Jealous of the computer

Hey yall. I am having a simple issue that I cannot explain to my H because of my lack of knowledge.

My H doesn't like me on the computer. He doesn't mind to bad if I am looking up something. But if I am talking to anyone he gets very defensive. We have talked about insecurity and he swears that is not the issue. ( I doubt that though) anyway last night I made the mistake of laughing, I was in chat here at PC. He got so angry, I was having fun w/ out him. I can only have fun w/ him I guess. I hate being deceptive, and using the computer when he is asleep or outside. I have showed him this site before, it is not like I am hiding things from him, there is nothing to hide. I've talked to people in chat and showed him forums, let him read my visitor messages, and even some of my PM's. So he knows what I am doing. It just bothers him.

I do not have a face book account and neither does he. But he asked me if he got a face book account and he spent his evenings talking to people would I be angry. I tried to explain that PC is not like face book. But w/ out having a face book account I can't fully explain to him how it is different. I know that face book can contain personal information that can be shared. Info that should not be shared. I know that info can be shared stuff you don't want shared and stuff you don't. I know you can talk to friends and make friends. I could understand my H's frustration if I had a face book account and having conversations w/ males in my community, males I used to know, gossiping w/ females I know or what ever. But that is not the case w/ PC. I cannot seem to be able to explain to him that people here live all over the world. As soon as I tell him that he shuts down and says that is so dumb to talk to people I cannot have a relationship/friendship with. He questions why I would want to get involved in the lives of so many people and listen to them complain. (That is not what you guys do, his words not mine) So I can't face book because I might form a personal relationship, and I can't do chat because there is no way I can build a personal relationship. I'm really confused here. It feels like a control thing to me. But w/ the past issues I have (PTSD and such) the way I perceive things is often not the case.

Any advice on this would be helpful. I am particularly interested in a male take on this. Guys think differently then females. Jealousy and insecurities are different in males sometimes I think. Female opinions are welcome to.

That's me all over. I have massive abandonment issues. Every text my wife gets I think is from her lover. Every time she goes on Facebook I think she's talking to guys. The worst thing is nothing you explain logically will change his point of view, he's scared of you leaving him. Deep down he feelings he is inadequate and when you work this out your going to leave him for a real man. If you want any questions answered fire away.

(((Big Mama))),

I have dealt with the same kind of comments from my husband too. Questioning why I would bother connecting, even worrying about people that I didn't even personally know. And if I got triggered for some reason at PC, he would again say that he felt that getting upset by people who themselves have some kind of mental illness wasn't good for me.

I explained to him that it was "more" than that to me, it was a part of "learning" about myself, and also when I did get upset, I was learning how to connect it to the way I struggle with PTSD and how getting triggered is not "other people" but about me. This is going to be more difficult for your husband to understand because he tends to "isolate" himself from others without realizing that is what he is doing.

At least for me, my husband goes to AA meetings and works on "his" issues with others who are supportive and struggle with similar issues. So my husband can understand what it can mean to me on "some level".

Unfortunately, your husband has all the answers for himself, while he is going to marriage counceling with you, and trying, he still isn't aware that his bagage is connected to his past and his need to have a sense of control somehow. When he questions you like that what he is really showing you is "his" insecurities that he is not "aware of". "No aware of", that is important for you to remember BM, because you need to realize that when you "react" or "question yourself or allow guilt to come in to yourself", this is something you need to "work on" and that "he" isn't seeing.

When you interact here at PC, it is not like Facebook, because PC is a support site, a place where others let themselves be "more open" and discuss being "more self aware" and they are people who are challenged very much like you are challenged. Your husband doesn't realize that while you and him have relationship issues, "you" also battle a genuine disorder called PTSD. He doesn't realize that PTSD doesn't "just" go away, when someone is challenged with it, they have to learn to understand it and how "they" as a unique person, struggle with it because of a trama or a history of abuse or neglect.

Your husband has his own "troubled history" too, and he is not "self aware" so he can actually see where his "poor attitudes" towards you and the children come from "his" personal history and how he learned to cope and manage the disfunction in his life. And maybe you should sit him down and let him read my post to you. And if you do that, well, I am not trying to "pick on him", but if he does "want to actually have a better relationship with anyone" he first has to understand "himself and where his bad attitudes come from" that are "not his fault" but they do interfere with him being able to finally "get what he wants and even deserves to have in his life".

And that is what "you" are trying to work on yourself BM, you are slowly learning about where "your" issues and personal challenges come from. And at the same time you are also learning to understand PTSD and how to slowly manage that issue as well. PC, is a "support site" and no, it is not facebook where people put up a kind of picture of what they feel they need to show others about how "hey look at me, I am doing this or that" and yet they are not talking about their "real challenges".

So your time here is about "learning" and "healing" and "facing your issues, understanding yourself on a deeper level" instead of being "false" and just "pretending".

Hey, it takes time to look at one's self and see where our own issues come from and then work on learning how to slowly "change" our awareness and actually heal and grow.

Open Eyes

I'm not really certain what the answers are here, but I've seen lots of folks who have shared Facebook accounts with their partners. I personally don't get it, but it works for them, I suppose. Why don't you suggest that you both test Facebook out with a shared account for now? It would allow you to connect with friends online, post pictures, share jokes, etc.

Personally, I only add friends to Facebook that I have a relationship with already elsewhere. I live in a very isolated part of the world, so it's the easiest way for me to keep up with everyone's lives back home. It's also easy to get in contact with many friends at the same time - my hubs and I do a lot of entertaining, and the event feature has been used on multiple occasions.

It's worth a shot if you're interested in just checking it out...

I've got to say. What open eyes is saying is spot on. For years my wife was telling me I had insecurities and I was like "Pah, your the only one round here with insecurities." Within 5 therapy session I am discussing childhood abandonment issues and poor coping mechanisms. People with abandoment issues tend to either isolate themselves or try and draw attention to themselves. I'm an attention seeker but can turn quite avoidant sometimes. I hope he looks into this because its a horrible emotion to deal with.

Thank you all for your kind words. I am at a loss for words at the moment. I'm stressed, and sleepy, and upset, frustrated and angry.It's gonna be one of those crazy kinda days. Thank yall again for your input and support.

Ok Big Mama, I know those days, have had quite of few myself. Well, you have to slow things down and give yourself permission to "not stress and develope a cycle". Instead, ok you are tired, so your day has to be as stress free as possible, make up your mind that today is not the day to spend time attacking the problems, but a day off from that instead. Anger? ok, you are frustrated so you have to make a decision that today you are not going to give yourself permission to sink into anger either. Hopefully your husband is out of the house today, it sounds like you have had him around too much and he is "observing" you too much and yes, that happens to me and I hate it too.

You have to learn how to develope more of a tougher shell when he gets to presenting you with those "intrusive and judgemental questions". Yeah, I know that is a challenge and can be very triggering, I deal with that myself. But, now you are getting more self aware and you "can" give yourself a mental day off, you really can.

Easy today ok? Don't make up your mind that "its gonna be a crazy kind of day", slow it down as much as you can and "don't feed into it".

" last night I made the mistake of laughing, I was in chat here at PC. " quote Big Mama

Here is a big clue to me in how you are stuggling today. Why was "laughing" a mistake?

This is something you should talk about in "therapy" by yourself with your therapist. Big Mama, you laughed in a chat because you have been coming out of your shell and slowly "enjoying other people and interacting" that was "healthy" for you.

One night not very long after I joined PC I was in a chat and that night that chat got very funny and I can't remember laughing like that in a very long time. I laughed so hard I hurt, it was a very good thing for me to experience because I had been way too serious for way too long, and I needed to have that experience, it was very helpful to me.

If I had experienced my husband or anyone else making any kind of statement that made me feel "bad" about having that experience, I would have been upset too.

What you have with this situation is a "talking point" for your therapy. You need to discuss this situation with the T, and the T also needs to discuss this situation with your husband. Your husband needs to be asked "why" he made his comments to you that resulted in your feeling "guilty" or that you "should have hidden your laughter or you made a mistake when you laughed". Like the other time, your T needs to step in for you and show your husband how he "disrespected your personal space".

This statement you just made means you are "questioning your rights" and "thinking you need to hide" somehow. WRONG. What you do need to learn however is the right comeback when your husband makes these "condescending comments to you".

If your husband wants that one thing on his list, "Love from you", then he needs to "know and respect you in a way where you actually feel he is "respecting you". Having someone actually be able to "Love you" means that you have a connection with that other person in a way that you feel safe with them, that they understand your needs and respect your needs, THAT DOESN'T TAKE PLACE WHEN SOMEONE NEEDS TO FEEL THEY HAVE TO "HIDE" something they are enjoying somehow.

The "appropriate" and "supportive" response he "should have made" to you was, "Hey honney, I heard you laughing, I am so glad you are connecting and have some support and that you got to have some laughs tonite, good for you". LOVING SOMEONE, means that that "SOMEONE" is able to see when something makes you feel good and encourages that feeling along and is actually happy for you.

The reason "why" this is a good talking point for both of you is because your husband needs to "not just lower his tone with you", but to really "pay attention" to what he says to you that "puts you down" and gives you the feeling that all you really want to do is "distance from him". Your husband "chases you away from him" and he isn't recognizing that fact.

I am sitting here typing this and guess what, I often have this problem with my husband too. And just now I decided, I am going to handle the way he gets short with me differently. I am going to tell him what I am telling you. Now, when he gets short with me I am going to say, "stop chasing me away with your attitude, be careful what you ask of me with your tone, because you are pushing me away".

With you however Big Mama, you need to bring this up in therapy first, have the T discuss this with your H so he "gets the picture not just from you but someone else". Then you can begin to develope "responses" when he treats you in a way that holds you back from the one thing he wants from you.

Food for thought,

(((Hugs))))



((((Hugs))))

True OE, He "is" chasing me away. and doesn't know it. We are working on letting each other in. He is chasing me away.

Today he finially went to work, the kids stopped arguing. Nap time is soon. I found an outlet to take my mind off of things. I am in a better spot. H has a meeting at church this evening. So things might actually remain calm.

Think you OE for your guidance.

Good Big Mama, I am sure you are tired out from having him around too much. Sigh...I get that way too, by Monday I am exhausted because my husband is around so much and he "does" watch me way too much. I struggle with that because of the PTSD, I do my best, but if he is constantly there I just get tired out.

So, take a nap with the kids and let yourself just relax and let go. That is really what you need today. Go easy and let go.

(((Hugs))))

Thanks OE, Sometimes all we need is permission to be human.

I would not cater to your husband's fears; they are his and acting as if they are "true" will only hurt the relationship and him? Claim your share of computer time, at least equal to his time on the computer and don't "hide" anything but also don't offer to share if it is not an interest of his, if he is only asking because of his own fears.

If you pick "off" times to use the computer it will look like you do have something you are ashamed of or wish to hide? Maybe post the chat schedule if you go to planned chats or mark when you are going to check in because you told an online friend you'd check in that time to "meet" them. The more straightforward and "natural" you can make your actions look, the more they are important to you and you act like you are doing what interests you, the less anxious he should become over time perhaps.

Explain things as well as you can once and then refuse to explain further; my husband and I have a "code" for when I'm telling him about something he doesn't "get" (fantasy :-) and I tell him, "It's one of those things you don't get" and we drop it. Sometimes, he'll ask, "Is this something I'll understand?" and I can think about what I'm saying and realize there's really no purpose to discuss it, it's a "Perna thing" and not something of interest to him or something I could ever explain. We all have our interests and beliefs, etc. and you yourself know you are not cheating so his jealousy or worries are just that, his. You can be sorry he feels or worries in that way but it's not like you can fix him, only he can figure himself out and work through what he wants to do about his situation.

Perna, you are correct, if I act like there is something to hide he is afraid I am hiding something. I think that is what you are saying.

He wants the control, and I am giving it to him. I am trying to stop but it is difficult.

Just say that you would not.

Big Mama, I actually had a husband that ignored me constantly..until I got on the computer. He could sit with me and watch what I was doing, but he chose to "bad-mouth" what I was doing..he didn't care or understand what I was doing. I have been on this site since 2008, I believe, because I felt totally alone in my home with my H right here...I am thankful for all my friends I have acquired thru PC. Please take care..

BTW, my H is now my EX-H...he chose to leave.

Hamster I told him to go for it, I'd have our son set it up, since we no nothing about computers. My H declined. He was trying to add fuel to the fire. He can, I'm not jealous. Go for it. Embrace being normal. I feel like we are abnormal these days for having no facebook.

SQUAW that sounds like my H. He wants nothing to do w/ me other then ordering me around. When H does look at what I am doing he mocks me and laughs at me. My name is big mama and that has nothing to do w/ body size. Just something extra to laugh at. I ain't missed a meal, but I was thinking heart size. I have worked in day care and most of my kids, 22 of them, called me mama at some point or another. I felt like there mom to. I had 22 three, four and five year olds. So I am big mama, cause I'm mamma to lots of kids. Kids need there mama's and there mom dropped them off at day care. It's not a kennel. But what ever. Sorry for my little rant there.

I don't think my H wants to understand and I know he doesn't care. So I try to honor his request and stay off the computer when he is home or awake. When he is asleep and can't tell me what to do w/ my time then, it's the computer for me.

How ironic Big Mama..before I was injured on the bus, I also worked with kids. I worked with "special needs kids" to keep them safe on the schoolbus..I have always had other people's kids call me "Mama", and I miss them terribly since I became disabled and can no longer work....I understand what you are dealing with, and I hope that something can be worked out for you and your H...Good Luck.....

> So I can't face book because I might form a personal relationship, and I can't do chat because there is no way I can build a personal relationship. I'm really confused here. It feels like a control thing to me.

Yeah, and he should care that it feels like that. Instead of defending his point of view, he should be trying to find out yours more, like what you are getting out of this. Laughing is good. And married people should have other friends, I believe. (Not that we do, because we're both hermits, but I hope we develop a bit. Anyway.)

FB is not just for individuals, but is also for companies and causes. Maybe you can set up a page for your family, together, with the help of the boys?

How ironic, I worked mostly w/ abused children, social services cases, and simply troubled kids. The world doesn't need troubled 3 year olds. But the world is full of hurt children. I don't work anymore, but I see my kids, they will always be mine, all 22. And some of the more severe cases, the children run and hug me, want me to hold them. I love my little ones and miss them terribly. One child inparticular , his mom kept him locked in the closet all day while she went to work. For 3 years he lived like this. When this child was found and someone else got custody he was terrified of people. His care taker came in crying and handed him to me and said here and left. I felt sorry for her for not knowing hat to do and I flet just as sorry for him and the hell he went threw. I carried that little fella for the first 5 days. He was afraid to get near the other kids. He was so frail and sick. I had to lay beside of him at nap, set w/ him at lunch, he didn't know how to eat most food. I loved that little boy and he would call me his other mama all the time. I see him from time to time on the school playground when I take my daughter to the school playground. He hugs me, and calls me miss mama. He's my little buddy. I hope he never ever remembers his early childhood when he gets older. He is one special little boy. So Big Mama is my name and my H can make fun of it for the wrong reasons if he likes. I am secure in that name. The worlds children need more mama's.

Well well I don't usually get carried away and off subject so badly, but I have learned to
never take back my words and feelings for they are mine. So my feeling reappear again.

Thank you squaw for helping me remember the good days. Good nite.

H3rmit it feels like a control thing. I am quite content here at home, though a break would be nice every now and again. This computer is my link to the world.

Hamster I am so new to computers and technology there is no way I'd get a facebook account. The thought of that scares me to death. But thinks for the thought.

Big Mama, you are so very welcome.....anytime I can help, I will...Good nite to you...