I decided not to bother if possible. Yesterday I saw him again with a girl who seemed to claim some ownership rights on him (he is reportedly single but she seems to want him, he didn't seem to encourage nor discourage her, but maybe he is interested in her after all) and nobody in his group would talk to me. These people had been very friendly to me a very short while ago.
So I suppose somebody must have talked about me again, saying I was being nosy when all I did was show interest. Whatever I say is proof that I am trying to control everybody or trying to ruin somebody's reputation, which I have never done. Some people clearly dislike me and twist everything I say around, but aren't the others responsible for believing all too easily what is being said ?
What exactly am I responsible of doing ? Being too friendly ? too open ? too critical ? expecting too much in friendship and love ?
Some said I was too "radical" for rejecting one night stands (suggesting I was only after marriage, as if there was nothing in between), to "gloomy" when I talked about serious issues, "paranoïd" when I made twice the same joke about a man hitting on my married sister. Basically I have the feeling I am being seen as a party spoiler, preacher and gossipy person. I can't win. I don't see myself like that at all. I have always tried to work things out with everybody, but to no avail with them. It seems the problem is I am not accepting everything. I am a party spoiler after all.

I am very puzzled. Other people said the same things about my serious, "radical" personality but they either liked it or still wanted to be friends with me or at least were not so ambiguous about it. Some said I was very open and that it was bewildering but that once you got to know me, you realized it was just friendliness and interest in others. So why can some get to know me and others not ? Maybe the problem lies somewhere else ? Is it just an excuse ?

I am tired of complaining but also tired of meeting people who seem to admire me, being really interested in me, attracted, who worry about me and then suddenly reject me or even at the same time for the very reasons they were attracted in the first place. They become extremely agressive when simple rejection would have done the trick. They seem to just want me to go away. Now. Forever. But not really.

[Myzen]

Hi P,

I've been following your story from the beginning and I am convinced that you are in with the wrong crowd of people.

I know that you are in a small place and probably can't get away easily but anything would be better than what is happening for you at the moment. I've seen this happen so many times in small towns.

Please believe me Pimprenelle, this stuff will eat you up if you let it, and you are worth so much more.

There is a big world out there, and it's waiting for you.

I don't often give such up front advice here at PC but I have a strong feeling that there is a way out for you, and it's straightforward - new people!

Good thoughts and good luck, M

[pimprenelle]

Thank you very much for your advice. I was starting to feel so guilty and inadequate. I will see what options I have. It will take some time I suppose. I feel so desperate. Thanks, I hope I will find the energy.

[maybeonlyme]

Oh my dear, get away from these people. You are so involved with who said what to who and all of that.
Life is life. You are who you are. Look in the mirror, see the beauty in the glass? That is who you are. They can take you as you are or not. Soooo What! You are so much more than they. It's OK TO BE YOU!!

[Myzen]

Hi P,

I'd suggest posting here for support and sharing and then start preparing to change your social group.

It is a big step, but it can be done. I made some changes a couple of years ago, when I moved just 10 miles from one town to another. I joined a few clubs and stuff (music and writing) and I now have a nice new group of 3d friends.
IMHO there are a couple of things to watch.

1. Avoid anyone with 'side'. This is an English term for a person who is sneaky or manipulative. These people are often over friendly at first, or the first one's to talk to us in a group. Take it slowly!

2. Don't get trapped with an outsider in a group. Sometimes an outsider will approach us and try to sideline us in the group. Again, I would suggest taking it slow at first and talking to everyone equally.

3. Wait for things to develop, it's OK to sit on your own for a while, no body ever died from it!

4. This is the big one. Don't 'cross the streams'. By this I mean don't introduce new people to the old group that you were having trouble with. A fresh start is exactly that - fresh.

I guess my last thought is that one straight friend is worth a hundred manipulative acquaintances. If you are straight with the new people you meet, then you will attract straight people in return. It's a good deal.

Good thoughts, M

[pimprenelle]

Thank you so much to both of you for your excellent advice.
I started already. I am making a selection of people right now. Yesterday I just went over to a few people I suspected to be manipulative and said : "So what exactly is your problem?". You wouldn't believe!!!! Now I know what I wanted to know. And I know the real reason for their behaviour : official reason (you are obnoxious), real reason ("my boyfriend is far too interested in you but I forced him to distance himself from you" or "You don't want me ? you are going to pay"). I feel so relieved to know that.
I also went to a person I actually respect and just told her my frustration and that I was FED UP. She had a very decent reaction. It made her think about everything.
So that was some necessary cleaning up.
From now on, I will just tell people the way it is, the bad but also the good. Take or leave it.
I will start to look for a new job very soon coz I am unemployed anyway. I won't move. It is up to them to live with it. Now that I know the reasons, it is not MY problem anymore. The problem was the uncertainty, the doubts, you know. I can take criticism and I am indifferent to jerks, once I know they are jerks.
Also, this experience showed me who were my real friends, coz they supported me when I needed them. That is good to know. I feel much better.
Thanks for the support!

[eskielover]

I'm late on this post, but it definitely sounds like the farther away from that group of guys you can stay, the better off you will be. It seems like in small towns, it is hard to find the right kind of people, especially if they are the real popular group.

My personal feelings even though I have been out of the dating scene for over 30 years (of marriage), is that those guys are messing with your true value system & they are making you feel guilty that you won't lower yourself to their standards. I know that pier pressure is hard.....it was even back in the 70's when I was in college & dating. I remember finding guys that I thought I enjoyed being with, then ending up at a party where drugs were being done, & then came the pressure to lower my moral standards just to try to keep the guy I thought I wanted to date. That happened many many times, so needless to say, I dated so many guys I lost count. Luckily I lived in Los Angeles California & went to a very large university, so my options were great. I was able to find someone that I ended up getting married to, that shared most of my values. Hopefully you will be able to find a better group of guys or at least another guy that isn't tied to the group of jerks you found.

You aren't the problem.....they are. It is important to keep your values even though their pier pressure tells you something else. You will be happier in the long run to find someone with similar values to yours......

Don't settle for less that what you deserve,
Debbie

[pimprenelle]

Dear Debbie,

Thanks. Yes, you are right. The temptation is always there to lower your standards. I don't know if I can change so quickly but I already distanced myself from them, so that those who really appreciate me have to leave the group even momentarily to come to me.
I need to stop driving myself crazy. Peer pressure is indeed a powerful and dangerous thing.

Thanks