[sesame]

My boyfriend and I have been together for quite a while, though we live an hour apart. I'll be honest and say that I enjoy having my personal space, while he wishes that we could be together more often.

The thing is, I feel like he doesn't respect me in regard to that personal space. When I get home from certain things that I go to alone, I feel like I need a bit of time to myself when I get back to my house to just relax and decompress. Not a long time or anything, just like 10 minutes to cool down, you know? I told him this before. Yet, when he wants to come over, and I tell him what time works for me, he always comes a lot earlier than I tell him to.

For example, if I was working until 6:30pm, and got home at around 7, I'd tell him to come for 7:30. Instead of actually listening to me, I'd get home at 7:15 and he'd be parked in front of my house waiting for me. This happened yesterday. I was really upset, because a. I wanted some time to myself to just cool down, and b. I told him to come later in the day. He even said that he'd been sitting in his car for half an hour. He could've went inside, my parents were home, but no, he sat in his car for 30 minutes!

He was really angry at me because I was slightly irritated over wanting a few minutes to myself. He mockingly whined about how incredibly stressful my life must be, and then today he sent me a few strings of nasty messages over not calling him back, calling me a selfish c*** (I went for a walk to pick up a movie and was then watching the movie with my parents, had my phone on silent, but I called him back once it was over). He didn't have anything important to say, and just talked for a few minutes about some movie he was watching as well. It wasn't an emergency, nothing worth getting upset over.

I feel like I have to justify myself to him (just noticed that I'm even doing it here), and I also feel like he just can't deal with me wanting a bit of space. We've been talking a lot about breaking up, as well him rattling off lists of a few things I do that really irritate him.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for, I just wanted to vent. He's been my best friend for almost 5 years, and it's terrible to see that kind of animosity gradually grow between people. I think he feels lonely a lot, and sometimes I think my desire to have some space to myself might feel like rejection to him. At the same time, him retaliating against my desire for personal space doesn't exactly make me want to genuinely spend more time with him.

[hamster-bamster]

Can you make an adjustment/correction for his habits when you tell him when to come? Say, you want him to come at 7:30, but knowing his habits you would tell him to come at 8:00, and everyone will be happy.

[Leed]

Hi Sesame -- While you must feel good that he wants to spend SO much time with you, I guess I can understand your need for space.

But it sounds like you've gotten bored with each other. Can't you do something to spice up your relationship? Why not go out more if you can afford it. Can you take a trip somewhere over the weekend, or perhaps take a few days off work if you have the time coming? Do you have some friends you can do some things with? What activities do you two like that you could do together? You've got to spice things up -- sounds like you're bored to tears with each other.

Try to get something going in your life with your bf so it's not the same thing all the time. Maybe you wouldn't want so much space from him if you got a little life in your relationship. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

((((Sesame)))) I can relate to the whole needing time alone thing to decompress. I am sorry your bf mocked you and that he somehow doesnt seem to get it. I really like the whole add a half hour/hour to the meet time. Also, perhaps it would be good to make plans to spend a few days together (mini vacation / getaway type thing).

You guys have been together for quite a time now. So life has definitely set in for your relationship Does he have friends that he does things with and/or hobbies for himself? In the long haul, I think it is really good for the relationship if you guys have together stuff and separate stuff to do (for example, you have book club one night every few weeks and he has poker or goes mountain biking with his buddies). And then, you two have "date night" too

I would also try to sit down with him and ask him what it really is that he is having a hard time eith in terms of you needing de-stress time and why he cannot respect your needs. Esp if you eant to continue with the relationship.

Best wishes to you. I hope you two can work things out!

Originally Posted by sesame

He was really angry at me because I was slightly irritated over wanting a few minutes to myself. He mockingly whined about how incredibly stressful my life must be, and then today he sent me a few strings of nasty messages over not calling him back, calling me a selfish c*** (I went for a walk to pick up a movie and was then watching the movie with my parents, had my phone on silent, but I called him back once it was over). He didn't have anything important to say, and just talked for a few minutes about some movie he was watching as well. It wasn't an emergency, nothing worth getting upset over.

First off, it's not like anything new to him. You seem to have made that clear to him already. Him coming early already is disrespectful of your needs, he seems to simply ignore your wishes and you can't let that go on. Second, the fact that he got angry, shows he doesn't even make an attempt to understand where you're coming from or consider your feellings. Lastly, the fact that he would call you such a degrading name as you said... I'm sorry but this guy, if he hasn't always been, has become very selfish IMO. He sounds very self absorbed. Like his needs are all important and yours aren't even a consideration, that you didn't answer his call etc...

Originally Posted by sesame

... as well him rattling off lists of a few things I do that really irritate him.

Why am I not surprised? You do need to have a talk with him. He clearly has no respect for your boundaries and ground rules need to be made IMO. If he doesn't want to accept them, you might ask yourself if this is really the right guy for you.

Just my 2c

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

First off, it's not like anything new to him. You seem to have made that clear to him already. Him coming early already is disrespectful of your needs, he seems to simply ignore your wishes and you can't let that go on. Second, the fact that he got angry, shows he doesn't even make an attempt to understand where you're coming from or consider your feellings. Lastly, the fact that he would call you such a degrading name as you said... I'm sorry but this guy, if he hasn't always been, has become very selfish IMO. He sounds very self absorbed. Like his needs are all important and yours aren't even a consideration, that you didn't answer his call etc...


Why am I not surprised? You do need to have a talk with him. He clearly has no respect for your boundaries and ground rules need to be made IMO. If he doesn't want to accept them, you might ask yourself if this is really the right guy for you.

Just my 2c

I am glad you wrote that, as it was similar to what I was thinking. Its all well and good being keen to see you, but that romantic cuteness has gone the moment he lost his temper and got nasty.

My b/f used to get sad when we were in a long distant relationship, as my weekend didnt start until Sat eve and his on a Friday. He wanted to drive and see me on the Friday night and I said no, explained that I needed space to unwind etc, and my job back then was very demanding, with a 4.30am alarm call. But he respected my choice, even tho he really wanted to see me earlier.

Originally Posted by riotgrrrl

I am glad you wrote that, as it was similar to what I was thinking. Its all well and good being keen to see you, but that romantic cuteness has gone the moment he lost his temper and got nasty.

My b/f used to get sad when we were in a long distant relationship, as my weekend didnt start until Sat eve and his on a Friday. He wanted to drive and see me on the Friday night and I said no, explained that I needed space to unwind etc, and my job back then was very demanding, with a 4.30am alarm call. But he respected my choice, even tho he really wanted to see me earlier.

Good for him. That's how it should be. Some men, well women too, I'm sure, don't understand how much that plays into the relationship and how it strengthens things if you just respect the wishes of the other person.

I have to add though, I convict myself here as I have broken this rule myself in my past so please don't take this as judgemental. I can understand the urge to do that too so :/