Need Advice on how to move on.

Two years ago I started to date one of my best friends. I have/had a very close knit group of friends, one other girl and two guys (to help keep things clear we will call them: Mary, John and Ken). Mary was closer to me than my own family. Anyway, I began to date John, and we were together for 7 months. It was one of the best relationships I had had. After 7 months, John and Mary slept together. It absolutely DEVASTATED me. This is the first time I had ever been cheated on. This occurred about a year and a half ago.
Since then I have been on a rollercoaster of crap. I had lost the two most important people to me at once.
Stupidly, I tried to take John back. Mary was completely cut out of my life. We dated about another 7 months before I broke it off with him and kicked him out. Before I had taken him back, he slept with another girl (we weren't technically together, but I still felt betrayed and cheated on) and after I broke up with John for good, I attempted to be the better person and forgive Mary.
When I tried to be friends with both of them again, I clearly still had feelings for John (I have no clue why.. Though he was my first.) I had suspicions that they were still doing stuff behind my back, and even though John and I weren't dating anymore, I was still jealous. I begged them to tell me the truth, said I didn't care I just needed them to be honest. Then they lied to me yet again, and I found out they were secretly in to each other and doing (mild) things behind my back. I just felt like, after everything, here I was trying to reach out and forgive and all I get back were lies. So that really hurt... Yet I have still been trying to be their friends.

That's the background of the situation. Currently, two years later, I feel like I should be further ahead with the healing process than I currently am, but I find myself utterly messed up.

I have VERY low self esteem, I have almost zero faith in men (I have attempted a few relationships/getting to know other people to no avail.) I've only been used for sex (I DID NOT SLEEP WITH HIM. HE LEFT BECAUSE I WOULDNT PUT OUT) mainly, but since I don't sleep around no one sticks around. I just feel like the majority of men are pigs, or think sex is meaningless...

I know a lot of advice will be: drop them as friends! But it's harder than that. We have a very long history, and I am afraid to be alone. When you get older, everyone knows that making new, strong, friendships are hard because everyone has already foudn their "clique" and aren't willing to expand outward. I am desperately searching for that closeness I once had with Mary. I can't ever be that way though, because I have no respect for her.

I feel depressed, Mary is in a loving and committed relationship, John is still trying to get me back, and although I will not get back with him, I can't deny the chemistry we have. Every time we are together- just us- I find myself drawn to him again. John is verbally abusive, in the sense that EVERYTHING is always my fault, and he can do no wrong. He doesn't call me ugly or anything, but constantly calls me "childish, immature, crazy, insane, idiotic etc." when we have arguments. He also continually says I should "be over it by now" and "should move on" because I'm "holding a grudge"

I desperately want to move forward with my life, and move on, but I am so unhappy. I am tired of not being in a relationship, but not enough so to settle for someone not worth my time. (I've been single since September 2012)

Still with me? I have one last portion of the story...

Here's where Ken comes in. He has developed feelings for me, and I have kind of developed them back. But because of my messed up history with that relationship, I find myself having severe jealousy issues, and it is easier to just not care then to open up to him. He is very sweet, kind, caring etc. but there are a lot of complications if him and I were to get together.
1. PLEASE don't call me shallow, but there are aspects that I do not find physically attractive. I'm capable of overlooking these, but because of the other obstacles it's difficult.
2. He is John's BEST FRIEND. And since John is still in to me/wanting me back/my friend AND Ken's friend... Well you can see why this is a problem.

Essentially I just really need to know how I can move forward from this devastating point in my life. I'm so tired of being unhappy, and I also would like to know if Ken is someone I should be with too. He does make me feel great about myself, and he knows my history and my issues and he's willing to work on them with me...
Anywho, any help/pointers/tips from people would be really appreciative.. I'm not really one to reach out, so this is a first.

Thanks!
- Kira

Kira, since you are struggling after all this time, I suggest you see a counselor or a therapist and try to work through it.

Also, I do encourage you to try to make some new friends. Those folks are like a soap opera. It will take awhile to build up new relationships, but it will be worth it. Go to new places, try to find a hobby to share with other people, etc.

That's my advice. It isn't easy to follow, but it can be done.

Greetings, YellowCalendar. As long as this is, so much real data is missing that I can only make a stab at any sort of response. If I'm way off--calmly fix my mistaken understandings of your post, okay?

Because of the tightness of this group I'm guessing you're fairly young--middle school, high school at the most--and with little to no sexual experience. I think tightness of the group might have contributed to the John-Mary connection. You saw no one outside this tight group, I gather? This is somewhat abnormal, unless you're very young.

When you say, "I tried to take John back," how do you do that? Actively take? Doesn't sound too mature, on the face of it.

I'm still unsure about how old you are now--or were when all this started. It seemed to me you've been too enclosed in this small, self-feeding group ... it seems to be all you've known. I think you need to take a break, some time getting to know who you are and what you want.
Maybe some therapy ... early days for that. Post here. Ask questions. See how it's gone for others. Get to know yourself again!
roadie

Kira... btw, Kira is a beautiful name.

I find it hard to understand how you mention that John's sleeping with Mary was the first time someone you dated slept with another woman (which makes me think that before John, you had a long series of men who were all faithful to you), yet at the same time mention that John was your first sexual partner.

?

In general though, when you have a "a very close knit group of friends" that consists of girls and guys, then things that you have described - in other words, people switching partners while staying within the same close knit group of friends - can and do happen. It is definitely not unheard of. I know a lot of people who have been able to maintain relationships despite that, so it is certainly possible and is one option you have, and the other option is the one PAYNE1 mentioned - go get friends from another circle of people.

As a general rule, it is definitely a bad idea to stay with people who put you down by calling you names ("insane", "idiotic") and if you do, you probably need therapy for that. That is very very important. Even if you have feelings for a person who puts you down, you should still stay away from him. It is a general safety rule and a priority that should override all other, lesser priorities. So John is NOT OK to be with, because he puts you down. Ken is OK to be with and it is up to you whether to overlook physical unattractiveness if you can muster it, but it is not OK to stay with somebody who puts you down.

"I begged them to tell me the truth, said I didn't care I just needed them to be honest."

No, you did care, otherwise you would not have asked. People who do not care do not ask questions - precisely because they do not care one way or the other. So while you are accusing them of dishonesty ("Then they lied to me yet again"), you were dishonest yourself. So it is best to just stop thinking about this issue altogether. If you really wanted to be friendly with them two, your friendliness should have been unconditional - no strings attached. They did not owe you reports on the relationship between them, right? It was a little nosy of you to interrogate them. If you are not ready to be friends with them without interrogations, then, as PAYNE1 said, get friends from outside of your little circle. The world is very large, especially now that we also have the Internet that connects people from around the globe, and pretty much everybody speaks English these days, so sky is the limit.

You also have not forgiven as forgiveness, as love, should be unconditional. If you truly have forgiven, you should not be expecting certain behaviors from them in appreciation of your forgiveness - or else it is not forgiveness anymore but some bargaining method.

Single for 6 months does not sound so horrible. I hope you will find someone soon!

And try Ken, what have you got to lose? Maybe it will be OK. He is nice, supportive, knows your history, sweet, and all the rest of that. Try connecting with him. That he is John's friend is OK. The point is not to be with John since he is verbally abusive, but it is OK to be with John's friends. Nothing bad about it.

I appreciate the response, I am a third year university student. I use to be strongly religious, so did not have my first boyfriend until I was 16 years of age. Most of my relationships (4 in total) were, on average, a year long. My longest being 3 years. This also explains why I did not lose my virginity until I was 20- so you are correct in saying I have little sexual experience.

What did you mean by "I saw no one outside this tight group"? If you're referring to dating, this was the first time I've dated someone within this group, or a friend in general. If you mean spend time with, then yes- I rarely spend time with the people outside this group.

I meant I tried to date him again and make things work. Not take him away from someone else.

Hope this clarifies!

Thank you =)

I didn't lose my virginity until I was 20, I use to be strongly religious and did not believe in sex before marriage. I have had 4 boyfriends in total, and did not start to date until I was 16. That is why I say that I have never been cheated on, and also why John was my first, who also cheated on me.

I know I haven't fully forgiven them, but I am working toward it- though you are right. I suppose I did care, I guess what I meant when I said I didn't was that I wouldn't be angry, I just wanted closure.

Thank you for your insight, the reason I am afraid to go ahead with Ken is because of the fact it will cause John to be hurt and angry. Though, it seems to me that I really should start on separating him from my life until our feelings subside and we are capable of being "just friends" because as it stands now, we certainly aren't!

Thanks again =)

Kira, why jealousy issues wrt Ken?

I would not say that channging partners within a closeknit group is confined to HS. I have seen it happen a lot in colleges, especially small colleges. Would not date OP just based on that.

First, I do not see why your going out with Ken would cause John hurt and angry feeling. Second, even in the unlikely scenario that it does have such a negative effect on John, he will process his hurt by himself, alone or, perhaps with a T. Just disreagard his potential response altogether. It should not be part of the equation. That in general, and in particular given his habit of saying demeaning things to you.

You are certainly within your right to want closure, but fishing for information about the private behavior of your friends does not quality as such.

Kira, I would look very closely at that part of your hesitation to go out with Ken that is due to your worry about the potential response from John.

That you are unsure that you would be able to handle Ken's not being as physically attractive as some other men you know or have been with is completely normal. You can figure out for yourself whether you can overlook that flaw of his. No issues or concerns.

That you worry about John's response so much is not normal.

And, what are the issues with Mary besides her having been with John in the past, if any?

I have jealousy issues in general- most recently they are worse due to the fact I was cheated on. I find it easier to just not care then to go through the frustration of being jealous and getting hurt again. Not saying that is the smart approach, but it’s something I’m working through.

They would because John is still in to me, and wants be back- also because John and Ken are best friends, and have been for a very long time. Lastly, and this is speculation, but possibly because John and I were best friends prior to dating each other.
My issues with Mary are mostly that I have little respect for her, she isn’t a very good friend, she is selfish and flirty- yet still is condescending to others and sits atop her high horse. I’ve been distancing myself from her because of this. The big issue, however, is that she was closer to me than my own family, yet she could still sleep with my boyfriend with whom she knew full well how strong my feelings were for him- since we talked about it two days prior to the incident.

Hope that helps =)

Mary does not sound worth keeping in the long run, but I would start dating Ken casually (casually!) and let John deal with his feelings about that development in an adult way.

You cannot be mindful of everybody's feelings to such a degree, including of the feelings of those who are into you. A lot of people will be into you over the course of your life. You cannot please everybody. Sometimes, you have to make a choice, precisely because you cannot please everybody at the same time. By not going out with Ken, you are hurting his feelings, probably. By going out with Ken, you might be hurting John's feelings, conceivably.

See how you cannot please everybody?

Plus, in this situation, if you know that "A" guy will be hurt anyway, choose to hurt the guy who has verbally abused you and put you down rather than the one who has been nice and respectful.

If you eventually find yourself unable to stomach Ken's unattractiveness, it may be difficult to go back to just being friends without hurting his feelings. From that standpoint, it may be prudent not to start dating him. It is ok, he will live with the experience of unrequited love, which is healthy for his development anyway.