Can My Marriage Be Saved...

What a long weekend... but if I am honest what a long time this has been coming. My wife admitted to an emotional affair with one of my best friends. The thing is, as hurt as I am I am more hurt knowing that my actions, temper and mood have led to this moment. I am not angry or hateful towards her... I am sorry that I have damaged someone and something that has sustained and strenghend me. I am sorry that I hurt someone I love so much to drive them... us... to this moment.

My wife has been asking me to seek treatment for depression for a long time, and finally I am getting help. I just started seeing a therapist and will be starting meds soon as well. But as we were crying on the kitchen floor together Friday night she told me "I love you... but I'm not in love with you..." I told her I still loved her deeply and wanted to do whatever I could to save our marriage.

She said she doesn't know what she wants and that she wished I had gotten help earlier... and now so do I... but that she was willing to try counseling and was "hopeful" that the marriage could be saved but that it will take time to heal all the hurt I caused. I don't care how long it takes... I just want to do it! She is afraid I can't change and that the miserable man I was will never lift. I have the help and now the impetus to change! I WANT TO CHANGE!

But, and it is a fair point, she has wanted me to change for so long and I haven't. I think because I never admitted I was depressed. I thought it was stress or frustration or whatever. She is scared I won't change. I need to prove it and be patient. I need to work and try and work some more, and I know this now.

If my wife is willing to work on counseling, is still talking to me (about work, football, firends but not our marriage), is hopeful that the marriage can be saved (she said if I can and do change my attitude and temper there is better than 50:50)... can I, by acting and changing on my part, rekindle her love and save this marriage... has anyone experienced this and been successful.

I am so stressed and sad and exhausted... but I want to fight. She and my kids are too dang important. This is the battle of my life and I need to know if there is hope.

I have not been in your situation, and I am bipolar rather than depressive anyway, but try to check with your wife to see what her expectations are. She wants you to change. Fine, but it is very vague. Read about SMART goals.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SMART_criteria And set goals. "to change" is not a smart goal, as you will see after you have read the wikipedia article.

While I have not been in your situation, I have seen people who were put on probation at work and were able to retain employment, and those who weren't (but found better employment eventually, so all is still well). Your situation is similar to probation. So you need a plan and you need to know what achievements are expected of you.

As a general rule, the more sex and exercise you can manage, the more your stress level will go down. Sex will double up as well to help the marriage, whereas exercise will double up to lift the depression. Win-win.

Sorry, just reread your post. I missed that "She said she doesn't know what she wants". That makes it much trickier. Maybe a good exercise is for her to compare you now with back when she chose you to be her companion. What has changed in undesirable ways? How can you go back?

Hi, well I think you have answered your question. The answer is YES!!! you have admitted you have problems and now its time to get help. You will also need to give your spouse some "time" to herself. This is no excuse for her to cheat on you. She needs help as well. I'm thinking she has not felt great emotionally and that can make people "easy pray" your good friend is not a friend at all. You will have to find a way to really forgive her and she needs to forgive you so you two can move forward repairing. Your wife will start to see the changes your making and you will need to really make changes. I think its going to be hard at first but you will need to controll yourself and not allow anger and frustration to come out. This is the time you will need to be open for things you have not done before. I think you two will need to try a date night at least once per couple weeks and really make it special. If you really want this to work in your heart and soul, you can and will. remember you can only control you, dont try to control her. And please give each other some space. I do really wish you the best.

I am trying to change my attitude in little and big things... honestly it feels good to be changing. I believe this is all for the best... I am getting treatment, we are getting treatment and the elephant in the room is being addressed. I am really stressed, hurt and worried... but also determined, motivated and purposeful. My wife, children and marriage are too important to throw in the towel. I am right to fight for her, not with her. Hopefully in a few months I can post good news as an update. I am so glad I found this site right when I needed it.

Thank you!

You are optimistic and determined, which virtually guarantees a good outcome.

Best of luck!

Thank you. It's very hard and has been so lonely for so long. I know we both still love each other... but she's been hurt and I've felt alone so long... I hope and pray there is a spark there... something we can build on. I am so tired of waking up in an empty bed... I am so broken by never heating I lover you back. I just want to help her see how good we can be together. Man, I hurt inside so bad... I think I how much she may have been hurting.

I can't sleep barely at all anymore...I can hardly eat and I've lost sixteen pounds since Christmas...I feel killer I'm dying of a broken heart.

Maybe turh the first paragraph of your last post into a letter to her. And the last paragraph should go to your pdoc as you are reciting typical symptoms of depression. And you need a sleep medicine urgently, I would think.

First I'm sorry but i have to say this. I don't care what your issues are and what problems you have or Mental Illnesses, you dont' drive anyone that's committed to a relationship to have any kind of an affair. Please don't ever take the blame for something that she had the choice to do. An emotional affair or physical it doesn't matter. She had the choice to stay in the marriage or break it off to be with someone else, it was never a choice to mess around and stay married. She was wrong and clearly has her own issues too. Don't take the blame that you caused all of her issues either. I have heard that time and again - and I'm not picking at women, men do this too. "I wasn't loved enough... you did this... you did that" So what? work on the marriage or leave! Cheating is never an option. I'm sorry I just get sick of hearing the one that is faithful taking the blame for the one that cheated. Don't do that.

Again, I know you have issues but remember marriage is two people. You need to get your help with your depression but that's not all. You nee to get help together too. I highly doubt that everything that has broken down the marriage is your fault. Both sides always contribute. That's the truth. Both sides need to work to fix it. If she's unwilling to face that she may have done things wrong too, then I am sorry but it's very unlikely that your getting help will fix it all either. I hate to say that but it's true.

yes I think so. if she is willing to get counseling with you then it is very possible if you do your part. I still feel that it's one sided and she's blaming you for the brunt of it, but... counseling can help get you both to a point where you see where both of you went wrong. It can work.

I'm glad you want to fight. Never give up until you're sure there is no way that it will work. The obvious case is if she wasn't going to work with you on it. So you still have hope! Get to counseling for you and your marriage both and you can make it work!

Just please don't be a doormat just because you have depression.

~s4

S4ndm4n, thank you so much for the thoughtful and through reply. My therapist basically told me the same thing today. No matter how bad my temper and arguments were, there is no excuse for breaking the sacred trust that marriage implies.

He told me wanting to reconcile is fine, but that I am letting her off the hook by taking 100% of the blame and feeling guilty. He said not to let her off scot free. I won't do that... but I also know that I had a hand in hurting my wife (not causing her to cheat... that's wholly on her). I want us both to heal... both to grow... both to fix this.

I think her coldness and detached nature right now is guilt. She won't admit it... but she feels horribly guilty.

I still want to fight for our marriage and love... but I want to do it as partners, not adversaries.

I APPLAUD you for this! You have a determination and drive that most of us with depression cannot find and are facing a situation that most of us would run from! Good for you! There is NO excuse for her or your friends behavior. However, I feel that she may have been at the end of her hope and what started out as friendly discussions among two people who know and care about you, got carried away. And while doing what she knew was wrong she found in her heart that your relationship still matters. Otherwise she may have not been honest with you. Maybe she felt that if she was honest about this and you didn't get angry like before, then you were making progress in your therapy and she now understands how hard you are willing to work. BUT she has work to do too. I hope that the two of you will be able to nurture your relationship and it will be as strong as ever or stronger! It is going to take time. You didn't change over night. Her feelings for you didn't change over night. I pray that you both allow a reasonable amount of time for things to get better. Now that you are feeling better about yourself and dealing with your depression, it will reflect in other areas of your life. I hope she understands what she has in you. I don't know you or her, but any man who puts so much out there for strangers to read, has something special to give the ones he loves! Wishing you many years of wedded bliss and strength!

Thank you for your kind words. I hope the same, that with time and hard work we can rescue the love we once had. I know she was at the end of her hope, and I bear her no anger or malice at all. I am hurt... but so is she. The magnitude may be different but the hurt is still there. I am looking forward to the day I can share with you all that we made this work!

You can save the marriage and should be commended for doing so. Marriage is a commitment. Hang in there. At least you recognized that you could change things before it's too late. God bless.

I agree with S4ndm4n, a successful relationship takes 2. You are not at fault for everything that went wrong, and you both have to be willing to work on things. If you are both willing to work on it and be committed to the relationship, then I would say there is definitely hope. Good luck.