Nice Because Polite…Or Nice because Like?

Yesterday, I was in the city doing some work for an organization I am active with, and afterwards I went to the store across the street to buy some groceries before making the hour-long commute back home.

When I went to the cashier line in the store, the cashier was a woman that looked to be around my age, and she seemed interested in talking to me for whatever reason. We talked about Thanksgiving, which is tomorrow, unfortunately, she complained about her job, and I listened to what she had to say. She joked that my reusable bags smelled like gasoline, and she briefly mentioned her BF. She seemed to be more interested in chatting with me than the average cashier is…or person for that matter. Indeed, I said little, and she did most of the talking.

As I went out of the store, I thought I caught her watching me leave, but maybe I didn’t, I don’t know.

Perhaps I will visit the store again when I am in the city next in spite of the sucky groceries they have…

How can I tell if she was behaving like that because she liked me or if she was a cashier and was performing her obligatory nice chat with customers? I can never tell if someone like a cashier is being nice to me because they’re nice and being polite or if they like me?

I hate when they mention their boyfriend or wife or whatever. up to that point you are just two people talking. I say, practice social skills the whole time, you never know who is watching! but once they mention a significant other, they are sending you a message, and you probably don't even want them as a friend (i don't, anyway - they are too caught up in pairdom). keep going, wash your bags (that can't be healthy!), and meet more people; that's my goal.

I have a question and an unhelpful ramble.

The question: Well, do YOU think she's interesting?

The ramble: I think as a woman if I ever mention a boyfriend (real or otherwise) to a guy I'm talking to, I do it either because he's coming on too strong (which I don't think you were at all, since you said nothing) or because I'm scared I'm coming on too strong (it's the same logic as 9 year old boys hitting 9 year old girls out of repressed affection, sort of). So... yeah. I can see how that would be a completely confusing message though. >_< Sorry women are weird. But... We smell nice, though, usually?

Honestly, I am not sure how to answer that question, because it’s never really occurred to me like that before. I don’t really think of whether or not I am interested or not interested, rather I have always thought about their characteristics, if they are compatible with me, and how nice they are, with an emphasis more on objectivity than feelings I suppose. I’ve always thought of relationships as like buying a car - you learn about its features and make an estimate if it will work for you. Might sound awful for some but I am told (by my T) that I am not well acquainted with my inner feelings, therefore any question concerning how I feel is a difficult and seemingly bizarre question to me. I don’t know - I am messed up .

She seemed to mention her BF only in the context of what she was doing for Thanksgiving, since she was the one that asked me that question first, and after I responded she kind of took over the conversation from there.

Two things to respond to your rant…

1.) “I think as a woman if I ever mention a boyfriend (real or otherwise)…,” real or otherwise? Huh? Otherwise?

2.) I don’t know anything about 9 year old boys hitting 9 year old girls out of ‘sort of’ repressed affection.

3.) I don’t normally smell others and I mostly lost my sense of smell as a child from an over-the-counter drug addiction…thought I should add this lol.

Unless she was complaining about her boyfriend and indicating the relationship might come to an end, she's probably not into you. Casually mentioning one's relationship is an easy way to let the other person know you're not available and they shouldn't wonder exactly what you're wondering right now. Which is probably why she did it.

Since she mentioned the bf, I think she is just friendly. I used to get into trouble when I was younger as I was always too friendly, too chatty, hense giving the wrong impression maybe. I am just that way...I talk to anyone and anytime. I like people and people like me and I love to talk about "stuff"

Shes nice but she is taken. It was nice she thought that she could have a decent conversation with you. Happy Thanksgiving!!!

She may just enjoy conversation.

She also may have liked you, but not in a romantic way. Why not be friends?
You just met each other, how could you even tell if you wanted to get romantic with them?

I wouldn't read into this at all. The boyfriend talk is probably because he's someone close to her, something in her life.

That doesn't sound messed up (to me), more... complex and difficult to handle. I say this because I'm relating to you on some level because there have been times when I've just been feeling WAY too much to comprehend or express it in one or two words (and indeed, even when I can express it in one or two words, there are usually more than one feelings). So when that happened to me last - in the middle of a full blown panic attack - someone asked me not WHAT I was feeling but WHERE I was feeling it (i.e. where in my body did the emotion seem to be). Which was odd, but ... say fear, for example, I found lived in my chest, like a constricting, scary fist? This is all not necessarily relevant to THIS context >>;;

But in this context, erm - I don't know how a relationship based on pure objectivity would work. Would you be willing to elaborate on how this works for you?

I'm going to echo what the others have said and say that it seems likely that she was just babbling, wanting to talk and be friendly, and it seems unlikely she's really interested in that aspect.

1. Otherwise: Sometimes, men get... overly personal? And I've found that telling them about my boyfriend (who may or may not be real, just... something I make up on the spot) or in more conservative cases, my "husband" really just... solves that problem. I don't do this often, just... when I feel a little alarmed or threatened. Maybe it's an India thing, I dunno >>;

2. You know? Like... when a little boy's picking on a little girl, somewhere there's... interest? Like sticking gum in someone's hair is a way to get them to notice you?

3. That's interesting. Potentially alarming (like how would you smell gas in an apartment if that's happening?) but also... interesting (in that... if you've read Harry Potter, what would the love potion smell like to you? Or would there be a different way for it to apply to you? Just... thinking, and really hoping this isn't offensive )

...This.

According to my T she says that I suffer from a kind of disassociation that is common in those suffering from forms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Really, it can feel like there is a wall between myself and my feelings, because I am not aware of my feelings much of the time. Usually I am kind of monotone in how I feel - the same, expressionless feelings, in a way being numb.

What I meant about objectivity is that I have always thought of relationships as to fulfill a specific role in one’s life, a purpose if you will, or to be about a power struggle, or maybe both.

When I think of a relationship for myself I think of looking at a prospective partner in how her characteristics would be compatible with me and not how others seem to think of whether a person is attractive or not. What is really important to me is to have someone in my life that I can talk to openly and honestly to so I can express some of what’s on my mind lest I implode on myself. Indeed, that is likely the most important aspect of a relationship with anyone for me, because if I can’t express myself to someone, then I have little desire to be close to them.

People have told me such things like confidence being attractive - to me, it is not, it is irrelevant. Confidence has nothing to do with what I desire from a relationship or in someone. If I want someone in my life I can express myself to safely, then whether they are confident or not has nothing to do with that.

On the other end, I have always thought that women wanted men that were rich, successful, and intelligent, the ideal man, for whatever their reason for that. Last year, I was upset because the careers I have decided I would like to pursue aren’t the most lucrative, and I thought that I would be forever alone if I didn’t make enough money to be desirable to women.

Feelings never have factored into my understanding of relationships. I want someone to express myself to and women want men with money. It makes sense in my mind. Nobody has ever told me they liked me for me until I was 20 years old. It would make sense to me if a woman liked me because she wanted money or something from me. It doesn’t make sense for a woman to like me for who I am.

I understand how ridiculous this might seem to others reading it but I have never witnessed relationships that didn’t follow this pattern. I have no idea what a ‘loving’ relationship would look like. In my family, there is no love, and I am not even sure if those in my family that are married like their partners. My own mother only ever seems to care about my personal life and what I have to say when she wants something (money) from me, or at least that is how it seems a lot of the time.

The other aspect of relationships that is prominent in my understanding of them is control. People I know are always controlling their spouses - one is the controller and the other is the controlled. My family is another fine example of this. If you don’t obey the ‘controller’ then it will become violent. Actually, it’s not unlikely that there people have killed each other in my family for control because of the numerous attempts to and the ‘mysterious’ deaths that nobody can really explain.

So I have a hard time understanding ‘feelings’ and relationships. What seems normal to me apparently isn’t.

I appreciate how respectful and understanding you’re being about this, whatbeanbelieved .

1.) So whenever a woman mentions a BF or husband is a negative sign?

2.) lol I am afraid I don’t know that! Sticking gum into someone’s hair would make for an interesting reaction! I don’t think I have ever witnessed that!

3.) It’s fine - but I do have a terrible sense of smell. Makes it easy to do tasks others find distasteful

I have an answer for this. Remember back in school when you were the last person picked for a team and the teacher "told you which team you had to go on? This the same thing. She is being nice because she thinks you don't have friends. I did the same thing I was admitted to a health institute. Only then I was giving away smokes instead of kisses.

The posts in this thread assume she meant this or that with her words, but its impossible to ever know what she meant because we are not her. You can use your imagination all day but its pointless. This was just another little event in another normal day. If you wanna talk to her, go back and talk to her. If you don't, don't.

I used to be a cashier. I just wanted to tell you what she might have been thinking since I've been on the other side of that stupid cash register. Being a cashier is one of the worst jobs you can have. People yell at you just because you are there, or they treat you like you're invisible. Then, you get people who want to talk to you too much. Then, if you are a woman, you tend to get hit on too. That can be uncomfortable when you are just trying to do your job. Some cashiers are unusually friendly, and are bored so they strike up a mini conversation with a customer to break up the monotony. Even me, a shy girl, would sometimes have some little thing in common with a customer, and make small talk for the brief amount of time I was ringing them up. It just helps the day go by when your feet are on fire, and your drowning in a sea of people. Occasionally, I received a nice compliment. That always brightened up my day, but it did get very annoying if that compliment was followed up with a request for a date. If you want, give her an innocent compliment, and leave it at that. She may have thought you were cute, but did slip in the 'ol boyfriend, so she's not looking for anything.

I don't think that sounds ridiculous, actually. I think it points towards the learning of a general idea that it takes a lot of us a lot of time to understand: that we learn from the relationships we see and in many ways and many patterns, we play out the primary relationships we have observed as children. I was speaking to a friend a while back where she kept talking about marriage as a relationship that is necessarily political - and I could not resonate with that. But that is because I've been ... lucky in that aspect and seen relationships which last not only through life but also after death (in that my parents are still very... married, though my mom passed away over 14 years ago). So somewhere it's also very difficult for me to let go of relationships and stuff. So... the other level of that learning is apparently when we realise that where our lessons from our families end end and where our choices begin. ...this is a very inchoate thought process, so forgive me if it sounds random. >>;

I'm hearing two things in what you've written. One, that your sense of what you want out of a relationship is different from that which you perceive in others? You seem to be wanting space, expression, acceptance and understanding, if I'm following? And two, that though you're wanting to be seen for yourself, you have troubles trusting that this is possible at all. I'm wondering if there is then something about... connection that is also unnerving? If somewhere you don't trust people to see you for who you are and like you for who you are, then are you also concerned that a part of you is not... you know, knowable and acceptable? Sorry if that's too personal >>; you can choose to not answer it, of course!

Also, just wondering but isn't that attractive to you, then? Being heard, being accepted?

Which brings me to the first part of your post - about parts of you that are walled in or walled out. I can relate with what you're talking about, I think. Lately, my T and I have bee talking about people that I've created - imaginary friends, characters in my writings, almost... alter ego like, but more consciously done? - and how that is in some ways a reflection of my tendency to isolate things that are difficult to deal with. I've sometimes had this issue in therapy - she brings up something that is difficult to hear, and I kind of... blank out. I forget. It's like my brain almost knows how to switch off when it feels threatened. Is that what it's like for you?

So... there's this thing I'm sort of thinking about right now, about this stuff. I am considering doing something called "Focusing" - which I thought was fascinating. It's supposed to be a mode of bringing exiled parts of yourself home. It goes back to the thing about focusing on your body when you think about a feeling, or an experience. Where you feel it. What its texture is, what it feels like, what its colour is... you know? Would you possibly be interested in talking about/ working with/playing around with the idea of something like that?

Aaaaaaaaaaand...

1. Possibly an India thing. I've heard of other women do it too. Really not sure about this particular woman in your context.

2. How much easier would it be to stick gum in someone's hair than, say, ask them out?

3. ... Cool. And true.

Nice post there. very thought provoking. Thanks. When I was diagnosed with - Psychosis/Delusions/Skizphrenia I would ask my parents how I'm supposed to feel on the medication? To this day my mind has not let me know except something my Dad told me when it all was happening that I should join a club. Genius

You should join a club? As in, the medication group is a club? Like the Convention of Medicated Loonies?

XD

No offense meant. I love ya'll loonies *snugs*

My "spider friend"---

I agree with one member who said only she knows what she's thinking, and we can only speculate.

I think that she might have just been friendly, or needed the diversion from the day. The fact that she mentioned a boyfriend doesn't necessarily mean she wants it known she's unavailable. She doesn't know you well enough to know if she likes you, but she might have been attracted (even if she's taken). Or she could have just been venting. Even if she said something nice about him, and nothing negative, maybe she was just in the chatty mood.

Having been a cashier at an auto dealership once, I know what a hard, draining job it is---being on your feet all day and the often nasty public taking their frustrations out on you regarding their prices! And this was in my YOUTH, when I was much more resilent about that AND standing all day. No can do NOW!!!! People used to yell at me about the labor charges and other stuff, so I'd have to page a service writer or the manager a lot. One woman threw her keys at me, but FORTUNATELY there was glass in front of me. I wasn't even the "regular" cashier; I filled in for the actual cashier's breaks. But the turnover in that position was so high, I ended up down there most of the time.

So, that being said, I always enjoyed chatting with a nice customer. It was a pleasant diversion, for both me and the customer. Sometimes you just need some human contact....I talked to some of the regulars whenever they were waiting for their car to be ready.

I went to my local mall a couple of days ago. I stopped at the popcorn concession stand; there were no other customers. The guy seemed to want to talk; we talked about 10 minutes. I had to leave, but I talked to him a bit cause he seemed to want to talk. I figured he must get bored if there's no customers, sitting at that stand all day. Nothing to do or listen to or anything----just watch the crowds go by.

If you liked talking to the woman, I see no reason not to do it again if you see her next time. In my opinion, nice people are hard to find.