[Palmtree3]

Hey guys,

Im a 20 year old female, and recently realized that I´m extremly jealous, often in a bad mood and depressed. I argue with my boyfriend quite often lately and my jealousy is getting worse and worse.I dont want him to go anywhere(bars, gym etc) I dont want him to do anything with his (male)friends. Im scared about him getting hurt or doing something stupid(whatever this might be),or worst finding another girl.(I personally think Im really not good looking at all & can´t satisfy him.espeically sexualy.).Whenever Im with friends or family and not with him I need to message and call him all the time. If he doesnt answer I get nervous, and very mad.I just need to know what /how he is doing ALL THE TIME.Otherwise my chest/stomach starts hurting,I feel sick and just restless.I dont want to control him and I do want him to have fun with friends.I just need to be with him 24/7 and need to know whats going on.I realized that my behaviour is not normal anymore & I started thinking about the cause.Is it possible that I´m just scared of loosing him because my father died after he was very sick when I just turned 6.Im also VERY scared of fire.I dont know why.Just the thought that something is taken from me is driving me insane. Also my boyfriend really loves me and doesnt flirt with anyone.So I really shouldnt worry, but I need to control him anyways..I also read his texts and messages because I wonder whos messaging him and what he talks about with other people etc.
Whats wrong with me? And how can I work on my attitude?
Thanks in advance

[Confusedinomicon]

You should look into a therapist who specializes in dbt and trauma.

A therapist will help you work through these emotions and teach you how to handle yourself. There isnt a simple solution or attitude change that will reverse your behaviors. It is okay, though. I struggled with similar problems and it took me several years + therapy to make my relationship healthy.

[Leed]

Hi Palmtree ~ You've NEVER had any proof that he's been cheating, right? You've never had any proof that he's done anything wrong, right?

Bless your heart, you're really making yourself miserable, and what for? You seem to have horribly low self-esteem. And you have lots of other issues that need dealing with too. Like "Confused" said, you could really use the help of a therapist. And I'd try to get into see one soon before you LOSE your boyfriend! Have you talked to your boyfriend and told him about the issues you have? Have you told him about your fears, etc.? If not, you should. You should have a long discussion with him, and let him know what's going on. Otherwise, he's going to walk out that door.

Talk to your medical doctor and have him refer you to a good therapist. You need someone to talk to about all this. Therapy WILL help immensely! It will help you get rid of all this garbage that you've been carrying around for years. Please call your doc, okay? And let us know what happens. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[yeliab12]

Originally Posted by Palmtree3

Hey guys,

Im a 20 year old female, and recently realized that I´m extremly jealous, often in a bad mood and depressed. I argue with my boyfriend quite often lately and my jealousy is getting worse and worse.I dont want him to go anywhere(bars, gym etc) I dont want him to do anything with his (male)friends. Im scared about him getting hurt or doing something stupid(whatever this might be),or worst finding another girl.(I personally think Im really not good looking at all & can´t satisfy him.espeically sexualy.).Whenever Im with friends or family and not with him I need to message and call him all the time. If he doesnt answer I get nervous, and very mad.I just need to know what /how he is doing ALL THE TIME.Otherwise my chest/stomach starts hurting,I feel sick and just restless.I dont want to control him and I do want him to have fun with friends.I just need to be with him 24/7 and need to know whats going on.I realized that my behaviour is not normal anymore & I started thinking about the cause.Is it possible that I´m just scared of loosing him because my father died after he was very sick when I just turned 6.Im also VERY scared of fire.I dont know why.Just the thought that something is taken from me is driving me insane. Also my boyfriend really loves me and doesnt flirt with anyone.So I really shouldnt worry, but I need to control him anyways..I also read his texts and messages because I wonder whos messaging him and what he talks about with other people etc.
Whats wrong with me? And how can I work on my attitude?
Thanks in advance

I know exactly what you're going through right now. I am dealing with the same thing. You have definitely made tremendous progress by actually realizing that you've got this issue. Right now, you really have to talk to your boyfriend about this issue, but don't rely on him to fix you! You need to educate yourself about this as much as possible. What I actually did was take time away from my boyfriend during the week, so I can focus on myself and finding ways to cope. I suggest you do this as well! It will help you learn to trust yourself and your partner! Now you need to figure out what triggers your emotions and what caused you to become irrational. When you do that, you need to then understand your emotions.

I am really interested if you find anything to help you because I'm struggling with trust, myself. Please keep me updated!

[Palmtree3]

Thank you all so much.
My boyfriend is actually this type of person everybodys looking for.Hes good looking,polite,friendly and just really loves me. He opens the car door for me EVERY time we get into the car,he always wants me safe and whenever we fight hes the one trying to fix it. However we once had a "low" in our relationship where we really fought every single day & stopped having sex etc. he started going on online dating sites and he actually went on a coffee date with one woman.Ive found out about that cause ive found a text on his phone.He explained it too me and we had the biggest fight so far.But he started crying(ir was the first time ive seen/hear him cry) and he regreted it sooo much.when he arrived at the cafe they met he actually left shortly afterwards cause he realized what he was doing. I know he will never do it again and he still feels bad about it.he even says its disgusting himself that he did sth like that. But still..even if girls just talk to him &i know my boyfriend is not interested in themi dont want thrm to talk to him. He is MINE and nobodyelses! I feel like even talking to somebody else is too much and the weird part is that i even think like that when he does stuff with his male friends.Im jealous about every minute he spends with them.Its a minute or a conversation he doesnt share with me!
I actually told him about my feeling yesterday.I told him the truth about me fearing to loose him or that he does sth stupid.I dont even wanna share him with noone. He said he understands but honestly i dont think he knows how serious my fear/jealousy is. Everytime we fight or he asks me to sleep with him and im not in the mood i blame myself for not satisfying him and sometimes i even cut myself to punish myself for that. I should be glad to have such a great boyfriend and im supposed to make him happy.Sometimes i just cant

[yeliab12]

I feel like you guys definitely need some space. You really need to focus on being happy, even if he's not around. If you don't want to have sex with him, it's not the end of the world because there will be other times when you'll be in the mood. I'm sure there are times where he's not in the mood either.

How long have you guys been dating? How long has this been an issue?

[hamster-bamster]

If you are cutting you really need a therapist. Immediately.

Also, you are beyond jealous. You are possessive. He is not a piece of property. He is not even your pet. He is a human being. So definitely therapy would be good but cutting makes therapy imperative.

[Palmtree3]

My best friend told me the same. But its not that Id comitt suicide or nothing.Its more like punishing myself for not making him happy. The past few days were extremly stressful and in the end I lost my mum. Now both of my parents are gone,I only have some friends and family left, but theyre in Germany,here in Canada I only have my boyfriend.He is the only one who catches me when I fall, who is there and who makes me feel loved. I just dont wanna loose him!!
He asked me again to go out with him & his friends to socialize(we moved to a different province a couple months ago and I dont know NOONE. :/) but I dont like all his "friends". I dont know why. I just dont like them. What do you guys think I should do?

[hamster-bamster]

You do not have an obligation to make your bf happy all the time. That is not part of your job description as his gf. if you are overall nice and friendly towards and keep eye contact with him most of the time when he is trying to say something and have sex with him when he wants to more often than not, that is good enough and you should be pleased with yourself.

How can you make friends of your own, without him?

[hamster-bamster]

So sorry for your loss...

[Palmtree3]

Unfortunately Im afraid Im not good at making friends :/ As you probably already noticed english is not my first language.I dont have any problems at all talking to strangers or people i just met in my native language.But whenever Im around new people here in Canada I dont even wanna talk a word to them cause Im constantly afraid of making mistakes in grammar or vocabulary and would be so ashamed of it.

I just read some articles about the borderline disorder. I actually think that I might have that.For example today my boyfriend told me he wants to go to a hockey game with his friends and i immediately got that "feeling" in my chest/stomach again.After I told him i dont want him to go but he was still considering it i felt sick and actually threw up.The thought of him having fun with his friends(and FEMALE "friends" will come too) spending the day with him made me sooo jealous.So jealous that i literally got sick.
Im afraid talking to my bf about this again as im scared that hell think im "mental"... :/

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Palmtree3

Unfortunately Im afraid Im not good at making friends :/ As you probably already noticed english is not my first language.I dont have any problems at all talking to strangers or people i just met in my native language.But whenever Im around new people here in Canada I dont even wanna talk a word to them cause Im constantly afraid of making mistakes in grammar or vocabulary and would be so ashamed of it.

I just read some articles about the borderline disorder. I actually think that I might have that.For example today my boyfriend told me he wants to go to a hockey game with his friends and i immediately got that "feeling" in my chest/stomach again.After I told him i dont want him to go but he was still considering it i felt sick and actually threw up.The thought of him having fun with his friends(and FEMALE "friends" will come too) spending the day with him made me sooo jealous.So jealous that i literally got sick.
Im afraid talking to my bf about this again as im scared that hell think im "mental"... :/

If it gets to the point of your quickly developing severe anxiety symptoms (=your chest/stomach sensations and feeling like you were ready to throw up), yes, it is "mental".

Borderline personality disorder, as all personality disorders, is a diagnosis that is only given to adults. I am not sure what the age cutoff is, but you have to be an adult, because personality keeps developing through your teen years. How old are you? You might be too young for a full-blown borderline disorder. But yes, jealousy and BPD do often co-exist.

You surprised me saying that ENGLISH is not your native language. I did not notice mistakes in your posts, and I DO notice mistakes. I cannot help noticing mistakes. Although I am not a native speaker either, I have been speaking English for decades and I used to teach English as a foreign language, as well as TOEFL, SAT (English and Math), and GMAT (all parts including sentence correction in English). I am wired to notice mistakes. They jump at me. So if you were able to fool me, you are absolutely fine and should not doubt your abilities. Do not even think for a second about initiating conversations in English - you will do very well, please, just venture ahead!

And let us know how you are doing. Making new friends and speaking in English with confidence will both be very good for your mental health.

[Palmtree3]

I turned 20 last November.
Haha thanks for giving me a confidence boost.My bf told me before that I shouldnt be afraid of talking to others in english but its really,really nice to hear that from another person . Im just soo afraid of making mistakes and that others might laugh about me.I don't mind if somebody makes mistakes speaking german,i dont make fun of them or nothing but still.. i just wanna be kinda perfect.
After gathering some information about BPD i bought a book called "the everything guide to BPD. I hoped that my bf would show some interest in it, but unfortunately he doesnt.We had an argument again last night he even said he didnt think i had a personality disorder and that i was just using it as an excuse. He thinks that people with personality disorders wouldnt see that they are "sick". He does say that Im almost like a different person when Im angry though.He cant understand why i go from happy to VERY upset in a minute about little things. Is it true that people with personality disorders dont actually see that they have a certain disorder?