[Captainkeefy]

Hey All,

I feel like I'm slowly losing my mind in my marriage. My wife comes across as a constant victim of life. In her eyes everyone's horrible and will take advantage of her if she gives them the change. She would come across as shy, vulnerable and a day dreamer to people in social situations or sometimes comes across as arrogant. She constantly tells me how vulnerable she is and tells me things like "I must have done something bad in another life." She can never see any blame for herself in anything she does. Her view is she's a victim.

The woman I see runs on internal anger, very controlling and does things behind my back. If I question her I'm called controlling but I feel like I have to run everything I do past her for approval however I'm not allowed any input on our lives together. I find sometimes I'm sniped at until I snap back then I get told I'm a horrible piece of work, "If only people could see the real you." I feel like I have to put all the effort into our marriage and she will never meet me half way basically anything bad that happens between us is my fault so I have to do all the leg work. Never anything in return no affection, compliments or anything. I miss the clingy girl I met and I can't stand the woman who seems to have replaced her.

As for me, I used to be quite confident. In a way I still am, I find it easy to talk to people although I find I just want to talk about me. I recently started Therapy and I took my wife to meet my therapist. I recall a few things that my therapist asked "Does he cause argument for attention." My wife said yes. He also asked "would you describe him as dramatic." My with said yes. I think he's mentally ill. Then my Therapist gave a speech about how I have problems with attachment to people that's not healthy for me. Then he said that he deemed my wife's behaviour as normal.

I'm not so sure what to believe anymore. I would say that I wasn't perfect but I'm pretty sure it can't all be my fault. It's like there's a piece of glass between us that distorts the world between us. I'm fed up of being the 'aggressive' nervous wreck.

[nannywoofwoof]

This woman is bad news. She has pulled you in hook, line and sinker and now has you exactly where she wants you. You say she was clingy when you met her? Now she is breaking you and making sure you don't ever leave.
Sounds as if she lacks confidence and is building it up by knocking you down.
Get to relate, by yourself initially, and talk over what is happening. It can be fixed and you may be able to get yourself back on an equal ground.
She needs more help than you do.
Good luck.

[Captainkeefy]

I agree with you. I feel that she has all the hallmarks of BPD but I don't know. The thing that gets me is I seem to have more signs of a PD pull/push cycles, abandonment issues, attachment issues. But her idea of the world is everything's bad, everyone's horrible, nothing is going to ever work out. I'm fed up with it all now and to be honest I get the impression she has been looking for extra attention outside of our marriage and spends her whole time pointing out the floors in the relationship rather than working on it.

Just wondering what do you mean by 'get to relate.'

[nannywoofwoof]

Relate is a relationship therapy. I think there is a waiting list, but it is available here in the UK. I think it is free. I think you just ring them up for an appointment. You should be able to get the number from the internet.
It was just an idea that might be worth looking into if you decide to continue with the relationship. Relate listen and try to help if they can.

[Captainkeefy]

I don't really know what to do anymore. I honestly think she would just blame everything on me whilst slipping into her victim role. Really I think the relationship is over, we're like chalk and cheese. I think it's just childhood issues keeping us together.

She told my therapist I need more confidence but with confidence comes boundaries and I think this would drive her mad. Ironic really! All I know is I've been miserable for years, convincing myself I'm happy but I just can't go on like this anymore. Maybe working on co-dependency would help me. I'm going to discuss with my therapist if any of her behaviour is consistent with BPD. I intend to work on my issues because I except I'm not perfect but for this relationship to work I think there's going to have to be a lot of work from both sides. I can't see that happening. I think that marriage counceling would just be seen as a chance to blame me for everything.

I think that your therapist at the moment is perhaps not as good as some. How can he make such sweeping judgements on you after meeting your wife for just an hour or so?

I am sorry to read about all your problems. Relate may be the answer (and sorry, its not free, average price is about £40 per session) but if you are able to get a good therapist then it may be worth one last shot if you feel that it may help? Don't be afraid to ask for a new therapist if you want one either - its your dosh after all. Oh, and sometimes Relate have sessions where you both talk alone, which would probably help you be able to talk freely without getting upset or angry if she continues to blame you for everything.

She does need to work on it tho, I agree, but I fear it will be a long time before she admits any fault. Perhaps a therapist could help her see what she's going wrong, and even if you do decide after all that it's not working out, at least you know you gave it your very best before walking away.

Good luck, and I hope you'll find some happiness soon.

[Captainkeefy]

Thanks for the advice guys, she has come home from work and we had a bit of a falling out and she asked if I think our marriage will work. I said "No." Then she said I should move out. She told me that she's been supportive in the last 4 months but I don't think she had. Whenever I've opened up she's all blanked me, told me how she thinks I'm putting it on for attention or told me how she needs to start looking after herself. Where's the support? How can you tell a Therapist I'm mentally ill and say I'm putting it on for attention. Contradiction of terms? It is in my reality anyway. I swear I'm gonna end up in a nut house soon.

[nannywoofwoof]

Get some space and time for yourself. You may see the whole picture a lot clearer and you wil lthen make the right decisions for you.
It almost sounds as if she has planned this, and has been intentionally pushing you out and away.
Mind you, why should you leave. If she is not happy, why doesn't she?
She needs to talk to you about what she wants, and you both need to be honest with one another.
I don't think you will end up in the nut house - just on here talking to us hopefully

[Captainkeefy]

As I say she just sees herself as a victim in all this. I've had quite severe depressive moods since November last year. All this time, not once has she given me any support, offered any constructive words. I've been out the house an hour now and my mood has completely changed already.

She totally changed on me a few years back went from a really giggly fun girl to something completely the opposite. I can't stand being around her, nothing you do is ever good enough but she doesn't offer anything in return. Treats me like a pervert if I show her any attention or compliment her looks. I'm not going back into that marriage now. I'm going to do my therapy and start thinking about me. They say relationships are give and take, I don't think they meant the Husband gives and the Wife takes. The worst thing is she can't see it. I understand she's had a very traumatic childhood but that doesn't give her free reign to pull my life apart.

[nannywoofwoof]

Sounds as if she has a lot of problems that she needs to sort out herself. Perhaps if you both deal with your issues, in the future you may be able to get back to how it was.
Good luck anyway and keep posting.

[Captainkeefy]

I'm not sure we could go back to the way it was now. A few years ago she was chasing other men round and denied it. But the signals where to blatantly obvious to deny. She sent a message to an ex saying about how it would be fun to catch up to see how big he was these days. There was loads of other signs like she apparently went out with her mates one night. Never came home then started sending flirty messages to a guy she had met. She said she stayed at a friends house but the thing is I'd gone to that house earlier that morning and her friends dad had said they weren't there. Since all this carry on she has totally changed with me. No affection, won't touch me and I'm running round trying to fix things.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Captainkeefy

She sent a message to an ex saying about how it would be fun to catch up to see how big he was these days.

I do not understand. Did she date an underage boy???

[Captainkeefy]

No from what I understand it was her brothers friend from when they where growing up.