So I'm in my fortys and my husband and I are seperated but I kind of want to work things out. The thing is I'm sure he's only sticking around for our son because I become very anxious when I'm alone. I've known my husband for 18 years so I'm comfortable with him. But we became terribly spiteful to each other. Me of him because of cheating and porn, and him of me because I was always *****y because I can never believe anything he tells me. I know he used to love me but he has used my mental illness as an excuse to blame all our problems on. Anyways, I know I used to look ok. We haven't had sex except upon my practically begging for some affection maybe twice in over a year. I found out how much porn he looks at and he texts other women ( he says because they don't ***** at him). I'm trying hard to be nice but if I'm just not someone he can handle looking at or touching then why am I trying to hold onto someone who makes it obvious I am repulsive. I try to look as good as I can but my thyroid disease caused a lot of muscle wasting so I have a body that is just saggy. For me its never been about looks. I love someone for who they are. But I hate that my body is repulsing him...just realized I needed to think out loud. There's really no answer for this. I just wish I had the passion and affection I had in my twenties. Why do I stay with him. He's called me things I can't repeat on here, he's hit me, yet I'm so scared I'd rather have him around then be alone? Having our son who is having extreme learning disabilities is part of the reason ( I want his fathers help ) but the othet reason is feeling like I will never have someone else to love and be loved by, although I'm clearly not loved at the moment anyway

[NoCake]

Ok Kelly well first it's brave of you to post this because a lot of women would never admit to such feelings. So bravo to you.

I have a lot of doubts as to whether this marriage should even continue. You don't feel loved, he's making you doubt your own beauty and he's even put his hand on you. That last one is a deal breaker for me. I really do think that your kindness is being taken for granted here.

But 18 years is a long time and no one stays together that long for nothing. So I suggest marriage counseling if you think this can work out. I have my doubts about your situation but a licensed professional seems better equipped to handle this.

Take care.

[roads]

Originally Posted by kelly4519

Why do I stay with him. He's called me things I can't repeat on here, he's hit me, yet I'm so scared I'd rather have him around then be alone? Having our son who is having extreme learning disabilities is part of the reason ( I want his fathers help ) but the othet reason is feeling like I will never have someone else to love and be loved by, although I'm clearly not loved at the moment anyway

You say your son's "extreme learning disabilities" is part of your reason for staying in the marriage--that you "want his fathers help."

Are you getting it? Is your husband a good father, and is he really sharing the responsibility of working to overcome your son's learning disabilities?

[gma45]

First of all you are beautiful and don't let anyone tell you you are not! Not even yourself! We can be so hard on ourselves when it comes to looks because of all we see in the media. Just remember those women don't really exist most are photo shopped. Sounds like you are just down on yourself right now and doesn't sound to me like your husband helps much with the way you feel so it must come from within somehow. Be good to yourself. Don't put everything that is wrong with your relationship on you, it is not all your fault, it takes two. I don't have any answers but I do know I had a husband that didn't treat me well and I thought it was all my fault, I finally realized it wasn't me it was him! He just made me think it was me. After being belittled for so many years it wears on a person. It sounds like that is what has happened to you. Just remember you are worth it and you are beautiful! Vent anytime, we are here.

Originally Posted by kelly4519

So I'm in my fortys and my husband and I are seperated but I kind of want to work things out. The thing is I'm sure he's only sticking around for our son because I become very anxious when I'm alone. I've known my husband for 18 years so I'm comfortable with him. But we became terribly spiteful to each other. Me of him because of cheating and porn, and him of me because I was always *****y because I can never believe anything he tells me. I know he used to love me but he has used my mental illness as an excuse to blame all our problems on. Anyways, I know I used to look ok. We haven't had sex except upon my practically begging for some affection maybe twice in over a year. I found out how much porn he looks at and he texts other women ( he says because they don't ***** at him). I'm trying hard to be nice but if I'm just not someone he can handle looking at or touching then why am I trying to hold onto someone who makes it obvious I am repulsive. I try to look as good as I can but my thyroid disease caused a lot of muscle wasting so I have a body that is just saggy. For me its never been about looks. I love someone for who they are. But I hate that my body is repulsing him...just realized I needed to think out loud. There's really no answer for this. I just wish I had the passion and affection I had in my twenties. Why do I stay with him. He's called me things I can't repeat on here, he's hit me, yet I'm so scared I'd rather have him around then be alone? Having our son who is having extreme learning disabilities is part of the reason ( I want his fathers help ) but the othet reason is feeling like I will never have someone else to love and be loved by, although I'm clearly not loved at the moment anyway

What do you mean by begging?

Also, have you thought of maybe going to the gym or doing some yoga, something that will improve your figure?

I would normally say that you should leave anyone who has hit you, but of course I don't know the circumstances of that, and I don't know what your relationship with him is really like.

It's time to ask him some questions. Why is he with you if he doesn't love you? I know you said you think he's only around for your son, but that doesn't sound like a real reason. After all he could live somewhere else and still see your son.

Thank you all for your help, it's much appreciated. You've given me lots to think about...I'm just so tired of feeling desperate for him to be here for me. Part of the reason he is here is he thinks he is helping my son feel better, and that really is true at times because my son knows how depressed and anxious I feel when I don't want to be alone. So thats my fault for not handling being alone well, crying and calling my husband to please be here. I know I need to get independent, so I've been doing my best not to ask him to stay here wth me. We do have seperate homes. The other reason I think my husband comes here is convenience. He works early hours and his job is 5 minutes from here. He also has no water running right now at his house and wants to shower here. I feel kind of used, his home is really disgusting and I think he likes to be comfortable here, doesn't have to put his wood stove on etc. Roadie, I know he isn't helping when it comes to my son, the verbal abuse happens to him too. So why I think I need his help, I think is just my depression and anxiety and helpless feelings. Even though I feel used, I'm so used to having my husband around I feel like I cant do things on my own. I dont know how to get past that.
Yoga and exercise is a good idea.. but nothing will reverse how my body has become. I think if he constantly looks at ideal looking women it must be hard for him to want me..
I've asked him why he is here and sometimes his answer is " I just dont know"...or if its with a counselor he says he loves his family.. but he sure doesn't treat us that way

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by kelly4519

just my depression and anxiety and helpless feelings.

It sure sounds like that. Are you getting help for yourself?

[hamster-bamster]

I reread the OP and request a clarification regardding your wislhing you had the same passion and affection as in your twenties. For him? In general? Or from him?

[hamster-bamster]

Have you thought of getting another man? Someone who is willing to enjoy sex with you on his own initiative, without your begging him? Someone enthusiastic about you? Your looks are what they are and do not worry about them, just smile. If all men cared about were taut skin and good muscle tone, then twenty year olds would maintain long long waiting lists of men wishing to become their lovers and forty, fifty etc year old women would stay home alone. But what do we observe in reality that surrounds us? That women of all ages have intimate partners. What conclusion do we draw from this observation? That men and at least a good many of them are not fixated on taut skin and good muscle tone.

Do you somehow need being begging for sexual satisfaction? Or is it a very unfortunate situation that you have to beg?

Did he say disparaging things about your figure or is it all self talk?

Yoga is a good idea but for pleasure, flexibility, mental clarity, rather than changing the way your body looks. You have probably heard about the acronym SMART for goals. A stands for attainable. Is changing the way your body looks always attainable? No, the body may not obey. It is out of your control. This is true of everybody. With your disease, it is even more true. So I agree that you should accept your body and not expect it to change. But please use Retin A on your face as every woman should. It costs less than ten dollars a month and delivers great results. And smile and you will be ok. If you cannot smile because of the depression, treat the underlying depression.

Hi hamsterbamster....thanks for all the thought you put into this. I really appreciate it. When I said I wish I had the same passion I meant from him. I am depressed and that is part of why I don't think I can just find another man who would appreciate me the way I am. You made me feel like you understand about how I should accept that my body may not obey...its very true..I can't change some things about it. And you're right...there has to be men that don't fixate on perfection... its not all self talk.. he use to be affectionate and now even if we are intimate he avoids touching most of my body...and when I said begging its not because I want to...thanks again for listening and taking time to respond to me

[Anika.]

I agree with Hamster very much.

Yoga can be an amazing tool, a body mind connection, to build self esteem and confidence in yourself, acceptance of ones strength and weaknesses, and appreciation of the body you have. Not changing the body, but changing the mind. Changes to the body might happen, but that is an after effect and should not be the sole goal. Yoga has given me so much, I think you are worth taking that shot too. And maybe then you will find yourself of sounder mind to make healthy choices in your life and relationships.

It has really helped me deal with eating disorders, bipolar, and all that has already been mentioned. Plus numerous health benefits. It just might help you find you again. I can't really put into words how much it has helped changed my life except to say unrecognizable to the path I was headed down .

[hamster-bamster]

Ok, great! You relieved my fear. Some people want to be humiliated for sexual satisfaction and and if that were the case, your situation would have been much more difficult to deal with. But as it stands, it is a common situation with a partner who has lost interest and depression that clouds your thinking, all very common and eventually fixable.

I forgot to mention sunscreen on your face. Sunscreen in the morning and retin- at night. We do what we can. The body won't obey but we CAN protect the skin.