Re: Frustrated

My hubby is willing to accept a 40% decrease in his income. I cannot understand him. He has an unemployed wife and a new baby and he is okay with not looking for a better job? (background: his current gov't job is ending and he is sliding into a position created for him because his boss likes him.)

He currently has a secret security clearance. I'm certain he can find another job making more than what he is making now . . . if only he would apply for other jobs.

I'm so frustrated. I just do not have the skills to talk to him and convince him he needs to apply for other jobs. I want to cry every time I think about it.

I always think about me and how I would do things. I would be determined to do all I could to provide for my family. But, I have to put myself into his shoes. I need to be more empathetic. I know he has his self-esteem issues.

I wish I knew how to bring this topic up in marriage counseling without offending him. I've mentioned applying for other jobs at least 3 times. We've discussed this a little in marriage counseling. But, last session he said he was going to accept this job; he said it so happily.

Auggh!!!!!!!

Priorities. Does the job have health care and stuff like that? If it has good benefits, that's worth a fortune...... and to have such support from his boss.... hard to leave a comfy groove.
If hubby can cope better, and family basics are being covered, is more money necessary?

Could you consider this a breather on his part and look ahead to a time when he might be more willing to consider moving on, and refocus on you. He's going through what he's going through and can't be pushed, changed to do it "your way".

Could you maybe get down with yoourself and make lists: get clear about what you feel more money would accomplish. Once it's down on paper, your head may calm down a little. Get creative and refocus away from what you can't do into the world of what you can do.

You are the only person you can use your will on to make changes. When one person changes, the whole picture changes and we never know how it will turn out, we just know it will move.... All we can do is our part as best we can and (as hard as it is to watch) assume others are doing their best too.

In the meantime, throw ice cubes against hard surfaces.....

hillbunnyb . . . . . . i'll have to reread your post a few times . . . and think more about your suggestions.

i can't think straight about this. i keep wondering how we are going to survive taking this 40% decrease in pay.

the new gov't job is a contract position, therefore there are no benefits, except job familarity.

here in the DC area, if you have a security clearance you are a hot commodity. i see no reason we should have to suffer with the pay cut.

my hubby comes home exhausted from work. they overwork him and he doesn't enjoy the job. this fact adds to my frustration. he isn't "applying" himself because of his self-esteem and depression issues. i'm not able to mention his depression without setting him off . . . defensive, anger, argumentative passive-agressive-like.

i want to help uplift him, not push him into what i want him to be. i need to be tender. i need to be patient.

May I ask? - could it be that your husband is afraid of FAILURE, therefore, he remains in a place that scares him as well? (btw - males fear failure more than death it self).

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

Stress from the "better" job is not worth his health
remeber things can be replaced peoples emotions and well being can't, be happy he's happy
Hubby and I get by on 898.00 a month it's tight but we have each other

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nothemama8 said:
Stress from the "better" job is not worth his health
remeber things can be replaced peoples emotions and well being can't, be happy he's happy
Hubby and I get by on 898.00 a month it's tight but we have each other

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> > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > AMEN!!!!

you said you are not working and a new baby. I don't know how old the baby is but maybe you could also get a job to help out?
Most families these days have both working to even make ends meet. just a thought.

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hillbunnyb said:
Priorities. Does the job have health care and stuff like that? If it has good benefits, that's worth a fortune...... and to have such support from his boss.... hard to leave a comfy groove.
If hubby can cope better, and family basics are being covered, is more money necessary?

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I'm not sure if our family's basic needs can be covered with the decrease in pay. I think we need to move, but my hubby and I do not see eye to eye about moving. We live in one of the most expensive regions in the US.

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hillbunnyb said:
Could you consider this a breather on his part and look ahead to a time when he might be more willing to consider moving on, and refocus on you.

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hillbunnyb . . . that is the wise thing to do. In the meantime, I want to be able to discuss things like "how to get out of debt" and "how to save for a downpayment on a house" and "how to save for our son's college" and stuff like that without me feeling like I'm trying to change my hubby. I'm sure he feels a lot of pressure providing for us, a new baby and an emotionally unstable wife.

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hillbunnyb said:
Could you maybe get down with yoourself and make lists: get clear about what you feel more money would accomplish. Once it's down on paper, your head may calm down a little. Get creative and refocus away from what you can't do into the world of what you can do.

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This is exactly what we need to work on in marriage counseling. I'll try to organize my thoughts before next session.

Thank you again for you suggestions . . . ((((((hillbunnyb)))))))

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Rhapsody said:
May I ask? - could it be that your husband is afraid of FAILURE, therefore, he remains in a place that scares him as well? (btw - males fear failure more than death it self).

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I imagine so. He never really had someone root for him. He hates compliments.

I wish he could see his full potential. He has so many good qualities.

I'm starting to realize how complex this issue really is . . . . Augghh!!!!!!

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nothemama8 said:
Stress from the "better" job is not worth his health
remeber things can be replaced peoples emotions and well being can't, be happy he's happy
Hubby and I get by on 898.00 a month it's tight but we have each other

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I think stress from his current employer is too much for my hubby. The boss is creating a contract for him, doing the same job and same amount of work for less money. That is outrageous to me.

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bebop said:
you said you are not working and a new baby. I don't know how old the baby is but maybe you could also get a job to help out?
Most families these days have both working to even make ends meet. just a thought.

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I'm disabled. I'm in a voc rehab program but due to the arrival of the baby, I had to interrupt training. The baby is 4 months old.

I have a phobia or fear of anyone taking care of my baby. (Because of the abuse, incest, and rapes that happened to me) . . . I freak out so easily, just thinking how someone could hurt my baby. I know it's crazy. But my husband and I have agreed that until our son is able to talk and tell us if someone hurt him, then we won't be leaving him alone with others. He'll be with me or my hubby. So I guess when he is 4 years old, I'll be able to resume my voc rehab program.

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jennie said:
I have a phobia or fear of anyone taking care of my baby. (Because of the abuse, incest, and rapes that happened to me) . . . I freak out so easily, just thinking how someone could hurt my baby. I know it's crazy. But my husband and I have agreed that until our son is able to talk and tell us if someone hurt him, then we won't be leaving him alone with others. He'll be with me or my hubby. So I guess when he is 4 years old, I'll be able to resume my voc rehab program.

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((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))

I understand and I think (feel) that you and your husband have made a good decision here - your child will be better off from having his mother at home with him.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

seems like nothing is simple anynore, huh? Full time jobs that do not povide a living wage for a family drive me nuts. I hope you can find one little thing at a time to change to make things easier. Just living in the DC area would be enough to cash my chips in. Hang in there, we're behind ya.

IDK the whole circumstance of the contract of your husband's employment...but unless he signed on for the limited time, he should be able to receive the same pay for whatever job he "slides" into. That's one of the benefits of working for the government.

It's easier to have a job at reduced pay than none at all.

He can take the reduction (if he has to) and while he's working, look for a better paying position..thus keeping the benefits intact (and the opportunity to transfer them to a new position.)

TC

It sounds very hard.
As a person with self-esteem issues, I can relate to your husband. When I get a new job, I feel like I have been sentenced to six months of When-are they-going-to-fire-me land. I don't have any idea how to decrease the fear/anxiety that I feel when I get a new job. I suspect your husband may have a high level of anxiety in new jobs too. He also sounds like he copes sometimes by denial. I have an amazing capacity for denial too. Patience is deffinately a must in your situation. However, it is something that I doubt I could have.
Is there any kind of side job that you can do to make money from home? Would you consider babysitting some other people's kids with your kid? That is a way to make some extra money and still be there for your kid. Is there any kind of budget cuts that you can make? Since the reduction in pay is 40%, I suspect that this going to be painful for all of you. I make 8 dollars and something an hour. So, I know how unpleasant tight/tiny weenie budgets are.
Well, I hope you can live through this and reach better times.

jennie reading all your post one can feel the love you have of your husband. good luck on everything. I agree with not leaving the baby for sure if you don't feel comfortable leaving with a sitter. I can understand that one. I will keep you and family in my prayers.

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Rhapsody said:

((((((( HUGS ))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))))

I understand and I think (feel) that you and your husband have made a good decision here - your child will be better off from having his mother at home with him.

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Thanks for your support . . . Rhapsody ((((huggs))))

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hillbunnyb said:

seems like nothing is simple anynore, huh? Full time jobs that do not povide a living wage for a family drive me nuts. I hope you can find one little thing at a time to change to make things easier. Just living in the DC area would be enough to cash my chips in. Hang in there, we're behind ya.

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Thanks . . . hillbunnyb ((((huggs))))

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_Sky said:

It's easier to have a job at reduced pay than none at all.

He can take the reduction (if he has to) and while he's working, look for a better paying position.

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That's true. I'll try to think positively. I appreciate your input, _Sky.

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Hopefull said:

Is there any kind of side job that you can do to make money from home? Would you consider babysitting some other people's kids with your kid? That is a way to make some extra money and still be there for your kid. Is there any kind of budget cuts that you can make? Since the reduction in pay is 40%, I suspect that this going to be painful for all of you. I make 8 dollars and something an hour. So, I know how unpleasant tight/tiny weenie budgets are.
Well, I hope you can live through this and reach better times.

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I become stressed (dissociate) really easily. I'm still in recovery, stabilizing my mental health issues. I'm not a multi-tasker . . . I must focus on what I'm trying to do, or nothing gets accomplished, and I end up feeling pitiful. Being an excellent mom to my infant and taking care of things at home are where I'm putting all my energy. I'd like to sell my artwork and write books, but I don't have time now.

Budget cuts are a must. I'm just hoping they're not necessary for too long. I hope my hubby lets me send out his resume to potential employers.

About budgets . . . it doesn't really matter how much someone makes . . . you can be bringing in a 7-figure yearly income and still be hurting because debts and standard of living exceed income.

I didn't expect the 40% decrease. I was in denial . . . hoping my hubby would be applying for jobs.

Thanks . . . ((((Hopefull)))))

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bebop said:

jennie reading all your post one can feel the love you have of your husband. good luck on everything. I agree with not leaving the baby for sure if you don't feel comfortable leaving with a sitter. I can understand that one. I will keep you and family in my prayers.

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((((((bebop))))) . . . my hubby is a good man and excellent daddy. Before we were married, he was the only person that was there for me. I would be alone or dead today if I never gave him a chance in my life. Financial problems are so minute to how things were in the past for me. I know everything in life can't be perfect. I'm so blessed. Thanks for your support and prayers.

(((jennie)))) I am glad you have a good man! I know the money problems for sure! I am out on workman's comp right now so I am bringing at least a little bit so but still I have to sit back and watch my poor hubby work and come home to do housework but hey he loves me and that helps a bunch! you hang in there hon. keeping you in my prayers! hug that baby for me will ya? I want one!! lol

jennie, you have such a good heart and i know that this will be okay. it will pass and better days are to come. you're so supportive and loving and i love you for it.......xoxoxo pat