GF regrets leaving husband! Help!

My gf left her husband of 10 years for me six months ago and her two sons lived with until about a month ago when they moved back with their father. Since then she has been crying often and she even admits missing her husband. I love her so much and its devastating that she seems to regret leaving him. Will it pass? Is this normal? This is breaking my heart

Hi Miles26,

How long have you been in a relationship with your gf? Had there been some type of closure for them before she and her boys moved in with you? Were they in danger had she and the boys stayed with her husband??

I can't answer your Q's until you provide a little more information about your relationship & how things began with her. I do wish gentle hugs to you though!

I was/am in a similar situation. My bf's wife left him for good almost 3 yrs. ago, and he started something with me a few mo. after. I wish I would've known then what I know now. He was hurting very much, and probably missed her. He tried to hide it, and even told me that he didn't care about her when we first started dating. He talked about divorce, and then when he moved in with me /c he was gonna get evicted......all that talk went away. Don't be someone's rebound. Don't be their tissue to cry in, and then throw away. It's not fair to you for her to get to cry on your shoulder, but still be missing her husband. She needs to go to her family or some sort of group for support. You may be able to handle this, but I know that I couldn't. I can't let it go that I'm 2nd choice, and I feel like he's settled for me because he can't be with her anymore. Being the transition partner has really left me in ruins. I know you say you love her, but does she love you? I think it's really unfair when unhealthy people don't finish up their old business and enter into something new with a fairly healthy person. I was becoming very healthy emotionally, and made a huge mistake thinking I could rescue my bf. I can't take it anymore, but I can't leave either. It's really pulling me apart. You should try to be really strong, and let her go for awhile until she figures out her feelings, and what she's going to do about them.

I encourage you to encourage this woman to return to her family. Then make a decision to find a nice unattached woman for a serious relationship with you and you only.

I have found that "rebound" relationships rarely work well. I'm also a believer that one should deal with the current relationship first before getting involved in another. Whether that means getting a divorce or living apart for a time because you never know what may happen after a cooling off period.

I'm sorry that you are feeling hurt and scared at this point. It's got to be very difficult for you, and I'm sure, very difficult for your gf as well.

I wish you all well and hope that things work out for the best, even if that means the relationship between you and your gf ends, it may be for the best for her and her children. And that's her number one priority....her children.

It is really frustrating because up until a month or so ago, she really seemed like she was over her marriage years ago. They lived at his fathers house for the past three years and hadn't slept in the same bed that entire time and their sex life was dismal ( once every two months or so). He treated her poorly never accompanied her anywhere, including his work Christmas parties which he attended alone and would verbally abuse and intimidate her. To top it all off he drives a BMW at the expense of his family not having a place of their own. I treat her great, we have fun I make her laugh and feel appreciated I even enrolled in some college courses she is in to be able to share more with her and to help her. Our sex life is fantastic and frankly I'm better looking! I'm hoping this is just a normal part of the process of leaving all you've known your entire adult life. I also think that since her boys now live with their father full time, she is missing them and therefore missing her old life. I see it in her face and it breaks my heart. I want to grab her and yell "don't you see how much I love you and how much you mean to me! He tested you like ****! That's why you left!" Thanks so much for the replies, it means so much to me! I really appreciate the support and the feedback.

I just left a response that took me twenty minutes and it's not showing up! Grrrr!

Miles, I am really sorry you are going through this and that you are in pain.

I am of the opinion that if you really love someone, you want what is best for them and for them to be happy. Despite your feelings about the situation.
Despite what you think you think or know is best for them.

If your girlfriend is miserable, IMHO, let her go. Tell her to leave. Encourage her to be happy and to do what is best for her. But also, make sure that you also put a timeline on things and make it very clear that you will not be waiting around forever. You'll need a type of closure so you can heal yourself. It's not easy (probably one of the hardest things you will ever have to do). But you can love her with everything you are made of. But you also (have to) love yourself just a teeny bit more. AND you also mentioned that there are a million reasons why she should choose you over the other person ... that is NO way to be in a relationship...it's crazy-making because love, attachment, sickness, mi, dynamics, etc complicated and don't make a bit of sense.

It's a cliche but it's true ... set it free.

Both you and your girlfriend will be better for your strength, fortitude and the strength that you show yourself.

She sounds as if she is in no position to make any more serious decisions. And you enabling her by being there is not helping you, her or the boys. at all.

I truly don't mean to sound harsh or critical. I am sincere in that I think you should take care of yourself and let her go.

Best wishes to you

Okay... but the issue here is that he has her kids, I think.

I left my ex and was in love before the divorce. We had a son together. This left me in poverty and then homeless. So, he got my son. The place I found to live was 900 miles away. So I went from being an at-home-mom to not seeing my son for a year. He was 3 years old. This nearly destroyed me.

How far away are her children? Does she get to see them regularly? Why did they go back to him? How old are they? This is very possibly trauma that i have experienced personally. I didn't miss my ex, (and still don't,) but had to get back to my son so we found a way to return to the town where I now live. I only get to see my son 2 times a month but it is better than nothing.

(((Miles)))

I can understand how frustrated and confused you are feeling right now. It sounded like she wasn't very happy or fulfilled at all by her husband. It makes sense, for your perspective, that her staying with you is a no-brainer. She's actually happy with you and she's able to do & be so much more!

The trick comes in with with her sons. I don't know how old her sons are, but things get tricky once kids are involved. You may live in an area that is far from their school ~ which would require switching schools, and a bunch of mumbo jumbo that can be a little traumatic. And that's on top of the fact that their father wasn't being a regular part of their lives. That's very traumatic. In my experience, kids need stability! I hope that they're now getting some help in therapy, to help them work through their confusion, guilt, resentment, and other emotions they may have towards things.

Your gf is a mom. First and foremost. She's probably got a lot of feelings that she's battling about leaving her hub, and how that may have affected her sons. Equaling guilt. I would advise you to let her make her own decision about what she wants to do. Maybe she will decide to stay with you and seek a divorce with split custody (or full-custody, w/ some visitations, if he's ever been abusive with the boys). But, she is an adult. She's a mother. Your gf has a right to do what's best for her and her boys.

Maybe that does include you. You need to be your ultimate #1 in the end. You have to hold your head up, restrain your ego a bit, and let your gf decide what's right for her to do. I wish you both the very best. Take care!

Good advice! I like this response! I agree... The issue may come from her kids... I wouldn't jump to saying, "Oh you're the rebound, leave her alone"... There are children involved... And she probably feels guilt....