Love vs. Hate

I love my husband... now, only because he is the father of my child. In the past several years, as some of you know.... he has become more and more mentally controlling & abusive. He is jelous about EVERYTHING I do, breathe, eat, drink and love.... including my daughter and animals At least I have not been in a headlock nor have knifes thrown in the past year (this is how I got a new front door). But... I have also tried to keep my quiet distance.... I just now love to hate him!!! Any thoughts??? I have a year and half to go before my daughter graduates from HS... I don't know if I can survive this time period... This has already taken a huge toll on my health.

Oh gosh -- I've been there, and I too waiting until my daughter graduated from high school. I was married for 26 years before I divorced. Mine was also controlling & emotionally/mentally abusive. Even if I went to visit my mother, he would call to see if I was there -- every single time for 26 yrs. He needed to know TO THE PENNY what I spent, whether it was on groceries, for Christmas, birthdays, etc. Of course I wasn't allowed "spending money."

Have you two tried marriage counseling? Would your husband go? Mine went, but at the first visit, the therapist told him he was too controlling, and he got up and left. He never went back. I kept going tho.

If you can get your husband to go, perhaps you can save the marriage, but at this point, it sounds like you're not willing to save it. Is that true? If you're not, you can leave now, and either take your daughter with you and still let her graduate from the same school or leave her with her Dad -- which I doubt you want to do.

Are finances the problem? Do you have a checking account in both your names? You do know that you are entitled to 1/2 of anything that is in both your names. So you COULD withdraw 1/2 of any monies in the accounts that have both your names on them. You could probably take more, but it's not advisable.

Anyway -- I wish you the very best. Let us know what happens. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

Leed.... I just do not understand him anymore.... he is so controlling, jealous & compulsive all the time... I know he loves me & my DD... but he takes his anger out on her mentally every day.... & somehow shelters me.. and without knowing this... he has alienated both of us! And at the same time he blames ME for everything that is wrong???? In his words couple of months ago... We should start thinking about our future from when we (him & I) want to die???? And at this point... maybe we should both die together... I truly believe I need to get out of here... sooner than later with my DD.... but what about my little animal family? Confused

If you can, it's better to leave with your daughter than to stay. You have to consider the tole this could be taking on her as well. I am very sensitive to this subject. When growing up, my mom would always say, "when she leaves the house I can finally leave and be happy". She made me feel like I was the cause of a lot of the problems.... I'm not saying you're doing this. I feel your pain. I'm just saying....I hope maybe I threw in something to think about. I'm not being very helpful today....

Honey, I know you're concerned about your animals, and I would be too. But you and your daughter are more important right now.

Can you even begin to imagine what this is doing emotionally to your daughter? My kids were severely damaged by my STUPID mistake of staying with my ex "for the sake of my kids." I did what I THOUGHT was best for them, because they DID love their father, but in the process he was screwing them up emotionally something awful!! He was particularly hard on my son -- always picking on him, after him day in and day out to be more of a "man" when he was just a KID.

I should have taken the kids and fled, but I didnt. I was afraid. Afraid of him, and afraid that I wouldn't be able to support the kids. I should have done it anyway.

Your husband is mentally ILL and if this anger of his gets out of control, there is NO SAYING what might happen. You or your daughter could be hurt, and possibly seriously. Get out while you can. And go where he can't find you, if possible. Do you have relatives you could stay with? Even if he knows where they live, at least you would have support.

I wish you the very best, my friend. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

Hi Pikku.

I have to agree with LeeD...his language about wanting to die together and what all sincerely and deeply bothers me...that's not language used by someone who's stable. What are you supposed to do if he decides that time is sooner than you wish? Speaking more for my own wish to know, what exactly was he talking about to bring that up?

Anyway, I think it is in your best interest to get out...you deserve better, and he genuinely scares me. One my most influential role models in my life still harbors a scar on his shoulder from when he had a knife thrown at him...that's no laughing matter. That's, to speak legally, at the very least attempted assault with a deadly weapon.

Please know I am praying for you, and that I hope things work out for the best.

Hugs,
Harley

Honestly I am very scared of him , and the way he acts... the best part of the day is when he gets out of the house , and the I seem to get more & more panicky about the anticiapation of when he comes back and what type of mood he is in .... after hearing his rants for so many years, I kind of begin believing what he says ! No wonder my own issues are getting out of hand... all I want truly is to feel safe, wanted and loved but I am now so very confused I can't think straight anymore Thankfully I have the PC pals to hear me out He is also jeleous of the PC support I have....

The comment below... came about, after he had totally and completely raged at me for two hours plus... I am crying and this was his sick loving way to comfort me & apologize.. ie. we should beging planning our future backwards ie. from the end.. because in his mind we should go together. Thanks everyone for listening

...his language about wanting to die together and what all sincerely and deeply bothers me...that's not language used by someone who's stable. What are you supposed to do if he decides that time is sooner than you wish

Pikku Myy... I can't believe how familiar all this sounds to me.

I tried to explain to my ex-husband what "subservient" was. I think he liked to keep me scared to keep me in what he viewed as "in line"

Chances are your daughter will understand. I would have given anything to get away from my Dad. My Mom wanted to, but stayed for me. (You can see the pattern that developed)

I did leave my marriage and move on. In time I fell in love again too...with another very controlling man. The only difference is...he is not at all scary I eventually found my voice and we are good.

Exactly how all this affected my daughter...I'm not sure.

You need to feel safe. I wish you well