[wounded1]

After ten years of fighting to try and make our marriage work, I have finally called it quits with my husband. Being the kind of person who needs the "why" for everything, I have been reading everything I can get my hands on about emotionally unavailable men. I have always known that my husband suffers from depression (for which he has never sought help of any kind), but have come to discover that he is a classic case of passive aggressive personality disorder (seriously, they could post his picture next to the definition). I now get why our marriage didn't work. I came into it with abandonment and trust issues which made me want to fight tooth and nail to "make him love me." I realize now that nothing I could have done would have achieved what I wanted - communication and a full emotional commitment, and that without intensive therapy and possibly medication his behaviors will continue. My question is, do I tell him what I think is wrong with him? I have told him for years that I think he is depressed, begged him to seek help and met with nothing but resistance. We are forced to live together until the new year and right now the only time we speak to each other is when it pertains to the kids (which is my choice, I need to distance myself so I can heal). I know the marriage is over, but I am worried that if he doesn't face his issues he may never form any sort of meaningful emotional connection to our three kids (9,7,4). He has always waffled back and forth between what I call his "moments of clarity", when he realizes that he has issues that hurt the people around him and defiance - claiming that we should all just accept him the way he is. Do email him a bunch of links to aggressive personality disorder articles and say "hey, read this stuff it may help"? I get the feeling I would be wasting my time. Thanks in advance for any opinions.

[Leed]

I wouldn't e-mail him anything about it and ask him to read it -- it's only going to make him mad, and distance him even further from you. He'll just resent it, and resent you too for "diagnosing" him.

The only way he's going to change is getting help. Maybe in one of his moments' of clarity he'll realize that he's hurting others as well as himself. I'm sorry your marriage failed, but when one partner is emotionally unavailable, and won't seek help, that often happens.

Just be careful when seeking another partner that you don't end up with the same thing -- often we are attracted to the same kinds of men as we had before, so watch very carefully that you don't fall into the same patterns.

Best of luck and I wish you the very best. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[chroma66]

I'm new here, this is actually my second post. Your post really got me because I think my boyfriend (of 12 years) has serious passive-agressive issues. I admire your courage in taking steps to heal yourself and leave a toxic relationship, but it sounds like the best thing for your children. I mean, the reason this forum exists is because of dysfunctional families! It sounds like other people besides yourself have become frustrated with his behavior as well. Maybe you can see what some of these folks have to say and possibly set up some sort of intervention scenario. I have to say that I've worked with mentally ill people before and NONE of them want to take their medications at first-even if they are living under an overpass. However, I have seen severely mentally ill folks obtain housing and - after a few tries-really turn around 180. Wishing you and your little ones the best of luck whatever happens with the husband!

[IceCreamKid]

I'm not a medical professional, but I doubt your husband needs medication so much as he needs a moment of clarity about what his poor adaptation to life -- passive aggressiveness -- has cost him: his marriage, a loving relationship with his children, and no doubt a happy state of mind. Because you have small children you might suggest family therapy -- maybe it could be a condition of the divorce -- and if I were you, I'd listen to the children very carefully about their interactions with Dad; passive aggressives look for the next weakest person to dump their anger on, but it might be subtle and you don't want the children growing up harboring the idea "dad doesn't love me because I did/didn't do/can't do/ this [insert other unbalanced reason why passive aggressive people act the way they do]"

You're no doubt aware passive aggressives can and will wait for an opportunity to 'pay back' whoever is on their list of victims (they see scores that are not there and settle them inappropriately). So even though there is no communication between you two now, be aware he might have plenty to say at the time of divorce.

You have my sympathy.

[cannontide]

Hello -
I can't tell you how similar my situation is to yours. It's really uncanning. I too have been married nearly 10 years and am in a VERY similar situation. Thank you for posting this. I've never been in a relationship with someone like my husband so I too am at a loss on what to do. I know I need to get out but I don't know how at the moment. To compound the issues, his Mother lives with us and she is even more passive aggressive than he is (if that's possible). I feel like I am living in a war zone. I look forward to hearing more about your situation and what happens as I am looking for any possible guidance myself. It's so hard to know what to do for our children. I wish you all the luck and hope to hear more. Thank you for sharing, at least I'm not alone.

Originally Posted by wounded1

After ten years of fighting to try and make our marriage work, I have finally called it quits with my husband. Being the kind of person who needs the "why" for everything, I have been reading everything I can get my hands on about emotionally unavailable men. I have always known that my husband suffers from depression (for which he has never sought help of any kind), but have come to discover that he is a classic case of passive aggressive personality disorder (seriously, they could post his picture next to the definition). I now get why our marriage didn't work. I came into it with abandonment and trust issues which made me want to fight tooth and nail to "make him love me." I realize now that nothing I could have done would have achieved what I wanted - communication and a full emotional commitment, and that without intensive therapy and possibly medication his behaviors will continue. My question is, do I tell him what I think is wrong with him? I have told him for years that I think he is depressed, begged him to seek help and met with nothing but resistance. We are forced to live together until the new year and right now the only time we speak to each other is when it pertains to the kids (which is my choice, I need to distance myself so I can heal). I know the marriage is over, but I am worried that if he doesn't face his issues he may never form any sort of meaningful emotional connection to our three kids (9,7,4). He has always waffled back and forth between what I call his "moments of clarity", when he realizes that he has issues that hurt the people around him and defiance - claiming that we should all just accept him the way he is. Do email him a bunch of links to aggressive personality disorder articles and say "hey, read this stuff it may help"? I get the feeling I would be wasting my time. Thanks in advance for any opinions.

[hamster-bamster]

This is first time I hear about medication helping with passive-aggressiveness. Depression, sure, but not passive aggressiveness. Look, you have tried to have him seek help for depression and failed - do not keep trying. I think my ex H is delusional and needs APs - his delusion, in my mind, is that I have ruined his life in every aspect of it including a bad renovation project done by a contractor whom he has selected without my participation. So I recommended a good doctor. Has he gone to see him? No. You husband is not going to listen to you either. Just forget about it and think about how YOU will spend YOUR life without him.

[wounded1]

Originally Posted by cannontide

Hello -
I can't tell you how similar my situation is to yours. It's really uncanning. I too have been married nearly 10 years and am in a VERY similar situation. Thank you for posting this. I've never been in a relationship with someone like my husband so I too am at a loss on what to do. I know I need to get out but I don't know how at the moment. To compound the issues, his Mother lives with us and she is even more passive aggressive than he is (if that's possible). I feel like I am living in a war zone. I look forward to hearing more about your situation and what happens as I am looking for any possible guidance myself. It's so hard to know what to do for our children. I wish you all the luck and hope to hear more. Thank you for sharing, at least I'm not alone.

I am so sorry you are going through this too! My house is no longer a war zone, but it is very uncomfortable. What makes it easier for me is that I've stopped fighting. I know he will be moving out in the near future and have accepted full responsibility for everything in the house and everything with the kids (part of our issue was that he would never take responsibility for anything). I decided to start my new life now, which means expecting nothing from him.

I did email him yesterday with a link to an article about passive aggressive men, one that describes exactly what my life with him has been like for the last ten years. I know it probably changed nothing for him, but I needed to have him hear those things. I have no expectations of a response and definitely none of any change.

The hardest part of my whole situation is that I still love him and wish that I could "fix" him (my terrible fault when it comes to men). If he could deal with his issues and change his passive aggressive behaviors I know we could have had a wonderful life together. It's the most heart breaking thing in the world to face the fact that you fell in love with a man who will never be able to love you back. I am struggling to accept this, but I have good days and bad days. Reconnecting with old friends and the support I receive from my current ones (as well as the words of wisdom found here!) are all helping me move forward. Most of all, I have decided that I want and deserve happiness. I always knew I did, which is why my marriage was a battle ground from very early on, but now I know the only way I can have it is without him.

Thank you again to all.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by wounded1

Reconnecting with old friends and the support I receive from my current ones (as well as the words of wisdom found here!) are all helping me move forward. Most of all, I have decided that I want and deserve happiness.

All of that is wonderful and promising.

[cannontide]

Crazy because just last night, I too sent him information I found about passive aggressive behavior. His response was "I'm only like this when I'm with you.". I have to tell you, from your post alone, I have finally found the key to my sanity. I've said for YEARS that he was passive aggressive but I had not real idea what that meant like I do now. After reading your original post, I immediately got on the internet and started researching passive aggressive behavior. It was like someone had written a diary of my last 10 years! For the first time, I feel like I know what is going to happen and why. I actually left him a year and a half ago and as all the research says, he did not see or talk to our kids for 7 months. He stripped me financially and did not give me one penny in 7 months for the boys. Although I BEGGED him to see and talk to his kids during this 7 months and even bought our 5 year old his own cell phone so he had direct access to him, he still blamed his choices on me. He has threatened to lie to a judge and paint the picture that I am an unfit parent (good luck), he also went to everyone he could get to listen and spread tons of lies about me during this 7 months. My boys were so miserable without him and I did not understand why our marriage couldn't work (I think I was still blaming myself because I had no other explanation and he convinced me it was my fault) so I went back to him. That was 1 year ago. Over the last year, he has now stripped me financially, moved assets in to his mother's name, said horrible things about me to other people, and has tried to prevent me from getting a job, getting medical care, and has forced me to beg for money to take care of our kids. It's been a nightmare for me.....

Thanks to your post however, I now FINALLY see the light. His behavior is NOT my fault. I cannot love him through this. I cannot fix him. I cannot save this marriage, no matter how hard I try (and God knows I have). It just doesn't matter how much I love him or my family, it's never going to change and it's only going to keep getting worse. Thank you again for sharing. I look forward to hearing more about your journey. It will be interesting to see where we both end up.....