Lazy Boyfriend or Nagging Girlfriend?

Sorry this is kinda long...just want to be clear!
My boyfriend and I are both 23 years old and have been living together for six months now, and in a relationship for about 8.

-->Background:
I met him about 4 years ago through some friends. I thought he was cute and had a crush on him but ended up getting over it because he was a complete jackass when he was drunk and kind of an asshole in general. I ended up dating his best friend for a couple years but that turned sour. He and I never really got along because he said he hated us together, which caused tension between us...They are like brothers and ended up both moving to different parts of France to pursue their educational goals. After about a year he moved back to our town and I was shocked to see how he had changed. He was kind, patient, romantic...so different than before! We started dating right off the bat. This obviously came with a few issues as he was still best friends with my ex and our friends were weirded out.

Now:
I work full time right now and have been financially independent for 5 years now. I have had many jobs, put myself through college to get my AA and paid for everything I need. This has left very litte money for anything else.
My boyfriend on the other hand, is an only child from a family that has had a decent amount of money. He has always had nice things and has traveled the world already.

The problem:
After returning from culinary school in france, he promised his mother that he would get a job right away. It has been at least 8 months, and he has not gotten a job. His mom pays his rent and gives him a little bit extra for food. He has no car also. Since I got my job three months ago, it seems as though he has gotten even lazier. He applies for a couple cooking jobs and calls it a day. He refuses to apply anywhere unless its a high end restaurant. He has only had two interviews and no call backs. I am starting to lose respect for him and get upset that he has no money to contribute to our home or relationship. When I bring it up he gets very angry, starts swearing at me, threatens me, and tells me to mind my own business. I calmly explained that this effects our relationship and he says, "You only want me to get a job so that I can buy **** for you." He has even stopped picking up the house when I'm at work, claiming its because I would "nag" him and anytime I do that he automatically refuses to do it.

Should I just lay off and let him be if he is making rent? Is it wrong for me to feel like I deserve someone who will actually want to buy me things and take us places once in awhile? Is it wrong for me to get upset when I come home and he hasn't moved from bed and the house is a mess? HELP!

Personally I wouldn't see any future with someone who LETS his mother pay his rent, and give him money for other things too. Plus if all he does is lay around all day, what kind of "man" is that? He's not a "man" -- He's still a little boy letting his mother take care of him. He hasn't grown up yet, and he needs someone to take care of him. If he doesn't get it, he throws a temper tantrum.

No thanks. I wouldn't care if my man worked as an auto mechanic, or a garbage collector, or a street sweeper -- as long as he had a job! I like men who work physical jobs, and don't just sit in offices all day. But that's just me. Your guy won't even get off the couch! Throw the bum out! Get rid of that one, as there is NO future with him. He's never going to get a job -- why SHOULD he as long as Mommy is paying his way??

Find someone else. This one isn't worth the couch he lays on. Hugs, Lee

Hey you are not nagging at all, I'm in a similar cirumstance myself, the thing is your 23 want to be happy, loved, treated and feel secure. Now here's the deal 1, how can you have a future been funded by someone else who won't always be there.. 2, It seems like your fed up and unhappy and 3, if he's not willing to talk and listen why bother? Lifes too short, yes work hard but play hard, cars and holidays stimulate me :-p.

Think about what you want in life and chat with him.

Dan

here's what I know about "relationships". You get out of it what you put in. Think about why this boyfriend is "lazy".

It's not nagging at all to expect a marginal level of basic responsibility out of someone you live with. He's lazy.

If he wants this to work, he needs to be able to help you in supporting the both of you, you know? It's unfair to you (and his mom!) for him to lay around, apply for a few jobs, and otherwise do nothing.

Additionally, he has NO right to be angry with you when you bring it up, and don't EVER let him threaten you. If I were you, I'd probably deliver an ultimatum: Frankly, he gets his crap straight or bust.

I am sorry this is happening to you, and I hope you can forgive my bluntness. I just hate reading about things like this happening to people. You are his girlfriend, not his second mom!

My best, and I hope things turn out well for you.

He is probably very stressed and upset he can't find a job, especially since he is the man and wants to be the one supporting, a lot of us can't find a job or take in the money, there is no stability in this economy. It takes a lot of time, especially coming from culinary school. I agree that he was raised living comfortable and he needs to do his share of chores around the place. He should listen to your concerns and take up any job for now.

I was upset at my bf (now fiance)who lost his job and didn't work for 8 months, it was tough for us too, I wasn't the nicest gf and I've heard his mom got upset too, his sister was very mean to him through these 8 months, called him lazy, mamas boy, couch bum, they threatened to kick him out . Now he has a great , secure job, we're saving up for a house. I just wished I didn't bring it up as much as I did.. it was very hard on him

It sounds like he is depressed about finding work and struggling to make the transition from study to full time employment. I get this notion because you mentioned that he will only apply for work at high-end restaurants, which suggests to me that he is uncomfortable with the reality of starting out in a career and would be easily bummed out by having to start out in a lowly job. This may be compounded by the fact that you have gotten a job already and are college educated.

I would suggest a non-accusatory approach with regard to finding work. One question i always hated being asked is 'when will you find a job?'. Instead maybe ask, what you can do to help him find a job, and what concerns he has, etc.

Let me know what happens from here, I'm curious.

T.

The Irony here is that I have tried every approach, including asking how I can help. He said I could look on craigslist and send him jobs. I do this everyday for months now. So now when I ask if he followed up with any of them he freaks out on me and again, tells me to mind my own business. I told him he is right, its not my business but he asked for my help and then yells at me when I ask about it! Today was a bad day for us, I asked him if he had ever heard back from a final interview he got. He said yes but refused to tell me what they said. This just seems to childish and rude that he tries to "punish" me this way. After telling him I was looking for something more stable because I do want a future, he said, "Okay, we are taking the gloves off now? I have some things to say about you that bother me..." He proceeded to tell me he is no longer attracted to me since I've gained weight (maybe 10-12lbs...I am 5'6.5 at 135lbs). That just about knocked me off my seat and I instantly ran to the bathroom at work to cry. I dont know about you all, but I think our relationship is better off dead. That is such a horrible thing to say to anyone, especially one you a) love and b) know has issues with depression, anxiety, and self-image. Thanks for the responses.

The biggest thing that stands out is the fact that his rent is paid for by someone else. I can say that this is sapping him from a lot of motivation to get out there and work for himself. He probably knows that once he does, that will stop and may never be that way again. That's not an excuse, just something I think is a fact about why he's being "lazy" about getting a job. I know that doesn't help.

Thing is, it may take him a long time before he really wants to get out and work for himself. he may have to face losing his caretaker's money before he'll do that. Can you wait for that?

On the nagging side, you're not nagging. I don't see it that way at all. You expecting him to work is fair. But I will say this. You probably won't light a fire under him by asking him or telling him to get a job. You can't make him do that. I say this to save you the pain. Since you can't change his ways, just let it go and save yourself the aggravation and being yelled at. The choice, IMO is to move on and wait for him to get his life in order before taking him back or stick around and pray for tons of patience.

Hey there,

I know this thread is two years old by now, but I found it to be very helpful. My gf is 25 years old, we moved in together about a year ago - she has a serious problem with laziness. She lost her job half a year ago and refuses to even try to get another one, she sits on the couch and plays video games and watches TV all day. When I get home from work she is still in her PJ's.

She is in school but only part-time (2 classes per week), the course load is really light, and the only reason she is in school is because I insisted that she do something with her life... she has been spoiled her entire life, both her parents were divorced since she was very young and all they have done is enable her to do whatever she wants with no encouragement or repercussions. When she's short on money, her dad gives her money - so that's how her portion of the rent gets paid. It's hard for me because I am very motivated, if we were the same way I know that we could get a bigger place eventually, but that will never happen.

Here's what she says when I confront her on the issue:

"I know, I have no motivation.."
"I have no initiative.."
"Stop talking to me about it"

No matter how nicely I bring it up, she just acts like I'm her parent and that I'm inconveniencing her for lecturing her - as if to say 'why are you spoiling my good time, you're being a drag, man!' Sorry to vent - I'm really having a hard time with immature people who won't take responsibility for themselves.