boyfriend called me a dumb ****

This relationship is past its expiration date. I feel so keyed up knowing I have nowhere to go. We're living apart right now-- I'm subletting from a friend whose lease is up. We're supposed to move in together at the end of the week... no family or friends and I can hardly afford a place in this town, which is a difficult thing. But I can use my savings it's what they're for. I told him I am leaving him though I want so badly to take it back.

This so called love is crushing my spirit. Much like any other love it is just ending in disrespect and domination. So be it. I don't know whether to fight it or just let it. I've never had much common sense that way.

(((lastyearisblank)))

Not real nice of your bf to call you mean names.

Has this happened before, or is it pretty new in this relationship? Have you been in other romantic relationships that were emotionally and/or physically abusive? Just curious. We tend to fall into patterns of picking the same types of partners.

I'd advise you to use your savings and get a small place that you can manage to pay yourself. Rent a room in someone's house, a studio apartment, whatever. Point is, you're not leaning on anyone, and your self-esteem ought to go up. Because you CAN do it! Don't take him back, unless you are both willing to enter couple's counseling immediately. Otherwise, that's taking a step backward and losing self-esteem.

(((hugs)))

Yeah- my last partner I broke it off with when they called me ugly, and the previous one when he got physical with me. Honestly, I don't think it's a pattern or something you can predict in some ways. I don't think there are that many truly good partners out there.

This is the first time he has called me a dumb ****, but not the first time I have been bothered by his anger. He is in therapy to fix it. He always says I'm sorry I'm sorry but I end up crying a few times a week over him, feeling sad and empty over the fights he picks. The rest of the time it's ok and even good. He's not adult and he doesn't control his anger even though he should. He says he is sorry but then he just doesn't. That bothers me because I think that should be a prerequisite to trust the other person to be able to control their anger and not get mad over little things.

It will be fine, there are plenty of other fish in the sea I just feel so hurt and sad right now. Truth be told I don't know if I will leave him... I never do until it hurts too much not to. I just don't have much common sense like I said before so it's partly my fault.

Honestly I don't know why I posted this... :....( I'm so stupid.

It sounds like you do have a pattern of being with men who have abusive issues, which shouts out to me that you have low self-esteem. Especially when you blame yourself for sticking around until it hurts too much not to leave. And, no, you aren't stupid.

You have a sad history. Perhaps learned by what you saw in your house as you grew up, or more generally in society. Decent men are out there. It can be real hard to believe that, I know! But, I've met quite a few really decent men over the years. (I've also met some sleazeballs) It's a cue that we need to be less anxious to fill that huge whole inside of ourselves. We need to deal with the loneliness and anxiety, working upon our self-esteem, and build patience to meet a decent man.

Thank you....

I needed a good cry.

It's true and very insightful (the above) and it would make me sadder.... if it didn't make me hopping mad!...

No more sad story. This too shall pass.

It's not you who's stupid

I can relate, that's all I ever get is insulted, called names and made to feel worthless...verbal abuse is almost as bad as physical in my opinion

I am going to leave him. I have to.

Today I'm a "smartass." Is that better than dumbshit? Or is it worse now that I know how uncomfortable he really is with me not being a doormat?

Now being smart is an insult too. That's what it really is with people who do this. They feel inferior and small.

There may not seem to be many good men out there who will treat you right but I think there are plenty but the ones that are the loudest and most noticeable tend to be the b'tards. Seriously. :/

I'm sorry for the asshat that he is and how you've been treated. that's just completely uncalled for.

*hugs*

You're absolutely right. And you deserve to be happy.

Lastyearisblank... He is not worth it. It will just get worse, you are making the right decision. I dated a guy who called me names, and it escalated to him making fun of my weight and supporting my eating disorder. One night when he was drunk he pushed me, hard.

You'll find that guy who will treat you like you deserve to be treated. You are doing the right thing!

I am certainly not sitting here telling you that what he is doing is right, because it is definitely not. I will say this, though, people are very loose with their words. I have been in a lot of relationships similar to this. Sometimes they would be the one to call me names, sometimes I would be, and sometimes both. What I really learned during those relationships is that some relationships just can't work. For whatever reason, he can't control his anger around you. That isn't a good sign. Could he change? Sure, but you don't want to wait around and find out.

I was in a long-term relationship when I was younger and I didn't know how to handle this. I would let me anger get the best of me. I was never physically abusive to anyone, but I would use hurtful words at times. It is something I learned to control. I also made it back with that person and we never had problems like that again. I also hadn't ever let my anger get to me like I did when I was with her. I learned that at that point in my life, I couldn't handle being with her. Sometimes that's just how it is. Think of it as two chemicals being mixed together. Sometimes nothing happens, and sometimes they explode. It works that way with people too.

One more thing you need to know is that people who start the name calling and aggression are going to test you and see what you allow them to do. He is going to start off slow, and if you allow it and continue to stay with him it will get worse and worse. You have to let him know right away that you aren't someone who can take that, and that he can not treat you like that. You have to show him you won't take it, even if you have to leave him. People who act like that will test their limits, you can't let that happen.

Wishing you the best in this difficult time.

You need to get away from him. This is not a healthy relationship.

Verbal abuse is so damaging. Almost as much as physical I think. Things that are said stick with you. You deserve to find someone who loves you. It may not seem like it right now, but someone *is* out there. Hang in there!